Dating Advice needed...is it a red flag?

[Christine]

OP--I understand you wanting to give people second chances. In reading your post, I sort of feel that way too. I mean, man, I don't know if personally I could handle his past; however, I feel bad for writing people off when they are really trying to come out of it. So there's THAT rub...

Having said that, I am always amazed at how quickly people progress in new relationships. Now, I haven't dated in 28 years and I'm not sure how I would handle the dating scene as a much older adult. Most of the information I get on people dating is either reading their experiences on the DIS or from a few people I know at work. I think it is astounding how fast people progress with this online dating stuff. I mean, you had one date with man (and then a few more over the next week) and I feel like he dumped his whole world on you. He is asking WAY too much of you and you don't know him. Quite honestly, I think it should have been a few months of seeing each other before he even asked you to drive him anywhere.

So, THAT part is my red flag. I don't like it and I think it is terribly wrong of him to impose on you so soon. That's the biggest red flag and warning sign.

 

[MinnieMe87]

No....

get away FAST in your car that you won't be driving him around in.

This!

 

[johnsontrio]

I'm with Christine. I can understand you wanted to give him a chance but as I tell my DD, the things you specifically overlook in order not to be judgmental, are usually the things that come back and bite you in the butt.

I was almost 30 when I married and I had formulated a list of fatal flaws. They need to be dealbreaker issues for you. If some of these issues are fatal flaws in your opinion, you need to walk away. My list of fatal flaws guided me into a wonderful relationship with a man that has turned out to be a better husband than I was even hoping for.

I am wondering how he has handled the driving issue before you? If he is truly independent then he should have worked out his transportation needs over the past years that he has been unable to drive. Needing you to take him to see his Mother's grave, etc... how did he do this in the past.

I'd be wary of getting into a relationship with someone so needy. The issue with the teeth would probably be a deal breaker for me. I expect men to come already raised . You are not his Mother. Some gals don't mind fixing a guy up, but at his age, I'd guess that horse is already out of the barn. He may not be so amenable to change.

If you have even an inkling that you can do better than this, you probably can. Don't settle just to have a man.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Do you really need someone to tell you this is a mess? Seriously?

 

[Dream]

Seriously????

Flags don't get much redder. Excuses to RUN AWAY don't get much better!!!!

 

[NMAmy]

That is great, but what did he do to that he still can't drive?

That's what I'd be most curious about.

 

[Docwoods]

You're 31,which is ENTIRELY too young to settle for some guy who sounds like he's already lived a hundred lives.Cut your losses and walk away.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Only you know how important those things are to you (teeth, not driving, recovered addict, Autistic, etc). The poor guy deserves to be romantically involved with someone. All those things don't make him horrible.

The thing that probably bothers me the most is that he's moving so fast. That's always a huge red flag to me. I'd tell him you want to take it slower and see how he responds. Or...if you decide that's all too much rolled up into one guy (nice as he is), just gently tell him you've decided a relationship just wouldn't work between you two.

 

[HERSEY]

I think you already have the answers to your questions. There are so many red flags here. Any one of them should make you pause.

It sounds like he is not as recovered of an addicts as you may think. He may trading one addict for another You. He is too needy.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You're 31,which is ENTIRELY too young to settle for some guy who sounds like he's already lived a hundred lives.Cut your losses and walk away.

Well said.

 

[holycow]

Yikes I'm all for dating but do you really want a

Man project in your future???? If you want to invest the time and potential heartache then go for it!

 

[Goofycampers]

Or am I overreacting?

2 weeks ago I went out on a date with a very nice man. He is 35 and I am 31. We met off a dating website. When we emailed or chatted online at first, he did not type well at all and kept saying when he saw me he would explain why. Then he told me that he doesn't drive, not thrilled but I had an idea of why he didn't.

I pick him up, we go to dinner, it was very nice. However as soon as we sat down he said he always wanted to go on a Disney Cruise, maybe if things work out we could do that together. I thought wow, great a little weird but nice. He didn't know how much I loved Disney so I thought it was a good sign.

Then he started to tell me about his life. He is a recovered addict (drugs and alcohol) 9 years. Good for him. That was why he did not have his liscense. He can get it back soon he told me.

He also said that because of the drugs he has trouble writing.

That was a Saturday, we saw each other again Tuesday and then Thursday that same week.

My concern is that I am going to be his driver, he has asked me to take him several places over the course of the next few months. His mother will be dead 6 years this Feb. my birthday is in Feb. as well. He already wants to meet my family ( he knows my stepfather, they used to work together ) taking all of us out for my birthday.

He then asked me to drive him about 2 hours to visit his mother's grave. This is where my issue starts. WE don't know each other well enough and I think its weird. We talk often enough and I am happy about that but I am finding out more things about him and on our last date together we just went out for a quick bite of Pizza and well he took his teeth out in the restaurant.

Then he told me that he can't read or write well because he is Autistic. He wa also married 9 years ago but had it anulled because he was too high and drunk.

I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe its me I am overthinking things and everything will be fine. Should I just see where things go or should I be concerned?

O.k. that's just gross.

 

[iwrbnd]

"Run away, Simba! Run away and never return!"

 

[dakcp2001]

Do you watch Jersey Shore? "Sounds like a stage 5 CLINGER!" I suspect this guy will be hard to shake.

 

[Carly_Roach]

The driving thing bothers me the most! I thought that I was just overreacting but most of my friends said that it would be an issue with them as well.

My other challenge is he told me that he sent away for a birthday gift for me already! My birthday is about 2 weeks away and I don't know what to do about that.

No where in either of your posts do I see the words, "I like him a lot" or "I think he's the one" or "I can see myself growing old with this man". It's all about what he's doing or his shortcomings.

IMO, you should probably cut this thing off before it builds up a head of steam. Don't lead him on, don't try to be nice (the whole, "I like you but I don't like you like that - can't we be friends?" deal). If the chemistry isn't there, then the chemistry isn't there and it's no one's fault. It sounds like you're just not that into him.

As far as the birthday gift is concerned, depending on the cost of it you can either tell him to cancel the order, refuse to accept it, or purchase it from him if he tries to give it to you.

 

[johnsontrio]

No where in either of your posts do I see the words, "I like him a lot" or "I think he's the one" or "I can see myself growing old with this man". It's all about what he's doing or his shortcomings.

IMO, you should probably cut this thing off before it builds up a head of steam. Don't lead him on, don't try to be nice (the whole, "I like you but I don't like you like that - can't we be friends?" deal). If the chemistry isn't there, then the chemistry isn't there and it's no one's fault. It sounds like you're just not that into him.

As far as the birthday gift is concerned, depending on the cost of it you can either tell him to cancel the order, refuse to accept it, or purchase it from him if he tries to give it to you.

I forgot about the birthday gift.... Sounds like he is trying to obligate you.. if nothing else his social skills are extremely lacking.. Also, something doesn't ring true with the whole Autism claim to me.

 

[momx2]

I would run, run, run away and very fast!

 

[Piglet]

Trust your instincts. If it doesn't seem right - it isn't!!!!

 

[onelilspark]

I'm with some of the others. More than the drugs or the fact he can't drive, or that he doesn't have teeth...he's moving wayyyy too fast. Slow down, take a breath. See if this is really something that you want. And if it's not, do not feel bad about ending it.

 

[brockash]

Walk away...