After reading just a few threads on this forum I feel like I am just a whiny person having a pity party, but I am really struggling with my feelings about my daughter. This is her second year at college, several hundred miles away. The problem first appeared shortly before she left for school. Over the last perhaps two years she has begun having major mood swings and periods of EXTREME irritability.
It often starts out where she will twist something innocent that is said into a major insult and will spew the most hateful remarks. If you try to "logic" her into how she is blowing the situation out of proportion she gets literally hysterical, screaming and on a couple of occasions biting her arm or pressing her nails into her hand or arm until it breaks the skin. On many other occasions she will call our home and if someone doesn't answer she will leave very angry messages that she would appreciate it if we would answer when she calls (we ALWAYS call her back quickly when she leaves a message.) She gets angry if I call or email her (I'm bothering her) but if I don't call or email for a couple of days then she is offended. She used to be very organized and a very good student. Now she procrastinates until the last minute and either doesn't turn in assignments or turns in a mediocre product. It is always the professor being a jerk or giving stupid assignments, never her fault. She has periods, up to a few weeks, where things seem okay, but it doesn't last. If you try to even broach the subject that maybe she has a problem, that ends the "good" period.
She has a very patient, loving boyfriend. She has begun treating him as she does me, making him feel like he is walking on eggshells because you never know what will set her off. I am worried that as much as he loves her he is going break up with her. She is so demanding, and she has caused problems for him at work when she starts a huge argument via instant messenger, then insists he come see her to make up or that means he doesn't love her. She has even threatened to hurt herself if he doesn't. While on one hand he feels manipulated, he also feels that he can't ignore it. She has no idea that he has told me of this, but it is consistent with what I have seen. (Actually I think that she suspects it, as she was upset to learn that he has emailed me a few times -- not always directly about her, but initially regarding an issue he had that relates to what I do for a living -- and she told each of us that the other didn't really like them, and we probably shouldn't be talking.) He does not want to give her any sort of ultimatum that she get help, and I think he has doubts that psychology/psychiatry is really helpful. After an outburst, she acts like nothing happened. I NEVER get an apology, no matter how hurtful her comments.
She finally said last week that she thinks she may have ADD. I truly think that she came up with that because she thinks being depressed or having any sort of "mental illness" is embarassing or shows weakness. She asked me to make her an appointment with someone. I have made a ridiculous number of calls and 1)unless she is openly psychotic and/or suicidal she can't be seen for weeks by a psychiatrist, and 2)since she is a legal adult (19) SHE has to make her own appointment(s) and unless she specifically asks them to speak to me they won't.
I am so frustrated. She did call one place back that could see her sooner for a counseling session. She told the counselor none of the mood swings, anger issues, just that she was very forgetful. He gave her some basic organizational hints. Obviously that was a waste of time. I don't see her wanting me to go along, and she would get upset if I was honest with what I have seen and experienced if I did. I don't see her being honest with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
In the meantime, I have really started wondering if maybe she isn't mentally ill, maybe she just doesn't give a crap about me? Maybe I'm worrying myself to death and she just isn't the warm and fuzzy sweet type? I keep thinking about how sweet she was as a little girl and how very close we were. Now I feel like she absolutely could care less about me. This is the really whiny party -- I feel like I made no difference in her life and that the last 19 years when I happily made her the center of my world I was fooling myself that it mattered. Her biological father has very little contact with her and they are not close. But you know what? I don't feel that she cares any more about me than she does him. I always thought that I was a good mother but now I just feel like I was naive and if I was a decent parent she would have to have some love for me, and not just the occasional contact when she wants/needs something.
I have a stressful job and am looking at a busy week. I can barely tolerate the thought of going to this job I hate when the only reason I've worked there for all these years was the financial security for my family. I feel like my world has really shifted and am struggling with just putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know, maybe I am the one with the problem. I just feel so sad. At work I just try to forget about it so I can get through the day, but I've always talked a lot about my daughter and I know that I will be asked about her as I will see some people I haven't seen in a while. I just feel like crying thinking about the whole situation and need a better plan to deal with it all. I just feel like calling in sick, going to bed and staying there forever.
Sorry this is so rambling. I thought maybe writing it would make me feel better. {Deep breath} thanks for listening.
It often starts out where she will twist something innocent that is said into a major insult and will spew the most hateful remarks. If you try to "logic" her into how she is blowing the situation out of proportion she gets literally hysterical, screaming and on a couple of occasions biting her arm or pressing her nails into her hand or arm until it breaks the skin. On many other occasions she will call our home and if someone doesn't answer she will leave very angry messages that she would appreciate it if we would answer when she calls (we ALWAYS call her back quickly when she leaves a message.) She gets angry if I call or email her (I'm bothering her) but if I don't call or email for a couple of days then she is offended. She used to be very organized and a very good student. Now she procrastinates until the last minute and either doesn't turn in assignments or turns in a mediocre product. It is always the professor being a jerk or giving stupid assignments, never her fault. She has periods, up to a few weeks, where things seem okay, but it doesn't last. If you try to even broach the subject that maybe she has a problem, that ends the "good" period.
She has a very patient, loving boyfriend. She has begun treating him as she does me, making him feel like he is walking on eggshells because you never know what will set her off. I am worried that as much as he loves her he is going break up with her. She is so demanding, and she has caused problems for him at work when she starts a huge argument via instant messenger, then insists he come see her to make up or that means he doesn't love her. She has even threatened to hurt herself if he doesn't. While on one hand he feels manipulated, he also feels that he can't ignore it. She has no idea that he has told me of this, but it is consistent with what I have seen. (Actually I think that she suspects it, as she was upset to learn that he has emailed me a few times -- not always directly about her, but initially regarding an issue he had that relates to what I do for a living -- and she told each of us that the other didn't really like them, and we probably shouldn't be talking.) He does not want to give her any sort of ultimatum that she get help, and I think he has doubts that psychology/psychiatry is really helpful. After an outburst, she acts like nothing happened. I NEVER get an apology, no matter how hurtful her comments.
She finally said last week that she thinks she may have ADD. I truly think that she came up with that because she thinks being depressed or having any sort of "mental illness" is embarassing or shows weakness. She asked me to make her an appointment with someone. I have made a ridiculous number of calls and 1)unless she is openly psychotic and/or suicidal she can't be seen for weeks by a psychiatrist, and 2)since she is a legal adult (19) SHE has to make her own appointment(s) and unless she specifically asks them to speak to me they won't.
I am so frustrated. She did call one place back that could see her sooner for a counseling session. She told the counselor none of the mood swings, anger issues, just that she was very forgetful. He gave her some basic organizational hints. Obviously that was a waste of time. I don't see her wanting me to go along, and she would get upset if I was honest with what I have seen and experienced if I did. I don't see her being honest with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
In the meantime, I have really started wondering if maybe she isn't mentally ill, maybe she just doesn't give a crap about me? Maybe I'm worrying myself to death and she just isn't the warm and fuzzy sweet type? I keep thinking about how sweet she was as a little girl and how very close we were. Now I feel like she absolutely could care less about me. This is the really whiny party -- I feel like I made no difference in her life and that the last 19 years when I happily made her the center of my world I was fooling myself that it mattered. Her biological father has very little contact with her and they are not close. But you know what? I don't feel that she cares any more about me than she does him. I always thought that I was a good mother but now I just feel like I was naive and if I was a decent parent she would have to have some love for me, and not just the occasional contact when she wants/needs something.
I have a stressful job and am looking at a busy week. I can barely tolerate the thought of going to this job I hate when the only reason I've worked there for all these years was the financial security for my family. I feel like my world has really shifted and am struggling with just putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know, maybe I am the one with the problem. I just feel so sad. At work I just try to forget about it so I can get through the day, but I've always talked a lot about my daughter and I know that I will be asked about her as I will see some people I haven't seen in a while. I just feel like crying thinking about the whole situation and need a better plan to deal with it all. I just feel like calling in sick, going to bed and staying there forever.
Sorry this is so rambling. I thought maybe writing it would make me feel better. {Deep breath} thanks for listening.
