Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[longboard55]

Things with 12 year old girls go nuclear real fast, could mean nothing, or it could be a huge deal, a good mother keeps track. Be prepared to make major changes in your DDs social life. Maybe it will not be required, just go in with eyes open.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't think there is anything wrong with checking your child's snapchat at all. There comes and age where its time to stop, but I think 12 is still young enough where its ok.
Having said that I don't think its fair to get all bent out of shape about what others post on snapchat just because your child sees it. That includes things like "being excluded" from parties. If you don't feel your child is mature enough to handle seeing things like that, then don't allow them to use social media.

I also don't see your dd as being excluded. You say she talks to this girl here and there and they don't hang out. Doesn't sound like they have a close enough relationship for an invite to be expected. Would it be a nice gesture, sure but as a parent I'm sure you understand that there does need to be a stop point on how many people can be at a party. Especially a Bat Mitzvah where there are probably alot of family members invited too. If your child isn't invited it doesn't mean its because the party girl is a mean girl, even if she and those who were there are posting on snapchat. It may just mean that your child and the party child aren't close enough for an invitation to be given, nothing more, nothing less.

 

[rwdavis2]

Never ever get involved in the drama of teenage girls if there is nothing dangerous going on. Nothing good ever comes out of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that there is a fine, hard to walk, line between keeping ones eyes open and being over-involved.
It does seem that the OP is having a hard time finding that line?
It is not good to be that heavily involved and emotionally vested.
It is good that she supported her DD in other plans...
Not sure how much personal discussion, such as, 'How can this girl be 'nice' when...' has gone on?

People who are saying 'let it go' and 'get off your kids snap-chat' are not all necessarily being mean.
IMHO, those things are good basic advice.

Just personally, I have seen way to many WAY overly involved parents these days!

 

[cabanafrau]

I've only read beginning and end of thread, but nevertheless my advice to OP is -- don't borrow trouble. If your daughter isn't bothered, thank your lucky stars and move on. As the mom of two grown daughters I can tell you girl social stuff/mean girl issues are a giant pain in the neck and I'd run a mile to avoid being in the vicinity of those situations ever again. Very grateful my girls were drama free for the most part and I definitely recommend not borrowing trouble to the OP.

 

[Hrhpd]

OP, this is a time to learn from our children.

You said the party was planned before your daughter even started talking to this young lady. And they don't really talk, just snapchat and that was only recently. And they don't hang out.

• "DD did say this party has been planned for a while . Before party girl and DD started talking" ,
• "and I wouldn't even consider it talking it's more snapchat talking."
• "DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past."
• "DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything"

I know you know that there is no reason to expect your daughter to be invited to a celebration party when she isn't friends and doesn't hang out.

Of course, that doesn't stop the natural parent reaction of being miffed that your daughter was included. That feeling is understandable. I think we have all felt bad for our children. But in this case, you need to listen to your daughter and follow her example. She is not upset, so follow her lead.

Also, never stop checking up on your daughter, but definitely stop monitoring things that she is not involved in. Checking on snapchats of the party when your daughter is not even there and happily enjoying a movie at the pool, brinks on creepy stalking by a middle aged mother of pre-teens. There is a reason that it is called "creeping." You read about these kind of mothers in the news. This is the mindset of mothers that will eventually make fake accounts pretending they are a teen.

I don't believe you are that kind of person, so in the spirit of your first post, KNOCK IT OFF.

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

Thank you all!
I dont think it would have bothered me so much if DD didn't make the comment , " I don't know how some of these girls got invited , I didn't even think they knew (party girl) that well.
These girls DD is referring to are a couple of her closer friends she hangs out with a lot .
I don't know the connection either . It's just crazy with this snapchat crap.
The girls at the party are posting stories at the party on snapchat and DD even has a lot of snapchat streaks going on with these girls . They snapchat back and forth and see how many consecutive days they can do it.
I know dumb but I guess in the middle school world it's a big deal.
So the girls are going back and forth with DD including the party girl. Ugh!

DD did say this party has been planned for a while . Before party girl and DD started talking , and I wouldn't even consider it talking it's more snapchat talking.
I picked her and her other friend up at the pool last night. They were both quiet but also said they were tired . It was almost 11:30.
Looking at the snapchat pictures it does seem almost like their whole circle was invited except....
My DD says this party girl is nice.
And I think how is she nice if she excludes, snapchats you from the party you weren't invited to , literally invites all your friends and not you?
I didn't say it but believe me I'm sure thinking it.

DD has an attitude at home at times too. I ask her a lot , do u talk to your friends like that too?
If she does that may be the issue too
I know I can't force her to make friends .
I was quiet , reserved and had like 2 friends growing up . I know first hand how much it hurts to be excluded and that was before social media
I guess I just want to protect her but I know that's not always possible and she has to find her way
But it just stinks
One of her friends she was close to since we moved here ( girls were 3)
Stopped doing things with DD last year.
Her mother pushed and pushed per other mutual friends to start hanging out with the popular crowd.
So DD and her talk on the school bus and at times at school but that's about it.
She is now riding the popular train. She also says that doesn't bother her because she's not the same person as when they were friends, but of course she was there too as she is every party now
My son is going to be a high school senior.
When he was her age he was just like her . Crazy thing: he went to Europe on a school trip two years ago.
He came back and told me that trip changed me.
I think it did. He is way more outgoing , has a wonderful new set of friends and is way more confident
Maybe I should send DD to Europe

I can't multi quote on my phone so I apologize ahead of time.
Two of DD's closer friends who were invited to the party , the parents aren't friends with the party girl parents.
Yes I do know that for a fact because we are friends with both sets of parents for years and socialize a lot with them , that's how DD became friends with their daughters in the first place.
DD was the one who stated in the first place not me she didn't know why they were invited.

I was kidding about sending her to Europe. She's 12 not 16 like DS was. If the time comes and she wants to go, she will but not to change her popularity , but for the experience of travel.
I never said DS was popular either, I said he has a really great group of friends , most that he met on that trip.
He is way more confident and outgoing since he was in Europe .
He was exactly like DD before he went . DS does tell DD she will find her way , none of his friends he hangs out with now except one , he hung out with at her age. He tells her that and that she doesn't want to be popular. He sees the popular crowd as they get to 15,16,17 and he tells her there's a reason they're popular.
I think I remember myself as a kid with only a couple friends, one moved away and another was outgoing and made new friends then there were none. I worry for DD . But I know she is what she is and I have to accept it.

She hasn't said anything today about anything and I definetly never said a word. She took the dog for a walk and we are going to dinner tonight and to the city tomorrow , so she'll be occupied.
I have her snapchat on my phone because we had an issue last year with a couple people being mean but I know I have to knock it off and stop stalking . It's weird I can admit that.

I'm not sure where u get that but that couldn't be further from the truth.
Husband and I socialize with a couple families and that's the extent
We used to be way more social when we first moved here almost 10 years ago but we learned a valuable lesson the hard way and now stick to our very small circle .
We have friends from our old neighborhood that we've known before children that we see the most.

Lots and lots of drama in the township we live in and I'm too old to get pulled into the vortex . Four divorces on our street alone in the past 6 months resulting from the drama.
If that's how my post came across it wasn't meant that way
I just stated we have known the parents of two of the girls invited for a while.
We consider the two couples friends

Wow I'm gone for a day and things blow up.

First: don't know where I ever said I wanted snapchat banned. Totally false
I also never edited any of my original posts they are the same as I originally wrote

DD's snapchat is on my phone and hers . She's had issues both on the giving and receiving at one time . She originally was the one who told me about the party and showed me pictures and the stories. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't look at her snapchat when she was out with her other friend because I did . Dumb and immature? Sure

I wondered how long it would be before someone searched my old threads . It just still cracks me up that people even take the time to do that. The issue that was brought up was a mistake on my part. I admit it
Haven't we all made them?
There has been no more boyfriends or will there be for a while and yes we've chatted about it and DD knows the reasons and where DH and I stand on the issue.

We've been busy the rest of this weekend. We went into the city today
On the train ride in DD just said out of the blue , I feel sorry for party girl.
I said why?
She said because everyone she invited hung out with each other and not with her. I guess more stuff was posted that DD seen that brought her to that conclusion . I said to DD well she chose who to invite right?
DD said I guess but I wouldn't have done that if I was there
I told her she was a thoughtful person and that was nice of her
Then she changed the subject.

She did text another friend today to ask her to go to the local fair next week . Her friend is going with another group but told DD she could come with them so that made her very happy

Seriously?

No I didn't think that.
I don't even know the party girl.

DD is a good kid most of the time but you know she's 12 so that can change in an instant
Thank you!

Ok I think this thread has run its course. When posters have nothing left to contribute , then it's time to bash the OP. Typical

I talk to my DD often about mean girl behavior. One of the things I've brought up to her is that it never goes away. Mean girl behavior even carries into adulthood for some.

Thx all who actually contributed useful information
I've learned DD needs to handle her own situations . I need to butt out unless she comes to me for help , advice or just to talk. With middle school just starting , there's still a long road ahead.

 

[Mamabear71]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

 

[Shanti]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

I'm a mom and a teacher and completely agree with you.

 

[E&Cmom]

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25 .

Sorry. I completely disagree with the bolded. Who knows how many they can afford to invite. What if they have a big family and the child has other friends outside of school.

I have never really gotten the everyone must be invited ideal especially as kids get older. But then again we only do small parties.

 

[Mamabear71]

I know that the families around here can afford to invite the others. If you can afford to invite 80 percent of the class and give out
sweatshirts and sweatpants to every kid, you can figure out a way to invite the rest of the class.

It is in poor taste regardless if you do not like the person or not.

These are not your average birthday parties. These are parties that are talked about all week long at school until the next one happens.
Parties where greyhound buses picks up the kids and take them to amusement parks.

Sure, it is the parents right to invite who they want but it is in extremely bad taste.

 

[SMD]

I know that the families around here can afford to invite the others. If you can afford to invite 80 percent of the class and give out
sweatshirts and sweatpants to every kid, you can figure out a way to invite the rest of the class.

It is in poor taste regardless if you do not like the person or not.

These are not your average birthday parties. These are parties that are talked about all week long at school until the next one happens.
Parties where greyhound buses picks up the kids and take them to amusement parks.

Sure, it is the parents right to invite who they want but it is in extremely bad taste.

They're not birthday parties at all. Having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a major milestone and achievement. The child gets to invite who they want to invite and doesn't have to include people they don't want there. The fact that your attitude is it's just a party may be mirrored by your daughter and may be why she's not included. It's in no way about the invitees, and if they think it is, why should the child being honored have to put up with that on their day?

 

[Mamabear71]

I know exactly what they are as I have had one! I did not say they were birthday parties, go back and read. I was explaining to other people
who have commented that these are not your "average birthday parties" like some people think they are.

I am fairly sure my daughter's attitude has nothing to do with why she wasn't invited. Furthermore, you are completely misguided if you think
that is not about the invitees or the "party". It becomes ALL about the party and who is invited to most children having a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, if you don't
think so you are incredibly naive.

 

[jevs]

I know that the families around here can afford to invite the others. If you can afford to invite 80 percent of the class and give out
sweatshirts and sweatpants to every kid, you can figure out a way to invite the rest of the class.

It is in poor taste regardless if you do not like the person or not.

These are not your average birthday parties. These are parties that are talked about all week long at school until the next one happens.
Parties where greyhound buses picks up the kids and take them to amusement parks.

Sure, it is the parents right to invite who they want but it is in extremely bad taste.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It is in poor taste to dictate to other families what they should and shouldn't be doing IMO.

Take it as an opportunity to teach some resilience to your daughter.

Welcome to the DIS!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I totally understand that it is hard to have the kid/or be hte kid, who is often left out. Mummabear I do feel for you and your DD.

That said, while I agree that it is rude and hurtful to invite all but one or two children from a group to a party---in your example there are 25 children not going. That's not singling out anyone as the "unliked child" . I really think once a group is bigger than 15 or so that 25% not invited is reasonable----that is a bigger pool of people are either jsut not as close to the celebrent , or in some other way do not seem to have a tie to the event in question beyond just being in school today.

Perhaps it is time for you to stop being the mom who has her duaghter include everyone from the class in all parties and allow her to develop friendships and invite just her friends to her next event.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I have to disagree on inviting everyone to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This is a religious celebration, closer to a wedding then a birthday party, and the parents get to decide. I would agree if one or two less popular kids were deliberately excluded--that's not cool, but you said that 25% aren't invited. The parents probably had some kind of cut-off. And while you or I might have allocated funds differently, this is totally on the host family to make those choices. At 12-13, children should understand that they're not invited to everything. You say you "know they can afford it", but you don't really know that, do you? Maybe the honoree really wants the sweats as favors, so the parents had to cut the budget elsewhere. That's a decision made within that family.

I do agree 100% with the school banning the sweats is there are issues with them.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I would have rather gone to the movie than the bar mitzvah. I think your daughter won that one.

 

[indimom]

I'm sort of stuck at a party where parents host 75 children (or 100 children, as the PP feels they should) to a theme park. I've seen TV shows with this stuff, but... wow. It still blows my mind.
While our parties were on a whole other level (lower, much lower) I never invited the entire class to my kid's parties. I think the biggest party had 8-10 kids, in the backyard.
I don't know anyone who hosted an event (even a backyard hot dog event) and invited the entire class. I'd guess, at most, my daughter was invited to two parties a year.
I can't imagine attending 75-100 parties like the PP is describing in a year (which is what would happen if everyone is invited to every event). When do you have time for everything else? There are only 52 weeks in a year? Do people really want/expect their child to be invited to that many events?! I'd be exhausted just providing the transportation.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I really don't care for the "invite the whole class or none" thing. Some kids aren't invited to things. Some adults aren't invited to things... That's the way life works. I don't invite people I'm not friends with to my events, why should it be any different for kids?

 

[Poohforyou]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

Wow, I can't imagine expecting someone to increase the guest list that much to include everyone. When it's a few kids that position may be understandable but when it's that many.

This comes from a mom who's daughter wasn't invited to things, even parties thrown by kids who came to my daughter's parties. It's hard and usually harder on us than the kids.

It is a learning experience though. My daughter heads off to college in a few weeks and I have to say this is one thing I'm happy to be done with.

 

[lancermom]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

As someone who actually planned a Bat Mitzvah, I absolutely 100% disagree with you. This isn't elementary school. You don't get to determine how to spend one's money. I did my daughter's on a shoestring budget and to add 25 more would not have been possible. Even if it was more elaborate, you have no idea what the budgets are, what people are actually paying. But, besides that, why should a Bar or Bat Mitzvah child invite people with whom they are not close? It is a religious celebration, something way more than a birthday party or a Sweet 16. My daughter chose to keep her list smallish, and invited the people with whom she was closest, the friends that meant the most to her. That's the way she is. She likes to keep her circle small. There was no way she was going to have people there she barely knew or who she didn't like, just for the sake of inviting them.

By the age of 12/13, kids should know and understand that the world does not revolve around them and that they won't be invited to everything. I grew up in a town that was mostly Jewish, and I didn't get invited to many Bar/Bat Mitzvahs. I saw the t-shirts and favors, and it was OK. My daughter didn't get invited to all of the ones she knew was happening. It was OK. We all lived.

Furthermore, I don't know how a 7th grader is supposed to invite the whole class. It's not like elementary school where all the kids are in the same class for the whole day. How do you define the whole class at this point? ALL the 7th graders? That is impossible. By this age, there never should be an expectation of being invited to anything.