Constant Complaints?

[me again]

Ok, I'm somewhat new here but have seen other parenting issues discussed on these boards so perhaps there's some opinions about this out there.

I have 2 kids 10 & 11. They recently made friends with a sibling group of three other kids, ages 9,7 & 6. They really want to play together, my kids always ask to play with them, and they call frequently to play with us, so obviously they like each other.

The problem is when they're together its a constant stream of complaints from the other kids, about my kids and their own. Their mother and I can't have a conversation, literally we couldn't go 30 seconds yesterday without an interruption from one of her kids, complaining about some trivial issue, such as my daughter splashed her daughter and got her swim suit wet (they were in a pool!). Also, the oldest boy constantly runs to mommy with a "boo boo" seems that kid is constantly bumping into something, then comes to mom with tears, making a mountain out of a mole hill, not even a mark or bruise, mom responds with tons of hugs, sympathy, etc, which only encourages more!

I find it frustrating as an adult to be constantly interrupted by a child with a silly complaint about my child. My kids wouldn't dare interrupt an adult conversation for nonsense! Also, just what is it I'm supposed to do? I mean, these kids complained about every little thing, such as my son wouldn't let the other kid use his swim goggles (duh....he doesn't have to share personal equipment!). I finally told the other little boy that those were my son's goggles, if he wanted goggles he shouldn't speak to me, he should ask his mother to buy him a pair of his own. He then ran off crying to mommy that I was mean to him! Honestly, the complaints never ended--my son wasn't playing enough with the older boy, played too much with the younger one, my daughter didn't share here pool toy with the girl, my son bumped into the other boy (no injury, both admited it was a simple accident). I mean, these kids just cut right into our conversation without even an apology for interrupting and dump all their complaints, expecting me to do something--like what? Find them other, perfect companions? That is in between those kids constantly having a problem like a bump, "boo boo", other times its a tummy ache, headache, anything for attention!

I told the little girl if she had a problem with getting wet she shouldn't be in a pool! I mean, its frustrating to be challenged and put on the spot by a group of kids. I finally just found an excuse to leave, my kids were genuinely upset that I cut the play date short and the other kids were in tears, wanting to play with their "friends". They've called here at least 6 times over the weekend wanting to get together. Obviously they like each other and want to play, but when they do play all they do is complain constantly about each other. I feel we don't satisfy as companions when together or there wouldn't be so many complaints. I would rather just shut them down as friends, but my kids are literally begging me to play with them.

Also, my kids never complain about the other kids to their mother. The complaints are all one-sided. I never get complaints about my kids from other people, its not like they can't get along with anybody. It seems these kids just want to complain constantly to me, and run constantly to their mother with some little problem they blow all out of proportion, like a non-existant tummy ache.

Any suggestions how to handle such a situation?

 

[KirstenB]

I dunno, could you just tell them that if they're not dead or dying, they're old enough to work it out themselves?

 

[me again]

I dunno, could you just tell them that if they're not dead or dying, they're old enough to work it out themselves?

Well, you know, that's how I handle squabbles with my two. If its not life threatening I tell them its just something they have to work out themselves, or if they can't figure out how, I just shut it down. That is, if they're fighting over a toy and can't figure out how to share it, I just take the toy away. If they can't get along while out somewhere, such as at the park, we just come home. I don't tolerate constant "tattling". I can't be a referee for every little thing.

But that's how I handle my kids. I'm at a loss as how to handle this group of whinners. I'd just say forget them as playmates, but my kids seem to like them so much! They beg to play with them! I don't want to take away friends they enjoy, just need to find a way to handle the whinning. The other mother has a different parenting style from mine. She over-indulges any little problem, so naturally they come to her for all the attention. I literally am sick of seeing her oldest boy being hugged and cuddled while he cries crocidille tears over any little bump. Its so obvious that's how they interract, get and give attention, etc, but it wears me out! Different parenting styles! Also I really am tired of the other kids coming to me with constant complaints about my two, like I'm somehow obligated to intervene and referree every little thing!

 

[seashoreCM]

Maybe you should referee a few of their complaints and arguments. hAVE BOTH SIDES COME TO YOU AND EACH STATES THEIR SIDE OF THE ISSUE AND THEN YOU GIVE YOUR OPINION. iF YOU CANNOT COME TO AN AGREEMENT OR IF THERE ARE TOO MANY ARBUMENTS, TAKE YOUR KIDS AWAY (SEPARATE THEM) AND SAY TO YOUR KIDS THAT IF THEY CANNOT PLAY NICELY THEN THEY CANNOT PLAY AT AL

dISNEY HINTS:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[me again]

Maybe you should referee a few of their complaints and arguments. hAVE BOTH SIDES COME TO YOU AND EACH STATES THEIR SIDE OF THE ISSUE AND THEN YOU GIVE YOUR OPINION. iF YOU CANNOT COME TO AN AGREEMENT OR IF THERE ARE TOO MANY ARBUMENTS, TAKE YOUR KIDS AWAY (SEPARATE THEM) AND SAY TO YOUR KIDS THAT IF THEY CANNOT PLAY NICELY THEN THEY CANNOT PLAY AT AL

dISNEY HINTS:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

I've done that--refereed some of the complaints, it just seems to encourage more!

I think I'll let them have another play date, but if the complaints start I'll just ask the other kids if they like my children and want to be friends? Because it seems like they don't like them, all the complaints I hear about them. Then if that doesn't stop, I will just have to tell them that their constant complaining tells me that they really can't seem to get along so maybe we should just stop seeing each other for awhile. That leave the door open for future friendships, but cools things off for awhile. since next week is the last week of school and our schedules will change for the summer it might be a good cooling off period. I just can't understand why my kids seem to like these so much when all they do is complain/tattle about them!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know I am going to get flamed for this, but in your OP most of the complaints seemed to be that your kids didn't want to share etc. Maybe they aren't really complaining, maybe they are telling an adult when someone is not being nice since that is what most kids are taught to do. You mentioned that the girl got mad because your dd splashed her. Well, to be honest, getting wet and getting splashed is two different things. I don't like getting splashed, but I love the pool. Your son didn't want to share his goggles. I don't feel goggles are a personal item, just a pool toy. Telling the kids to tell his Mom to buy him a pair doesn't seem very nice. We all share in the pool here. Your dd didn't want to share her toy. Well, honestly, if my kids weren't sharing I would want to know. As far as the youngest complaining about every boo boo, well, some kids are sensitive. There is nothing you can do to change that. Each kid has their own personality. I'm not very clear on this but were you and the other mother supervising the kids in the pool or were you in the house? I understand that different parenting styles can be a challenge sometimes, but I get the feeling from your post that you wanted to sit and have a cup of coffee and fund it annoying that the kids were being, well, kids. I'm not trying to be rude, just offering another side to things.

 

[me again]

Goggles aren't a toy, they're a personal item, just like my sunglasses. I'm not obligated to share them with anyone else!

The other mother and I were sitting in the pool area, keeping an eye on the kids, and there's a lifeguard. I'm not obligated to respond to every whine with a solution. That's us, take it or leave it! It almost like these kids were demanding that my kids behave a certain way or I was supposed to intervene and make it so.

Why should these other kids essentially run the show? Every move my kids make should be to their liking or they "tattle" to me, like I'm somehow obligated to provide them with perfect playmates. As long as my kids are obeying the pool rules, that's all they need to do. They certainly don't need to take the goggles off their face and give to someone else! Anymore than they should "share" their sandals, towels, or their swim suits! Honestly, those kids do need to learn that other people's property isn't their's for the whining!

 

[Stephres]

I completely understand. My DD4 loves this little girl and wants to have her over all the time, but every time I have her over she is constantly running over to me about some complaint about my daughter. If my daughter doesn't do exactly what she wants when she wants to the other girl tattles. The play dates almost always end with my daughter in time-out because I try to have her do what the other girl wants because she is our guest. Finally I told the mom that we couldn't have anymore play dates because my daughter was not behaving, but I really felt the constant tattling and goading by the other girl was causing the problem.

Solution? I don't know, these kids are older so maybe you can set some ground rules. If you guys can't work out your problems this play date will end early? Good luck!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Goggles aren't a toy, they're a personal item, just like my sunglasses. I'm not obligated to share them with anyone else!

The other mother and I were sitting in the pool area, keeping an eye on the kids, and there's a lifeguard. I'm not obligated to respond to every whine with a solution. That's us, take it or leave it! It almost like these kids were demanding that my kids behave a certain way or I was supposed to intervene and make it so.

Why should these other kids essentially run the show? Every move my kids make should be to their liking or they "tattle" to me, like I'm somehow obligated to provide them with perfect playmates. As long as my kids are obeying the pool rules, that's all they need to do. They certainly don't need to take the goggles off their face and give to someone else! Anymore than they should "share" their sandals, towels, or their swim suits! Honestly, those kids do need to learn that other people's property isn't their's for the whining!

I did not know you were at a public pool. I thought this was in your backyard so that's why I found it odd that you didn't think your kids should share. While I don't think you need to provide perfect playmates for anyone, if you made a playdate then I would encourage sharing. If you were just at the pool and these people showed up and decided to play then I can see why that's different but I still would encourage my kids to share if they were all playing together. Many times we have shared our pool toys and beach toys with other kids that have decided to join us to play. I don't see a problem with it. As far as the goggles, I personally don't find them to be a personal item like a swimsuit but if you do then you do. If your son was wearing them and like I said, you weren't at your backyard pool I also don't see a reason to share them as well. If you feel this strongly about them then maybe you need to find other families that you clique with. It is hard to find playmates where everyone (including Moms or Dads) have alot in common. Good luck and I hope you find another group that provides a better play experience!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I am on the opposite side of this, unfortunately. My 5 year old dd is the complainer and it flares up around any other child she's around! And I can genuinely say that it is My fault! I spoiled her to death and she wasn't really around any other kids for much social interaction.

But....I can understand how you feel. It is annoying and gets old very fast. I have had to completely remove my daughter from the situation before so that she would get the hint. The thing is, I would think that the parent would want to address it. I know, it embarasses me when my child acts that way....
Anyway, personally, if the kids want to play with each other and still like each other...I guess let them play. But, if they come to you to referee, tell them it's your day off!

 

[me again]

Well, glad to see I'm not the only one with such a problem. I do want my kids to "play nice' especially if we initiated the play date, but that shouldn't put the other child in charge.

We'll see what happens. Like another poster, I have ended up punishing my child for the other kid's complaints, but won't do so again. Unless its something truly out of line, I'm not putting my kid in time out because he doesn't dance to someone else's tune.

 

[Merriwind]

Really, I think all of these kids are old enough to work out these squabbles themselves. The rule at our house (and really in our neighborhood where we have a glut of kids in the 8-10yo range) is, "if no one is bleeding and the house is not on fire, work it out."

If you really believe that these kids are just whining and your kids' behavior is not contributing to the situation, you need to shut the other kids down. A manta, like above, will help. If they know that that is the only reaction they'll get out of you, they'll stop coming to you. There has to be some benefit for the kids to keep coming to you. Stop giving them attention and having an answer for their every complaint and they may stop.

Encouraging good behavior among all before playdates, like sharing pool toys (not necessarily goggles) and not splashing if someone asks you to stop, could help too.

Good luck--it sounds terribly annoying!

 

[Helene]

The "goggle sharing" got my attention, so I just have to post.

First, in response to the overall question of what to do. I am direct and honest in all interactions with my children & their friends. In the scenerio you've described, I probably would say something like "Do I interrupt you when you are playing with your friends?? It is impolite to do so. I understand you are upset about______(fill in the blank) but you & ______need to work it out. If you can't, perhaps it's time to end playtime"

My kids have learned that I mean what I say and despite any protests from them, we'd be on our way. These days, however, most of the playing happens in our home and their friends all know my ground rules, so I rarely have a problem anymore.

Which brings me to the issue of sharing. I have always taught my kids to share, not a problem. However, the "goggle sharing" has come to a halt as of this summer!! We have an in-ground pool, so of course we are the destination for many of my children's friends (I don't mind, love having them around and I know where my kids are). The "I don't have goggles and ____blank won't share" has worn very thin on me. In my experience, goggles break alot!! I literally have spent close to $50/year supplying goggles throughout a summer to avoid the fights. This year I've started to let the neighborhood kids know that they are responsible to bring their own, if they don't, oh well, I won't be forcing my kids to share.

 

[Barb D]

I got pink eye from sharing goggles one time. There's your justification for that one!

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

These kids sound very rude, very spoiled and very needy. I pretty much tell my kids the same thing as PP said, my kids know that unless they are bleeding or on fire (or the house is on fire), that I really am not interested in hearing it. Nothing irritates me more than a whiner or a tattle tale.

We had almost the same scenario with kids in our neighborhood and I finally said to the oldest (who was 12) that I didn't understand why they wanted to keep coming to my home if they had all these problems every time they were here and that maybe they shouldn't play together. Didn't get a response and to be honest, didn't expect one. Shocking though, how the next time he and his sister came over there were no problems. I know some may not think my saying that was appropriate, but I'm not going to sit there and referee silly fights or actually reprimand/punish my kids because another kid tells me to-I'm the parent here and this is my home. I've cut a few play dates short in the past-I make sure it is known that the kids just can't seem to get along and maybe its best they have time to chill. This seems to work wonders as well, cause after a few times it seems they get the hint and manage to be decent-if only for a few play times.

With the other parent-guess you can see why her kids are like that if she isn't doing anything about it. If my kids interject themselves into an adult conversation or interrupt, they get a very icy stare if it is not for a good reason-and they know if they do it again they will be dealt with after company leaves or after we get home (if we are out).

As far as the goggles-I agree that I would not force my child to share or want them to borrow someone else's. What if somebody was just developing pink eye? Yuck! No thanks! As far as other pool toys, of course I'm no witch and I definitely would ask my kids to share-its just the right thing to do.

 

[badblackpug]

If the kids really enjoy playing with each other that much, then make the punishment for the constant complaints NOT playing together. After, say, tattle #3, just say "I see you kids aren't getting along very well today, I think that maybe you need to seperate, maybe you can play together tomorrow, if you can get along." Then move to another area of the pool,(or go home) and tell the kids that they cannot play together for the rest of the day. If the tattling continues on subsequent days, say "You kids really aren't getting along well at all lately, maybe you need a longer break from one another, you can play with each other again next week." After a couple of these bans, they will stop complaining about your kids.

As for thr whining to mom over trivial physical complaints, there is nothing youcan do about it.

That being said, I don't think it is terribly parental, or a very good example, to say to a little boy "If you want goggles, tell your mother to buy you some." or to say to a little gir, l "If you don't like getting wet, you shouldn't be in a pool." To me this sounds very argumentative, and the kids will only take this as a cue to argue or complain. Although I don't agree with your opinion, I would say, "We believe that goggles are a personal item, only meant for one person to use, so I have told Johnny he doesn't have to share them, if you get you own goggles you won't have to share them either." I might say to the little girl, "I am sorry that Susie splashed you. You should explain to her, nicely, that you don't like to be splashed, and she won't do it again."