Daily joke thread......

[jugman]

A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

[LuckyinGa]

A man had fifty yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[jugman]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

[des1954]

A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Now, THAT'S funny ---- and I don't care who you are!!

 

[AuburnJen92]

> > You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You

don't even have to like 'em!

> >
> > We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years

Eve Party.
> > We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine

on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the

backyard. We phoned the local cab

> > company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we

opened the front door to

> > leave the house.
> >
> > The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the

house. We didn't want the cat shut in
the house because

she always tries to eat the bird.

> >
> > My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get

the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot

pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the

driver to know that the house will be empty for the

night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be

out soon.

> >
> > "He's just going up
stairs to say goodbye to my mother."

> >
> > A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took

so long," > >
> > I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding

under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to

get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed

her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket

to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled

her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back

yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[AuburnJen92]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it from the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'










.................. And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

my biggest joke.

my sisters.

 

[LuckyinGa]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[ntsammy5]

my biggest joke.

my sisters.

Me too.

 

[jugman]

Man comes home from work and tells his wife. Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery today. Wife asks what should I pack? Husband says doesn't matter, just get the h$# out!

 

[AuburnJen92]

DEAR ABBY:

'I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?'

Sam in California .



DEAR SAM:

'Register as a Republican, and run for public office.'

 

[DaveInTN]

Sad thing is...it's true!

 

[LuckyinGa]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,....
'Then, why do you even give a shizzle?

 

[VACAMPER]

 

[2goofycampers]

President Pelosi got arrested !!!!

 

[2goofycampers]

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.



My Oath of Friendship

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider
monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be
involved in.


4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't
want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--

After I laugh my butt off!!


9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask --
because you are my FRIEND!



Friendship is like wetting your pants,

Everyone can see it,



But only you can feel the true warmth.

 

[BigDaddyRog]

Family & Friends: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk
Fort Fiends: Will form a 360 degree wall around you so you don't get caught doing it

Family & Friends: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Fort Fiends: Call your parents while drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up on at the comfort station

Family & Friends: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
Fort Fiends: Know some wild crap will happen, and set up rally points and an escape route for the getaway golf cart.

Family & Friends: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
Fort Fiends: Will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun as hell! Next time we wont get caught!"

Family & Friends: Cry with you.
Fort Fiends: Laugh at you and tell you to put on some Vagisil, quit being a wuss, put on your "big girl panties" and suck it up.

Family & Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Fort Fiends: Take each other's crap so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.

Family & Friends: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.
Fort Fiends: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.

Family & Friends: Know a few personal things about you.
Fort Fiends: Could write a book with direct quotes and embarrass you to death...but thats okay!!!

Family & Friends: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
Fort Fiends: Will kick the whole crowds asterisk that left you.

Family & Friends: Would knock on your door.
Fort Fiends: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!", and grab a beer out of the fridge before changing the chanell you were watching.

Family & Friends: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.
Fort Fiends: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out. Their will likely be blood shed.

Family & Friends: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
Fort Fiends: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night

Family & Friends: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
Fort Fiends: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Beyotch, you better drink the rest of that kungaloosh, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!"

Family & Friends: Want the money they loaned you back by next week.
Fort Fiends: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.

Family & Friends: Will say "I can't handle another Rumplemintze".
Fort Fiends: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later say "okay just one more".

Family & Friends: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
Fort Fiends: Will knock that sucker the hell out!!

Family & Friends: Will try to avoid you when your life is turning upside down
Fort Fiends: Will be on the Disboards bright & early waiting to cheer you up.

 

[Brer Bear]

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[Brer Bear]

Low crawl...does Gina know about this?