Daily joke thread......

[Modeltrf]

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

 

[Modeltrf]

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid. "
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here. "

 

[Modeltrf]

Who started the campfire website?
Some bright spark.

 

[Modeltrf]

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said " I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with the milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked "do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said "No, just up to my Ta Tas. I can splash it on my face."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

[cm8]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck .

 

[Born 2 Fish]

This guy was driving in a car with his date. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Time to rerpeat this joke,,but it is a good classic.

Chili Cook-Off
This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all
of the beer.

CHILI 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

CHILI 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.

CHILI 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge 3 - No Report

 

[donaldduck352]

Time to rerpeat this joke,,but it is a good classic.

Chili Cook-Off
This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all
of the beer.

CHILI 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

CHILI 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.

CHILI 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge 3 - No Report

I love this one,a classic!!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.
_______________________________________

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mommy put you in charge, right?"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Recently, I was diagnosed with *A.A.A.D.D. *
*A*ge *A*ctivated *A*ttention *D*eficit *D*isorder.

*This is how it manifests:*


I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque
left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold .
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that Iʼve
been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk.
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers..
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed .
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter .
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book.
I can't find the remote.
I can't find my glasses.
And I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all stinking day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day
is coming!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Stole these from another camping site:


When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn
camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open
fire.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The
tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry
in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer
clear of those named for landfills.

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping
bag.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side
of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into
the woods alone.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small
game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road
behind a large motor home.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

Always carry a deck of cards when you take a hike in unfamiliar territory.
If you find yourself lost and alone, simply sit down, begin to play a game
of solitaire and someone will soon come along to reach in and place the red
nine on the black ten. Happens every time.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Q:What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than A bra.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.