Could this "family" possibly be any meaner?? Update Pg.3

[Microcell]

C. Ann- Why don't you and your DD write up an obit for your local paper in honor of the funeral today? The paper will take your money for it, I am sure. Really talk up the great friendships she had and of course, about her mom! I am the malicious sort, so I would do it in the family's local paper too!

This sounds so much like my Not dear at all, in any way shape or form dad and his wife! They like to think my mom never existed! They would swoop in and do stuff like that with any of my sisters or I. Thank goodness my DH would never relinquish control of my funeral, and he has override rights ! He is too good to exclude tham as I would wish, but he would keep them in check!

 

[4nana]

C.Ann ~

Who can even begin to imagine what is going on with these crazy people. Just remember one thing - to harbor ill feelings or revenge will only make you more stressed out and maybe even sick. God sees all that is going on! Believe me - what goes around will come around. It is out of your hands, so try not to worry about what you cannot control honey. Your daughter and SIL will make out fine and be may be stronger because of this. Sorry for all you are going thru. Blessings to you and yours.

Godspeed ^i^
Sandie

 

[Sandy V.]

What Microcell said . . .

I see no reason why you and your daughter couldn't put together some sort of "In Remembrance" obituary and put it in the paper yourselves. It might help your daughter through this difficult time. And I would do it exactly the way that Microcell said she would and put it in both papers - talk up the friendships and the woman's mother!

I'm sorry these people are being such inconsiderate jerks - it is so perplexing why they would treat your daughter in such a rude manner.

Best wishes, and again, I'm sorry.

 

[EltonJohn]

I'm not seeing why you're upset over this. It's their family, they can handle things as they see fit.

My sympathy and prayers go to the friends and family of the deceased.

 

[EltonJohn]

double post

 

[Microcell]

I would say something like- In remberance of (DD"S friend), who found a true and loving family in her friendships... You did have a family, with us...

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by Sandy V.
I see no reason why you and your daughter couldn't put together some sort of "In Remembrance" obituary and put it in the paper yourselves.

Where I live only funeral homes are allowed to submit formal obituaries to the paper and they follow the families instructions. You cannot do it directly. You could pay for an announcement but it would cost more than what they charge for the obits.

 

[Microcell]

Originally posted by C.Ann

The wicked stepmother just had to get in another cheap shot.. Made sure that my DD knew that the "family" had invited other friends and co-workers to come by the house and pick out something of this young woman's to have as a remembrance - but DD was NOT invited.. DD asked if she could at least have any photos of her DD (my granddaughter) that were taken when they went on their yearly all-girl's vacation and she got a flat out NO.. I cried when my DD told me that..

There's "grief" and then there's meanness and spitefulness.. No one will ever convince me that this behavior is motivated by "grief"..

Okay, I will stop hogging the board right after I tell you this. You could well be talking about my own step mother and I know exactly why they are doing this to your DD- I have been reading the posts all along and now I see clearly why- Your DD challenges them. They seem like my step witch and want everything their way- they come in and act like they own the place and your DD put up resistance to them by telling them she had the proper paperwork to be in control. I am right, didn't her friend list her as next of kin or something like that? They didn't like that, and they immediately saw her as the enemy.

My DH is hated by my dad and the witch becasue he always is polite, but definately in control of things, and they hate it. I used to let their digs get to me and go home so upset, but DH would make them crazy. Here is an example: We told them we were geting married in a church with his dad officiating and they are Jewish, so she said " we cant go unless you have a civil ceremony or in a synagogue" My DH and I are both christian (long story) and I was getting flustered because everything they say seems like a threat to me and I usually get upset and leave. Well DH just said, "We are getting married on this day at this time at this place and we will be sorry to miss you" She pouted the rest of the night, and I enjoyed the heck out of it. She as the stepmother you speak of wanted something like"sure we will change all our plans to suit you"

CANN- call your DD and her DH and tell them to walk in like they own the place and be polite and civil. Act like no bad blood has ever occured- people like that get satisfaction by others being upset. They will be very flustered by not being able to get to your DD.

 

[Sandy V.]

You're probably right, ARMinnie, that local custom would dictate whether you could submit this or not.

Where I live in Colorado, obituaries are done two ways. One contains just basic information and it is pretty short. These are usually free or of minimal charge. If you want to go into greater detail, those cost at least $300 to print.

We seem to have a lot of the "In Remembrance" obituaries as well, both for recent passings and those commemorating the anniversary of a loved one's death.

 

[C.Ann]

I love the idea of writing up some sort of "remembrance" and will have to check into what the papers will and won't allow - considering my DD is not part of the wonderful "family"..

There's going to be a Memorial Service at their place of employment (there is a Chapel on site).. Could we somehow connect it to the announcment of those services?

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Microcell
you"

CANN- call your DD and her DH and tell them to walk in like they own the place and be polite and civil. Act like no bad blood has ever occured- people like that get satisfaction by others being upset. They will be very flustered by not being able to get to your DD.

--------------------

That's exactly what my SIL said they were going to do - polite, respectful, and with the attitude of "the services were not listed as private and therefore we have every right to be here".. Neither he nor my DD will cause any kind of commotion unless the "other side" fires the first shot.. If that should occur, probably all bets would be off.. Don't get me wrong - it would never come to a brawl or anything of that nature - but believe me, both SIL and DD are perfectly capable of "using their words" (no profanity or anything of that sort) to defend their position..

This "family" made a choice to have little to nothing to do with their DD for 11 years.. I suppose it's only normal to be jealous that she found a new family.. However, to blame my DD for it is ludicrous.. If they need to "blame" anyone they need only look in the mirror.. This young woman was adamant that my DD not call her family the night she was hospitalized but when it became apparent that the situation was critical my DD ignored the wishes of her friend and called the family anyhow because she thought it was the "right" thing to do.. So much for doing the "right" thing if this is the end result..

What's that old saying?

"No good deed goes unpunished..."

 

[LauraR]

C. Ann, I'm wishing the best for your DD today. It's good that she has her DH there for emotional support. Sounds like that "family" has had a lot of practice in being mean and nasty. I don't know whether they were jealous or threatened by your DD's friendship with their daughter, but there's no excuse for their behavior. I'm guessing if they were that cruel to their daughter's best friend and her pets, they weren't too nice to her while she was alive, either.
Anyway, I hope after today you and your DD can just treat those people like toxic waste (which they are) and avoid them forever. I know it's going to be hard to let go to these feelings of anger and frustration, but I hope you'll be able to get some distance from them. It's not that these people deserve forgiveness in any way, but you DO deserve not to have these feelings eat away at you. Hopefully their ability to hurt your DD will be gone after today.
Writing up a "remembrance" piece for the newspaper sounds like great idea. Maybe it will help your DD focus on all the love and joy she brought to her friend. I imagine her friend had alot of pain to deal with regarding her family if she chose to distance herself from them for 11 years, but she had your daughter to lean on. Friendships like that are rare, and I hope your DD will be able to take comfort in the happiness she brought her friend.

 

[Microcell]

I think so, call your paper and see what they can do. They get paid by the word so they will take your money and you could put what you want in the notice. Good luck!

 

[Microcell]

I think I forgot to tell you to tell DD to be condiscending as heck! "Of course I am staying, she is my best friend. You don't want to create a scene now do you?"

I am far too mean for my own good!

 

[marymrg]

First, my sympathies on the loss of your DD's friend. I think an "In Memoriam" announcement with the details of the memorial service would be a nice idea. In fact, it might be very comforting
to all of the friends/coworkers who are still shocked and saddened by their loss. I probably wouldn't list any family members but would somehow word it as to convey a gathering of friends to remember and celebrate the life of xxxxxx.

I think you need to help your DD plan the memorial in a way that will be healing for all of the friends left behind. While closure is never really possible, moving away from all of the negativity and concentrating on the good memories will also help. Beyond that, hopefully your dd will not have to ever be in contact with the family again after today.

 

[Lachesis00]

When my friend Sam died (I think it was a suicide myself, the days before had been rough), an article about the car accident was in the paper and *nothing* more. No obit, no funeral, no remeberance... nothing. The kicker... no headstone. The poor kid was all of 17.
I am sure his step mom who hated him him was dictating what was {not} said and done. To this day I am bitter about it. He was a special guy with a lot of friends.


I am so sorry for your daughter CANN. I hope it all goes smoothly for her.

 

[C.Ann]

DD & her DH just got home a short while ago.. Wait till I tell you what happened!!!

At the church, they had people come up and speak (of course DD was not invited to do so) but another girl from their place of employment was and guess what the topic was?

The special friendship between my DD and this young woman!!!!!! She talked about the uniqueness of it - the special bond - the special pet name she had for my daughter - the yearly girls vacation they took together - the job this young woman was offered in another state, but turned down because it had everything there EXCEPT my DD, her DH and my granddaughter..

Then she whips out this special photo album that my DD had given this young woman - on the front it reads "True Friendship Lasts For Eternity" - and went on to talk about all of the happy photos that this young woman had placed inside - ALL of which were of her, my DD, my granddaughter, and my DD's DH...

But it gets better! The "family" had requested some of her co-workers to make a collage of this young woman at her work place to be placed in the church next to the coffin.. Guess who was in every single photo WITH her? These two were inseparable and if the family had KNOWN that, the last thing they ever would have asked for was that collage..

DD got to say her "real" goodbyes at the cemetery.. She and her DH waited until everyone else (and I do mean EVERYONE else) had left.. Then DD went over to the coffin alone.. She told her friend that she loved her, kissed the coffin, and then said, "I promised you I would be there at the end, so here I am.. I got the final goodbye.."

Now comes the hardest part.. How is she ever going to heal from this?

 

[marymrg]

Originally posted by C.Ann
DD got to say her "real" goodbyes at the cemetery.. She and her DH waited until everyone else (and I do mean EVERYONE else) had left.. Then DD went over to the coffin alone.. She told her friend that she loved her, kissed the coffin, and then said, "I promised you I would be there at the end, so here I am.. I got the final goodbye.."

Now comes the hardest part.. How is she ever going to heal from this? [/B]

She will get through it, step by step but never "get over it". Because of what you mentioned above, I believe your daughter will find some peace and comfort in being able to say goodbye.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by marymrg
She will get through it, step by step but never "get over it". Because of what you mentioned above, I believe your daughter will find some peace and comfort in being able to say goodbye.

-------------------------

The only thing I'm still worried about is that she said it still doesn't "seem real" - because the coffin was closed, so she didn't actually "see" her.. I think that's going to make any real closure more difficult for her..

I remember when my Dad died.. I was right there in the hospital room with him when he drew his last breath.. We had a traditional wake and funeral - with an open coffin - yet for MONTHS afterwords, I had to fight a daily urge to go over to the hospital - Room 5220 - to be sure he wasn't in there.. Odd that I still remember that room number 16 years later, isn't it?

 

[edcrbnsoul]

I am so glad things turned out for your DD, and she got to say her goodbyes. And Bravo to her Co-workers, I would have loved to been a fly on the wall just to see the family expression. People reap what they sow.