Conflicted About a Go Fund Me Fundraiser

[slo]

I'm a little conflicted about something right now, and I'm hoping that you all can give me some advice on how to feel.

Here's some backstory....

I have a friend who is a breast cancer survivor - twice
Her DH, who is also a friend of mine, is now considered in remission from lymphoma

When my friend with breast cancer found out she had breast cancer, my DH and I sent her $100 worth of gift cards to help with meals (one being Door Dash). When she found out she had breast cancer again, we did the same thing.

When her DH found out he had a cancer, we didn't send money again, but I did send him a religious gift (he is a religious man) with a card to let him know we are thinking of him. I also have been in contact with him often to check on him to see how he's feeling and to let him know I am praying for him, which I have been.

(I only mentioned what we did to paint the picture of what we did, not for a pat on the back)

A month ago, 2 mutual friends decided to put on a fundraiser for the family at a local bar to help them financially, which is very nice and I will be going (it's this Friday) - there is a charge to attend and they'll be collecting more money there. Last week, the same friends started a Go Fund Me page and is asking all of us to contribute, which is nice, but I'm not certain I want to contribute even more money. Both friends that the fundraiser is for are employed, both have insurance, so there's a primary and secondary insurance to pay for the medical bills. I'm sure they have a deductible, like all of us, which is unfortunate, but we all have deductibles and out of pocket maxes for insurance.

I hesitate to pay into this Go Fund Me account, and not because I don't like my friends, but because January is a very expensive month for us. I have my infusion on Saturday which goes towards my entire $3400 deductible. My DH has a medication that is over $2000 he needs to get in January. So January is over a $5000 month for us. My DH and I don't feel the need to constantly be putting posts on Facebook about any trials and tribulations him and I have, so people don't know. But just because you don't put your whole life story on Facebook, doesn't mean there isn't stuff going on behind the scenes. My friends, who the fundraiser is for, put absolutely everything on Facebook, which is fine, whatever makes them feel better.

So....my question is......should I/we feel pressured into paying into this Go Fund Me account when we've already helped the family a few times, I'm going to the fundraiser & paying money there when we have our own bills to pay. Heck, I'm not even staying at the fund raiser for a long time, because I have my infusion the next morning. Plus, I still can't be on my foot a lot from the surgery I had 3 weeks ago.

Give me your thoughts on this, and please try to not make me feel like an awful person because I'm wanting to draw the line in regards to how much my DH and I want to contribute. I'm just wondering when enough is enough. My DH keeps telling me to stop dwelling about this, but I obviously can't, which is why I'm posting this thread.

Thanks

 

[Mommb]

You are absolutely not required to contribute any more than you feel comfortable with. Attending the fundraiser is enough to show that you care. Should anyone rudely ask why you didn’t contribute to the Go Fund Me, you can honestly say that you are helping in other ways.

Do not feel pressured. Communicating directly with the family, as you have been doing, will mean more to them than getting money that, it appears, they don’t particularly need.

 

[lanejudy]

I would not feel pressured to donate to the GoFundMe. It seems you have done plenty already to show support for this family.

 

[NYCgrrl]

If it’s not in your budget don’t do it.

 

[slo]

Thank you for your quick replies. If my DH was reading them he’d just nod his head in agreement with you all. I agree as well, but I keep feeling guilty and I really need to stop that.

 

[Micca]

Sounds like you have been very good to that family, and if their situation became catastrophic you'd probably do even more. But this is not the case, it's fine to let others do their part this time.

Good luck with everything in January!

 

[Rogue1677x]

Don't feel guilty at all. You contribute when you can but you have your own expenses that you have to pay for as well.

I've only ever contributed once to a go fund me, and it was someone that I was no longer friends with. I was compelled to though because although we were no longer friends, we had been for 25 years. Finding out her husband had terminal cancer was sad and their son was young, so he was being left behind.

 

[Imzadi]

Should anyone rudely ask why you didn’t contribute to the Go Fund Me, you can honestly say that you are helping in other ways.

I wouldn't just say "in other ways," I would LIST it: "I contributed money THREE separate times to them already. I have my own ongoing health problems that I am dealing with. <Point to Foot.> I can't contribute anymore at this time. By the way, how many times have you contributed?"

If ever there is a time to play your own "sick card," it is now. And asking them to account for how much they have donated puts them on the defensive as it's probably less times than you. If it's the same or more, just say, "Good for you!"

 

[Lumpy1106]

You didn't mention kids so I'll assume there aren't any. It's sad and tragic that they are both going through this, but I wouldn't feel any pressure to contribute to the (far less personal) go-fund-me. You are doing what you feel is right to assist them and nobody is entitled to even that much information.

FWIW - I ran the referee program for my local AYSO for years. We had a youth referee that was killed in a training exercise in boot camp in his first year out of high school. His family had a go-fund-me that I decided not to contribute to. Reason being, they set a goal, the goal was reached, and either the family of go-fund-me increased the goal. No matter, money wasn't going to bring him back, and as sad as it was, the family didn't need the money outside of funeral expenses that were fully covered by the original go-fund-me goal.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Look at it this way--don't feel obligated to contribute to the Go Fund Me, but there may be future chances to contribute or do something else to help the family. Keep them in your prayers, keep visiting with them, and see how things are going for them.

 

[LoveDaisy]

I would give what you are comfortable giving and should not feel pressured. As a cancer survivor who was fully insured I walked away with almost a million in medical debt. I made decisions that were right for me and not fully covered by my insurance. I was well aware of the decisions I made and responsibility I would have because of the decisions I made. I certainly would not expect someone to help me pay. I was angry at my health insurance for years but it is what it is.

 

[Genie+]

Yes I don’t think there’s any pressure to also do the gofundme. I’d just think of it as one of many options. Someone might not be able or want to attend the fundraiser, but would like to contribute and gofundme would be convenient in that case.

We’ve unfortunately had quite a few of these situations in our circles and it really seemed nobody questioned other people’s choices. What you are comfortable with is great!

 

[tvguy]

There may be other ways you can show support other than money.
I am always leery of Go Fund Me. Of course there is always the concern that the money will not get to the person it is being raised for. But there can be other issues to consider that I have witnessed.
A former co-worker had a rare form of cancer and a Go Fund Me was set up for experimental treatments. That money prevented him from qualifying for special grants set aside for just this type situation. And after he passed, his wife had to pay income taxes on that Go Fund Me money.
And, is the recipient of the money actually who you think they are? A man was shot and killed and a Go Fund Me was set up for his "wife and child". We were publicizing the Go Fund Me in our newscasts, (something I was NEVER comfortable with). I get a call from a woman wanting to know why we were interviewing this woman, raising money for her, and calling her the victim's wife? "I'm his wife, the mother of his children, I am paying for the funeral, who is this woman?" Upon investigation, with the help of Police and the Coroner we found out he was leading a double life, and the woman getting the money from Go Fund me was living with this guy some of the time, and with his legal wife some of the time. The girlfriend and victim had no children together. They did not know about each other and the woman facing the financial impact from his death, was not the woman getting the money. As the coroner put it "All your secrets come out when you die"

 

[slo]

You didn't mention kids so I'll assume there aren't any. It's sad and tragic that they are both going through this, but I wouldn't feel any pressure to contribute to the (far less personal) go-fund-me. You are doing what you feel is right to assist them and nobody is entitled to even that much information.

FWIW - I ran the referee program for my local AYSO for years. We had a youth referee that was killed in a training exercise in boot camp in his first year out of high school. His family had a go-fund-me that I decided not to contribute to. Reason being, they set a goal, the goal was reached, and either the family of go-fund-me increased the goal. No matter, money wasn't going to bring him back, and as sad as it was, the family didn't need the money outside of funeral expenses that were fully covered by the original go-fund-me goal.

They do have one daughter and she's in college - she's going to be 23 in 2026.
She's a lovely girl and I know she's been very good with helping her parents.

 

[RUDisney]

GoFundMe used to keep a percentage of the dollars raised. I'm guessing this is still the same, but I haven't looked into it since my sister was the recipient of a GoFundMe. I'd prefer to give a direct donation so I know that all of my money goes to the person for whom it's intended and not to a third party who stood up a website, especially when it's just as easy for me to Venmo the donation. I also don't need credit on the GFM website for any money I add to the pot.

That's what I'd tell anyone who tried to pressure me. "I'm handling my assistance outside of the website." Period. No additional information needed.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

Personally, I feel like you have given plenty, but I do understand the pressure and conflict. An old college friend of mine had cancer and I felt like there was a lot of asking here and there for donations. I gave once but before she passed away, but I feel like we were all asked at least 4-5x. I remember feeling really guilty because one of the asks was to help send them on a trip with their kids. I knew they were struggling monetarily and I knew they wanted one last special time as a family, but I still had trouble with the idea of funding someone's travel...even considering the circumstances.

I will say that the financial aspect is tricky, even with insurance. Said friend above had a personal annual salary around $450k per year before getting sick and her husband made over $600k per year at his job. There were a lot of things insurance refused to cover and they wound up draining savings, having to sell homes/vehicles, and went deep into debt to try and cover what insurance wouldn't. While I didn't need anything nearly as experimental as her, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was still left paying close to $20k out of pocket just because of timing, coverage, deductibles, etc. Said friend's out of pocket was in the millions and I've seen cancer financially decimate other insured friends. Hence why medical issues are the number one reason Americans declare bankruptcy.

Still, going back to my initial point...you have given and if that's what you're comfortable giving...that should be more than enough. We all want to help but there's only so much any one of us can do.

 

[HopperFan]

GoFundMe is a great way to raise money in some situations but I have never contributed to one because .... if I know the people then I can help them in my own way whether gift cards, meals, physical help or cash. Why would I donate to an impersonal fund that doesn't give them all the money? YOU have given them money more than once and been there for them. GoFundMe is great for those acquaintances, workmates, distant friends or family that want to help but not in an up close way if that makes sense. They want to help indirectly or anonymously. People also donate to complete strangers this way upon hearing a story.

You have done more than most I imagine, you are continuing to be of support ~ I would leave the GoFundMe for those folks who need an avenue to help ~ you don't. AND as you have shown we all have our own expenses and budgets and we help financially if it makes sense for us at that time. NO ONE should feel compelled to donate to one of these types of fundraisers. There are better ways to help, which you have proven.

 

[GAN]

I'm a little conflicted about something right now, and I'm hoping that you all can give me some advice on how to feel.

Here's some backstory....

I have a friend who is a breast cancer survivor - twice
Her DH, who is also a friend of mine, is now considered in remission from lymphoma

When my friend with breast cancer found out she had breast cancer, my DH and I sent her $100 worth of gift cards to help with meals (one being Door Dash). When she found out she had breast cancer again, we did the same thing.

When her DH found out he had a cancer, we didn't send money again, but I did send him a religious gift (he is a religious man) with a card to let him know we are thinking of him. I also have been in contact with him often to check on him to see how he's feeling and to let him know I am praying for him, which I have been.

(I only mentioned what we did to paint the picture of what we did, not for a pat on the back)

A month ago, 2 mutual friends decided to put on a fundraiser for the family at a local bar to help them financially, which is very nice and I will be going (it's this Friday) - there is a charge to attend and they'll be collecting more money there. Last week, the same friends started a Go Fund Me page and is asking all of us to contribute, which is nice, but I'm not certain I want to contribute even more money. Both friends that the fundraiser is for are employed, both have insurance, so there's a primary and secondary insurance to pay for the medical bills. I'm sure they have a deductible, like all of us, which is unfortunate, but we all have deductibles and out of pocket maxes for insurance.

I hesitate to pay into this Go Fund Me account, and not because I don't like my friends, but because January is a very expensive month for us. I have my infusion on Saturday which goes towards my entire $3400 deductible. My DH has a medication that is over $2000 he needs to get in January. So January is over a $5000 month for us. My DH and I don't feel the need to constantly be putting posts on Facebook about any trials and tribulations him and I have, so people don't know. But just because you don't put your whole life story on Facebook, doesn't mean there isn't stuff going on behind the scenes. My friends, who the fundraiser is for, put absolutely everything on Facebook, which is fine, whatever makes them feel better.

So....my question is......should I/we feel pressured into paying into this Go Fund Me account when we've already helped the family a few times, I'm going to the fundraiser & paying money there when we have our own bills to pay. Heck, I'm not even staying at the fund raiser for a long time, because I have my infusion the next morning. Plus, I still can't be on my foot a lot from the surgery I had 3 weeks ago.

Give me your thoughts on this, and please try to not make me feel like an awful person because I'm wanting to draw the line in regards to how much my DH and I want to contribute. I'm just wondering when enough is enough. My DH keeps telling me to stop dwelling about this, but I obviously can't, which is why I'm posting this thread.

Thanks

You’re contributing to the “new” cause by going to the dinner that will benefit them -the way I see it, those who don’t/can’t attend the dinner have the option to donate to the gofundme. Clearly, you’re a terrific, supportive friend and have gone above and beyond. Rest easy….

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You don't need to feel pressured regardless of your financials for the month of January I understand your need to rationalize that part out especially because you've seen other details of aid be spelled out and made public but it wouldn't matter if you were in a sound financial situation for any month. Giving from your heart always works the best and you've already done that.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I'm just wondering when enough is enough.

Enough is enough when you and Kevin say it is enough for you. You've already have done a lot and nobody, nobody should question what you have done, what you are doing now, or in the future