Daily joke thread......

[Modeltrf]

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smith while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell. " At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this? " she asked, "some pills? " "No ", replied Dr Smith, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose. "

 

[Modeltrf]

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! "
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye! "
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30! "

 

[Born 2 Fish]

..How do you get a sweet little 80-year old lady to curse ?

Get another sweet little 80-year old to yell "BINGO!"
___________________________________

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, '...These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she
wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,'....Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A RVing couple, both born the same year and month were celebrating their 60th. birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.
Very excited the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and presto,,he was 90.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Grandma was taking her 6 year old grandson to the hospital to visit grandpa who was ill. When they got to the floor where grandpa was located, the grandson went running down the hall to his room and burst thru the door excitedly yelling, "Grandpa, grandpa, make a noise like a frog ! " Bewildered grandpa says, "Niose like a frog?? Why?" At which the grandson replied, "Because grandma said when you croak, we can go to Disney World !"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A .. Perri-air.

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A .. She missed.

Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A .. Data transfer.

yea, yea, I know,, Blonde" jokes, so I'm a old fart, feel free to make fun of me,

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Bumper Stickers


A Monkey could do my job,
but he'd want better pay.

____________________________

From now on,
we'll screw things up my way.

______________________________




I'm Sorry,
Was it my job
to fill your life
with Joy today ?

______________________________

WAL-MART
your source for cheap plastic crap.

_____________________________

I can only please one person per day.
Today I choose me .

_____________________________

You mean shopping for more useless stuff
isn't the meaning of life ??

 

[Born 2 Fish]

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them says "Dang, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

by, Dave Barry

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1.. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[ZeroMyHero]

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest.

He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looked at the tree and grunted, 'Tree.'
The Priest was pleased with the response.
They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest was really flustered and quickly responded, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them! The Priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

 

[Modeltrf]

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg? " "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off. " "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand? " "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackers chopped it off with a saber. " "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye? " "Seagull droppings," says the Captain. "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out. " "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook. "

 

[Modeltrf]

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. " "How did you know that? " his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom! "

 

[Modeltrf]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace ". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location. "

 

[Modeltrf]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

 

[Modeltrf]

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish !


Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan?
He got cut off without a scent!

 

[Modeltrf]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x " in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is ".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace."

 

[Modeltrf]

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. "Hey, mister! Pssst, mister! " Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him. "Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful. "Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful. "Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog! "

 

[2goofycampers]

good ones

 

[Born 2 Fish]

(moldy but "Goldy")


A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."