Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

[ZeroMyHero]

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy ?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"Whats the matter ?" asked little Davie. "Giving up ?"

_____________________________________

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go ?"

_____________________________________

An old woman is riding the elevator in a lavish New York City building when a beautiful woman get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance",by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce."
Then another young and beautiful woman gets onto the elevator also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel #5, $200.00 an ounce."
About 3 floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli-.49 cents a pound !

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning before breaking camp and pulling out of the campground.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS".

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Just for the fun of it while attending their RV club rally they decided to attend a marriage seminar, held in the clubhouse, dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it ever since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it is even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started to become a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

 

[Modeltrf]

Tips to improve writing


1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
4. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
5. Contractions aren't necessary.
6. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
7. One should never generalize.
8. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. "
9. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
10. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
11. Be more or less specific.
12. Understatement is always best.
13. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
14. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
15. Who needs rhetorical questions?
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. Don't never use a double negation.
18. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
19. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives."

 

[Modeltrf]

Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?
Because time will tell.

 

[Modeltrf]

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers? " they stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do. "

 

[Modeltrf]

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here. "Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim? "Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron... You can't get out of here with an 8-iron! "

 

[Modeltrf]

How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?
Tired.

 

[Modeltrf]

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. "
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. "
"I would not allow this employee to breed. "
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. "
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. "
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. "
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. "
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy. "
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. "
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. "
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. "

 

[Modeltrf]

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you? "

The man said, "I've come to install the phone. "

 

[Modeltrf]

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.