Dad's 80th birthday wish... but I don't think I can make it happen... Update 10/5

[Marchand63]

OP here,

Thanks so much for all the kind words, and knowing that I'm not the only one that has to deal with "family", is well very reassuring...

I did want to say that what issues I do have, I would never bring up in front of my parents. I can get through several hours around them, I did it for years, but now I will not put up with or tolerate their petty, whinny, knit picking, pity party, or argumentative behavior. While I love my brother and my nieces and great niece, and wish them nothing but happiness, and good health. For a long time I tried to make things work out... now I'm just over all of it.

I agree with above poster it is not about you it is about your FATHER. Believe me you will regret if you can't suck it up for a couple hours. YOU may be over it but it is not about YOU it is about your father. He is 80, how many more years do you think you have with him.

If he goes the day after the party will you be happy with your decision to exclude your brother & family?
Sorry but suck it up buttercup!

It is not about you - it's about him. Just avoid contact - if your house is big enough for a party then it is big enough to avoid your brother.

Oh and issues - the issues I had with my brother were I am betting way worse and now I can tolerate him because my FATHER asked me too.

 

[low-key]

make it happen for dear old dad

 

[Skellingtonj]

I agree with above poster it is not about you it is about your FATHER. Believe me you will regret if you can't suck it up for a couple hours. YOU may be over it but it is not about YOU it is about your father. He is 80, how many more years do you think you have with him.

If he goes the day after the party will you be happy with your decision to exclude your brother & family?
Sorry but suck it up buttercup!

It is not about you - it's about him. Just avoid contact - if your house is big enough for a party then it is big enough to avoid your brother.

Oh and issues - the issues I had with my brother were I am betting way worse and now I can tolerate him because my FATHER asked me too.

Plus one.

 

[LovesTimone]

I agree with above poster it is not about you it is about your FATHER. Believe me you will regret if you can't suck it up for a couple hours. YOU may be over it but it is not about YOU it is about your father. He is 80, how many more years do you think you have with him.

If he goes the day after the party will you be happy with your decision to exclude your brother & family?
Sorry but suck it up buttercup!

It is not about you - it's about him. Just avoid contact - if your house is big enough for a party then it is big enough to avoid your brother.

Oh and issues - the issues I had with my brother were I am betting way worse and now I can tolerate him because my FATHER asked me too.

OP Here,

I know it's not about me... lets be very clear on that, I have had to suck it up for years and years with him and his wife, and all the stuff that they have said and done and the added stress that they have put my parents through, and I did it for the sake of my parents...Trust me when I say if I thought it was about me or whatever, I would not have even bothered to post this.

I want to give my Dad his wish, and would love nothing but to make it happen.... But having some cooperation or communication on his side is needed.

While he is going to 80, he is good health overall, and is still very active... I pray that I have many more years with him, but only the good Lord above can answer that question.

I have reached out to my brother many times over the years to try to get along for our parents sake, but if someone will not answer your phone calls, text, or emails. I have sent birthday cards, that when my dad ask if they got them, he looks shocked, and says I don't know what your talking about, and ask's his wife did we get any mail, she just say I don't know, or I don't think so, or whatever excuse she can come up with.

I did not break contact with him, he did with me. The last time we spoke, He got mad that during the hurricane last year, that I had my parents come over to our home, as the hurricane was going to make a direct hit where they live, and it did. My dad sleeps with a cpap machine, and my mom has med's that need to kept in the refrigerator, and we have a generator. We were living in a townhouse, as we were between houses, as our home that we are in now was 4 months behind schedule, and my DD and SIL and sweet little Grandson was also staying with us during the hurricane. So you would think he would be relived that I was taking care of them and that they were not in the direct storms path. No... he got mad because he wanted to go over there with his family and pile up on my mom and dad, and have my parents take care of them... . He said I had them stay with me, just so him and his family could not go over there, I did it to hurt him and his family. This is just a narrow tiny glimpse of what goes on with them.

I'm sorry that you and your brother have problems, but stating that your situation is worse than mine is completely uncalled for. I would never presume to know or feel what someone has been through.

 

[LovesTimone]

I am so sorry that you and your brother have grown so far apart. I know it must be hard.

I do have to say though, if you don't include them because of your feelings, aren't you doing what you are accusing him of and making it all about you?

Perhaps I am misunderstanding your intentions.

My feelings aren't even in play here. I just want them to come to the party, and behave like adults for only a few hours... and give my Dad his wish without a bunch a drama or added stress for my parents... In order to do anything, I need him to answer the phone, texts, or email and/or some type of acknowledgement, some communication on his part. Which at this point is not happening. I called him 3 times on his birthday left messages, texts and emails and asked him to call me back... still no response.

 

[LovesTimone]

Is this a party with lots of people (friends, family, neighbors, former coworkers etc) or a small gathering of just family? I think that makes a difference. It's a lot easier to avoid someone when there are a 100 people vs 12.

around 15 or so.

 

[luvsJack]

My feelings aren't even in play here. I just want them to come to the party, and behave like adults for only a few hours... and give my Dad his wish without a bunch a drama or added stress for my parents... In order to do anything, I need him to answer the phone, texts, or email and/or some type of acknowledgement, some communication on his part. Which at this point is not happening. I called him 3 times on his birthday left messages, texts and emails and asked him to call me back... still no response.

Well you can’t make them respond so there is only so much you can do there.

I would push any thoughts away about how you want them to behave because honestly you have no control over that. But I would be ready to walk away from or ignore any behavior you don’t like.

Honestly I would send one long text and simply state what your dad wants and say something like “I am hopeful we can get together and plan this for him since we don’t know how many more chances we will get to do this for him”. Give it some time and if he doesn’t respond send an email and a follow up text and at that point leave the ball in his court. Don’t mention a truce or behavior or any of that. But maybe more as partnership in planning.

You mention them getting mad when you brought your parents to your home during the hurricane. Funnily enough my older brother got mad at me during Katrina. My Mom was in NOLA at the hospital with a friend. My sister’s husband went and got her and took her to Baton Rouge. My sister, her younger Dd and her family and her in laws all rode it out at her older dd’s We went with my in laws about an hour north to an aunt’s home. My brother lived in a trailer at the time. He has numerous friends with houses, his Dd lives out of the path plus my mom’s house (which is built like a fortress and had no damage nor does it ever) sat empty and he has a key! But he chose to get mad at me because I didn’t make sure he had a place to go. When he voiced his complaint I just stared at him, reminded him that he didn’t exactly call to check on us! Before or after the storm!

My sister told me later that he thought we all rode it out together and just didn’t include him. Maybe your brother felt that way too? Just a little left out?

 

[mom2rtk]

You can only control what you can control. You can't control how your brother will behave, but you can control whether you invite him and give him opportunities to participate. Don't exclude him in some sort of pre-emptive move because you think you know how he will react. Hopefully your dad will live a long time still, but it would be very short sighted to exclude someone hoping an 80 year old has many years left.

Someone commented above that you should consider how you would feel if you exclude your brother and you lose your dad the day after his birthday. I can't imagine you'd be happy with your decision.

 

[smiths02]

Why not have your dad invite him? Can your dad not tell him or write him what he told you that his biggest wish is to have everyone together?

 

[VandVsmama]

My random thoughts in no particular order based on what you've mentioned so far:

1. there's always 2 sides to every story and we don't know what your brother's point of view is.
2. That being said, based on what you've mentioned so far, it's pretty clear that your brother wants nothing to do with you.
3. SO if your dad really wants a family get-together with EVERYONE for his 80th birthday, then HE needs to be the one to call your brother and ask him to participate.
4. You should go ahead and plan the party at your house like you originally planned.
5. But do not expect him or his family to show up.
6. Past behavior is always a pretty good predictor of future behavior.
7. If there were more people present and if you were to have it at a neutral location, then Brother might show up for a little bit. But if it's at your house? Well, forget it. He's made it pretty clear so far that he can't stand you.
8. Don't make any promises to your dad about getting the whole family together.
9. If you did something dumb like promise him already, then you need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation w/your dad and tell him very plainly how estranged you & your brother are from each other right now. Tell him that you're happy to get together with all of them, but that Brother really won't even consider coming unless the invitation comes directly from your dad.

 

[smiths02]

My random thoughts in no particular order based on what you've mentioned so far:

1. there's always 2 sides to every story and we don't know what your brother's point of view is.
2. That being said, based on what you've mentioned so far, it's pretty clear that your brother wants nothing to do with you.
3. SO if your dad really wants a family get-together with EVERYONE for his 80th birthday, then HE needs to be the one to call your brother and ask him to participate.
4. You should go ahead and plan the party at your house like you originally planned.
5. But do not expect him or his family to show up.
6. Past behavior is always a pretty good predictor of future behavior.
7. If there were more people present and if you were to have it at a neutral location, then Brother might show up for a little bit. But if it's at your house? Well, forget it. He's made it pretty clear so far that he can't stand you.
8. Don't make any promises to your dad about getting the whole family together.
9. If you did something dumb like promise him already, then you need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation w/your dad and tell him very plainly how estranged you & your brother are from each other right now. Tell him that you're happy to get together with all of them, but that Brother really won't even consider coming unless the invitation comes directly from your dad.

Neutral place like a restaurant is a good idea.

 

[gotomu212]

My feelings aren't even in play here. I just want them to come to the party, and behave like adults for only a few hours... and give my Dad his wish without a bunch a drama or added stress for my parents... In order to do anything, I need him to answer the phone, texts, or email and/or some type of acknowledgement, some communication on his part. Which at this point is not happening. I called him 3 times on his birthday left messages, texts and emails and asked him to call me back... still no response.

I guess I don’t understand why you need her to communicate with him in order to send an invitation to a party. Don’t you just need to send date, time, location information for dad’s party in the mail/email/text/voicemail? It seems like you’re making this harder than it needs to be.

Just an aside I spend my birthdays out doing something special with husband and kids. Anyone that kept repeatedly calling me 3 times and leaving messages to call them back wouldn’t get a response either. I don’t really understand how you’re close enough to call him on his birthday but not close enough to invite him to your house for a few hours to celebrate his dad?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not sure why I might bother, but I will chime in again.

Timone, if you can not seem to get any response from your brother, then that is beyond your control.
Again, other people are responsible for their actions, you can not be responsible for others. You must be responsible for your own.

I will go out on a limb here and say that, based on your comments, it occurs to me that your brother's wife is instrumental in a lot of this. It would not be uncommon for one spouse to want to isolate their spouse from their family, so it is all about 'me and my family'. Have seen that before.
If this is true, then your brother is STILL RESPONSIBLE... But, this factor could make a big difference.
It could be that SIL would be very effective and making sure that all cards, emails, etc.. disappear.
I am actually wondering if this could be happening.

I agree that you simply do not have to be in personal communication with your brother to try to issue an invitation.

Does your brother even speak to or stay in any kind of contact with your dad???
If so, YOUR DAD is the one who should forward any invitation.
If this is the case, you should be very honest and just say to your Dad... I am not sure I can get in touch with 'brother'.... I hope you can forward this invitation to him.

If you would want to make it possible for your brother to attend this party, then the very first thing you should do is make sure it is NOT at your home, but at a completely neutral and objective location. Restaurant, rented room/hall, public area...

The thing that you shoudn't do is to make this type of decision on your own.

I do think I am seeing a lot of 'i', 'i', 'i', here. The title says "I can't make it happen..."
It is not up to you. Either it happens or not.
In your position, what 'I' would do, as suggested, is to just put the info and invitation out there, and realize that 'I' am not in control.

While I am not going to jump to conclusions and flame you or judge you for the fact that you do not feel that you can even contact, much less invite, your brother and expect him to attend. I will say this...... I do think that there are a lot of issues and personal feelings at play here. Maybe more than you realize. Perhaps you feel disrespected and slighted that it is you who are 'the good one', and the brother whom your father, wants to see.

If this is true, at all... You have to let that go.
Your father is an elderly man.
He is from a time/generation where things like blood family mean a lot, maybe too much.
But, in his elderly mind, no matter how your brother has behaved and treated others, this is what your Dad wants.
You have to suck in a few deep breaths, and not take that personally.
Again, suck in a few deep breaths... do not take it personally.
Just plan the event.