Dating Red Flags?

[Sanchez]

I always assumed that farmers hooked up with other farmer's daughters. But what do I know? I am not a farmer. While I agree with you in theory that echo chambers aren't good, why make things tougher than they have to be, when relationships are already hard work? Of course there are things that my wife and I differ on, and that's what makes it exciting. But for things like religious and political beliefs that can be at the core of a person's identity, I can certainly understand why trying to find someone who is at least in the basic camp can avoid a lot of fights in the future. Plus, while things might start out "ok," they don't always stay that way. When my ex wife and I met, she was perfectly fine with my atheism. But as she got more religious, she became less and less tolerant of it and tried to pressure me in finding Jesus. I found the door.

Well, this gets to the whole point of why I asked the question in the first place. What would be a deal breaker for you when meeting someone new. I'm not at all suggesting that someone should be so rigid that they nitpick for the little things but it's led to an interesting discussion on what qualities we hold dear to ourselves and in our partners.

I think what it comes down to, for me, is avoiding extremes. Extreme views and unquestioned loyalty reveal a distinct lack of intelligence. I don't want the person who gets fueled up watching MSNBC, CNN or Fox and then goes out to the internet or the world intent on spewing crap. If you assume that there are 15% on each side of the spectrum that are extreme it leaves a great number of people to consider. What we are seeing on this thread appears to be along the lines of "If you are on the other team you need not apply." I guess that I am against such rigorous box checking.

Of course, extremes are not limited to politics. It could be religion, Disney, sports or any thing that consumes or defines a person. I don't care to be with someone whose home decor, clothing and vacation time all go to Disney.

Your point is valid. It is much easier to get along when major differences are eliminated. It just seems to me that a great number of people are looking to eliminate all differences. And that isn't fun.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I think what it comes down to, for me, is avoiding extremes. Extreme views and unquestioned loyalty reveal a distinct lack of intelligence. I don't want the person who gets fueled up watching MSNBC, CNN or Fox and then goes out to the internet or the world intent on spewing crap. If you assume that there are 15% on each side of the spectrum that are extreme it leaves a great number of people to consider. What we are seeing on this thread appears to be along the lines of "If you are on the other team you need not apply." I guess that I am against such rigorous box checking.

Of course, extremes are not limited to politics. It could be religion, Disney, sports or any thing that consumes or defines a person. I don't care to be with someone whose home decor, clothing and vacation time all go to Disney.

Your point is valid. It is much easier to get along when major differences are eliminated. It just seems to me that a great number of people are looking to eliminate all differences. And that isn't fun.

I agree with you. I've come to see especially how others view extremes as well. I have a close friend who is extreme left wing, I mean hardcore. Now I'm liberal but I'm not at all an extremist. As a result this person's reputation has suffered and they've been passed over for job opportunities as a result. It's not fun to be in a relationship with a fanatic. And of course eliminating all difference is not only boring but the likelihood of finding an exact match is small.

 

[Lumpy1106]

I always assumed that farmers hooked up with other farmer's daughters. But what do I know? I am not a farmer. While I agree with you in theory that echo chambers aren't good, why make things tougher than they have to be, when relationships are already hard work? Of course there are things that my wife and I differ on, and that's what makes it exciting. But for things like religious and political beliefs that can be at the core of a person's identity, I can certainly understand why trying to find someone who is at least in the basic camp can avoid a lot of fights in the future. Plus, while things might start out "ok," they don't always stay that way. When my ex wife and I met, she was perfectly fine with my atheism. But as she got more religious, she became less and less tolerant of it and tried to pressure me in finding Jesus. I found the door.

Well, this gets to the whole point of why I asked the question in the first place. What would be a deal breaker for you when meeting someone new. I'm not at all suggesting that someone should be so rigid that they nitpick for the little things but it's led to an interesting discussion on what qualities we hold dear to ourselves and in our partners.

Sure, and if you can't accept each other's differences, then it's not going to work. It's really not that complicated. Interesting discussion, nonetheless.

 

[snowwite]

DH and I have been together for 32 years, so I haven't dated since then, and politics wasn't a huge issue for me. But now one of my first questions would be, "Do you think the 2020 election was stolen?"

And if the answer is yes put on your track shoes!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Oh, I think most people are in fact mostly moderate about most things - it's just the we get drowned out by the exttremes with their loud voices and powerful platforms.

I agree.

The political "label" that describes a person is not a reason not to date someone IMHO. Political views matter at the ballot box, not in a relationship.

So this little twist in the conversation is getting me wondering how many people here are in relationships with someone who has differing political views and how they make it work.

DH and I are both registered as "independent" and both hug the middle overall (though I lean more one way and he the other.) Certain issues are especially important to me, but he supports me on those.

I'm sure we've sometimes cancelled out each other's votes, but have made it a point not to argue politics in our home. (To that end, we rarely watch the news together. )

Politics is a very small part of our overall compatibility, which includes our interests, strengths & weaknesses, etc. I don't think there are any relationships out there without some sort of compromise.

think what it comes down to, for me, is avoiding extremes.

Another good point. Extremes make me uncomfortable as well.

 

[disykat]

That is very true, but that is the outcome, it's the process that is frustrating and because of the stupendous idiocy of it all at the moment it is that which you deal with everyday. You only vote on single specified days and you do cancel each other out so both might as well stay home and save the gas. But as highly charged as things are right now, it wouldn't surprise me if people felt that they couldn't trust their spouse to not vote anyway. Some relationships are built on unstable soil. There are certain items that are inherently important in any relationship and sadly the current atmosphere is dividing everyone.

I 100% disagree with you about staying home and not voting because you disagree on some things and sometimes cancel out each other's vote. I actually find that offensive. That is quite literally why it's important for everyone to have their vote counted. I certainly agree with you that the current atmosphere is divisive but feel that times like this make it even MORE important for people to vote.

 

[snowwite]

The political "label" that describes a person is not a reason not to date someone IMHO. Political views matter at the ballot box, not in a relationship.

It matters quite a bit. I can’t even socialize with family members who have extreme political views that I consider dangerous to our very democracy. How would a marriage work if the husband and wife was on different sides of the mess we are in now? I’m so glad I don’t need to date again.

 

[snowwite]

I agree.



DH and I are both registered as "independent" and both hug the middle overall (though I lean more one way and he the other.) Certain issues are especially important to me, but he supports me on those.

I'm sure we've sometimes cancelled out each other's votes, but have made it a point not to argue politics in our home. (To that end, we rarely watch the news together. )

Politics is a very small part of our overall compatibility, which includes our interests, strengths & weaknesses, etc. I don't think there are any relationships out there without some sort of compromise.


Another good point. Extremes make me uncomfortable as well.

We are independents as well but tend to vote Democrat.

 

[tvguy]

It matters quite a bit. I can’t even socialize with family members who have extreme political views that I consider dangerous to our very democracy. How would a marriage work if the husband and wife was on different sides of the mess we are in now? I’m so glad I don’t need to date again.

How would a marriage work? Love.

 

[snowwite]

How would a marriage work? Love.

Love and politics can be like oil and water.

 

[Lumpy1106]

When DW and I first started dating I had come to a realization that I shared with her; When people are dating, they are basically lying to one another. You dress nicer than you normally do, you express interest in things that don't really interest you, you show off wealth you don't necessarily have by paying for dates and gifts - all of that and so much more. We informally established a ground rule; you keep your friends and family and keep doing the things that are important to you, and be honest - if you don't like something, say so. If the relationship works, great, if not, no hard feelings, It wasn't ever really going to work anyway. It worked for us.

 

[tvguy]

Love and politics can be like oil and water.

Exactly, Keep them apart.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

A lot of women won't date a man of a certain political persuasion and I quite frankly don't blame them. Why should they marry someone whose values are regressive, inhumane, bigoted, deliberately cruel, and their hero repugnant? Why should women go out with people that clearly don't respect women and hence don't respect them? Hmmm. Go figure. A lot of women don't want to date someone that thinks women like them are fat, ugly, and can't make up their mind whether they're too frigid, or too trampy Again, I don't blame them one bit. And these days, it may be her very life at stake. What if she has complications of pregnancy, needs a procedure to save her life and her own mate files suit to stop it? Her own mate puts her very life at risk because his god says so. It's always so funny to see people of a certain persuasion that can't get a woman complain like it's the fault of women. That somehow these women need to learn to compromise (yeah, it's always everyone else that has to do the compromising) and just accept a completely lesser human being than they want. Turns out having a world view that a corpse should have more rights than a pregnant woman doesn't make one a babe magnet. Maybe when these snowflakes wake up and realize the world doesn't owe them a woman and women don't owe them sex or anything else and learn how to treat one, they won't be so undesirable.

Politics has always been important in a relationship. There is nothing new in that regard. What is new is it is far easier to know your date's politics far faster these days because the parties, after a long period of flux post have reconsolidated. And the other thing new is women are understanding more and more that they don't have to put up with it.

 

[gshanny]

PLEASE tell me you're joking.

Not at all, sadly. The other time he flossed in front of me was in the car, and then he threw it out the window. I am not fond of people who toss trash.

I would never reject someone because they had kids, but if I was a woman and met a guy who fathered a kid and wasn't in his/her life that would be my sign to not walk, but run away - quickly.

I am not against all kids, just younger kids. I work in a grade school, and my kids are grown. One kid made me a grandma last year. I just don't want to raise younger kids again. I want to spoil the grandkid and go home to a quieter house. I get plenty of time with young kids already.

I had my share of very bad dates before I met my husband.
The one who on the first date told me I would need to sell my car and get a minivan because he had 4 kids and I had 2 and he couldn’t manage any longer since his wife died. I may have burned rubber leaving the driveway.

The 40 yr old living home in mom’s cellar.

I had a guy tell me he wanted to be married within a year. He had lots of kids too.
I had one that I found out lived with mom. His heart worked at 34%, he had diabetes, and false teeth he didn't wear. He couldn't do anything, and his life expectancy was short. I felt for him, but wasn't interested in taking care of him. He died a few years ago.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Not at all, sadly. The other time he flossed in front of me was in the car, and then he threw it out the window. I am not fond of people who toss trash.

That's repugnant. He had to floss twice? How bad were his teeth? Was he English? (no offence, just poking a little fun) I can't even imagine that. Seeing some of these horror stories makes me think that I was overall very lucky. I did date this artist one time who had an obsession with spikes. She had this large spike sculpture mounted above her bed and it looked like a medieval torture device. It was always unnerving waking up to that first thing in the morning. We didn't last very long.

 

[gshanny]

That's repugnant. He had to floss twice? How bad were his teeth? Was he English? (no offence, just poking a little fun) I can't even imagine that. Seeing some of these horror stories makes me think that I was overall very lucky. I did date this artist one time who had an obsession with spikes. She had this large spike sculpture mounted above her bed and it looked like a medieval torture device. It was always unnerving waking up to that first thing in the morning. We didn't last very long.

It was two different times. I know, I know, I should have ended it sooner, but I really wanted to give him a chance. Once I realized he was going to catch me rolling my eyes sooner or later, I told him I needed to talk to him. He must have known what I was going to say because I never heard from him again. If we never officially broke it off does that mean we are still a thing? He did get married less than a year later, so his new wife might override that,,,,,lol

 

[Chili327]

I just wanted to add that modern dating is a complete ****show. lol
Proof - https://www.reddit.com/r/dating

 

[tvguy]

A lot of women won't date a man of a certain political persuasion and I quite frankly don't blame them. Why should they marry someone whose values are regressive, inhumane, bigoted, deliberately cruel, and their hero repugnant? Why should women go out with people that clearly don't respect women and hence don't respect them? Hmmm. Go figure. A lot of women don't want to date someone that thinks women like them are fat, ugly, and can't make up their mind whether they're too frigid, or too trampy Again, I don't blame them one bit. And these days, it may be her very life at stake. What if she has complications of pregnancy, needs a procedure to save her life and her own mate files suit to stop it? Her own mate puts her very life at risk because his god says so. It's always so funny to see people of a certain persuasion that can't get a woman complain like it's the fault of women. That somehow these women need to learn to compromise (yeah, it's always everyone else that has to do the compromising) and just accept a completely lesser human being than they want. Turns out having a world view that a corpse should have more rights than a pregnant woman doesn't make one a babe magnet. Maybe when these snowflakes wake up and realize the world doesn't owe them a woman and women don't owe them sex or anything else and learn how to treat one, they won't be so undesirable.

Politics has always been important in a relationship. There is nothing new in that regard. What is new is it is far easier to know your date's politics far faster these days because the parties, after a long period of flux post have reconsolidated. And the other thing new is women are understanding more and more that they don't have to put up with it.

Well, those ARE some extreme examples. Thank the Lord I never encountered anyone like that on a date.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Fascinating. You’re the real McCoy. So, would you ever break any of your rules for the right girl? What would it take? I’m genuinely curious, not goading.

Sometimes I wonder if any single women on the Disboards would ever consider a date with @Buzz Rules given my list. (Speaking hypotheticaly of course, not trying to sound like a creep in anyway).

Also, given a previous comment, I'm curious if the perspective of the 30+ year old living at their parent's house has changed in the recent years. I know friends who still live in their parent's house and have well established, great paying careers and choose to spend their well earned cash on things they could not afford to if they had a mortgage and the like. My point is, if sometimes living at home if someone does not have a financial reason to leave the "nest", should it still be a red flag? Many millennials have student debt that it takes into their thirties to pay off. Just an example.

 

[snowwite]

That's repugnant. He had to floss twice? How bad were his teeth? Was he English? (no offence, just poking a little fun) I can't even imagine that. Seeing some of these horror stories makes me think that I was overall very lucky. I did date this artist one time who had an obsession with spikes. She had this large spike sculpture mounted above her bed and it looked like a medieval torture device. It was always unnerving waking up to that first thing in the morning. We didn't last very long.

Off topic but my husband is a Brit and until we watched Austin Powers he had no clue people made fun of British dental care. That said once I explained he thought it was hilarious.