big kahuna1
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2006
- Messages
- 1,487
He's cornholin"!
Daily joke thread......
- Thread starter tellnotails
- Start date
He's cornholin"!
mamaloya
<font color=blue>Blows hard and hot and boils us<b
- Joined
- May 28, 2007
- Messages
- 1,034
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).
1.Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2.Remove your laptop.
3.Start up
4.Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5.Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6.Then hit this link
http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).
1.Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2.Remove your laptop.
3.Start up
4.Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5.Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6.Then hit this link
http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Messages
- 730
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new
bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money,
came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a
look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all
of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my
neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in
sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."
bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money,
came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a
look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all
of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my
neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in
sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."
BigDaddyRog
<font color=red>Ask me about my cartoon pitch<br><
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2007
- Messages
- 7,149
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the Cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet Engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the Cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet Engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
- Messages
- 12,373
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
Are we there yet ???
Fort Fiends Forever !
Are we there yet ???
Fort Fiends Forever !
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
>
> At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one
> more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the
> bulbs changed at Harvard.
>
> At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one
> to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is
> using for a ladder.
>
> At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and
> three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
>
> At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to
> reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to
> throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.
>
> At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the
> drinks and three to find the perfect J. Cr ew outfit to wear
> for the occasion.
>
> At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five
> Semester hours.
>
> At KENTUCKY : it takes eight! One to screw it in and seven
> to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during
> basketball season.
>
> At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw
> it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a
> radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate
> Alabama .
>
> At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the
> bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO
> HELL, OLE MISS".
>
> At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it,
> forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama
> and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's
> Corner when finished.
>
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and
> 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that
> they have a decent
> football team.
>
> At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .
>
> At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one
> more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the
> bulbs changed at Harvard.
>
> At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one
> to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is
> using for a ladder.
>
> At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and
> three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
>
> At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to
> reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to
> throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.
>
> At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the
> drinks and three to find the perfect J. Cr ew outfit to wear
> for the occasion.
>
> At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five
> Semester hours.
>
> At KENTUCKY : it takes eight! One to screw it in and seven
> to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during
> basketball season.
>
> At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw
> it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a
> radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate
> Alabama .
>
> At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the
> bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO
> HELL, OLE MISS".
>
> At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it,
> forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama
> and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's
> Corner when finished.
>
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and
> 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that
> they have a decent
> football team.
>
> At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .
big kahuna1
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2006
- Messages
- 1,487
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Messages
- 730
The gift that keeps on giving!
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price.
The more sheer, the higher the price Naturally, he opts for the sheerest
item - pays the $500 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at noon.
Closed coffin.
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price.
The more sheer, the higher the price Naturally, he opts for the sheerest
item - pays the $500 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at noon.
Closed coffin.
PolynesianPixie
Creating my own fairy tale realit
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2007
- Messages
- 5,005
My 5 year old's first job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between my little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Our family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
Recently, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. Our 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
Our little girl took this home to us. We suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When our daughter got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked our little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
Our little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?
Our little girl replied, I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in' sheet rock.
Kind of brings a tear to the eyedoesn't it?
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between my little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Our family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
Recently, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. Our 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
Our little girl took this home to us. We suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When our daughter got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked our little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
Our little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?
Our little girl replied, I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in' sheet rock.
Kind of brings a tear to the eyedoesn't it?
BigDaddyRog
<font color=red>Ask me about my cartoon pitch<br><
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2007
- Messages
- 7,149
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
OMG! I need to go home and change my clothes!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the Jerk told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the Jerk told you I was speeding, too.
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
So, just blame the a**holes at Home Depot. If they had delivered the f***in' sheet rock on time then your daughter wouldn't have enlarged her vocabulary!!
des1954
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2007
- Messages
- 7,329
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.
[/FONT][/FONT]
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.
[/FONT][/FONT]
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Messages
- 730
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said
he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,
to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said
he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,
to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Messages
- 730
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
-
Three NEW Disney Character Squishmallows
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