Dating Advice - Help Needed!

[frndshpcptn]

Background:

This past August, I broke things off with my BF of 7 years after I found out that he was a cheater. We had lived together for the last 2 of those 7 years.

I moved out, took the dog, got my own place, etc.

Over the past few months I have been stepping back into the dating world. I've met some dates through friends, some through online dating sites.

My issue: I can't get enthused to go out with the guys I meet more than once. Some of the dates are "fine" and some are terrible. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but it's getting progressively harder to motivate myself to keep going out on dates with new guys.

Two weekends ago I went on two dates. On the first one, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Only the guy spoke throughout the entire three hour dinner. Every time he'd ask me a question, he'd answer it himself.

Date two was "fine." We met up around lunchtime (1 PM) and I asked if he were going to order food and he said he had just eaten. Ok - wierd - but fine. So I ordered some fries, as I was starving. He was a bit crude in his stories / conversation topics and I needed several drinks in order to make it through the lunch. I haven't called him back since.

Nex, I "met" another guy on the online site this past week. We chatted and he called two nights ago. I didn't answer the phone and haven't returned his call yet. I just can't do it.

I'm in my early 30's. I want a family someday. I know I need to keep dating to meet the "right" guy. But I really can't bring myself to even call back this one guys who I had a perfectly lovely chat with via email. I don't want to "force" conversation or put the effort out to "try."

I really don't know what to do next. I'm at a loss for how to A) find the motivation to keep dating or B) reconcile that maybe I need more time to myself before I date again (without freaking out about my age).

Plus, my dog takes up a lot of my time and attention after work on weeknights...

Help, please.

 

[Barbossa]

Definitely go with "Plan B". Give yourself some time to get over your previous relationship. When I was 30 I went through a particularly hideous breakup. I actually swore off women for a couple years. That phase eventually ended, though, and I dated a couple really nice girls, ended up marrying one of them.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I'm a big believer in not settling for any old guy. Don't stress about age because when you meet the right guy, it will be so right that you will make up for lost time. You only really need to date a year and then marriage after that. (but that's only when you know he's the one!). So take your time. Only give guys 3 dates before you back out. Don't waste time.

I'd also like to add that the absolute best way to find a boyfriend/girlfriend is through family and friends. People are desperate to play matchmaker. Tell everyone you know that you are looking and they will do the work for you.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Honestly, I think you just need to release it into the universe and just focus on making yourself happy. I'm unmarried and have never had kids and if it ends up always being that way (even though I want a family and to get married) I'm really ok with that and think my life would be equally as fantastic. I don't think you're emotionally/mentally ready to start dating again (or force dating it sounds like). What do you want out of life? Other than a husband and kids.

I think you should just enjoy you for awhile. Take your dog for walks, maybe sign up for a dog agility class, etc. And if you do go out on dates just think of it as going out with a friend or a chance to meet someone new or at the very least it'll be a lesson learned about what you don't want.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Honestly, I think you just need to release it into the universe and just focus on making yourself happy. I'm unmarried and have never had kids and if it ends up always being that way (even though I want a family and to get married) I'm really ok with that and think my life would be equally as fantastic.

I feel the same. I have a daughter but I am single and have been so for 3 years with no prospects in sight. I'm ok with that, and I mean that sincerely.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Sounds like you just aren't ready now, which means that it wouldn't work out anyways. Have fun and don't put pressure on yourself to find someone or date. If you go out on a date, don't go out looking for a spouse - go out looking to have a good time...

 

[frndshpcptn]

Thanks, all. I really do appreciate the insight / advice.

As for family and friends able to play matchmaker - that doesn't seem to happen that much in my group. They do know I am (apparently somewhat) receptive to meeting people, but no one has really had any suggestions / friends that are single.

As for what else I really want out of life, I have a good career and like what I do. I would like to grow in my field, but have been doing so consistently for the past 10 years. It's the only area of my life that I actually feel some pride in - it's the one area of my world that my Mother can brag about to her friends. My dream job is across the country from where I currently live - so perhaps that's something to consider - it's a big move, though.

Last year I decided I didn't do enough to challenge myself, so I signed up for the WDW Half-Marathon and finished the race. Then, I decided not only to do it again this past year, but create a team of friends to do it with me. Check - did that too.

I'm looking for other classes to take this Spring - dance and/or educational. There are a number of options in NYC for that - so am hoping to narrow it down soon. Finding a doggie playgroup is a good idea - there are a ton of those around!

My office is primarily female (ok, all female actually) - so meeting someone at work is a no-go.

As for guy - I really didn't think I was broken-hearted for him. Maybe broken-hearted that someone I trusted could be such a loser. I really didn't miss him much once I left. I barely shed a tear and we don't stay in touch. From the day I walked out, we had maybe 3 phone calls and all were logistical (he paid the movers to move my stuff to my new apartment). I deleted him (and all his / our friends) from my Facebook contact list and avoided all phone calls from friends of "ours" to cut myself completely off from that world. Maybe that was wrong? I don't know...

 

[NY Disney fan]

If you go out on a date, don't go out looking for a spouse - go out looking to have a good time...

If time is of the essence and you want a family and marriage, then I *do* believe you should go out looking for a spouse and not just a good time. In other words, if you meet a cute/fun guy, give him a few dates to see if he's husband material. Don't waste time with a bad match.

So even if you like a guy and find him great, but he spends his days playing video games (like my ex-H) don't marry him. Keep him as a platonic friend.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I'm looking for other classes to take this Spring - dance and/or educational. .

Hey PM me if you wanna do a dance class. I'm in NYC and I looove to take class.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

As for guy - I really didn't think I was broken-hearted for him. Maybe broken-hearted that someone I trusted could be such a loser. I really didn't miss him much once I left. I barely shed a tear and we don't stay in touch. From the day I walked out, we had maybe 3 phone calls and all were logistical (he paid the movers to move my stuff to my new apartment). I deleted him (and all his / our friends) from my Facebook contact list and avoided all phone calls from friends of "ours" to cut myself completely off from that world. Maybe that was wrong? I don't know...

No way! I would've done the same thing. There's no reason to stay connected to all of that. I don't think you're necessarily still stuck on the guy, like you said. I was engaged and living with a guy in Cincinnati, OH. I found out he was cheating on me the same day he broke up with me. I continued to live with him for two weeks as I gave two weeks at my job. I wasn't sad at all about the break up as we only saw each other maybe 3-5 waking hours a week because of his work schedule (and/or his "working late" schedule ) but it does take time to get over the breaking of the trust and to really believe in guys and love again.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If time is of the essence and you want a family and marriage, then I *do* believe you should go out looking for a spouse and not just a good time. In other words, if you meet a cute/fun guy, give him a few dates to see if he's husband material. Don't waste time with a bad match.

So even if you like a guy and find him great, but he spends his days playing video games (like my ex-H) don't marry him. Keep him as a platonic friend.

That's fair, but from a guy's perspective, if he thinks that you are looking for a husband, he will treat you differently on a date. You may never get to know him...

 

[NY Disney fan]

That's fair, but from a guy's perspective, if he thinks that you are looking for a husband, he will treat you differently on a date. You may never get to know him...

Differently how? If he's looking for a wife then he will know what to look for. You don't have to advertise that you are looking for a husband, you keep it under wraps while you get to know him.

 

[paintnolish]

If you enjoy the dating in general, then keep dating! I enjoy meeting new people, and if/when you meet someone worthwhile, I am sure you will be enthused. If your heart's not in it right now, then by all means, stop. Focus on yourself. Take classes. Get out an meet people. Do things for yourself. Shortly before my 30th, I was divorced with 2 dcs. I joined match because I thought it's be fun to go on dates! I'd been with xh since I was 18. So, I began dating with no plans in mind. I lucked out, though and met my now dh. GL to you!

 

[FireDancer]

Maybe you need more time to yourself, maybe not. I think it is generally a good idea to take a couple of months off after a long term relationship falls apart. Everyone is different though.

As for the looking for a spouse thing on a first date, I can't see that as a good idea. For the first couple of dates just be in the moment, not 10 years and 3 kids down the road. If they first couple go well then proceed naturally along the path of a relationship. If I am on a first date that feels like an interview it is pretty unlikely that there will be a second. If both people are being themselves and not putting on some sort of first date act then it will become pretty obvious by the end of the meal or whatever if there is any potential for a connection. Maybe not a connection but a potential for one.

Don't worry about the age either. I'm 32 and single. I would like to get married and have kids but I am not going to force it. If it happens great, if it doesn't great. I would rather be happy single then not happy married or in a relationship. I have many friends that got married because it was just the next step as opposed to get married because it worked as a partnership. All of the former are divorced or miserable and in the process of separating.

My biggest piece of advice from a guys perspective is just be yourself. I learned over time not to put on an act on a date. I am who I am, if you like it great, if you don't that is great too. I hope for the same and if you are yourself, and you like yourself, you don't feel the need to have to pretend to be someone else.

 

[frndshpcptn]

No way! I would've done the same thing. There's no reason to stay connected to all of that. I don't think you're necessarily still stuck on the guy, like you said. I was engaged and living with a guy in Cincinnati, OH. I found out he was cheating on me the same day he broke up with me. I continued to live with him for two weeks as I gave two weeks at my job. I wasn't sad at all about the break up as we only saw each other maybe 3-5 waking hours a week because of his work schedule (and/or his "working late" schedule ) but it does take time to get over the breaking of the trust and to really believe in guys and love again.

Thanks

I realyl do think I'm having a huge block believing in "love" again. I see couples on the street that appear to be on dates and think "ugh - I can't imagine doing that." I hate the "mushy" parts of movies and just get overwhelmed thinking about starting over.

Working so hard to build love and trust and comfort and security with another person. It's so much effort and I keep remembering how the 7-year guy was great at the start. Romantic, sweet, kind, thoughtful. Over time we grew to be best friends (or so I thought) in addition to the romance.

I knew a lot of his friends cheated on thier wives / girlfriends (and he had issues with lying and visiting adult nightclubs with the guys WAY too often throughout the course of our relationship) but I never really thought he'd out and out cheat the way he did (seedy motel room in Atlantic City with some chick he picked up at a club there). Text / photos to document the sordid weekend. Awesome.

For a while this past Fall I was seeing someone totally casually - I knew it would never go anywhere but it was fun and easy. But that got tired and I stoppped seeing him around New Years.

I'm worried that I'm becoming depressed. I go out with girlfriends on the weekends, threw a "girls-only" Valentine's Day / Olympics dinner party at my place last weekend, just got back a few weeks ago from WDW and my second Half Marathon, go out to walk my dog in my neighborhood four times a day to see our "doggie friends" and generally try not to lay on my couch and watch TV.

But it's not working. I can't figure out how to move past this and move forward.

 

[castmemberb4]

I was in your position when I was 28, Had caught my fiance with someone else, and was so over men. I moved to a new city, new job, wasn't looking for a man wanted to focus on my career. I met my now DH 3 months later at work, we moved in together 3 monthas after that and have been marrtied for 17 years. I'm not saying you have to move away I'm just saying stop looking, go about your life and the person you're supposed to be with will come along.
I will add that the point at which I met DH I was happy with my life happy with myself and I think that makes a difference.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Differently how? If he's looking for a wife then he will know what to look for. You don't have to advertise that you are looking for a husband, you keep it under wraps while you get to know him.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never met a man that went on a date hoping to find a wife. I know that they are out there, though. Men are different from women, and men can often tell from the questions that they get whether the girls is just out to have fun or looking to become serious immediately.

I know that you know this, but most men do not want to become serious immediately - even very good men who would make great husbands. If they think that this is your goal, their whole attitude changes. They begin to wonder if they are seeing the real you, or just a facade put on to attract a husband. For many, it kills the fun.

I am just trying to give the OP another perspective to consider...

 

[Barbossa]

I can't speak for all men, but I have never met a man that went on a date hoping to find a wife. I know that they are out there, though. Men are different from women, and men can often tell from the questions that they get whether the girls is just out to have fun or looking to become serious immediately.

I know that you know this, but most men do not want to become serious immediately - even very good men who would make great husbands. If they think that this is your goal, their whole attitude changes. They begin to wonder if they are seeing the real you, or just a facade put on to attract a husband. For many, it kills the fun.

I am just trying to give the OP another perspective to consider...

Wise words indeed.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I can't speak for all men, but I have never met a man that went on a date hoping to find a wife. I know that they are out there, though. Men are different from women, and men can often tell from the questions that they get whether the girls is just out to have fun or looking to become serious immediately.

I know that you know this, but most men do not want to become serious immediately - even very good men who would make great husbands. If they think that this is your goal, their whole attitude changes. They begin to wonder if they are seeing the real you, or just a facade put on to attract a husband. For many, it kills the fun.

I am just trying to give the OP another perspective to consider...

Fair enough - and honestly, I don't think I'm going on dates and throwing that "vibe" out there (or maybe I am?).

My bigger problem is once I go on the date I can't bring myself to call the guy back in the days after to set up date 2.

And lately, I've been having more difficulty convincing myself to go on date 1.

I really do think it's me. I know this. I just don't know what do do about it.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with who I am. I recently lost about 20 pounds -most of which I had put on in my last year with ex-BF - who actually noted the initial phase of my weight loss as he was admitting to the cheating. As in he said "I don't know why I cheated - you look better now than you have in the past year." And at my heaviest I was 150 - at 5'5. Nice.

I feel like I'm just too tired to go for it again so much of the time lately...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Fair enough - and honestly, I don't think I'm going on dates and throwing that "vibe" out there (or maybe I am?).....

I didn't mean to suggest that you were. That was more a response to the notion that you should ditch a guy after a couple of dates if he isn't a husband prospect.

Just have fun. Guys want to have fun just like girls (and not just that, either). So go out and relax. When you meet the right guy, you'll be ready. Then you won't have a problem with date #2 or #3.

No expectations...