Contacting long lost sibling on Facebook??

[Jaimee]

This may be long...I thought I posted about this here or on another board I frequent last year, but I can't find the post, just wanted to get opinions now that a year has passed.

I have an 11 yr old DS. He has virtually no contact with his biological father. This is not by choice, his dad is just not interested. He's seen him 6-8 times in his life and the last time was over a year ago (lives in the same area, has our phone number). When I met his dad in college, I knew he had a daughter who was 2 or 3 at the time. I even met her a few times, and I knew who her mom was. Fast forward to last year. The daughter came to mind one day and I looked her up on Facebook, she and DS look sooooo much alike! Anyhow, she had her graduation year on her profile, and she just graduated this June and is now 18. DS knows about her, and would love to get to know a sibling (I don't have any other kids). From what I know, their dad never sees her either.

Would it be weird (or stalker-like) for me to send her a message on Facebook? I thought last year that I'd wait until she was 18, but I still feel weird about it. A 34 yr old emailing an 18 year old and springing this on her? I don't even know if she knows that DS exists. My mom thinks I should contact her, but my friends are split about 50/50. I'm just looking for some more opinions or points of view.

TIA!
Jaimee

 

[Disneyland1084]

I've never been in your type of situation, but I say go for it. Contact her. If you don't get the response you were hoping for, at least you tried.

 

[SandrA9810]

Is it possible for you to contact her mother?? She probably doesn't even remember you.

And if you contacted her on facebook, I would imply wanting to meet up with her mother, stating that you and the mom had a mutual friend years ago when she was a baby and would like to catch up. If need be, put that it was her father.
She might be legal age, but I'm sure she'd still to go her mom for advice about this. And you said that the father is out of her life as well, but did he leave long before she could remember him or did he do the same thing to her as your son with a once in a while phone call? If she's interested in who you are, she'll probably reply back even if her mom says it's not a good idea. Or you could ask your son to contact her (if she's kept the father's name), he could say he was looking up family members and came across her.

 

[Keli]

You know, this is just my opinion but I wouldn't do it.
I know you'd like your son to get to know his sister but I would let him take the lead on this one.
If ex's dd doesn't know she has a sibling I'm sure its not going to come as a huge shock either (ie., not the "Daddy cheated on Mommy and I have a brother?!" scenario) so I think it would be fine if your son took the initiative and contacted her himself via facebook.
It would take away the stalkerish feel to it, you know?

 

[karibritt01]

I agree with the poster that said try the mom first. If she is agreeable, she can help you get the kids together for a meeting, and it will be easier on the daughter. If she doesn't want to help out, then let your kid do the dirty work... we all know tweens never listen to their parents anyway!

 

[browneyes106]

I don't think it would be too stalkerish. Since you meet her a few times years before and I don't think she would be freaked out. A few people I was acquaintances with years ago have contacted me on Facebook and I didn't get freaked out. But I think maybe try contacting the mom first or maybe ask your DS's bio father for info on the sister. I think maybe go with your gut. If you have a good feeling contact her on Facebook and explain that your DS would like to meet and know her.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would contact her. She is eighteen and old enough to decide for herself if she wants to get to know her brother. She may be very interested, but the mom may not be. Since his sister isn't a kid anymore, it's not up to the mom anyway.

 

[rileyroosmom]

I say don't contact her. My father was married before he married my mom and he had 3 kids with his first wife. Growing up, I knew 1 brother. He didn't come around a lot (he's 16 years older than me), but enough that I thought the world of him. I was aware the other 2 existed (they were young when their parents divorced, my dad admitted to not being a great dad, was 19 when the oldest was born, and they all grew apart). Anyway, I've never spoken to the other 2 or met them. My 1 brother tells me about them every now and then. My dad passed away last year and those 2 didn't come to the funeral. I just have no desire to know them or be part of their lives and I assume they feel the same about me. We are all adults now, I'm 43 and they are at least 10 years older than me. The kids you are talking about are much younger, but I feel just because you are blood related to someone, doesn't mean you need to be in each others lives. I think they haven't met each other for a reason, this is the way it is meant to be.

Just my opinion, good luck on whatever you decide to do.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I say don't contact her. My father was married before he married my mom and he had 3 kids with his first wife. Growing up, I knew 1 brother. He didn't come around a lot (he's 16 years older than me), but enough that I thought the world of him. I was aware the other 2 existed (they were young when their parents divorced, my dad admitted to not being a great dad, was 19 when the oldest was born, and they all grew apart). Anyway, I've never spoken to the other 2 or met them. My 1 brother tells me about them every now and then. My dad passed away last year and those 2 didn't come to the funeral. I just have no desire to know them or be part of their lives and I assume they feel the same about me. We are all adults now, I'm 43 and they are at least 10 years older than me. The kids you are talking about are much younger, but I feel just because you are blood related to someone, doesn't mean you need to be in each others lives. I think they haven't met each other for a reason, this is the way it is meant to be.

Just my opinion, good luck on whatever you decide to do.

WOW..so because you had no relationship with your siblings, and had no desire for one, these two siblings should not find out about each other and maybe have a relationship???

Maybe the 11 year old would love a big sister, and maybe the big sister would love a little brother. Especially where their dad has been absent from their lives. They may feel some kind of a bond...the same man deserted them both.

OP..I say go for it. I don't agree that your 11yo son should make the initial contact, because what if she is not interested? I also don't think you have to contact her mom first...she is 18..fully capable of making her own decisions. She could ask her mom for advice...but I say go for it! You met her before, she is aware her dad could have another child, so no need to even make up a story. Contact her and tell her she has a little brother. She may be thrilled.

 

[Abbigator]

I just found my husband's long lost half sister on facebook. They had not had contact since she was about 17 or 18 and had called him once. They have not seen each other since they were young children. Her mom and his dad divorced and she moved with her kids far away. She was excited to get back in touch and they talked on the phone for an hour and a half. Then he put her in contact with one of his other sisters. The half sister sent a picture that she has had all of these years of their dad, my husband and his 2 sisters and their 2 half siblings at a funeral. My husband wants to arrange a reunion of sorts in Disney next summer. And my kids have another cousin to get to know, hopefully. She's 2. What is amazing is how much my husband's sister and his half-sister resemble each other. That is how I knew it was her before I looked further at her facebook. So, at least in this case, it was a good decision I think.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I would contact her. She is eighteen and old enough to decide for herself if she wants to get to know her brother. She may be very interested, but the mom may not be. Since his sister isn't a kid anymore, it's not up to the mom anyway.

Ditto.

 

[Sparx]

i say that you should try.

i have a sister whom i didn't know about until i was 12-13ish. when i contacted her, (she had known about me) it was very strange. her (and her mother and sister) are very odd people, and it was semi uncomfortable. i never developed a relationship with me, and she was very obsessive about asking questions about our "father" (she had this false idea that i had spent my childhood with him, which i didn't, and neither did she. she had strong jealousy issues towards me becuase she thought i had our father, and she didn't. which is untrue, and i was adopted by anotehr man, who raised me as his daughter after my father left when i was 3.)

that was kindof complicated to explain, sorry if it doesn't make sense, but the gist is, she blamed me that her father wasn't around when it was my fault. so she never wanted a relationship with me.

be prepared for that. it could very well happen. does she know about your ds? if she doesn't, it could be very shocking, and make her unlikely to want to meet him.

you have to play with kiddie gloves, but by all means, if your son wants to meet her, i think you should give it a shot. but don't let him build up ideas of her in his mind. she could become the best sister ever, or she could walk right back out of his life. just don't get his hopes up too much.

 

[Jaimee]

Thanks for the replies. Although you were kind of split, so I'm still not sure what to do lol. I did try to find the mom on Facebook and I can't, she could very well be married with a different last name I guess.
I had a similar thing happen to me actually. I didn't have any contact with my bio dad for about 10 years and when I was 18 my grandmother told me I now had a little half brother and sister and we are very close now (although I'm much older than them, it's still cool to have sibilings after being an only child). Maybe I'm just hoping it would turn out the same way for DS. I guess I'll wait a little longer until I'm sure about my decision.

 

[browneyes106]

Thanks for the replies. Although you were kind of split, so I'm still not sure what to do lol. I did try to find the mom on Facebook and I can't, she could very well be married with a different last name I guess.
I had a similar thing happen to me actually. I didn't have any contact with my bio dad for about 10 years and when I was 18 my grandmother told me I now had a little half brother and sister and we are very close now (although I'm much older than them, it's still cool to have sibilings after being an only child). Maybe I'm just hoping it would turn out the same way for DS. I guess I'll wait a little longer until I'm sure about my decision.

On the girl's FB profile are her friends visible to others ? Maybe you could look through the list for the mom that way. Have you ever thought about contacting a private investigator that does sliding scale for family/relative situations? You could show the PI the Facebook profile and maybe he or she could find a way to contact the girl or the mother?

 

[Freyja]

I would contact her. She is eighteen and old enough to decide for herself if she wants to get to know her brother. She may be very interested, but the mom may not be. Since his sister isn't a kid anymore, it's not up to the mom anyway.

I agree