College (Teen) girl advice needed.

[DawnCt1]

I have a relative whose DD is in her second year of college. The first year wasn't particularly successful. She attended college out of state, earned 9 credits, (took a non credit math and dropped a course), transferred to another out of state college, earned 9 credits (failed to register for the 5th course, dropped a course). Now has transferred back to the original college on her "own dime" (student loan). The first transfer was precipitated by a failed boyfriend relationship. Now she is failing two courses and her mother is blaming another new failed relationship. "Her DD has trust issues, can't trust boys, etc" and in fact is blaming the boys. My view is she can't trust boys because boys and girls at that age aren't trustworthy. They are exploring the world of dating, aren't picking life partners and should be focused on school, so there is nothing "abnormal" about a boy who doesn't want to stay committed. He wants to be "just friends". And while it might be "fun" to live off campus in an apartment complex with a swimming pool and 3 other girls, if she isn't mature enough to handle that, she may belong in the dorm or need a community college setting.
The new excuse from DD is "I can't focus". She was a good student through out school, completed her assignments, did well on tests, so a sudden onset of ADD seems unlikely. The BIG ISSUE that I see, and that I am having difficulty telling her mother, except in the most cryptic way, is that her mother lives vicariously through her, from hair, to clothes, to friends, to boyfriends. She wants to know more than what a DD of that age should actually share and by overtly encouraging these relationships, she is neglecting the reason why she sent her DD to school in the first place.
So how I am "involved"? The mother wants ME to call her DD and talk to her. I don't think it is my place, but I do have a relationship with the DD. What I am inclined to say is "job#1 is school, and there is no sweeter revenge to an obnoxious boyfriend than personal success at whatever one attempts." I know there is a saying like that . She is undecided AGAIN if she wants to return the next semester. Her goal is nursing. Failing Math and Chemistry are non starters as far as nursing is concerned. Any thoughts?

 

[DVC Sadie]

I have a relative whose DD is in her second year of college. The first year wasn't particularly successful. She attended college out of state, earned 9 credits, (took a non credit math and dropped a course), transferred to another out of state college, earned 9 credits (failed to register for the 5th course, dropped a course). Now has transferred back to the original college on her "own dime" (student loan). The first transfer was precipitated by a failed boyfriend relationship. Now she is failing two courses and her mother is blaming another new failed relationship. "Her DD has trust issues, can't trust boys, etc" and in fact is blaming the boys. My view is she can't trust boys because boys and girls at that age aren't trustworthy. They are exploring the world of dating, aren't picking life partners and should be focused on school, so there is nothing "abnormal" about a boy who doesn't want to stay committed. He wants to be "just friends". And while it might be "fun" to live off campus in an apartment complex with a swimming pool and 3 other girls, if she isn't mature enough to handle that, she may belong in the dorm or need a community college setting.
The new excuse from DD is "I can't focus". She was a good student through out school, completed her assignments, did well on tests, so a sudden onset of ADD seems unlikely. The BIG ISSUE that I see, and that I am having difficulty telling her mother, except in the most cryptic way, is that her mother lives vicariously through her, from hair, to clothes, to friends, to boyfriends. She wants to know more than what a DD of that age should actually share and by overtly encouraging these relationships, she is neglecting the reason why she sent her DD to school in the first place.
So how I am "involved"? The mother wants ME to call her DD and talk to her. I don't think it is my place, but I do have a relationship with the DD. What I am inclined to say is "job#1 is school, and there is no sweeter revenge to an obnoxious boyfriend than personal success at whatever one attempts." I know there is a saying like that . She is undecided AGAIN if she wants to return the next semester. Her goal is nursing. Failing Math and Chemistry are non starters as far as nursing is concerned. Any thoughts?

Man oh man, you are in an impossible situation and I feel for you.

It sounds as if your friends DD is at college to earn her MRS instead of a BS or equivalent and no amount of discussion is going to help if that is the case. In any case it sounds as if the DD is still very immature and it seems a waste of money for her to be in college and running away *transfering) everytime she has a break up or something unpleasant happens to her.

Instead of talking solely to the DD have you tried to talk to your friend in regards to how she may be influencing her DD in a way that is hindering her chances of a education?

If you value a friendship with the mother I seriously doubt I would have a "true and honest" heart to heart talk with the DD.

 

[LoraJ]

Does her school have some type of program she could go to for help? Or some sort of class she can take that can help her learn a routine between balancing school and free time as well as learning how to study? Is she even motivated to finish school?

When I first went to college I was not really into it. I had no desire to sit through a couple of years of what I considered to be boring classes to get to the good stuff that was a part of my major. I ended up dropping out and going to a trade school. Now, 20 years later, I am finishing my degree by taking classes online. Now I have a desire to learn about those subjects and I am doing a lot better than I did when I attended school in person.

I was just watching a show called "Declining by Degrees." It was really interesting. It takes a look at how kids get by in college: http://www.decliningbydegrees.org/show-synopsis.html
(I watched it through the Netflix "watch it now" if you have Netflix).

It may be the type of school she is in is not clicking with her. Are her classes too big? All I did in large classes back then was either nap or write my pen pals. I just could not learn in a large lecture class. They point that out in this documentary.

 

[DawnCt1]

Man oh man, you are in an impossible situation and I feel for you.

It sounds as if your friends DD is at college to earn her MRS instead of a BS or equivalent and no amount of discussion is going to help if that is the case. In any case it sounds as if the DD is still very immature and it seems a waste of money for her to be in college and running away *transfering) everytime she has a break up or something unpleasant happens to her.

Instead of talking solely to the DD have you tried to talk to your friend in regards to how she may be influencing her DD in a way that is hindering her chances of a education?

If you value a friendship with the mother I seriously doubt I would have a "true and honest" heart to heart talk with the DD.

I have tried but it is difficult. She says she "gets it" but then she is off ranting how her DD would feel so much better if she just told this boy "how he has hurt her" and doesn't it help to "get it out"?, etc. I told her that she is telling you and it isn't making her feel better and that sometimes just repeating the "injury" is picking at the scab. Telling the boy anything isn't going to change his behavior and in the end, does she really want him to change his behavior or her DD's behavior of having relationships mean too much to her at such a young age. I must have said ten times, "this is what boys do". Dating at this point in her life should be fun, not filled with angst. The last "intervention' she wanted to haul me in on was, Would you tell my DD that drinking beer is making her fat". My answer, she knows what makes her gain weight and lose weight and she doesn't need me to tell her.

 

[DawnCt1]

Does her school have some type of program she could go to for help? Or some sort of class she can take that can help her learn a routine between balancing school and free time as well as learning how to study? Is she even motivated to finish school?

When I first went to college I was not really into it. I had no desire to sit through a couple of years of what I considered to be boring classes to get to the good stuff that was a part of my major. I ended up dropping out and going to a trade school. Now, 20 years later, I am finishing my degree by taking classes online. Now I have a desire to learn about those subjects and I am doing a lot better than I did when I attended school in person.

I was just watching a show called "Declining by Degrees." It was really interesting. It takes a look at how kids get by in college: http://www.decliningbydegrees.org/show-synopsis.html
(I watched it through the Netflix "watch it now" if you have Netflix).

It may be the type of school she is in is not clicking with her. Are her classes too big? All I did in large classes back then was either nap or write my pen pals. I just could not learn in a large lecture class. They point that out in this documentary.

The school has an academic center where there is tutoring available. I think that having a car on campus and leaving to go to an apartment is much more appealing than going for extra help. To me, that is the downside of not living in a dorm when that is what one actually may need to stay focused on school. It could also be that her goals aren't realistic given the amount of effort that is required for her to succeed.

 

[DWGal210]

I have tried but it is difficult. She says she "gets it" but then she is off ranting how her DD would feel so much better if she just told this boy "how he has hurt her" and doesn't it help to "get it out"?, etc. I told her that she is telling you and it isn't making her feel better and that sometimes just repeating the "injury" is picking at the scab. Telling the boy anything isn't going to change his behavior and in the end, does she really want him to change his behavior or her DD's behavior of having relationships mean too much to her at such a young age. I must have said ten times, "this is what boys do". Dating at this point in her life should be fun, not filled with angst. The last "intervention' she wanted to haul me in on was, Would you tell my DD that drinking beer is making her fat". My answer, she knows what makes her gain weight and lose weight and she doesn't need me to tell her.

WOWZA...so it sounds like this mom wants to be the friend and let you do the dirty work and be the iron fist?! And that last comment (bolded by me) is just nuts...she says she wants her daughter to succeed in school but she wants to YOU to tell HER daughter that she is gaining weight?! Why that would even be an issue with the mom is beyond me. I guess some people don't have enough to worry about.

 

[minkydog]

Oh, Dawn, Dawn...just say no. If you value your relationship with both the mother and daughter, hold your tongue. I highly doubt that the girl is going to listen to you and change her ways--that's not likely for a sophomore. And I don't know how you could broach the subject of living vicariously to her mother.

You and I know that Mom needs to back off and let this girl make her own decisions and mistakes. And I feel strongly that this girl probably needs to drop out for a period and just work until she figures out what she wants to do, instead of racking up more debt for a degree she's not committed to. I fear that if you are frank, or even subtle, this whole thing is going to blow up in your face.

Good luck, whatever you decide. I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

College is entirely different from High school.

I had undiagnosed ADHD--what kept me focused in high school was the fear of my life from step-parents and wanting to escape that insanity.

College was an entirely different story. Much more challenging coursework and I nearly lost the scholarship that I had earned due to joining a sorority adn being caught up in mandatory sorority life. (I honestly wish I had never joined it, but that's another story for another day.)

When again the fear of failure was upon me--I got it into high gear as my parents certainly had no money to bail me out (and threatened to force me home when that scholarship was lost).

So it may not be sudden on-set, but as a psychologist once told me...some kids are just "smart' enough to do what they need to survive so that it doesn't seem to interfere with life.


But that's neither hear nor there--she certainly is distracted, whether it is do to a psychological cause or just her environment. One need not be ADHD to have focusing issues (it's more than just "focusing").

I'd take the opportunity and speak with her since mom gave you permission. However--I think you should only provide the advice that you feel is correct and not what the mom wants you to say. And if you opt to do that, be prepared to lose the mom as a friend.

But the deal is, the girl is not doing college the right way and it seems it is at the hands of her idiot mother.

I always had the philosophy of more of a courtship kind of dating experience versus having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. (well except seniro year of high school..what was I thinking? ) I had 2 serious boyfriends in college and that was it. I had a date with some other potentials, but I never went beyond that if it wasn't someone I realloy saw myself marrying. I just didn't get the point. I got dumped by the one boyfriend (totally didn't see that coming) and the other i did marry after college. Thus boys did not interfere with my college experience. If anything, they might have enhanced it. But they certainly didn't destract it. (almost got the 4.0 I was aiming for my second semester WITH the boyfriend as opposed to the 2.65 my first semester being single. OUCH! I wasn't dumped until towards the end of summer.)

College is a job and it isn't the time for fun and frolic at the expense of your studies. That made for a very tough first semester for me sinceI did join a sorority that seemed to rule my life (I was very strapped for cash and I didn't risk fines for any reason but never could get backups who would go in my place to mandatory social functions that I was assigned to go to--including one that was on my birthday the night before a Calculus II exam. I was doing well in the class, but I had to study the night before and couldn't and I couldn't risk the monetary fine. It sucked! I had an A until then and ended up with a B in the class.)

Her mother is encouraging the fun and frolic. And that is a pity.

 

[Feralpeg]

I sort of went through this type of situation last year. The first two years DD was in college, she did great. She was on the Dean's List or President's List every semester. She had a great group of friends and had a lot of fun, but school was her priority. At the beginning of her junior year, she met a guy. He was, in my opinion, a loser, but I did not tell her this. There are just some things kids need to find out for themselves. I did keep reminding her that school was her first priority. Needless to say, she did not make the Dean's List at all last year. Her grade point average is still very high, but not as good as it could have been.

Of course, I will never say I told you so, but the guy dumped DD March of last year. I said a few Hallelujahs and then listened to DD cry. Since that time, she has refocused. She has a new boyfriend, but he lives a 1000 miles away from her school. She is doing much better this semester.

Unfortunately, no matter how smart they are or how mature they seem, kids have to go through some tough times to learn what their priorities should be. Dawn, I hope your friends daughter finds her path soon. It sounds like she might do better at a school where she can live at home for awhile.

 

[dnoyes]

Dawn this is just a thought and in no way do I think I have all the answers.

My youngest DD (who turned 21 today ) was starting to lose interest in college at the end of last year. I could see she needed a little push to find a direction so I suggested doing a internship. She ended up going with the Disney World College Program and it has been the best thing that ever happened to her.

She has been there for 90 days now and has a whole new attitude about her future . She can't wait to get back to school.

Working 50-60 hours a week for $7.25 an hour has opened her eyes up a little bit. Now her plans are to finish college next year and return to Disney on a Prof. Internship. A year ago she was content to work at Red Robin for the rest of her life.

 

[DawnCt1]

Lisa loves Pooh;34269379]College is entirely different from High school.

I had undiagnosed ADHD--what kept me focused in high school was the fear of my life from step-parents and wanting to escape that insanity.

I think its possible and they have a medical clinic there where she can go and speak to someone. I told her when she was home last month that she should take advantage of every opportunity and if she thinks she has ADD, she about an evaluation, but that she still has to work hard and learn some study strategies.

College is a job and it isn't the time for fun and frolic at the expense of your studies. That made for a very tough first semester for me sinceI did join a sorority that seemed to rule my life (I was very strapped for cash and I didn't risk fines for any reason but never could get backups who would go in my place to mandatory social functions that I was assigned to go to--including one that was on my birthday the night before a Calculus II exam. I was doing well in the class, but I had to study the night before and couldn't and I couldn't risk the monetary fine. It sucked! I had an A until then and ended up with a B in the class.)

Her mother is encouraging the fun and frolic. And that is a pity.

I so agree with this. I can't tell you how many times I have heard her tell her DD, 'college is supposed to be fun'. It is a JOB and one that has to be paid for. Her mom took LOADS of pictures of her DDs apartment to show me how they decorated her room, etc, etc. Where the pool was, etc.

 

[DawnCt1]

I sort of went through this type of situation last year. The first two years DD was in college, she did great. She was on the Dean's List or President's List every semester. She had a great group of friends and had a lot of fun, but school was her priority. At the beginning of her junior year, she met a guy. He was, in my opinion, a loser, but I did not tell her this. There are just some things kids need to find out for themselves. I did keep reminding her that school was her first priority. Needless to say, she did not make the Dean's List at all last year. Her grade point average is still very high, but not as good as it could have been.

Of course, I will never say I told you so, but the guy dumped DD March of last year. I said a few Hallelujahs and then listened to DD cry. Since that time, she has refocused. She has a new boyfriend, but he lives a 1000 miles away from her school. She is doing much better this semester.

Unfortunately, no matter how smart they are or how mature they seem, kids have to go through some tough times to learn what their priorities should be. Dawn, I hope your friends daughter finds her path soon. It sounds like she might do better at a school where she can live at home for awhile.

That's what I think.

 

[FireDancer]

My view is she can't trust boys because boys and girls at that age aren't trustworthy. They are exploring the world of dating, aren't picking life partners and should be focused on school, so there is nothing "abnormal" about a boy who doesn't want to stay committed.

The rest of the thread was a bit out of my area of window of experience but I find this part accurate for the most part. I wouldn't all it untrustworthy, it is what it is. When I was in college my focus was on school and work and nothing else. I was not going to get emotionally involved in any relationship beyond having a little fun. I had to work more than full time to put myself through college and all my effort went into my 48 hours of work and my full student load.

I would go one dates but nothing was going to take my attention away from the task at hand. I also knew that I would likely be going out of state for my first job and wanted nothing factoring in my decision to do so other than myself. It turned out I did have to go about 1,200 miles for my first job on month after graduating.

When I was high school some of the best advice I ever got was not to invest very much into romantic relationships. They will most likely not last and you don't want to make life decisions at that age based on a (most likely) fleeting relationship.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I so agree with this. I can't tell you how many times I have heard her tell her DD, 'college is supposed to be fun'. It is a JOB and one that has to be paid for. Her mom took LOADS of pictures of her DDs apartment to show me how they decorated her room, etc, etc. Where the pool was, etc.

College can be both fun and a full time Job as long as the student knows how to find balance in her life. It seems as if the mother is not helping her daughter focus and is finding excuses for her daughters behavior.

I don't know who is behaving more immaturely, the daughter or the mother. Unfortunately it is the daughter who is going to suffer in the long run unless she can refocus on her education.

Maybe it's time for the daughter to come home and work for a year. It will give her time to grow up and decide what she wants to do in life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So how I am "involved"? The mother wants ME to call her DD and talk to her. I don't think it is my place, but I do have a relationship with the DD. What I am inclined to say is "job#1 is school, and there is no sweeter revenge to an obnoxious boyfriend than personal success at whatever one attempts." I know there is a saying like that . She is undecided AGAIN if she wants to return the next semester. Her goal is nursing. Failing Math and Chemistry are non starters as far as nursing is concerned. Any thoughts?

Well considering her history and the fact she is failing 2 courses on her own dime in this current semester, I would probably sway her in the direction of moving back home and taking some local classes.

Or tell her to go and get some counseling to figure out wth she is punishing herself with school.

I have to say that their might be complications with student loans and not passing, maybe, not sure.

Certainly her GPA has to be in the crapper. If she does return and kills the rest of her GPA off, she won't be going the following yr. for sure.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think that since the girl's mother asked you to talk to her, you should be free to tell the girl your honest opinions and thoughts. However, if you think that your feelings are opposite of your friends, then that's not such a good idea.

I think you'd be doing them both a favor by telling Mom first what your thoughts and opinions--gently and without criticizing her--and if she's O.K. with what you've told her, talk to the DD as she requested. If she doesn't like what you say, then tell her you can't talk to her DD because you don't want to lie to her.

If nobody has ever told this young woman that her education should come before any of her relationships, it's something she should be told. She probably won't listen, but it can't hurt her to hear it from a responsible adult anyway.

Good luck!

 

[freckles and boo]

Maybe instead of "telling" her anything you could ask her how she is doing and see if she wants to talk. Let her lead the conversation. She may see things very differently than her mother does. I would also make sure that she doesn't perceive you as a spy for her mother. If you truly have a relationship with the girl and want to help her I think you should be honest with her, but I wouldn't run back to her mom with a full report.

 

[MrsPete]

I have a relative whose DD is in her second year of college. The first year wasn't particularly successful. She attended college out of state, earned 9 credits, (took a non credit math and dropped a course), transferred to another out of state college, earned 9 credits (failed to register for the 5th course, dropped a course). Now has transferred back to the original college on her "own dime" (student loan). The first transfer was precipitated by a failed boyfriend relationship. Now she is failing two courses and her mother is blaming another new failed relationship. "Her DD has trust issues, can't trust boys, etc" and in fact is blaming the boys. My view is she can't trust boys because boys and girls at that age aren't trustworthy. They are exploring the world of dating, aren't picking life partners and should be focused on school, so there is nothing "abnormal" about a boy who doesn't want to stay committed. He wants to be "just friends". And while it might be "fun" to live off campus in an apartment complex with a swimming pool and 3 other girls, if she isn't mature enough to handle that, she may belong in the dorm or need a community college setting.
The new excuse from DD is "I can't focus". She was a good student through out school, completed her assignments, did well on tests, so a sudden onset of ADD seems unlikely. The BIG ISSUE that I see, and that I am having difficulty telling her mother, except in the most cryptic way, is that her mother lives vicariously through her, from hair, to clothes, to friends, to boyfriends. She wants to know more than what a DD of that age should actually share and by overtly encouraging these relationships, she is neglecting the reason why she sent her DD to school in the first place.
So how I am "involved"? The mother wants ME to call her DD and talk to her. I don't think it is my place, but I do have a relationship with the DD. What I am inclined to say is "job#1 is school, and there is no sweeter revenge to an obnoxious boyfriend than personal success at whatever one attempts." I know there is a saying like that . She is undecided AGAIN if she wants to return the next semester. Her goal is nursing. Failing Math and Chemistry are non starters as far as nursing is concerned. Any thoughts?

Have you heard the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results.

Mom (and daughter) have done the same things for two semesters now -- school far from home, few classes, focus on boyfriends -- and the results have been lackluster. It makes NO DIFFERENCE that this semester is on "her dime" because borrowing doesn't seem real to an 18-19-20 year old. It doesn't affect TODAY, and this girl obviously is interested only in TODAY.

I'd suggest that she bring the daughter home, and give her two options: 1) work or 2) enroll in a local college (community or four-year). IF AND WHEN she produces good grades and proves herself worthy of going away to college, THEN they can talk about it.

The "I can't focus" sounds like an excuse. This isn't a problem that pops up in college. I suspect the real reason is, "I can't prioritize and manage my time." When people ask for a budget, others often recommend writing down every penny spent for 2 weeks . . . I'd suggest that she do the exact same thing, but with TIME. Make a grid, and write down exactly what she does with her time for 2 weeks. I suspect she'll have lots of time spent hanging out with friends, sleeping, and so forth.

 

[luvsJack]

She could be saying "i can't focus" because there is too much other stuff going on in her life; not because she is suddenly ADD. There are certainly times in my life I can't focus.

It does sound as though she needs to come home and re-group. A community college for at least a semester may do a world of good. Besides it can help her get her GPA back up and get through some of those basics she needs for nursing school. (she may even decide she wants to go through a 2 year nursing program rather than 4 year)

As for the boyfriends, there seem to be a lot of young women that, for whatever reason, seem to believe they are not complete people without a boyfriend. If I felt she needed to talk to someone about anything it would be this.

 

[MrsPete]

As for the boyfriends, there seem to be a lot of young women that, for whatever reason, seem to believe they are not complete people without a boyfriend. If I felt she needed to talk to someone about anything it would be this.

And I know moms who are pleased with their daughters' academic progress . . . but are BEYOND THRILLED when those daughters have a boyfriend.