Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[mmackeymouse]

Take that ring off! STAT!

Seriously, you never know if there are people who have wanted to approach you, but saw the ring and chickened out b/c they thought you were taken.

Hmmm......makes sense.

At the same time, I just don't think my ring could be mistaken as an engagement ring or wedding band. There are no gemstones on it. And I just don't think it looks like that kind of ring.

Here is a photo: http://www.scripturejewelry.com/images/1R63BW.jpg

I hadn't intended to be this forthright with people I barely know, but while it is not an engagement ring, it IS a purity ring, and I wear it pretty much 24/7. I guess I feel like if I took it off, I would be betraying myself. But, with the weight loss, it IS getting too big, so maybe I should put it on another finger.

 

[tennvalgirl]

Ditch the ring.

It looks like one of those titanium?(I think) wedding bands that seem to be trendy where I work.

 

[Jeanne B]

I get your drift but I did laugh, as our UPS man is my dad!

Take that ring off! STAT!

Ditto!!!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Well I've no doubt you are going to hate my answer but here goes.

You have to get out and start socializing. I don't care if it's coffee shops, the library, the fruit aisle at the grocery store, or the lobby of your office.

Start out when you are looking good and have confidence of knowing you look good. I mean face it people at the gym, well most people, are there looking frumpy and bad hair and all sweaty. Unless you already have the confidence to make chit chat while like this then I wouldn't go there.

You have to build up your confidence with action. There is no way around it. You don't have to go by yourself. Take a couple of girlfriends and just have fun with them. Guys are attracted to women that can be out and have fun. Learn to make eye contact and smile. You don't even have to make conversation if you don't want. Eye contact and smiles are a great hello with no words.

I went to college and wasn't particularly apt at talking with men. I had friends with a mission to change this. They helped me learn to dress and go out and socialized. Had fun and enjoyed life and realized that you may get rejected but you reject just as often even if you don't know it. Makes sense I think.

You have to look in the mirror and realize you aren't the same person from college. You are a smart, attractive woman on the track to somewhere special. That is so much more than alot of people have to offer.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Okay, I think I am getting a lot of sentiments to get rid of the ring. I suppose it would not hurt to take it off while I am working out. Or at least wear it on the other hand.

It is hard, because it is symbolically on that finger as a promise to my future husband. And while I know, it is what is the thoughts behind the symbol that are truly important, it still feels like I'd sort of be selling out.

But, if it increases my chances at all in getting a guy, I suppose it may be worth it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Okay, I think I am getting a lot of sentiments to get rid of the ring. I suppose it would not hurt to take it off while I am working out. Or at least wear it on the other hand.

It is hard, because it is symbolically on that finger as a promise to my future husband. And while I know, it is what is the thoughts behind the symbol that are truly important, it still feels like I'd sort of be selling out.

But, if it increases my chances at all in getting a guy, I suppose it may be worth it.

The sentiments are the same no matter where or if you wear the ring. You could wear it on another ring or wear it on a chain around your neck. What is important to you is still important to you no matter what.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Start out when you are looking good and have confidence of knowing you look good. I mean face it people at the gym, well most people, are there looking frumpy and bad hair and all sweaty. Unless you already have the confidence to make chit chat while like this then I wouldn't go there.

You have to build up your confidence with action. There is no way around it. You don't have to go by yourself. Take a couple of girlfriends and just have fun with them. Guys are attracted to women that can be out and have fun. Learn to make eye contact and smile. You don't even have to make conversation if you don't want. Eye contact and smiles are a great hello with no words.

You have to look in the mirror and realize you aren't the same person from college. You are a smart, attractive woman on the track to somewhere special. That is so much more than alot of people have to offer.

Aww, well that last part was very sweet of you.

And, no I did not hate your answer. At the same time, I don't know how much it applies to me. Honestly, I don't feel like I am any less confident or good when I am at the gym than anywhere else. In fact some ways, I feel more confident at the gym. I feel in my element, focused, and despite the fact I am not thin, people, male or female, can see I am bettering myself. I am a pretty plain jane tshirt and jeans kind of girl, so the only difference between the gym and any other time would be the difference in jeans and sweats, haha. In fact, at my best, would be when I am at church, and wearing a polo instead of a tshirt. Like I said, plain jane.

In any case, my nervousness around guys knows no bounds. Whether I am dressed up at church, casual at school, sweaty in the gym, professional at work, my reaction to men is generally the same. But, I will definitely heed your advice, and try to put myself out there more, if it is even possible in my town to do so. Haha.

 

[FireDancer]

Of course, rings are not everything, as I myself wear a ring on my left ring finger, and I am certainly not spoken for.

As a guy I say take that thing off. The first thing I look for is a wring on that finger, any ring, and if one is there I won't waste my time. While it may not look like a wedding ring I know female runners and triathletes that take their wedding/engagement rings off and put on something small and cheap while competing or at the gym.

If you are interested in someone at the gym the best thing to do is talk to them about the gym. If you a girl comes up and talks to me and I am interested I will try to extend the conversation. I'll ask a question back or come back and start a conversation of my own afterwords.

I've dated girls I met at the gym and each time I started the conversation about something we had in common. In one situation the girl was wearing a Relay for Life shirt and I am involved in Relay so I started a conversation. In another she had a 5K shirt on and I am a runner so I started a conversation about that. If you begin a conversation about something you have in common it will naturally flow.

In the end you have to put yourself out there and be ready to get shot down. It happens but I'd rather try and fail then wonder what if.

 

[mmackeymouse]

As a guy I say take that thing off. The first thing I look for is a wring on that finger, any ring, and if one is there I won't waste my time. While it may not look like a wedding ring I know female runners and triathletes that take their wedding/engagement rings off and put on something small and cheap while competing or at the gym.

If you are interested in someone at the gym the best thing to do is talk to them about the gym. If you a girl comes up and talks to me and I am interested I will try to extend the conversation. I'll ask a question back or come back and start a conversation of my own afterwords.

In the end you have to put yourself out there and be ready to get shot down. It happens but I'd rather try and fail then wonder what if.

Thanks for the guy's perspective! It is probably much needed. By the way, I think I get the picture. Ring off. Got it. I guess I never thought much about it, because most people I meet must know I wear a ring, but they have never assumed I was engaged or married. I dunno....but, I am exactly like you. Anytime I see a guy that looks like he has potential (tehe) the first thing I do is look at his left hand to see if he is married.

I guess that my fear is that, like the guy in college, the conversation will go nowhere. And, then I will feel self-conscious, and be uncomfortable every day that he is there. This way, even if we are not talking, there is that chance, that hope, that maybe someday, something could happen.

I am just not good with rejection, and I have been rejected far too many times. It hurts and stings, and in the past, it has caused me to turn to food for comfort. I feel more confident than ever, and feel like I should be able to find someone, yet according to Match.com, the only guys I am attracting are blech. (not trying to be rude or judgemental; they are just guys that are obviously desperate for God knows what, and apparantly they are the only guys that will have me)

I guess I just wish I knew what I would have to do to make guys be interested in me.

 

[paintnolish]

You shouldn't have to DO anything to make them interested...just be yourself! Maybe you are overthinking this. Just start an innocent conversation. Like PPs have said, if he is interested, he will continue it or make an effort to in the future. Also, just talk to people, anyone and everyone. When people always ask how I am doing, usually in that rhetorical way that people in stores for example do, I actually answer. I say something other than "fine" and ask how they are. It will help you get used to talking in general.

 

[lspst8]

I understand your problems. I'm a pretty shy girl around strangers, so meeting new people it difficult for me -- but I did eventually meet a guy and get married so it can happen!

I have a couple suggestions. I don't know if they will be helpful or not, but I figured they can't hurt. You said you were on match.com, but only getting contacted by people you aren't interested it. Do you ever contact a guy first? I tried on-line dating, and it seemed like I got better results when I actually sent the first email. This did result in some terrible dates, but at least it was good practice.

Now with the cute guy at the gym, just say "Hi" to him first. You don't have to have a big conversation, just try to say hi every day you see him for a week or two. Then, on a Monday, ask him how his weekend was. If the conversation goes nowhere, it isn't a big deal. It doesn't mean you are a loser. But it might go great, and the next time he will say hi first and ask you how your day was.

Do you have friends or siblings nearby who you can go out with and meet new people? I met my husband at a wine tasting held at the local zoo sponsered by my sister's college. We happened to be in line near each other, and his sister knew my sister --- 2 and a half years later, and we're married. I always recommend going to Friday Happy Hour near business offices, the courthouse ... places where employed people would go (not the town's dive bar!) Try to say hi to the guys who are the designated drivers.

It all comes down to just trying to meet people. Yes, a lot of people will blow you off, but you only need to meet one! It sounds like you attend a church regularly -- maybe you could try to find a Bible study for singles, or going to a bigger church where you don't know everyone. Or just volunteering for things you are interested in -- that way you meet people with at least something in common with you. Take a more extroverted friend if you need to, to be your "wingman."

I wish you nothing but luck!

 

[mmackeymouse]

You shouldn't have to DO anything to make them interested...just be yourself! Maybe you are overthinking this. Just start an innocent conversation. Like PPs have said, if he is interested, he will continue it or make an effort to in the future. Also, just talk to people, anyone and everyone. When people always ask how I am doing, usually in that rhetorical way that people in stores for example do, I actually answer. I say something other than "fine" and ask how they are. It will help you get used to talking in general.

Well, apparantly I should, because I have been being myself, and you know how many guys have approached me? Nada.

Honestly, unless it is a very close friend, I rarely carry conversations with anyone, anywhere. If I see people I know, I might give the generic, "Hey" and smile and wave. But, at the gym, I rarely talk to people I know, unless they come up to me and talk first. I don't consider myself rude, I politely answer the questions asked of me. I just don't go into great detail.

I guess the way I look at it, and you are right, maybe I am being oversimplistic. The way, I look at it, if he were interested, he would talk to me, so I shouldn't have to talk to him to see if he'll talk back, because if he were interested, he'd talk to me first. The "he" is generic in this equation, by the way.

 

[KAMKIM]

I live by the motto "fake it till ya feel it!"

I have confidence issues too. Mine's not just around guys, but just generally around crowds of people I don't know. I've made progress, mostly just by faking it until I am actually comfortable. Apparently I am pretty good at the faking thing, because a lot of people are surprised when I tell them this.

I totally agree. I was painfully shy and withdrawn during school, once I got to be an adult I adapted VERY well and was able to talk to just about anyone about anything.

This was the shocker, one time in college we were talking about introverts and extroverts and everyone took a poll about the students in the class. All of them came back that I was extroverted, I really am not but was very good at faking it.

 

[mmackeymouse]

You said you were on match.com, but only getting contacted by people you aren't interested it. Do you ever contact a guy first? I tried on-line dating, and it seemed like I got better results when I actually sent the first email.

Actually, yes, I have sent initial emails, and winks, and whatever. Nada. Which I definitely do not understand. I mean, I know I am no supermodel, but I still don't think I am hideous, and maybe even have my cute days.

I always recommend going to Friday Happy Hour near business offices, the courthouse ... places where employed people would go (not the town's dive bar!) Try to say hi to the guys who are the designated drivers.

Well, in our town, there really is not any social places to meet people or clubs or coffee shops or anything like that. All we have are bars, and I am sure you can imagine what kind. I am a non-drinker at that. Don't have a whole lot of friends that party. I know....we are sad, boring people.

It all comes down to just trying to meet people. Yes, a lot of people will blow you off, but you only need to meet one!

Yes, all it takes is one. I keep trying to tell myself that. If it's the first one, that would be more than ideal.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Okay, I think I am getting a lot of sentiments to get rid of the ring. I suppose it would not hurt to take it off while I am working out. Or at least wear it on the other hand.

It is hard, because it is symbolically on that finger as a promise to my future husband. And while I know, it is what is the thoughts behind the symbol that are truly important, it still feels like I'd sort of be selling out.

But, if it increases my chances at all in getting a guy, I suppose it may be worth it.

Not just while you are working out - ALL the time! I think the reason you are wearing it is very cool, but you have GOT to wear it on another finger - ALL THE TIME! You just never know when your prince charming is going to come along. You might run into him anywhere, but if he sees the flash of a ring on your wedding ring finger, he isn't going to stick around to see if he might have misinterpreted the ring. (If he is still interested after seeing you wearing a ring on that finger, he is not the kind of guy you are looking for!)

 

[pearlieq]

It is hard, because it is symbolically on that finger as a promise to my future husband.

But it's going to be awfully hard to meet him if he thinks you're married or otherwise taken!

Plus, do you want the guys you DO meet to be the ones OK with hitting on a woman who wears a symbol indicating she's taken?

Move it to another finger or wear it on a chain, STAT.

 

[lspst8]

The way, I look at it, if he were interested, he would talk to me, so I shouldn't have to talk to him to see if he'll talk back, because if he were interested, he'd talk to me first. The "he" is generic in this equation, by the way.

But what if the he is terribly shy and just as nervous as you are about approaching strangers. He could be thinking "That girl slooks so nice and interesting and fun, but I know she'll just shut me down and ignore me" at the same time you are thinking "That guy looks so nice and interesting and fun, but I know he'll just shut me down and ignore me" too. If neither one of you is brave enough to make the first move, both of you end up unhappy.

Well, in our town, there really is not any social places to meet people or clubs or coffee shops or anything like that.

Are there any larger towns within driving distance (I'd say an hour)? You have to go where the people are ....

Is there a community college where you could take a fun, non-credit night class? I just took some cooking classes at my local community college, and they were lots of fun. Everyone was really friendly. If cooking isn't your thing, maybe a foreign language class, or a finance class, really anything you are interested in learning. Especially somethng hat is hands-on and active, so you HAVE to talk to other people.

Maybe volunteering with Habitat for Humanity? Lots of guys there, and they have handy-man skills too! Or a missions trip? My friend's mother met her husband on a mission trip to Bolivia!

 

[Karibeth19]

I am a pretty plain jane tshirt and jeans kind of girl, so the only difference between the gym and any other time would be the difference in jeans and sweats, haha. In fact, at my best, would be when I am at church, and wearing a polo instead of a tshirt. Like I said, plain jane.

This is what jumped out at me, and I'm wondering if you have tried making a few changes in your appearance, in addition to losing weight? Not to impress anyone else, or to conform to a certain idea of beauty, but for yourself, to make you feel amazing. Maybe get a new haircut/color, have a professional show you different ways to do your makeup, or look for new clothes and try on things you would ordinarily pass by. I'm so impressed with your weight loss, and I can tell you are very dedicated to your workout routine. But, maybe making some other small changes would make you realize just how gorgeous you can be, which in turn, may make you more confident when approaching men. It reminds me of the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". When Tula starting making all the changes in her life, her confidence soared, and look at the hot guy she landed!!! Sometimes amazing things happen when we step outside our comfort zone, and changing your "plain Jane" routine might just be the spark you need!

I wish you all the best!!

 

[mmackeymouse]

Not just while you are working out - ALL the time! I think the reason you are wearing it is very cool, but you have GOT to wear it on another finger - ALL THE TIME! You just never know when your prince charming is going to come along. You might run into him anywhere, but if he sees the flash of a ring on your wedding ring finger, he isn't going to stick around to see if he might have misinterpreted the ring. (If he is still interested after seeing you wearing a ring on that finger, he is not the kind of guy you are looking for!)

But it's going to be awfully hard to meet him if he thinks you're married or otherwise taken!

Plus, do you want the guys you DO meet to be the ones OK with hitting on a woman who wears a symbol indicating she's taken?

Move it to another finger or wear it on a chain, STAT.

Alright guys and gals. Duly noted. I have actually already switched hands per your suggestions. It feels incredibly bizarre, and have fought the urge to put it back. After all, I have worn the ring on this finger for almost 8 years. But, I agree with you guys. Sometimes, you just have to make the sacrifice.

But what if the he is terribly shy and just as nervous as you are about approaching strangers. He could be thinking "That girl slooks so nice and interesting and fun, but I know she'll just shut me down and ignore me" at the same time you are thinking "That guy looks so nice and interesting and fun, but I know he'll just shut me down and ignore me" too. If neither one of you is brave enough to make the first move, both of you end up unhappy.

Well, if he was thinking that, it would be awesome! Well, the first part, at least.

If cooking isn't your thing...

I also laughed at this, because I LOVE to cook and bake, so other than working out, it is definitely, "my thing." Yes, a sport freak that bakes. And I still cannot get a boyfriend. Anyone else see a problem, here?

 

[mmackeymouse]

Maybe get a new haircut/color, have a professional show you different ways to do your makeup, or look for new clothes and try on things you would ordinarily pass by. I'm so impressed with your weight loss, and I can tell you are very dedicated to your workout routine. But, maybe making some other small changes would make you realize just how gorgeous you can be, which in turn, may make you more confident when approaching men. It reminds me of the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". When Tula starting making all the changes in her life, her confidence soared, and look at the hot guy she landed!!! Sometimes amazing things happen when we step outside our comfort zone, and changing your "plain Jane" routine might just be the spark you need!

Awwww, thank you. You are much too kind.

I actually did just get a pretty significant haircut. Of course, I hear guys like long hair, so I may have just shot myself in the foot. But, I was itching for a change, so yeah.

I bolded that part, because I don't actually wear makeup. So there would be no change to be made. I do own makeup, and wear it once a month (if that). And, I do wear lip gloss maybe once or twice a week.

The thing about movies is that they are just that....movies. In TV and movies, the handsome guys fall for girls that are chubby or not so pretty or plain janes. They fall for their personality and character and charm. In real life, the handsome guys (and even some of the not so handsome ones) in my experience, are extremely concerned with outer beauty and shallow. Whereas, you see beautiful girls with normal men all the time.