Christmas Spending among family

[need2cruise]

I'm curious on how everyone does spending for adult children who DON'T live at home--when you have a situation of 2 sets of kids from ex spouses? The children were all mainly teens/adults when the divorces/marriages occured. And the parents now do Christmas w/ her kids one day, and then his kids another day.

Do you spend equally or just try to buy similar items? Would you buy a lot for one side and 1/4 of that amt for the others?

And how do you handle it if you are the adult child that gets say $30.00 spent on you, but you see your stepsiblings get $300 spent on them?

Christmas isn't about presents---but it also can cause some resentful feelings when you see this going on amongst the family!

Now-after imput--I'll give the scenrio that is going on! Thanks!

 

[pyrxtc]

You pretty much did just tell us what is going on. Maybe each parent bought for their own kids and one is a spender and one is not. It happens.

Sometimes you just ahve to suck it up and vent those hurt feelings to someone close/ if you can talk to yur parent then do that but otherwise there is nothing you can do to change it. Life is not fair or equal. that is why my mother gives the same amount of cash to everyone, kids, stepkid, and spouses.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If a family member is spending 300 on one child and 30 on another, that is deliberate. So, I would expect it to cause hurt feelings.

My dh has 5 stepsiblings. They live in another state and we don't really have much contact with them. (They are nice people and not greedy or anything like that.)

Although I am not talking Christmas gifts. We don't care about that. It is more about loss. We have not been with dh's father for Christmas in over 20+yrs.

My dh's father paid for college, sent them to live abroad for college, has bought them cars, etc...and I think gave my dh a total of 500. bucks toward his college.

Not that we expected anything, however it changed the relationship forever. We went on with life and let it go. Although there is that bur in the saddle.

 

[java]

Well my step mother got divorced from my Dad and after 20 years she doesn't want contact with any of us. So I get nothing. I would LOVE a card. I sent cards of the kids the first few years but after no response I just stopped. Clearly she didn't want contact.

 

[mumom95]

I've never been in this situation, but if I was, I would try to spend an approx. equal amount (I wouldn't worry about getting it to the exact penny, but in the general ballpark). I wouldn't worry so much about the number of items, adults realize some stuff cost more than others.

A $300 vs $30 difference is big. I know Christmas isn't about the money, but being so generous with one sibling over another (doesn't matter if they are step or not) is bound to cause hurt feelings. Yes, the parents have every right to spend their money how they want to, but they need to realize what can happen if they are so one sided.

The only time I could see this being ok is if one sibling was really hurting financially and the parents were using Christmas as a way of giving that person things they need to get by like clothes, gift cards etc. But if this was the case, I would pull the other siblings aside and explain what I was doing so they understood.

 

[kellyg403]

As a blended family and a stepchild myself I really think there are two sides to the story. As a child I was never 'treated' as the stepchild when Christmas and stuff came around. Mostly because my mom's family was the ones who really really celebrated Christmas. My dad's family not so much. So we never really expected much from them and honestly if the truth be known I can't even remember one Christmas dinner with them? Christmas just wasn't thier thing. You could ask them for anything though and I have several fond memories (dating myself here) my grandfather walked everyday to Woolworths for breakfast. In the summer he let me and my sister walk with him and bought us breakfast too. That was his way.

Now that I am a stepmother things are about the same. Dh and his ex never celebrated Christmas. Durning their marriage ex became a Jehoviah's Witness so they didn't for religious reason. Over time, that changed but the ex still does not celebrate holidays etc. Now, my children have a dad and mom who always were Christmas freaks. We didn't/don't buy much during the year but Christmas is the time for us. So, even though we are divorced the kids get from me and their dad and stepmom and aunts and uncles and grandparents. I try to give money to the girls because they are not getting those gifts elsewhere but honestly I don't have the funds to do that. It is never going to be even. Mostly because their mom's family doesn't do Christmas and no, they aren't all Jehoviah's Witness. Christmas just isn't their thing. Today I am going to West Union some cash to the two older girls and then send some cash to the other dd later in the week. I have picked up some things for grandd but I won't wrap since it will appear to be 'Christmas' like and send those. The one dd who lives with us will get her money and her gifts every couple days from me, no wrapped but gifts anyway. This year she is getting a new set of luggage, IPOD and few other things with a gift card.

I haven't answered the whole question but I just don't see how it is possible for people to 'make up' for those who don't enjoy or get into christmas like the some of us do. I save all year for this day. I love the season so. Its just me. But I totally understand there are some who do not. So maybe your bio parent is in charge of YOUR christmas and he/she is not a christmas person. Maybe the other bio parent has ALWAYS loved Christmas and does her thing. If the truth be known, if it is so hurtful...I would bring it up. You are all adults and it would be o.k. to say something. They may not realize that you see the difference...because it has ALWAYS been this way.

Kelly

 

[need2cruise]

Ok--yea--I guess I did give the scenrio without really saying which side of the family, etc it was going on with--so it's not really important! lol

But--we were approached this year with doing an exchange--where we just draw a name and buy for that person-$30 limit. No exchange with the dad and wife and they won't buy for each of his adult children--only stick to the name that is drawn. When asked who all was participating, her children aren't--she is still going to buy their gifts because they wouldn't "have fun" with that and her and the dad are "struggling" this year. Um-ok....could be that $10k wedding she paid for, among other things....but whatever......till we found out she bought her kids each a flat screen tv and a few other more expensive items-spending at LEAST $800-900 apiece on hers. But when it comes to the dad, he's limited to $60 total. But he doesn't speak up, he's a bit selfish as well and if he thinks he can get by with spending less...then so be it ya know? (and I don't think it's her limiting him-I think this was a joint decision)

Now, if we had tried something like this with dh's son and our kids.......whew--his dad would tear into dh about being "fair". lol But it's different for him I guess. But--I couldn't do that anyway---I have 3 kids, whether they are all mine or not--they will get spent the same amount for every Christmas into adulthood, end of story.

So-anyway--fast forward to now. There is hurt feelings all around, even things from the past are kinda be dug up (but not talked about to the dad-just in general).

So, do you address this stuff with dad? Just let it pass and let the resentment fade into the woodwork? Skip Christmas there?

It's really not about the presents at all, it's just about feeling 2nd class to the others now. It's been asked many times in the past, can we just not worry about gifts and spend time together, but they always want to do gifts. Now its..........spend as little on you and give us more for them......

Dh is hurt, his brother and sister is hurt........and I'm hearing all about it. I just don't know what suggestions to offer for it?

 

[johnsontrio]

I'm curious on how everyone does spending for adult children who DON'T live at home--when you have a situation of 2 sets of kids from ex spouses? The children were all mainly teens/adults when the divorces/marriages occured. And the parents now do Christmas w/ her kids one day, and then his kids another day.

Do you spend equally or just try to buy similar items? Would you buy a lot for one side and 1/4 of that amt for the others?

And how do you handle it if you are the adult child that gets say $30.00 spent on you, but you see your stepsiblings get $300 spent on them?

Christmas isn't about presents---but it also can cause some resentful feelings when you see this going on amongst the family!

Now-after imput--I'll give the scenrio that is going on! Thanks!

While I don't have any experience with step-sibs or any of that, I do recognize favoritism when I see it. Unfortunately, like many posters here, I have seen it play out in our immediate family concerning the grandchildren. It is deeply offensive to those children that get slighted and believe me they perceive it at a very young age.

After asking my Dh to speak to the chief offender, that person denying that it even exists and nothing being done differently as a result of the conversation, I have learned that the thing you have to change is yourself. I am not able to change the "corporate culture" that exists within this family. The only thing I can change is my attitude and my expectations. I have learned to only do what I can do with a loving, giving heart and without any expectation of something in return. This goes for time, talents, monetary items, etc... That way, I don't end up feeling cheated, unworthy or unloved.

As far as my DD goes, I have learned to avoid situations where the favoritism is in her face. She has come to expect it and knows it exists but I don't see any reason to subject her to that anymore than absolutely necessary. I have encouraged her to establish and foster other relationships in which she experiences love and acceptance to replace the extended family.

to you if you are "the children" that are not monetarily worth what the other children are. It is hurtful. It also is probably not the only way you are devalued. I would advise you to make changes to the relationship that make it less hurtful to you. Only invest what you can without worrying about what is coming back to you, emotionally, financially, time-wise, etc. Nurture those other relationships that make you and your family feel loved. Good luck. Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

 

[NMAmy]

DH has an adult daughter who lives in England. I have a dd in college who lives with us during the breaks.

I've always tried to keep things pretty even with the girls even though since they live in different countries, they're not comparing stuff.

Could it be that each parent is buying the gifts for their own child and not realizing that the other is spending more? Or each is spending out of their own accounts and one can afford more than the other?

 

[kellyg403]

DH has an adult daughter who lives in England. I have a dd in college who lives with us during the breaks.

I've always tried to keep things pretty even with the girls even though since they live in different countries, they're not comparing stuff.

Could it be that each parent is buying the gifts for their own child and not realizing that the other is spending more? Or each is spending out of their own accounts and one can afford more than the other?

This was what I was wondering as well. DH doesn't get into Christmas at all. Never had to really. So, I save all my Christmas money in a different account and do what I want. I buy and send what I can. I don't send the adult children the same I send for my grandd. The cash itself won't cover what I have/will send grandd. The reality is that my kids will always get more because of their extended family. The reality is that my stepkids probably will not since it is not a 'holiday' of that nature for them. During the year I send money about once a month to them for things. So, actually I feel I 'do' even things out just a little at a time.

Kelly

 

[dsny1mom]

It depends.

If the bio parent of each set of adult children finances their own chidren's gifts it is up to them to spend what they want, and that might cause a disparity in the amount spent on each set of adult kids.

If the couple comingles their funds and they together buy for both sets then there should be equal amounts spent on both sets.

As far as hurt feelings go:

Our children always got less than their cousins from their father's side of the family. They would say they buy less for our kids because we were financially better off than his siblings and my side of the family. We all spent simlar amount on our own kids, but they all had alienated their inlaws so their kids didn't get anything from their inlaws.

When our children were older teens and they could see the disparity (ie: our kids got a pair of gloves from KMart and their cousins got entire outfits from Marshal Fields) we explained to them why and while they understood they have always felt their cousins were favored by their father's side of the family. IMHO they were. Giving a gift shouldn't be determined by what additional gifts the recipient will receive from others.

In our case if my inlaws wanted to do more for their other children and their kids then they should have done it privately (give the parents of the kids money for additional gifts, etc.), as oppossed to making our kids feel lesser on Christmas Eve.

dsny1mom

 

[kellyg403]

It depends.

In our case if my inlaws wanted to do more for their other children and their kids then they should have done it privately (give the parents of the kids money for additional gifts, etc.), as oppossed to making our kids feel lesser on Christmas Eve.

dsny1mom

I agree with this, if everyone is getting things differently then privately is the way to go.

I was wondering OP, if there are separate Christmas...i.e. mom with her kids one day and dad with his the next, how do you guys know what is being spent? Is there a lot of bragging? Not that that makes a difference.

This is such a hard thing..adult or otherwise. I would definitely recommend sitting down with dad and letting him know how you guys feel. He may literally not understand how it is upsetting you.

Christmas seems to bring out all the family things we avoid all year. Its so hard as a stepparent with adult stepchildren to know what to do. Especially the dynamics of each family. Does your dh's mom do a big christmas as well?

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok--yea--I guess I did give the scenrio without really saying which side of the family, etc it was going on with--so it's not really important! lol

But--we were approached this year with doing an exchange--where we just draw a name and buy for that person-$30 limit. No exchange with the dad and wife and they won't buy for each of his adult children--only stick to the name that is drawn. When asked who all was participating, her children aren't--she is still going to buy their gifts because they wouldn't "have fun" with that and her and the dad are "struggling" this year. Um-ok....could be that $10k wedding she paid for, among other things....but whatever......till we found out she bought her kids each a flat screen tv and a few other more expensive items-spending at LEAST $800-900 apiece on hers. But when it comes to the dad, he's limited to $60 total. But he doesn't speak up, he's a bit selfish as well and if he thinks he can get by with spending less...then so be it ya know? (and I don't think it's her limiting him-I think this was a joint decision)

Now, if we had tried something like this with dh's son and our kids.......whew--his dad would tear into dh about being "fair". lol But it's different for him I guess. But--I couldn't do that anyway---I have 3 kids, whether they are all mine or not--they will get spent the same amount for every Christmas into adulthood, end of story.

So-anyway--fast forward to now. There is hurt feelings all around, even things from the past are kinda be dug up (but not talked about to the dad-just in general).

So, do you address this stuff with dad? Just let it pass and let the resentment fade into the woodwork? Skip Christmas there?

It's really not about the presents at all, it's just about feeling 2nd class to the others now. It's been asked many times in the past, can we just not worry about gifts and spend time together, but they always want to do gifts. Now its..........spend as little on you and give us more for them......

Dh is hurt, his brother and sister is hurt........and I'm hearing all about it. I just don't know what suggestions to offer for it?

OK...my suggestion to you is to let them vent and offer no solution or suggestion. Instead, you give them hugs and understanding and follow their lead.

It takes awhile for solutions like this to settle with the sibs.

It does change the relationship. That is the nature of the situation. How it changes will probably take awhile.

I have learned that supporting my spouse thru his hurt is far more valuable than trying to "fix it". This is something that you canot "fix".

 

[need2cruise]

They say they have separate accounts, however I know hers is gone after that wedding, because we were over when she had to take a loan out to pay something. She makes a LOT less than the dad does, and if they divided the bills equally, she wouldn't have much money left. I do find it interesting, she made it known to everyone SHE was paying for the wedding out of her own pocket, but now that it's Christmas, "they" are struggling because they had to pay for the wedding, and a few other expenses....so who knows?

We do see the favorites too in our family with the grandkids. And this is the first time it was just put in everyones faces among the adults with their own kids. How'd I marry in to this? lol

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They say they have separate accounts, however I know hers is gone after that wedding, because we were over when she had to take a loan out to pay something. She makes a LOT less than the dad does, and if they divided the bills equally, she wouldn't have much money left. I do find it interesting, she made it known to everyone SHE was paying for the wedding out of her own pocket, but now that it's Christmas, "they" are struggling because they had to pay for the wedding, and a few other expenses....so who knows?

We do see the favorites too in our family with the grandkids. And this is the first time it was just put in everyones faces among the adults with their own kids. How'd I marry in to this? lol

Let it lie and be supportive, trust me. The sibs have to be the ones to carve the path.

 

[kellyg403]

How'd I marry in to this? lol

And that would be the 64 dollar question...if there was a questionaire I could have filled out in the beginning..well things may not be the same...

This IS a difficult situation. I can understand how hurt your dh and sibs are. Just be there for them and remember, you and dh can have a sib Christmas too!

Kelly

 

[need2cruise]

Thanks for the advise on just being there. I felt like I should be offering advise--but I LOVE just staying out of it-and letting them vent and not having to offer solutions! (that way it doesnt blow up on me in the long run lol)

I guess I need to learn, I can't offer fix it advise for everything! lol

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the advise on just being there. I felt like I should be offering advise--but I LOVE just staying out of it-and letting them vent and not having to offer solutions! (that way it doesnt blow up on me in the long run lol)

I guess I need to learn, I can't offer fix it advise for everything! lol

The reason you stay out of it is because it is very painful for your dh. Best to support him thru it.

And to look at it honestly, what can you do to "fix it"? Nothing.

So you move on to acceptance of reality. That may be quick or never. Point is that your dh has to decide his path. The best approach for you is to hold his hand down it.

 

[ilovejack02]

My oldest stepson is 20. He is out of the house of course and while I adore him he isnt that involved with us right now. Busy with his own life as young adults get.

I am spending 300 on him this year.. give or take a bit.

My baby is 7 and I am spending more on him, not on purpose but that just usually happens since we have such a gap in age. There are alot more toys out there for 7 yr olds.

My family tries to keep it about the same. My mom might spend 75.00 on the DS7, but DSS20 gets 50.00 in cash and prob his fav . candy or some other small treat . Same with the other grandparents and all the rest of the family.


I am not sure how Dh would handle the shopping for DSS20, I just do it all , but to discuss with him on what to get him.. but If i didnt do it lol, it wouldnt get done.
DH is a Christmas eve shopper


It amazes me that people could be so rude, but I know it happens.

 

[Angelhalo]

I am 30, my brother is 28 and my husband is 37. My mom and dad spend about $500 each on us. My husband and I set our limit on each other at $300 this year (but I know we both ended up going ever budget! LOL!). Hope that helps


ETA: I didn't read the whole thread until after I posted, so my post probably wasn't very helpful. Sorry!