Cutting?

[AmandaSparks730]

I learned something very serious and dark about my best friend today.

See, she's had quite a bit of a troubled past (father that abused them, then left them, sister died, mom getting re-married, mom and stepdad being physical with her and her brothers, grandfather whom she was very close to dying, etc).

Today, she was trying to vent to me and a mutual friend of ours. She's not too comfortable with talking about her feelings, so this was hard for her. She said, "I've been cutting myself since the fifth grade".

This came as quite a shock to me. Seeing a cut on her arm during soccer season isn't much of a deal for me (or at least, it wasn't) because she's goalie/forward, so she's always getting knocked around.

But now, I'm worried. We've known each other since 7th grade (so this has been going on for two years prior to our meeting), and I just found out TODAY, 4 years later.

She said, "it's like...watching the blood run down my arm...it's like all my pain and sorrow washes away with it".

I really don't know what to do, or how to help her, or even what to say to her now...

 

[princesskelz]

i have cut before. but that was like 3 years ago. it was a hard time i went through but i got help.
i think you should help your friend. trying to make her laugh. and encourage her. if she needs to talk to you talk to her. invite her over to your house, go shopping with her, go to the movies with her.

do things that make her feel good.

 

[crazytp93]

Refer her to the school psychologist.


She may hate you for a while, but it will pay off for her..

 

[wilmabride'sdaughter]

I agree with Kelsey, try to make her feel good.
And also with Tom, refer her to ha psychologist.
To be honest they are the only things that can be done.
If you start forcing things upon her, it my get too much for her.

I have three friends that self harm. At one time i was SO scared for one of them. They don't live near me so i was always scared if i didn't hear from him for a long time. But i learnt that if you just give encouragement to them (not about the cutting, but about themselves generally) it helps, always.

 

[3mtn-kate]

I used to cut...it got pretty bad too and when my friends found out then told my parents.

but my parents didn't believe them so they forced me to show them the scars and tell them. it was deff the hardest thing i've ever done and i would never go back to that me, she was quite the monster.

but i've since gotten help and it really has helped a lot, i mean if she wants help she will get help. and it gets really bad you should tell, it will end up being the best thing for her in the long run. although she may not appreciate it now

 

[3mtn-kate]

oh and try not to treat her any differently than u did before you found out. don't tread lightly around problems or anything get it out in the open...

 

[Axel]

First, make sure that you know there's a difference between being suicidal and self-harming. I've been both. I still self-harm on occasion when it gets really bad for me.

Second, be there for her. It helps. A lot. Most of my friends know that I've harmed myself in the past and will probably do it again, but I've been cut-free for...a little over a month now (and I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me) because they stopped avoiding the subject around me.

**SMALL, unrelated rant: I HATE it when one of my friends who doesn't know about my past starts going on about people who cut themselves are dumb and should go die anyway. END, unrelated rant**

Be there for her. Go to the movies. Hug her. Smile with her. My friends have gotten to understand that sometimes, I just need to touch. It helps that they are that understanding. Just don't treat her like she's less than you (and, I know that you wouldn't probably ever do that, I'm just sayin').

 

[chisnpeke]

I would tell someone who can help her. She clearly needs the help of a professional.

Sunday night my brother's friend said my brother is cutting himself. I told my mom and she went and talked to him and he showed her one arm but not the other and laughed. She said "he's not cutting himself" I told her then why wouldn't he show the other arm. I saw his arm yesterday and it looked like there were marks that *could* have been drawn on but then on Monday he came upstairs with a tshirt and I don't think he would if he was. He also has ferrets that scratch him.

It's so scary because my brother is in therapy for major depression. He's been saying since like August that he should "just go hang himself". He also has asperger's syndrome, which is a high functioning form of autism. As a result of that a lot of the things he does is for attention and he acts immature at times. We don't know if he's just saying it for attention or not...he thinks it's funny. It's really heartbreaking to deal with. Sorry this turned into a vent.

I guess I'm just wondering why do people harm themselves? Does it really help relieve emotional pain?

 

[Mandy91]

First of all, her telling you is a very good sign, that means that she trusts you a lot!
I think really understanding her is one of the most important things. Self harm is still a very "taboo" subject. Know where she's coming from and that it's her way of coping. If you try to understand her and let her know that you are always there for her it really helps because it gives her someone that she knows she can talk to about it without being judged. That's very important to someone who self harms because they often feel like they have no one to turn to.
Tell her that you love her, no matter what. It's not uncommon for a self harmer to be ashamed of what they do, so let her know she doesn't have to be.
Don't ignore it. Ignoring it will only make her think you don't care, even though you do.
Don't force her to stop. Forcing her will only make her feel pressured to do something she might not be ready to do yet. If she's open to some healthy alternatives, you can suggest some like writing, drawing, making a list of her good qualities and accomplishments, singing, dancing. Anything that will allow her to let her feelings out without self harming.
Let her know she's a good person. People that self harm often hear that it's "dirty" and that only "weird" people do it, when in reality they're normal people. They just deal with their problems differently.
Treat her as you normally would, she's still the same person, your best friend whether she self harms or not.
If she's open to hugs, give lots of them. =)

 

[AmandaSparks730]

Thanks, guys

Oh geez, last time I turned in a friend to a physchologist, we became mortal enemies. And we had been very, very close prior to this. We don't even speak anymore.

But I do get that she needs help.

We hug all the time, don't worry! She knows that I'm here for her, too. She's a musician (well, band geek, clarinet) and, as I said, a soccer player. I know music is one of her biggest ways to vent.

But really, guys, thanks for all the help. It just came as such a shock to our mutual friend and I.

 

[Axel]

I would tell someone who can help her. She clearly needs the help of a professional.

Sunday night my brother's friend said my brother is cutting himself. I told my mom and she went and talked to him and he showed her one arm but not the other and laughed. She said "he's not cutting himself" I told her then why wouldn't he show the other arm. I saw his arm yesterday and it looked like there were marks that *could* have been drawn on but then on Monday he came upstairs with a tshirt and I don't think he would if he was. He also has ferrets that scratch him.

It's so scary because my brother is in therapy for major depression. He's been saying since like August that he should "just go hang himself". He also has asperger's syndrome, which is a high functioning form of autism. As a result of that a lot of the things he does is for attention and he acts immature at times. We don't know if he's just saying it for attention or not...he thinks it's funny. It's really heartbreaking to deal with. Sorry this turned into a vent.

I guess I'm just wondering why do people harm themselves? Does it really help relieve emotional pain?

For me, it's a grounding point. I can get so worked up adn feel like I'm worthless and that drives me to self harm. But after that, I'm much more relaxed. The physical pain takes the place of the emotional pain long enough for me to rationalize everything in my head. I don't know how to explain it...it just helps.