Daily joke thread......
- Thread starter tellnotails
- Start date
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
- Messages
- 12,373
Quotes about your pets.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
In dog years, I'm dead.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
In dog years, I'm dead.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
Some right sound advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies...once.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles
.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives
.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies...once.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles
.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives
.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Tent Camping Mom
<font color=blue>Sleeping Under the Stars<br><font
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 1,515
Why men shouldn't take messages:
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2008
- Messages
- 21,062
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6 Truths of Life :
1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this . I'm an idiot and I needed company.
6 Truths of Life :
1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this . I'm an idiot and I needed company.
/
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
vick
I just want to win!
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2008
- Messages
- 2,799
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Messages
- 730
Subject: Are you ready for some football?
> Fart Football
>
> An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
> When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven
> Points."
>
> His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
> that?"
> The old man replied, "It's fart football."
>
> A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
> "Touchdown, tie score."
>
> After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
> and says,
> "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
>
>
> Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
> "Touchdown, tie score."
>
> Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
> says,
> "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure
> is on the old man.
>
> He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
> hard.
> Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
> everything he's got,
> And accidentally ****s in the bed.
>
> The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
>
> The old man says, "Half time, switch sides
> Fart Football
>
> An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
> When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven
> Points."
>
> His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
> that?"
> The old man replied, "It's fart football."
>
> A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
> "Touchdown, tie score."
>
> After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
> and says,
> "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
>
>
> Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
> "Touchdown, tie score."
>
> Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
> says,
> "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure
> is on the old man.
>
> He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
> hard.
> Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
> everything he's got,
> And accidentally ****s in the bed.
>
> The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
>
> The old man says, "Half time, switch sides
We4mickey
Cast Member
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2000
- Messages
- 2,441
A Wisconsin Poem
It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty five below
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow is up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I will hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
cause I'm frozen to the ground!!!!!
It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty five below
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow is up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I will hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
cause I'm frozen to the ground!!!!!
des1954
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2007
- Messages
- 7,329
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
This is the original Star Wars trilogy told by someone who has never seen it...quite the hilarious...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tweetmeme/star-wars-retold-by-someone-who-hasnt-seen/
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tweetmeme/star-wars-retold-by-someone-who-hasnt-seen/
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.'
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.'
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
- Messages
- 12,373
Oh sure ,,pick on Tennessee folk!
We would NEVER sell a talking dog that cheap,
we ask at least 15.oo for him.
What do you think we are , some kinda moran ?
We would NEVER sell a talking dog that cheap,
we ask at least 15.oo for him.
What do you think we are , some kinda moran ?
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