Could use advice from some moms...

[PipesofLirael]

I've seen a lot of mothers on here, so I really want to get a mom's perspective on why my MIL is acting like this. She's never fully liked me, but I tried so shut up around her when I could. Then we got married and **** really hit the fan and now I just don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where my DH doesn't want to speak to his mother anymore.

Background information: I probably can't have kids. My MIL knows this. She knows my mom almost didn't have me, that it runs in the family, blah blah blah. She knows how much my DH and I want a family and how much it hurts me that I may never be able to have my own children, not only for myself but b/c I'm the end of my family line.

It started when DH decided to go to law school instead of continuing as an actor. He wants to support his family. That's something to be proud of, right? Nope. She says it's stupid to support me b/c I'm not family, I'm his wife, and we never should have kids anyway cuz my kids will always have problems and be ****ed up (I'm bipolar, that's where that part came from). When we went for Thanksgiving, it was three days of being screamed at to never have children. I told her we weren't having kids while DH was in school but when eh got out, we wanted to try. She said wait until 30. I said my doctor says that could kill me. She said "good, then no kids!" as if she was super excited about this. She's even repeatedly said kids destroy a marriage IN FRONT OF HER SON.

Why would a mother act like this? Is this just against me or is this also resentment against her son/my DH? Is this something that will mellow or should we cut and run? I just need words here. :-(.

 

[kristilew]

MILs can either be awesome of awful. Can/will your DH talk to her? If not, I'd say you are totally justified in avoiding any future 3 day visits. Go for rare, short, and walk out the minute she starts being disrespectful.

As for your hubby's career change, my DH is a lawyer. He acts every day!

 

[shortbun]

Sounds like she's a bit bi-polar too and could use some medical assistance. She's a mean wench and I don't blame her son for wanting to cut her off. Don't visit her again, she doesn't deserve it. I would not subject myself to that kind of abuse on purpose. Btw, I'm a Mom and I didn't give birth. I love my kid so much it hurts, , he's the light of my life. If you want to be a Mom, it's possible.

 

[Bluestars]

My only advice would be to stay away from such a toxic person. Honestly though, if my MIL acted this way I would not visit her again any time soon. Her treatment of you sounds abusive.

I'm sorry.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My MIL doesn't like me, either.

You don't need to hear all that crap. If she starts up again, ask her why she's being so rude. If that doesn't shut her up, walk away. Leave if you have to.

 

[Allison]

Neither of you deserve that kind of verbal abuse. I don't think there is anything you can do to make it better. It has to come from her and it probably won't. I think your husband is right not to speak to her.

 

[freckles and boo]

Your husband has been dealing with her much longer than you have. If he doesn't want to talk to her or be around her I would suggest you follow his lead. You can't change her.

 

[PipesofLirael]

My DH always defends me in front of his mom, so I've got his side on things. But they've been fighting a lot lately since she has been making pretty mean remarks about his cousin, too, b/c she's getting married. She's gay, so she keeps saying that person is messed up and no one will be going to that sham and all that. Your opinion is fine, but sheesh, there's ways of saying things.

I assumed that, if my DH gave up, I probably should, too. I just wish he didn't have to. And I guess part of me is just wondering WHY a person could be so hateful. Her son is the most amazing person I've ever met and her only child. I don't get it.

 

[horseshowmom]

If the facts are as you stated them, I wouldn't go back. Life's too short to allow yourself to be abused (and this is definitely abusive).

If for any reason I decided to see her again, (as another poster said) it would be a short visit, and I would leave when she started anything unpleasant.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've seen a lot of mothers on here, so I really want to get a mom's perspective on why my MIL is acting like this. She's never fully liked me, but I tried so shut up around her when I could. Then we got married and **** really hit the fan and now I just don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where my DH doesn't want to speak to his mother anymore.

Background information: I probably can't have kids. My MIL knows this. She knows my mom almost didn't have me, that it runs in the family, blah blah blah. She knows how much my DH and I want a family and how much it hurts me that I may never be able to have my own children, not only for myself but b/c I'm the end of my family line.

It started when DH decided to go to law school instead of continuing as an actor. He wants to support his family. That's something to be proud of, right? Nope. She says it's stupid to support me b/c I'm not family, I'm his wife, and we never should have kids anyway cuz my kids will always have problems and be ****ed up (I'm bipolar, that's where that part came from). When we went for Thanksgiving, it was three days of being screamed at to never have children. I told her we weren't having kids while DH was in school but when eh got out, we wanted to try. She said wait until 30. I said my doctor says that could kill me. She said "good, then no kids!" as if she was super excited about this. She's even repeatedly said kids destroy a marriage IN FRONT OF HER SON.

Why would a mother act like this? Is this just against me or is this also resentment against her son/my DH? Is this something that will mellow or should we cut and run? I just need words here. :-(.

My DH always defends me in front of his mom, so I've got his side on things. But they've been fighting a lot lately since she has been making pretty mean remarks about his cousin, too, b/c she's getting married. She's gay, so she keeps saying that person is messed up and no one will be going to that sham and all that. Your opinion is fine, but sheesh, there's ways of saying things.

I assumed that, if my DH gave up, I probably should, too. I just wish he didn't have to. And I guess part of me is just wondering WHY a person could be so hateful. Her son is the most amazing person I've ever met and her only child. I don't get it.

Here is the thing, people are who they are. You are who you are.

For example, I could not tolerate being in someone's presence who said the things your MIL said. As soon as she said that my kids were going to be "messed up", I would have been out the door.

So I am going to say to you, why would you want to tolerate this in your life? Now you might say it is because it is your dh's mother, right?

If your MIL was physically assaulting you with a belt, would you sit there and get beaten? Of course not. You do not have to sit there for a verbal assault either.

Live in reality and not what you wish for as reality and then "make it work". So sorry about your situation. Maybe it will get better later or maybe not. Either way, let it go and move forward.

 

[quentina]

Tell Mom, I said Hi

The one think I try to remember is yes, she is a jerk....but she's his jerk. I try not to come between them. As time goes on, she digs herself a digger ditch. I try to be nice even though we can't stand each other (I even invite them on vacations with us for my kids sake).

 

[dismom2]

Sounds like she is the one who is messed-up.

You do not need to tolerate verbal and emotional abuse. I rid most of the toxic people out of my life and it is so much more peaceful and happy now. It doesn't matter if they are related to you or not--- being related to someone (by blood or marriage) does not mean you have to be treated like crud.

As for having children---do what you want to do. It's none of MIL's business.
Her words sound very hurtful.

 

[minkydog]

sounds like you both need to take a stand. There is no way I would put up with this crap. YOur husband needs to stop defending you and put his money where his mouth is. I would not spend 5 minutes being harrassed this way let alone 3 days. If you all are willing to put up with it, then I guess you deserve what you get.

Really, I do understand. My wretched FIL was like this with me when he was drinking. One day he crossed the line and got very nasty with me. I stood up, told him I didn't have to listen to that, grabbed my purse and walked out. My DH was coming down the sidewalk and I told him what happened. DH walked into the house, told his father he could not treat me that way and that we would not be coming back for more. And then we left. Eventually FIL was remorseful(when he sobered up) but it took some time to rebuild that bridge. I never trusted him again and he died of a heart attack a few months later.

Your child-bearing status needs to go private. Talk about it with your mom and your husband, but you know you aren't going to get any support with the MIL. Why in the heck would you even engage in that conversation? Forget about being nice. It's none of her business! Dont give her opportunities to berate you. She starts up, you leave. Period.

Perhaps you and your DH need to talk about limiting your face time and phone time with his mom. It is clearly not a healthy relationship. And no, she's not going to change. This is a good as it gets.

 

[Disney Doll]

When people show you who they are, PAY ATTENTION!

If she's like this now, it's only going to get worse as she gets older. So get used to the idea now that your MIL is a nasty witch.

A word of advice....keep your reproductive issues between you and DH and maybe your mother or a trusted friend if that works for you. MIL does not need to hear anything about all that. Frankly, it's noone of her business. When DH & I were going through our infertility issues, we didn't tell anyone other than my friend. because there were times when I needed her help. I also had to tell my boss because I needed a span of time off form work and she had to do all the paperwork stuff for me. Neither DH nor I felt that anyone els eneed be privy to something as prsonala s reproductive issues.

Frankly, if your DH wants to limit contact with his mother, I suggest you follow his lead an do so. It doesn't sound like she adds anything to your life.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

She sounds like a control freak. DH is her little boy and she is jealous that he has another woman in his life that has replaced her (in her mind0.
You can either distance yourself and explain nicely to her why...or put up with her abuse for the rest of her life.

 

[MIGrandma]

From what you have posted, I'm sorry but in my opinion your MIL is truly an idiot. When your DH married you, you became the #1 woman in his life. Obviously his mother can't handle that, or won't even try. I think it's wonderful that he is going to law school so that he can properly support his family. And for your MIL to talk to you the way she has about you maybe not being able to have children is just cruel. She should be offering comfort to both of you, and being supportive in the decisions that your DH makes. Truthfully, I don't think she is worth your time. If I were you I would want to have as little to do with her as possible, as long as she continues to treat you the way she does. I'm very sorry your MIL is a witch.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Based on your account it sounds like your MIL is truly unbalanced. There's no explaination for anyone being that crass and hurtful, that's not a MIL who doesn't like you, its a MIL who is off her rocker. I would suggest following your husband's lead and remove her from your life.

 

[Tiger926]

It totally sounds like your mil is in need of some serious assistance: counselling, meds, etc. She is way unbalanced...this is not someone who you should be around, nor your children.

I'm sorry she is so toxic, but you really shouldn't be pursuing this relationship any longer as she is very unstable, and with you being bipolar, you don't need this type of person in your life at all, as this will just cause you to become unbalanced. I'm sorry, but your health, your husband's health and your future children are much more important.

Best of luck and good health in 2010, Tiger

 

[devmer]

Honestly, when I read about MIL like that I don't get it. Don't they want to be part of their son's lives? Think about how this person is going to treat your children, biological or otherwise. Do you really want her around being nasty to your kids? It may be better to cut ties now than have to deal with her mistreating your kids, or even being pregnant and hormonal around someone who is so nasty to you.
Dawn

 

[MoniqueU]

I am confused. You say she says you are messed up because you are bipolar? I think it may be the other way around. Regardless I would cut that relationship to the bare bones. No one needs that. If your DH still wants contact I guess that is his choice but I wouldn't step foot in her home or take her calls.