I have so many many thoughts on this.
First, it's apparent that many people answering here don't know what it's like to be worried, nervous, and scared about something. So scared that you can't calm yourself down, that the worst case scenarios in your head just won't stop.
I've done some over-calling before. The people worth my while (DH for one) never held it against me. The useless ones, the ones that didn't really like me, did. I don't know how that translates to a mother-daughter relationship, but it is definitely time for a long conversation, IMO.
My mom and I loved AND liked each other. We really enjoyed talking to each other. We talked quite often; when I went away to college, she actually got an 800 number so that I could call her without incurring charges on my bill.
She kept that line until my stepdad canceled it when she died. When I was 30.
I am also an over-talker, so most people truly in my life know about most of the people in my life. So after my mom was diagnosed with leukemia, and when I got REALLY sick less than a month later, and she knew I was terribly ill (almost certainly the full blown flu) and was very worried about me but on the other side of the country from me, she knew how to look up a couple of my friends. She found one that was available, asked her to get me some OJ and other items like soup, and that's how she took care of me, from across the country and when she couldn't have come over and helped me even if she lived next door. She didn't have the numbers, but she knew how to look them up. NOWadays, since all of my friends have cellphones instead of landlines, it would have been much harder to find those friends, even with their last names.
The last thing that comes to mind is that while she was NOT sick or injured or dead, she might have been, and she needs to understand that there WAS that possibility.
Right now I'm dealing with having a brother in the ICU. He's been intubated for almost 2 weeks. He got massively sick with what they think was H1N1, and he got to a point where he wasn't getting any oxygen, so they knocked him out and started breathing for him. He's 28, and of the 5 in his house who got the flu, he's the only one that got that sick, and the only one where the quick test came up positive for THAT flu.
He didn't really get to the hospital on time. Why? Because he came up against the "boy who cried wolf" problem, where he's generally a very dramatic person, and my dad and stepmom weren't sure if he was really THAT sick. Now my stepmom is a NICU nurse, but still didn't take him in until it was almost too late. He COULD NOT get himself to the hospital alone. He coudn't even dial the phone to see if an ambulance could come out to their very rural home (he still lives at home). He was extremely ill.
IF he had been living on his own and got that sick, he wouldn't have made it. So someone would have finally wondered where he was, and would have called, and maybe would have gotten worried...but it would have been massively too late. Because my dad and his wife are like that. The ONLY reason I found out about this is because I happened to call while they were sitting at the hospital... They called me a full week after 'my dad had had a heart attack. I don't know how long it would have taken for them to get worried about him. Considering that his oxygen saturation was in the 70s when he was hospitalized (this despite his mother's profession), it wouldn't have been pretty.
So just b/c she's OK today...she needs to realize that it might not have been that way, and as far as YOU knew, she was not OK. For some reason, the word humble comes to mind...she needs to be more humble, and know that there might come a time when she is not OK.
...I called her work (she is #2 in charge), shes off but her boss might know where she is. Well, he's not in... I talk to two other supervisors. The one I know, I ask if she's heard from my daughter.
So it sounds like just ONE call into work, and they were so willing to help you that they sent you around to other people? Including a supervisor that you KNOW?
Seems nothing for your daughter to be worked up about. If she wasn't allowed phone calls at work and it was an absolute rule, seems they would have just said that and not tried to help you.
I'd be pretty unimpressed with my parents if they did something that unprofessional.
3. You don't listen to what she says about her life and her friends. There was certainly someone more appropriate to call, a friend, a cousin, a boyfriend, the landline, e-mail, even a specific person at work. If you had no idea who that is, then you've been tuning her out big time.
Her mom did nothing unprofessional. She can't, she doesn't work there, and it's not a JOB to be a parent.
IMO most people in the universe don't tell their parents so much that they would know exactly who to call. My mom did because I share almost everything with everyone, and if someone has a good memory, then they know who to contact. But I don't think I'm the norm for this.
Wow - I guess cell phones have changed everything.
I am 65 - I used to go to europe with no reservations (70s) and there was no way to contact me for weeks. My parents survived.
There is NOTHING helicoptery about noticing a change in pattern!
My mom worked an hour's drive away, half of which was a windy mountain road. We were latchkey kids. When we were in school, there was no point in calling in the morning when she got to work, but when she was leaving, she'd use a work phone, give us a quick call, and then we knew how long we had until she would be home. If she were ever late, we would know how late would account for traffic and how late would be unexplainable and cause for worry. In the summer when we were on our own all day, she called in the morning as well.
So even without cellphones there were patterns, and a change in pattern would be a cause for concern.
Now that I am an adult, my Mother is my friend. Maybe not an "I'll tell you EVERYTHING" friend, but still a friend.
That's how we were, too. Man I miss my mom.
Folks tell Mom to try email next time, why didn't the daughter email the mother when she knew her phone was out of order? Why didn't she borrow a phone when she saw her Mother was trying to get her? She was very inconsiderate.
Agreed.
I am flabbergasted at those that believe it's perfectly normal for a mother to harass her grown DD at work, by calling
every single hour until she talked to her.
In what world is that ok and normal??
She didn't call her AT WORK that often, she called her cellphone. Because she was worried and scared and possibly out of her mind with fear for the "what ifs".
Here's harassment...when I worked for the same company as a boyfriend did, our relationship was tanking, and if he didn't answer an email (primitive electronic interoffice communication, but let's just call it email) within, say, 10 minutes I'd send ANOTHER message...that was probably harassment.
But calling because you're scared for someone's life? Not so much.
Maybe she just expected her mom no top go crazy with worry since it really isn't a normal reaction
How is it not normal? Just because YOU say you don't have that reaction doesn't mean your way of doing things is normal.
My dad mentioned above...he doesn't call or email for months, even as long as a year! He was supposed to come for a visit here 2 summers ago. Still hasn't made it. I know him, so I still haven't mentioned the visit to my son. His way of doing things is unique...while I like hearing from people, and so I make an effort with him (and thank goodness I do, or I'd just be finding out about my brother!). If he considered ME to be abnormal? There would be a problem.
Several months ago my DH was working an overnight, as he often does. When he does he is alone in the building. It always makes me a little nervous, you know, what if he had a heart attack or something. Anyway, he is never without his phone, ever. It is under his pillow at night. (Because of work, not for personal calls.) Anyway, we talk every so often when he is working, cause it makes me feel better. One night I said I was going to sleep and to call me when he was leaving. (Our routine.) Well, I woke up an hour or so later and called to see how he was and he didn't answer. Odd, but OK. I tried back in a while, maybe 10 minutes later and still no answer. This is very out of the norm for him, so I got nervous. I went online to send him an IM and nothing. I saw his best friend was on so I sent him an IM and he said he was sure DH was fine but he'd try calling too. Nothing. By now it has been maybe a half hour and I was freaking out. I left the kids a note and went to his work. It takes under 10 minutes to get there so by now we are at about 40ish minutes and I was a wreck. Of course the office was locked so I started knocking and calling. Then I did something I should have done sooner, and didn't think to cause I never do, and called his office. While he wasn't at his desk he heard and incoming call and knew, time of night, it must be me. So he left the server room he was in and grabbed his cell and saw and called me, who was outside his office. He let me in, I hugged him like crazy, and he said he was so sorry, no big deal, I was just glad he was OK, he was crawling around in the room and was afriad of losing his phone so he had set it down, not thinking he would be in there as long and thinking I was asleep. He also said how comforting it was to know that I cared enough to drive there to check on him in the middle of the night.
I think when you are used to something, like always being able to reach someone or always taking to them, it is easy to worry especially when you care about them. Now if he mom often didn't talk to the daughter for days or something maybe it was over the top, but when you are used to something being a certian way, it is easy for your mind to worry you.
DH and I both learned from that night. I am not quite as quick to panic (a work in progress.) And he is really good about calling me if he is headed into a place with no phone/service, if it is an overnight situation when I'd worry. He'll shoot me a text in case I am sleeping. And he has always been good about (the rare time) his battery is dead calling me and saying taht his battery is low so I don't worry if I can't reach him. Hopefully both mom and DD will take that away for next time.
I actually see very little in common in the pizza story.
Patterns.
I thought it was pretty clear that she wanted to discuss how long is acceptable to not hear from your adult child.
I took that to mean that if talking daily is the NORM- how many days before you worry.
Yes.
There's the question of "how often do you talk to your adult child", and that's different from HER question of "how often do you wait when you haven't heard from your adult child when you talk to them at least every work day". Different. Only the second one is in question with the OP.
...I am NEVER EVER to busy to ease her mind.
...I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER too busy to let her know I'm alive.
Absolutely.
I would start to worry at about the 9-10 day mark.
And both of us are still alive, so yes, we're just busy.
You're still alive, sure. Now. Might change in the future. If either of you is on your own when something changes, 9-10 days is a pretty long time to not know.
Even 40 years ago, (before cell phones) my parents always told the other one where they were going and when they expected to be back. It's just common courtesy. I worry now if DH is more than 15 minutes late from work. He commutes on one of the worst highways in the state. If he leaves late or gets stuck in traffic he calls me.
Like many others have said, it's not the frequency of the contact that's important, it's the breaking of an established pattern. A HUGE red flag. What was going on with the DD *all day Tuesday and most of Wednesday* that she couldn't contact her mom in any way? No email, no quick call from work, nothing??
My guess is she wouldn't hate her mom if she'd run off the road and been lying somewhere cold and in pain waiting to be found.
I agree with all of this.
