Cultural Differences

[honeywolf7]

Okay, so I posted a thread the other day confessing that I have started to date my best friend. He happens to be African-American and I am finding that there are a lot of cultural differences between us (we listen to different music, we use different slang, etc.) I am dealing this by trying to learn as much about his culture as possible (listening to music that he would listen to, asking him to make me a CD with some of his favorite songs on it, etc.) So, here's my question.....how did/do those of you who date or have dated someone from a very different culture deal with these differences?

 

[EROS]

I dated a black woman, who was a surgeon, years ago in Boston. Sure, we had some cultural differences, but I had also dated white women who came from vastly different backgrounds as well. Anyway, the issue for the two of us was NOT about our different life experiences; it was everything about how OTHERS related to us. Boston still is a VERY racist city. Some think of it as the Athens of America because of our many educational institutions here; however, the racism is almost institutionalized in many parts of the city. One seldom sees ANY African-American faces at Fenway Park .

If you proceed down a path of inter-racial dating, you're bound to meet with some flak from bigoted, ignorant people..............from BOTH races ............Just tell them to take a looooooooooooooong walk off a short pier ........

 

[alabamaalan]

Well, first of all, you need to know that we don't allow that sort of thing around here. (It's a joke people, lighten up!)

My advice is treat him as a person, not a different culture. Just enjoy him for himself and don't worry about what aspects of his personality are "his" versus those of his "culture"

Do like you would with anyone else you date. For instance, you like country apparantly - what if you were dating someone of your own culture/race who liked rap, urban, or muzak? Don't treat this situation any differently.

If you are best friends you should have similarities anyway, I assume. Most of the differences could be fun to learn, and some will no doubt be obstacles.

Now NASCAR and opera probably won't mix...

 

[honeywolf7]

Eros, yeah....I know all about bigoted, small-minded people. My dad and Roger's mom will both have a fit when they find out about us. Alabamaalan, I'd never thought of it that way before....we definitely have similarities (strong interest in football, same food likes/dislikes, etc.) so I should probably focus more on them than on our differences.

 

[Kermit]

I find that the best approach when you come across something you're unfamiliar with culturally is to just be open and ask questions. People like to talk about their customs and traditions, so feel free to ask. You shouldn't feel like you have to wait until you and he are alone to ask questions. If you're with his family or a group of friends who share his background, you should be able to ask them. I guess there are some people who may take it the wrong way, but those people would probably be prejudiced against you anyway. Most people will enjoy the fact that you're asking and see it as a sign that you're an open-minded person who wants to learn something new.

 

[honeywolf7]

Alabamaalan, well if I cared about the person enough I'd try to cultivate an interest in their interests which is what I'm doing. I ask a lot of questions like Kermit suggested. To be honest, when he and I were first just friends I didn't listen to rap at all because I really had no exposure to it. By the time we started dating, I would listen to a little bit. Now, I listen to whatever he listens to and I have never asked him to listen to my music (which is what I would normally do in a relationship)....I may try getting him to listen to country the next time we are together in his car.

 

[Robinrs]

Just be YOU.

I've dated every culture and nationality there is (my Mom said I've dated everything but a monk, then I dated a FORMER monk!) and found that the differences exist but the most important thing is the SAMEness. How you feel about family, friends, religion, morals, attitudes... those things mean more than anything.

I agree with Amy, ask questions but don't change your lifestyle or turn this into a study of sorts.

And YES, you will find the opposing sorts, I once had a guy cuss me out in the street calling me SISTAH?????? My own family was not that "accepting", either. These things affect some people more than others, and whether or not it's worth it to you depends on YOU.

 

[honeywolf7]

Robin, thank you...I think this is exactly what I needed to read. I tend to overanalyze everything and maybe that's what I was doing here.

 

[shortbun]

Well I think I'll be the "devils advocate" here.
You said this man was your "best friend" and
you've started dating. I would think these
"cultural" differences would have come up before
now, eh? Could be dating versus being friends
is giving you pause. Last-when dating, no one
should give up being themselves for the other
person. Compromise is good but be careful not
to become your SO and that they retain what is
unique to them. So far, you've only given up your
favorite music-make sure it goes no farther than
that.

 

[DocRafiki]

I too was wondering how you're not familiar with your best friend's slang and music tastes. Music is such a big influence on me, it's actually the BASIS of most of my friendships.

 

[adamak]

I married a white guy and I'm Asian. And yes, there will always be cultural diffrences. However, I never see that as my obstacles. I actually have more problems with his men behaviors (you know, watching football, leaving dirty clothes all over places...etc).

I think the trick is to not pay attention to those little things. Yes, so what if you listen to different musics and have different habits. Me and my Dh spoke different languages! Do not let yourself become a 'tour guide' of your own culture. You stay true to yourself, and s/he does the same thing. I believe if your date truly wants to understand you, s/he will go find out about your culture themselves.

If your date is the right person, everything else doesn't matter.