Daughters 'first' heartbreak?

[minnie56]

My DD (19) and her boyfriend of 18 months parted company about 10 days ago. He really was her first serious boyfriend and we all loved him a lot...

She is in her first year of University, he is in his second...they go to Schools about 30 mins apart and I am not sure why...but it seems he felt the long distance thing was too tough and didn't want to do it anymore

My DD is heartbroken and though there are good days and bad....her sadness is overwhelming for both of us. Anyone else been through this with their child? I wish it were me instead of her and though I do know this is part of life and growing up...everytime I am on the phone with her and she is upset, despite my 'wisdom' and talking her through it...I get off and cry my eyes out!! Her pain is so real for me....how can I help her other than listen and tell her it just takes time?

 

[Pooh67_68]

for your dd

 

[minnie56]

are always good

 

[TimeforMe]

First of all, to you both. I posted this very same thing a few months back when my DD17 broke up with her boyfriend. I felt a multitude of things--sorry for her but also grieving myself as I really liked him and felt like he was part of our family. Of course, I knew the day would come as I really didn't want her to be tied down to him forever, but it was soooooooo very painful to watch her go through it. I sometimes think we feel things more strongly when things happen to our children rather than to ourselves. Her pain is very real, but one thing I've always felt is that things truly DO work out for the best and this too, shall pass. Just be there for her, keep her involved and busy and let her know how special she is because if she's anything like my DD, she's feeling pretty crappy about herself. A great book that I remember reading when I suffered my first broken heart is called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". You can google it if you're interested and it'll display the contents of the book. Good luck. It's not easy being the mom, I know.

 

[disneylizzy]

Can you think of things that you didn't like about him? Annoying habits? Can she throw herself into a new club or group at school?

I've got a DD19 - you wish you could spare them pain. But its all a growing and learning experience.

 

[kpm76]

Aww, hugs to your DD. It is painful to go through a break-up especially when it's your first true love. I don't have children yet, but speaking from experience it's important to be sympathetic to your DD but try not to dwell on the fact that you loved her boyfriend etc. It will only make her more sad. It's tough for you too I know. Encourage her to make the most of her college years....get involved in clubs and activities etc. You never know who you'll meet and it's excellent experience. This obviously was not "the one" and it's important to recognize that she deserves the best. She's young too and will learn so much about herself and what she wants out of life longterm. I am firm believer that all relationships are opportunites to learn more about who and what we are and ultimately where we want to wind up. Your DD will be fine, but it's tough when you're going through it. Good luck to both of you

 

[Breezy_Carol]

DD 19 and her boyfriend of 4 years broke up for the 4th time in September. It was time for her to let go but very difficult for her. Lots of tears. Now, 3 months later, things are looking up. She joined a sorority at college and seems to be enjoying herself for the first time in her 2 years at college.

I also have the book "How to Survive the Loss of Love" and recommend it. It is very good.

I think time is the best healer for you both.

 

[minnie56]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. So much appreciated...

I wish I COULD think of something we didn't like about him disneylizzy lol....he was a really great guy and I have known him even longer than DD..by about 2 years actually.

I think because none of it makes any sense to her or us it is hard to accept?? One week he was telling her he loved her every 5 minutes and the next he thought things had declined and that it was all "just too hard" given the distance factor???? Not understanding the suddeness of it all seems to have given her no closure and that is what is upsetting her the most..she wants to know the 'whys and wherefores'?

It's really hard to see her hurt and I guess you're right too TimeforMe....he felt like part of our family as well and we are grieving his loss as well. As much as I also wanted him not to be 'forever' and her to have many relationships in life's journey...it just seems like it wasn't time if that makes any sense?

Thanks for listening....

 

[minnie56]

I will look for that book tomorrow...

 

[Keli]

Whenever I know my dd is hurting I hurt for her too. I tend to take her shopping, lol. It's usually the only thing I can think of that she will still enjoy doing when she's upset. 'Cause the kid is never too upset to shop! I'm a soft touch anyway when it comes to dd and on those shopping trips I treat her to a couple new things and we share lots of girl talk. By the end of the day she's usually feeling a bit better, I feel at bit poorer and we both feel a little closer.

 

[minnie56]

I took her to NYC last week to see 'Ellen Degeneres' tape one of her shows there. I had the trip planned with 3 other girlfriends and asked them if they minded if she came along given the circumstances which they didn't. I thought a little (okay, A LOT) of retail therapy would help....and it did...but now she's back at school and those empty spots on the walls where his pictures were are screaming at her! It's back to the old routine and it's all the same but everything is changed..

 

[Freyja]

I believe there isn´t much else you can do to help her get through this, other than what you are already doing. Lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear that listens.

I think this is just part of growing up, and not matter how hard it is, a range of emotions that she will have to work through herself.

I am sure it is terribly difficult to whitness and go through with her but I´m sure it will make her stronger in the end.