Dating Advice - Help Needed!

[frndshpcptn]

Maybe you need more time to yourself, maybe not. I think it is generally a good idea to take a couple of months off after a long term relationship falls apart. Everyone is different though.

As for the looking for a spouse thing on a first date, I can't see that as a good idea. For the first couple of dates just be in the moment, not 10 years and 3 kids down the road. If they first couple go well then proceed naturally along the path of a relationship. If I am on a first date that feels like an interview it is pretty unlikely that there will be a second. If both people are being themselves and not putting on some sort of first date act then it will become pretty obvious by the end of the meal or whatever if there is any potential for a connection. Maybe not a connection but a potential for one.

Don't worry about the age either. I'm 32 and single. I would like to get married and have kids but I am not going to force it. If it happens great, if it doesn't great. I would rather be happy single then not happy married or in a relationship. I have many friends that got married because it was just the next step as opposed to get married because it worked as a partnership. All of the former are divorced or miserable and in the process of separating.

My biggest piece of advice from a guys perspective is just be yourself. I learned over time not to put on an act on a date. I am who I am, if you like it great, if you don't that is great too. I hope for the same and if you are yourself, and you like yourself, you don't feel the need to have to pretend to be someone else.

This is generally really good advice.

My problem, though, is not that I am looking for a spouse on the first date. Or going on the date with expectations of marrying this guy. Or imagining future children (I'm not a enthusiastic kid-person to begin with - I really don't daydream about them often).

My problem is that I can't seem to find the motivation to put forth the effort to date.

The conflict in my head is that I think I should be dating - and in theory want to be dating - but when it comes to the actual act of dating I seem to lose steam somewhere.

It's been 6 months since I left my ex. I miss having a connection with someone the way we did. But I really have a hard time imaging intimacy with a guy on any level. Like, I already did this - and I can't belive I have to start over and do it again.

The newness of dating again isn't exciting to me - it's exhausting.

I really do already do other things - I have a pretty well-rounded life. I meet people everyday - walking my dog is great for that. I have a lovely 2-5 minute chat with the other person / their dog and am then on my way.

I think another part of it is pressure from my parents to "meet someone and give them grandkids." They are truly confused and saddened that they are the ONLY ones of thier large group of friends who don't have children that are married and having the first grandkids now. Like they did something wrong because neither my sister or I are "settled down." I feel like I let them down on some level. I know I can't control how they feel - but they are my parents and I love them and only want them to be happy (and before you ask - yes, I know that's what they want for me too - but what they REALLY want it a wedding and grandkids - trust me on this one).

I don't know - maybe I should pick up and move. Whenever someone has asked me what I want out of life, my answer has ALWAYS been the same for the past 12 years - and it's 100% career related. Maybe it's time to try and make that happen?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...The newness of dating again isn't exciting to me - it's exhausting...

Maybe you just haven't dated anyone worth getting excited about yet. Stay positive...

 

[frndshpcptn]

Maybe you just haven't dated anyone worth getting excited about yet. Stay positive...

Thank you - that actually made me smile. I am definitely going to try and stay positive.

 

[Disney Doll]

I always found that when I broke up a "significant" relationship that it took me more than a few months to "get over" it. Not that I was necessarily pining away for the guy and crying every day for months and months, but just the whole "ick I don't want to have to do this again", like you refer to.

What I found is that I went on about my business. I didn't seek male companionship. I didn't go to a dating service (no online dating back in the late 80's!), I didn't hang at bars trying to meet people (not saying you are...just referring to the common ways people met back in the late 80's). I did stuff with my friends, I worked a bit more, developed my own interests and actually thought about the relationship that had ended and learned many lessons from it. What could he have done better? What could I have done better? What warning signs did I miss? What did I like about him that would be qualities I'd like in another man? What did I dislike about him that would be qualities that would be deal-breakers if they appeared in another man? I really thought about it very...almost clinically...in some ways, like it was a homework assignment, once the emotional part had waned a bit.

I had a couple of friends that set me up on a couple of blind dates in that time period... I think actually 2 in the year post-break up. Neither was any connection, but I just considered them nights out. Perfectly pleasant but no sparks.

Because my parents weren't bugging me to get married etc., I didn't have that pressure. That may be one area where you may have to tell Mom and Dad to lay off. The pressure from them alone may be giving you this feeling of being "stuck" because you are not doing what Mom and Dad say you are "supposed" to do....no matter how old we are, we want to please Mom and Dad.

I know you said you don't cry over the ex, but you did spend 7 years of your life with him, and I don't think you "get over" that in 6 months. Give yourself permission to be alone (which is very different from lonely), give yourself permission to live your life on your terms for a while....you've spent 7 years having to consider how your decisions were going to impact someone else in addition to yourself, so it's OK to be a little selfish. You've spent 7 years thinking your life was going to be one way and now it's turning out to be another way...you essentially have to remake a part of yourself and I don't think that happens overnight. I don't think you get over 7 years in 6 months and I don't think you have to.

As far as dating...do it, don't do it. There's no law that says everyone has to be partnered off. This isn't Noah's Ark. The day may come when you will feel the impetus to date. Or, you may be so happy with the life you create for yourself that you won't feel the impetus to date. Both are OK. If you do date, look at it as a night out with a friend. Don't be worrying about calling him again, marrying him, or anything else. It's a night out. That's it.

Good luck and keep us posted on your journey, becaus eit is that... a journey....

 

[frndshpcptn]

I always found that when I broke up a "significant" relationship that it took me more than a few months to "get over" it. Not that I was necessarily pining away for the guy and crying every day for months and months, but just the whole "ick I don't want to have to do this again", like you refer to.

What I found is that I went on about my business. I didn't seek male companionship. I didn't go to a dating service (no online dating back in the late 80's!), I didn't hang at bars trying to meet people (not saying you are...just referring to the common ways people met back in the late 80's). I did stuff with my friends, I worked a bit more, developed my own interests and actually thought about the relationship that had ended and learned many lessons from it. What could he have done better? What could I have done better? What warning signs did I miss? What did I like about him that would be qualities I'd like in another man? What did I dislike about him that would be qualities that would be deal-breakers if they appeared in another man? I really thought about it very...almost clinically...in some ways, like it was a homework assignment, once the emotional part had waned a bit.

I had a couple of friends that set me up on a couple of blind dates in that time period... I think actually 2 in the year post-break up. Neither was any connection, but I just considered them nights out. Perfectly pleasant but no sparks.

Because my parents weren't bugging me to get married etc., I didn't have that pressure. That may be one area where you may have to tell Mom and Dad to lay off. The pressure from them alone may be giving you this feeling of being "stuck" because you are not doing what Mom and Dad say you are "supposed" to do....no matter how old we are, we want to please Mom and Dad.

I know you said you don't cry over the ex, but you did spend 7 years of your life with him, and I don't think you "get over" that in 6 months. Give yourself permission to be alone (which is very different from lonely), give yourself permission to live your life on your terms for a while....you've spent 7 years having to consider how your decisions were going to impact someone else in addition to yourself, so it's OK to be a little selfish. You've spent 7 years thinking your life was going to be one way and now it's turning out to be another way...you essentially have to remake a part of yourself and I don't think that happens overnight. I don't think you get over 7 years in 6 months and I don't think you have to.

As far as dating...do it, don't do it. There's no law that says everyone has to be partnered off. This isn't Noah's Ark. The day may come when you will feel the impetus to date. Or, you may be so happy with the life you create for yourself that you won't feel the impetus to date. Both are OK. If you do date, look at it as a night out with a friend. Don't be worrying about calling him again, marrying him, or anything else. It's a night out. That's it.

Good luck and keep us posted on your journey, becaus eit is that... a journey....

WOW - thank you. This is great advice. It sounds like you really get how I am feeling and I appreciate your insight and thoughts.

 

[FireDancer]

The newness of dating again isn't exciting to me - it's exhausting.

This makes me think you aren't ready to date yet. It isn't scientific or anything but I think once you are ready you will be excited.

I think another part of it is pressure from my parents to "meet someone and give them grandkids." They are truly confused and saddened that they are the ONLY ones of their large group of friends who don't have children that are married and having the first grandkids now. Like they did something wrong because neither my sister or I are "settled down." I feel like I let them down on some level. I know I can't control how they feel - but they are my parents and I love them and only want them to be happy (and before you ask - yes, I know that's what they want for me too - but what they REALLY want it a wedding and grandkids - trust me on this one).

Parents can be a bit over the top on this kind of pressure. Luckily my mom isn't, partly because one of my brothers is married and has a kid so it lessons the burden on my other brother and me, but even before that she never pressed any of us to marry. She never should have married my dad and part of the reason she did was because she felt she was getting old and should marry someone (she was 28 at the time) and she would never push us into making the same mistake.

I think from your posts here you should lay off dating for a little longer. Get out there and do the things you like and there is a good chance you will just meet someone at an event. Some of my best dates have been with people I met at the gym or at a run and at none of those places was I on the look for anything. When you are around other people who enjoy the same things as you there is a better chance of fate playing a part. It might be that you feel like you are forcing yourself to date in these somewhat controlled manners (website, friend set up) and that makes it all feel unnatural to you.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I always found that when I broke up a "significant" relationship that it took me more than a few months to "get over" it. Not that I was necessarily pining away for the guy and crying every day for months and months, but just the whole "ick I don't want to have to do this again", like you refer to.

What I found is that I went on about my business. I didn't seek male companionship. I didn't go to a dating service (no online dating back in the late 80's!), I didn't hang at bars trying to meet people (not saying you are...just referring to the common ways people met back in the late 80's). I did stuff with my friends, I worked a bit more, developed my own interests and actually thought about the relationship that had ended and learned many lessons from it. What could he have done better? What could I have done better? What warning signs did I miss? What did I like about him that would be qualities I'd like in another man? What did I dislike about him that would be qualities that would be deal-breakers if they appeared in another man? I really thought about it very...almost clinically...in some ways, like it was a homework assignment, once the emotional part had waned a bit.

I had a couple of friends that set me up on a couple of blind dates in that time period... I think actually 2 in the year post-break up. Neither was any connection, but I just considered them nights out. Perfectly pleasant but no sparks.

Because my parents weren't bugging me to get married etc., I didn't have that pressure. That may be one area where you may have to tell Mom and Dad to lay off. The pressure from them alone may be giving you this feeling of being "stuck" because you are not doing what Mom and Dad say you are "supposed" to do....no matter how old we are, we want to please Mom and Dad.

I know you said you don't cry over the ex, but you did spend 7 years of your life with him, and I don't think you "get over" that in 6 months. Give yourself permission to be alone (which is very different from lonely), give yourself permission to live your life on your terms for a while....you've spent 7 years having to consider how your decisions were going to impact someone else in addition to yourself, so it's OK to be a little selfish. You've spent 7 years thinking your life was going to be one way and now it's turning out to be another way...you essentially have to remake a part of yourself and I don't think that happens overnight. I don't think you get over 7 years in 6 months and I don't think you have to.

As far as dating...do it, don't do it. There's no law that says everyone has to be partnered off. This isn't Noah's Ark. The day may come when you will feel the impetus to date. Or, you may be so happy with the life you create for yourself that you won't feel the impetus to date. Both are OK. If you do date, look at it as a night out with a friend. Don't be worrying about calling him again, marrying him, or anything else. It's a night out. That's it.

Good luck and keep us posted on your journey, becaus eit is that... a journey....

I have to say, I've really been thinking about your post since I first read it and it keeps reverberating in my head. Especially the parts about giving myself permission to take more time for me.

For a majority of my relationship with the ex, it was all about him. we spent more time with his friends, his family, etc. I know part of that was my fault - I let it happen. He was honest about not wanting to make new friends (with mine) and he often wanted to invite one of his friends with him when he would come to send time with my family (seriously). Those should have been red flags, but I think I had such little self-confidence in my early 20's that I looked past it and all of a sudden, 7 years had gone by.

I made all my decision based on how it would affect "us" and him - the idea of just doing what I want, when I want is sort of exhilirating.

I've been afraid to be alone (I'm definitely not lonely, though). Maybe I have to take more "alone time" before jumping back into dating?

 

[redlight]

I had a difficult breakup in the fall of '08. It's been hard getting back into the dating world, and most of the dates I have had have been just okay.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I had a difficult breakup in the fall of '08. It's been hard getting back into the dating world, and most of the dates I have had have been just okay.

I know how you feel....