Could use advice from some moms...

[HeatherC]

Maybe you should just call her next month and tell her that you just found out you are pregnant with triplets and then hang up!!!

Seriously...sorry you have to deal with this. I would just quietly back away from the woman and have less and less contact with her. Like my dh says...."you can choose to engage or choose not to engage". In this instance, I don't think it's worth your effort trying to engage and win her over.

Best of luck to you and your dh.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

In the first place, you are not bipolar. You have been diagnosed with an illness, bipolar. How you refer to yourself does make a difference.

I can't imagine why a parent wouldn't be supportive of an adult child who was choosing to embark upon a career that entails going for further education! That he would like to be an attorney instead of an actor seems like a pretty good decision to me! Not that being an actor isn't a good thing, mind.

So, you have someone in your life, who produced the man you love, but who is not the person you need her to be now.

You know you can't change how she is, yes? You can change your response to her, and it seems your husband is headed down that road. Go along, he really does know what is best for himself in this regard.

Take care now and don't worry overmuch about this. As harsh as that may seem, she's making her own choices and there really is little for you to do about it other than protect yourself and your husband from her harshness.

 

[luvsJack]

No one has to take that kind of abuse from anyone regardless of who they are.

Whether or not you have children is none of her business. Whether your dh goes to law school is none of her business. None of this is her choice, it is yours and your husbands.

You can choose not to be around this woman and just tell your dh that you do not want to subject yourself to her verbal abuse. He can make his own choice about being around his mother, which it sounds like he is close to making that choice.

The only thing I think he should do is to sit down and tell her why you make the choice not to be around her and why he is making that choice. She needs to know that it is her actions that cause this and not you (because she will want to blame you). Also, that puts the ball back in her court. Either she can stay the way she is and lose her son and dil and future grandchildren or she can choose to keep her opinion to herself and possibly get the two of you back. Just don't go back until she reaches out and makes a change.

I hope and pray that you understand that the problem is your mil's, none of the things she says or the way she feels is your fault. Don't ever let her convince you of that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, I said I would have been out the door if my MIL said something like that however I did not say how I would have handled it.

I would have told MIL that her hurtful comments toward me are unacceptable and I would have said that I want an apology and she needs to stop the insults or I am going to leave.

Now you have put the controller on notice and they have to suck it up to you. If they go crazy and refuse to apologize because it is there home and all that jazz, you leave.

However now they are "on notice" that you expect an apology. See how long it takes them or if they are willingly to change.

This action gives you a clearer picture of the situation.

For example, I was visiting my MIL weekly with my dd when she was little. Now my MIL was psychotic, off her meds (she is schizophrenic). So no small feat to deal with that, but it was doable and I was keeping an eye on her.

One day she smacked dd across the face. My dd was rambuctious and MIL had "stuff" all over the house that she was getting into. It was a difficult thing to monitor in her home.

I went home and then MIL called when I got there. I can't remember everything since this was 16yrs ago. She said she expected xyz, in her home and I told her that her xyz was probably not going to happen, so I was ending our visits.

Today my MIL is medicated and doing well & dd is 18. I have a lot of hindsight.

You don't have to go ballistic on your MIL however you can lay out your expectations in a "calm, assertive manner" (ala Cesar Milan). As much as I hate to say it, Dr. Phil with his "you teach people how to treat you" is very true.

 

[PipesofLirael]

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Guess I just was scared to cut contact. We've let them know we won't be seeing them when they visit NYC until she apologizes, and DH has told her that without an apology for how she treated us at Thanksgiving. I hope that changes things. Thanks everyone!!

 

[Tiger926]

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Guess I just was scared to cut contact. We've let them know we won't be seeing them when they visit NYC until she apologizes, and DH has told her that without an apology for how she treated us at Thanksgiving. I hope that changes things. Thanks everyone!!

Best of luck! I'm just wondering what if it's a forced apology? How will you handle it? I'm not sure, based on your description of your mil, that she is capable of empathy or compassion. If she were, she wouldn't have spoken that way in the first place.

I hope this situation is rectified to your satisfaction - you are what is most important here.

Thanks for the update, Tiger

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Guess I just was scared to cut contact. We've let them know we won't be seeing them when they visit NYC until she apologizes, and DH has told her that without an apology for how she treated us at Thanksgiving. I hope that changes things. Thanks everyone!!

Good.

 

[luvmy3]

I would stay as far away from her as possible, and it wouldn't bother me one bit if my dh wanted nothing to do with his mother if she was like that. Just ask yourself this, if in the future you and your dh do have children, would you want them to be around a Grandmother who says such awful things?

 

[PipesofLirael]

Best of luck! I'm just wondering what if it's a forced apology? How will you handle it? I'm not sure, based on your description of your mil, that she is capable of empathy or compassion. If she were, she wouldn't have spoken that way in the first place.

I hope this situation is rectified to your satisfaction - you are what is most important here.

Thanks for the update, Tiger

We're both pretty sure it would be a forced apology, too. We're willing to see them for a night if they apologize, but either way we won't be staying with them. I figure if we find situations we can run from in case she goes nuts again, at least we look like the good guys w/ the rest of the family b/c we gave them another chance, but we're still safe to get out when necessary.

 

[RNMOM]

Some people just should not be parents. Your MIL sounds like one of them.

I have a mother who is very hurtful and damaged all her children. I chose to break off all ties. It has been since I was 21 that I have spent much time with her. I have encountered her a few times at weddings and such but she continues to be hurtful to both me and now my children.

After a lot of counseling where I was reassured that I was not wrong to feel as I do, I have learned to become a loving and supportive mother.

LImit your time with her as much as possible. I would never again stay in her home. If you must visit, do so for a few hours at a time only. Stay in a hotel, go back home but just keep some distance. Good luck. She is very unlikely to change so you must be the one to change the situation.