Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[Swan4Me]

Would you not do something your loved one wanted, to cut cost?


MY MIL has written notes for 20 years about the precise things she wants for her funeral. There is little $$ left-so some costs will be taken by us and his sis.
Basically, everyone in her generation has died off, and she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church. Moree and more we see prople having the service at the very nice Chapel at the funeral home.
Noone in our family practices the Catholic Faith, except Sis(not her DH or her kids or spouces) -so there will be noone to read scripture-or bring gifts to altar or even take Communion


So would we be wrong to have a smaller service in the Funeral Home Chapel?

 

[CdnCarrie]

If the sister is practicing and it's her mother I would totally let her call that one. That could be something that is huge and a dealbreaker for her.

 

[crisi]

You can ask the priest to do a funeral Mass at the funeral home. Or you see if the priest will do a big mass for her at church without the remains and bury the remains out of the funeral home. The mass isn't going to be the expense, the expense is going to be in additional transport of the body and the funeral home time. Talk to her priest and the funeral home about how you can both respect her wishes and not spend a bunch of money that no one has to spend.

 

[babyrich]

Would you not do something your loved one wanted, to cut cost?


MY MIL has written notes for 20 years about the precise things she wants for her funeral. There is little $$ left-so some costs will be taken by us and his sis.
Basically, everyone in her generation has died off, and she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church. Moree and more we see prople having the service at the very nice Chapel at the funeral home.
Noone in our family practices the Catholic Faith, except Sis(not her DH or her kids or spouces) -so there will be noone to read scripture-or bring gifts to altar or even take Communion


So would we be wrong to have a smaller service in the Funeral Home Chapel?

I could see trying to cut costs in other ways; but as a Catholic, I would definately want my funeral mass in the church. This is about the deceased and not whether or not the rest of the family practices the same faith. The priest can handle the readings, the alter servers or Eucharistic ministers can bring gifts to the altar, and you never know, maybe her friends will take Communion. Even if nobody takes Communion, that shouldnt be a reason not to have the mass in church.

 

[disneychic2]

I think what happens at the funeral is not as important as how the person lived their life. The reality of your situation is that it is expense you and your DSIL cannot afford. If that is the case, there isn't really much you can do about it. Don't feel guilty over it. Maybe the pp was correct in that the priest could work with the funeral home to make something meaningful happen. If your SIL is okay with that, then I say go for that. And I'm very sorry about your loss.

 

[MrsPete]

Tough question!

Personally, I can't think of a single thing I've "always wanted" for my funeral. I just hope to be a very old corpse surrounded by loving family.

Having said that, as I think of the funerals I've attended in the last ten years or so, about half are at a funeral home and about half are in churches. The ones in churches have been considerably nicer. Even when it's not my church, it feels more "at home" than a funeral home. In a church, people tend to put out a display of photographs, and there's usually a lunch at the church.

Anyway . . . it must've mattered to this woman. I assume, however, that when she imagined this nice funeral, she didn't consider that she'd have outlived all of her friends and that her estate might not cover the costs.

Here's the key question: What was at the root of her desire? Did she want it to be a time for family to gather, or did she want the religious ceremony, or did it matter to her that people gather specifically in her church? Can you focus on her main goal and let go some of the songs, programs, flowers? Try to do what she really wanted . . . within your budget, which will mean letting go of the "extras". Not being Catholic, I may be suggesting something that's not possible.

Last minute thought: Does the Catholic church charge to hold a funeral ceremony? Our church doesn't.

 

[goofystitchfan]

My mom passed away suddenly a week ago Friday. Though my beliefs were not the same as hers (she was a practicing catholic) we did do the mass as that is what she would have wanted. In the scheme of things, the cost was not all that much. Even though we aren't churchgoers, we did pick people who would want to do the readings, gifts etc as my mom meant alot to them. Even though we weren't really needing to "cut costs" we didn't have a lot of flowers, the spray for the casket was paid for by all the children, an arrangement from all the grandchildren and one from the great grandchildren. I certainly know that this is a difficult time and my sympathies to your family.

 

[MrsPete]

You can ask the priest to do a funeral Mass at the funeral home. Or you see if the priest will do a big mass for her at church without the remains and bury the remains out of the funeral home. The mass isn't going to be the expense, the expense is going to be in additional transport of the body and the funeral home time. Talk to her priest and the funeral home about how you can both respect her wishes and not spend a bunch of money that no one has to spend.

Asking the priest for advice would be a good first stop. Plenty of people find themselves "short" when faced with the cost of a funeral, and I'm certain he's dealt with this before. He may have suggestions about how to hold the ceremony . . . on a smaller scale.

No one's mentioned the coffin. That, in my opinion, is a place to skimp. I wouldn't want to spend big bucks on something that'll be viewed once, then hidden from view forever. I'd pick the one that's one step above a pine box.

 

[kathie859]

A mass doesn't add expense necessarily. You can have the visitation in the church prior to the mass OR have Mother cremated and have a memorial mass with/or without her ashes present or have no visitation and just have a memorial mass after she's buried.

There's lots of ways within the Catholic faith to have a "proper" burial and remain mindful of the costs.

Good luck, OP. we dealt with this when my DM passed; luckily, however, most of her last wishes were not difficult to follow.

 

[chimilady]

I could see trying to cut costs in other ways; but as a Catholic, I would definately want my funeral mass in the church. This is about the deceased and not whether or not the rest of the family practices the same faith. The priest can handle the readings, the alter servers or Eucharistic ministers can bring gifts to the altar, and you never know, maybe her friends will take Communion. Even if nobody takes Communion, that shouldnt be a reason not to have the mass in church.

See, I disagree, I don't think funerals are for the deceased. Funerals are for the living to cope with their loss. However, that being said, I would try having a mass at church for her if it is important to the daughter. If it really was important to the woman, she would have paid for it and set aside not to burden her children.

 

[tzolkin]

Perhaps I'm completely missing something, but how is having the funeral at a funeral parlor cheaper than at church?

(ETA: Oops, I just saw crisi's post about transportation to/from the funeral home to the church.)

I would assume that you have to pay a fee to use the space at the funeral home for a service and I thought the church was not allowed to charge. Also, members of our Catholic church provide a reception (full lunch, desserts, etc) free of charge. Of course that's not often the case, but since you don't attend the church it wouldn't hurt to find out what they offer.


That said, I would definitely look for ways to save money. Personally, I think funerals are often full of unnecessary expenses. As MrsPete mentioned, the coffin-- even aside from the cost, it always seems so wasteful to me to bury all that metal, fiberglass, etc.


My parents have been dealing with this issue of honoring my grandfather's wishes when he dies. He is very verbal that he wants to be buried in FL (where he purchased a place), but he lives 9 months a year with my parents in NY. He simply refuses to grasp the concept that if he dies here the expenses to have him transported to FL and then pay a second funeral home are likely more than they can afford (they are currently supporting both my grandparents) and none of us live in FL anyway.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Sorry for your loss.

Agree to talk with the church where she was a member. (In my experience, you're usually talking with the office manager/secretary vs the priest, at least inititally- if that is a concern of yours at all.)

The church I work at, anyway, (not Catholic) does not charge anything for funerals for members (or active attendees, who may have not officially joined for whatever reason.) Similarly, there is a group of women who will bring food/host a reception in the parish hall after. (Sometimes the family will offer to chip in money for that, though not required or expected in our case.)

I think if you aren't moving the remains, I don't think it would be any more expnsive- and perhaps less expensive- than funeral home. (To be blunt, the funeral home is there to make money and in my experience tries to "sell" the family on alot of what they don't want but feel guilted to do.) If agreeable to all, you could substitute a large photo of you MIL at the front of the church instead of the casket to save transport fees.

 

[budafam]

When my mom passed away we had her mass in a Catholic church even though we had a hard time finding anyone who was willing to read (I ended up doing it) or bring up gifts. The cost was merely a donation.. whatever we could afford I believe. Even if people are not practicing the religion, most are familiar with it due to attending other funerals/weddings/etc. I would probably follow her wishes unless it costs a lot more. Then maybe not. Unfortunately money does matter

 

[hannahdrewmom]

There are many ways to cut back on cost but I would not change the mass. I am a former catholic.

In the catholic church there are 7 sacraments, one of which is the burial mass. There are certain things that are done during the mass that are symbolic and very reverant to those who are catholic. It refers all the way back to her baptism as an infant. If your mother was catholic her whole life this is one of the things that her faith gave to her and she was looking forward to as a part of her final journey. (looking forward to might be the wrong word.) With that said, you don't have to rent a church or pay for the space. Having the actual mass isn't going to cost much other than the body transportation. I'd look at renting a casket or finding some other way to cut back on flowers or such to make up for it. But I would not change the religous affiliation of the church as a way to cut cost.

Sorry for your loss. I know that funerals have a lot of stress to begin with, let alone when money is involved.

 

[Sadie22]

To save money, two Catholic families I know recently had loved ones cremated. Normally there's a body present for a Catholic funeral, but for these the cremated remains were present.

The mass is not a large expense. Largest expenses would be burial plot, casket, and embalming. After that comes transportation and services of the funeral director and staff. Whether or not there is a separate viewing the day before is another factor.

In my opinion it would be wrong to deny a practicing Catholic a funeral mass following her death. Viewing can be held at the church just prior to the funeral rather than having anything at a funeral home, and this will save some money.

Another expense can be for a meal following the funeral.

 

[Deesknee]

I could see trying to cut costs in other ways; but as a Catholic, I would definately want my funeral mass in the church. This is about the deceased and not whether or not the rest of the family practices the same faith. The priest can handle the readings, the alter servers or Eucharistic ministers can bring gifts to the altar, and you never know, maybe her friends will take Communion. Even if nobody takes Communion, that shouldnt be a reason not to have the mass in church.

I agree with this.

I was not raised Catholic, I converted later in my life. When my Mom passed we had the service in the funeral home, semi private, with no minister/priest or any other Official religious person. I have not doubt she is in heaven. Prayers were said by people who knew her loved her & love Jesus. That being said, as a Catholic, I would follow her wishes. A religious service at the end of ones life may be a belief of the departed that they will enter heaven or not. Whether you believe that or not, really isn't the issue. I would cut costs in other ways. Flowers, prayer cards, the casket, even so far as the obituary, (which we recently found out is hundreds of dollars), but I would not cut the religious part of it.

As far as the pp who mentioned that if she wanted a particular funeral she should have left the funds to provide it. Most elderly don't have any idea of the inflation of ice cream cones, let alone funerals. Perhaps she buried someone years ago, added a couple thousand for inflation, and figured she had it covered. Perhaps she made arrangements years before, maybe even paid for it, but the costs have gone up far more than she anticipated.

To the OP, sorry for your loss. And I hope whatever you decide all of you left behind are at peace with it and your grief is minimal. Bless you all.

 

[budafam]

When my mom passed away we had her mass in a Catholic church even though we had a hard time finding anyone who was willing to read (I ended up doing it) or bring up gifts. The cost was merely a donation.. whatever we could afford I believe. Even if people are not practicing the religion, most are familiar with it due to attending other funerals/weddings/etc. I would probably follow her wishes unless it costs a lot more. Then maybe not. Unfortunately money does matter

 

[girli565]

I'm so sorry fo ryour loss.

I understand cost cutting but I don't think the mass is where you should do it. usually the mass fee is seen as a "donation" so really if you speak with the priest I don't see how he's expect a huge one. It's what you can give. Now, if no one offers to read, give gifts, or receive communion, just let the priest know and he'll handle it. If what she requested was a mass, and she was a practicing catholic, it was probably very important to her.

There are several ways to cut costs, use a simple casket, only get a casket spray, nothing else is needed. Have the viewing right before the mass, and make sure people know that the mass will be the only place they can pay their last respects because there won't be an additional viewing. If transportation is the issue because it can be costly to transport the body, then have the mass done as a dedication mass and the body does not have to be present. I've been to several of those.

 

[AntePrincess]

No one's mentioned the coffin. That, in my opinion, is a place to skimp. I wouldn't want to spend big bucks on something that'll be viewed once, then hidden from view forever. I'd pick the one that's one step above a pine box.

I think that's an excellent idea, and since this woman was Catholic, I'd suggest Trappist Caskets (http://www.trappistcaskets.com/). They're a group of Trappist monks who build coffins to support their holy orders and contribute to charity (part of their rule of life is to support themselves, not living off of charity). The coffins are very nice, start at $1,000 (which is so much less than a funeral home coffin), they have many in stock, and if I recall correctly they will say a mass for the dead automatically if they receive an order for a coffin.

As to the OP's question, there's no way I would skip the mass or religious service for a loved one if that's what they wanted. The mass itself is not the cost, it's all in the transportation and the funeral home services.

 

[ilovemk76]

Would you not do something your loved one wanted, to cut cost?


MY MIL has written notes for 20 years about the precise things she wants for her funeral. There is little $$ left-so some costs will be taken by us and his sis.
Basically, everyone in her generation has died off, and she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church. Moree and more we see prople having the service at the very nice Chapel at the funeral home.
Noone in our family practices the Catholic Faith, except Sis(not her DH or her kids or spouces) -so there will be noone to read scripture-or bring gifts to altar or even take Communion


So would we be wrong to have a smaller service in the Funeral Home Chapel?

Yes, it would be wrong. The Catholic Mass is not for you but for your MIL.