Christmas drama ALREADY!!!!!*New Update*POST 86*

[tlbwriter]

I say you get really gracious and convince your sister that she could co-host at your house for one of the events and bring her whole family.

She *did* offer that as an option, and it was rejected.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I am not getting it across well, that my sister and my mom want everyone in our family together for both days, which is why I offered to do both meals at my house or go out to eat or let my sister cook at my house.

I , on the other hand, am fine with it just being my hubby and kids for Christmas dinner.

Its hard not to invite my parents and brother for dinner, since they stay with me in my home.

What?! You might have said that right away.

Again, my answer is going to be the same. You have to just lay down the law and if your mom and brother want to go over to your sister's you have to allow them to do so.

They are feeling guilty either way so you have to get it across to them that it is OK to go over to sister's house and leave you guys in your own home.

 

[padams]

You are not seeing that you ARE trying to control things. I can't say it any plainer. This is why you are having problems. See bolded.

You have to let it go and not "come up with alternatives". That is where you are being labeled the "control person" and getting into hot water with the family.

Stop coming up with alternatives and allow people to make their own plans and decisions.

All you need to do is say, I am hosting on C. Eve and we are declining C. Day at sister's house....the end.

Allow your family the freedom to figure things out on their own.

It will be rough at first but it will fall into place. Good Luck!

 

[disneystacy]

What?! You might have said that right away.

Again, my answer is going to be the same. You have to just lay down the law and if your mom and brother want to go over to your sister's you have to allow them to do so.

They are feeling guilty either way so you have to get it across to them that it is OK to go over to sister's house and leave you guys in your own home.

Sorry, yes my whole family stays with me(other than sister) when they come to visit.

I have no problem with anyone going to my sisters house for Christmas dinner, BUT my brother's wife and daughter are also allergic to the cats, so they don't want to go and suffer, and my mother and sister want everyone together. Actually my mother doesn't want to hurt my sisters feelings but she would rather not be with the inlaws both days either. Like I said, my mom is in the middle.

Nobody told my sister she couldn't host dinner, I just told her we couldn't attend due to hubby's allergies. SHE said she wants everyone together, THATS when I offered to host everyone at my home.

I would still have a problem even without the allergies because we (my family) don't want to spend the whole holiday every year with my sisters inlaws.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry, yes my whole family stays with me(other than sister) when they come to visit.

I have no problem with anyone going to my sisters house for Christmas dinner, BUT my brother's wife and daughter are also allergic to the cats, so they don't want to go and suffer, and my mother and sister want everyone together. Actually my mother doesn't want to hurt my sisters feelings but she would rather not be with the inlaws both days either. Like I said, my mom is in the middle.

Nobody told my sister she couldn't host dinner, I just told her we couldn't attend due to hubby's allergies. SHE said she wants everyone together, THATS when I offered to host everyone at my home.

I would still have a problem even without the allergies because we (my family) don't want to spend the whole holiday every year with my sisters inlaws.

Again, STOP OFFERING TO HOST! This is where your problem is.

Allow sister to be disappointed and your mom to choose where she wants to go.

You cannot make everyone happy here.

 

[zippitydoo]

Your solution is the best option. You do not need to spend both Christmas Eve and Day with your sister's inlaws. The allergies got to be considered nobody wants to be uncomfortable durings the holidays.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Go to IHOP!

I have decided this is the solution for almost all holiday drama.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Sorry, yes my whole family stays with me(other than sister) when they come to visit.

I have no problem with anyone going to my sisters house for Christmas dinner, BUT my brother's wife and daughter are also allergic to the cats, so they don't want to go and suffer, and my mother and sister want everyone together. Actually my mother doesn't want to hurt my sisters feelings but she would rather not be with the inlaws both days either. Like I said, my mom is in the middle.

Nobody told my sister she couldn't host dinner, I just told her we couldn't attend due to hubby's allergies. SHE said she wants everyone together, THATS when I offered to host everyone at my home.

I would still have a problem even without the allergies because we (my family) don't want to spend the whole holiday every year with my sisters inlaws.

Since you and your mom (and possibly your brother as well) are on the same page regarding spending holidays with the in-laws, maybe both(all) of you should talk to your sister the next time you are all together. It is completely reasonable for you to not want to spend holidays with her in-laws. She has to understand that. And if she doesn't and is hurt, that is on her.

Your sister made the choice to have cats knowing that several family members are allergic. And she now has to live with the fact that she will not be hosting holidays for any of your family beyond your parents.

Make plans with your brother and his family for Christmas at your house and let your parents and sister decide what they want to do. Forget the in-laws. They are not your responsibility.

 

[C.Ann]

I think your solution is the best..

As for the whole allergies thing.. In my book, allergies/health issues trump everything else.. I have health issues of my own - that require certain conditions and modifications.. I manage my own health issues and make no requests that anyone else rearranges things or makes modifications on my behalf.. I'm the one with the problems - it's up to me to manage them to the best of my ability.. So if situations arise that would escalate and/or complicate my problems, I simply remove myself from the situation or don't go where I know I will have problems.. I give your DH a lot of credit for "trying" in the past, but in the future, I just wouldn't go to her home if I were him.. His health (and that of the SIL and neice) trumps everything else.. Christmas Eve at your house - so the whole family can be together - and Christmas Day she entertains the others at her home.. It's a fair solution and if she's not happy about it, maybe she should have thought about that before getting these cats when she knew there were not one, but three people in that family that would no longer be able to come to her home..

 

[DisneyScraps]

Your sister is being unreasonable. Your husband is allergic to cats, she has a cat. He won't be comfortable there, it could ruin his entire day. You didn't choose this it's just the way it is.

Lisa

 

[disneystacy]

OP here:

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, it is always so hard in these situations.
Unfortunately my family (sister and mother) have been watching too many Christmas movies where everyone is one big happy family. Reality is people have other ideas or issues which may put a damper on what "they" want to do.

Just to clarify though, I only offered to do both holiday meals once to my sister as a option during the initial phone call when I informed her we couldn't be at her home due to the allergies, I did not continue to hound her about it or bring it up again. I have spoken to my sister since and she has not mentioned what her plans are nor did I ask.

If I don't hear anything I will wait a week and then let everyone know I need to have a answer as to who will be where by Thanksgiving, this way I can do all my shopping and preparing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP here:

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, it is always so hard in these situations.
Unfortunately my family (sister and mother) have been watching too many Christmas movies where everyone is one big happy family. Reality is people have other ideas or issues which may put a damper on what "they" want to do.

Just to clarify though, I only offered to do both holiday meals once to my sister as a option during the initial phone call when I informed her we couldn't be at her home due to the allergies, I did not continue to hound her about it or bring it up again. I have spoken to my sister since and she has not mentioned what her plans are nor did I ask.

If I don't hear anything I will wait a week and then let everyone know I need to have a answer as to who will be where by Thanksgiving, this way I can do all my shopping and preparing.

Your sister and mother are just going to have to get over it.

Just remember the phrase....

"I am going to be hosting C. Eve and need a headcount." DO NOT bring up the C. Day dinner.

When sister and mother ask you about it tell them that you are staying home due to the cat allergy. Mom you are more than welcome to head over to sister's for C Day. Just let me know your decision later.

Repeat this over and over and over and over until it sinks into their heads. It will get easier to stand your ground with time.

Sister just has to get over the fact she got a cat which makes her house off limits for holidays with your family unfortunately.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Your sister and mother are just going to have to get over it.

Just remember the phrase....

"I am going to be hosting C. Eve and need a headcount." DO NOT bring up the C. Day dinner.

When sister and mother ask you about it tell them that you are staying home due to the cat allergy. Mom you are more than welcome to head over to sister's for C Day. Just let me know your decision later.

Repeat this over and over and over and over until it sinks into their heads. It will get easier to stand your ground with time.

Sister just has to get over the fact she got a cat which makes her house off limits for holidays with your family unfortunately.

Perfect answer!!!!!!!!!

OP - perfect advice right here! Plain and simple!!

 

[disneystacy]

Your sister and mother are just going to have to get over it.

Just remember the phrase....

"I am going to be hosting C. Eve and need a headcount." DO NOT bring up the C. Day dinner.

When sister and mother ask you about it tell them that you are staying home due to the cat allergy. Mom you are more than welcome to head over to sister's for C Day. Just let me know your decision later.

Repeat this over and over and over and over until it sinks into their heads. It will get easier to stand your ground with time.

Sister just has to get over the fact she got a cat which makes her house off limits for holidays with your family unfortunately.

That is what I plan to do...I will update when I know whats what. Thanks!
One more question for all the experts:

Our adult family exchanges gifts with each other Chritmas Eve. "Santa" comes in the morning for the kids gifts. What do we do about my sisters inlaws? It will be kind of awkward to open gifts in front of them. I'm sure they will bring something for me (for hosting) but do we all get them a little something( my mom and brother too)? Do I just let them open the gift from my sister to them and go about my business? I usually have bottles of wine wrapped and ready to go for unexpected gifts, but they don't drink.
Thanks again.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I told my mom I would be having Christmas Eve and Christmas day meals at my house. They are more than welcome to join us or not completely up to them.

I will tell everyone that they need to let me know what they are doing and who is eating here by Thanksgiving, so I can plan my meals accordingly.

OP, I am the one who originally posted the current issues you are creating here for yourself.

And, what MM is posting is SPOT ON.
Edited to add: I now see that you have decided not to ask for any commitments ...
But, will leave the rest of this post so you can see WHY this is the right thing to do.....

Look at the above...
There is no way to make it any plainer...
Your sister is issuing an official invite... AND YOU ARE, NOW, BEFORE THANKSGIVING, ASKING FOR A HEAD COUNT OF WHO WILL COME TO YOUR CHRISTMAS DINNER INSTEAD OF HERS.

Sorry, but big excuses and justifications, even 'good intentions', do not change the fact that a mistake is a mistake.

There is simply NO need for any head-count.
If family/friends are staying at your home, you should, very simply, be well stocked for any eventuality.

In all honesty, you simply do not seem to know when to bow out..
You don't seem to be able to acknowledge that you are WAY overinvolved here.

PS: NOBODY.... NOBODY.... better have any reasonable expectation that myself (and everyone else) has to be committed for BOTH full days of Christmas.
Been there, done that, with my inlaws...

Even if your mother and you sister might hope that everyone is together for the entire time... that only makes them seem more overinvolved and controlling.

NOTE: I really have no expectation that the OP, or her sister, or her mother, will 'get it'. Experience has taught me better.
I've seen a few of these 'situations'.

If what the OP is posting is really true, then I am wondering if there is a family-wide systemic problem with control and lack of boundaries.

OP, as others are posting...
The only advice that we can offer at this point can be summed up in a few words... "Learn when to BOW OUT" and how to do it firmly (yet gracefully).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is what I plan to do...I will update when I know whats what. Thanks!
One more question for all the experts:

Our adult family exchanges gifts with each other Chritmas Eve. "Santa" comes in the morning for the kids gifts. What do we do about my sisters inlaws? It will be kind of awkward to open gifts in front of them. I'm sure they will bring something for me (for hosting) but do we all get them a little something( my mom and brother too)? Do I just let them open the gift from my sister to them and go about my business? I usually have bottles of wine wrapped and ready to go for unexpected gifts, but they don't drink.
Thanks again.

You go about doing your family tradition and that is about it. For the love of all things, do not buy them anything! Are you trying to torture yourself?

I see you have a hard time with change like your mom and sister. You are also tempted to want things to be "portrait perfect". Learning how to deal with awkwardness is something that your family needs to learn.

Think of this Christmas as teaching you life lessons. Yes it will be a little awkward however you will survive it.

Oh and if you are feeling ANY guilt, just remember that your gift to them is hosting them in your home.

 

[Wishing on a star]

For the love of all things, do not buy them anything! Are you trying to torture yourself?

Too funny!!!!!

But, once again, excellent words of wisdom in the entire post...

 

[disneystacy]

OP, I am the one who originally posted the current issues you are creating here for yourself.

And, what MM is posting is SPOT ON.
Edited to add: I now see that you have decided not to ask for any commitments ...
But, will leave the rest of this post so you can see WHY this is the right thing to do.....

Look at the above...
There is no way to make it any plainer...
Your sister is issuing an official invite... AND YOU ARE, NOW, BEFORE THANKSGIVING, ASKING FOR A HEAD COUNT OF WHO WILL COME TO YOUR CHRISTMAS DINNER INSTEAD OF HERS.

Sorry, but big excuses and justifications, even 'good intentions', do not change the fact that a mistake is a mistake.

There is simply NO need for any head-count.
If family/friends are staying at your home, you should, very simply, be well stocked for any eventuality.

In all honesty, you simply do not seem to know when to bow out..
You don't seem to be able to acknowledge that you are WAY overinvolved here.

PS: NOBODY.... NOBODY.... better have any reasonable expectation that myself (and everyone else) has to be committed for BOTH full days of Christmas.
Been there, done that, with my inlaws...

Even if your mother and you sister might hope that everyone is together for the entire time... that only makes them seem more overinvolved and controlling.

NOTE: I really have no expectation that the OP, or her sister, or her mother, will 'get it'. Experience has taught me better.
I've seen a few of these 'situations'.

If what the OP is posting is really true, then I am wondering if there is a family-wide systemic problem with control and lack of boundaries.

OP, as others are posting...
The only advice that we can offer at this point can be summed up in a few words... "Learn when to BOW OUT" and how to do it firmly (yet gracefully).

Thank you for your opinion.

 

[sunnyday123]

Again, STOP OFFERING TO HOST! This is where your problem is.

Allow sister to be disappointed and your mom to choose where she wants to go.

You cannot make everyone happy here.

THIS. You can't make everyone happy, and think how RELAXING the holidays would be if it was just you, your DH, and your kids. Eat Christmas dinner in your pj's, let the dog sit at the table, whatever.

Either that, or switch to Judaism real quick.

 

[TLuvsD]

We have a very small immediate family. And a huge, complicated extended family. I issue invitations, people accept or decline and life goes on.

Ask everyone to C. Eve. Provide a token gift to BIL's folks...a box of candy, some cookies, scented candle, whatever. Do not mention C. dinner.

Let your parents and brother decide for themselves what to do on Christmas. I'd call my brother on the qt and let him know that dinner is avaliable at my house if SIL and neice don't want to risk the cat allergy, but no hurt feelings if they want to go.

For future invitations to your sister's inlaws, No thank you. repeat as necessary, change the subject,whatever. It could be that your sister feels obligated to her inlaws but wants to see you as well on the holidays. Her solution is to have everyone together. If that doesn't work for you, no thank you. If you get the 20 Questions, tell her you don't want to play 20 Questions, you hope they have a great holiday and maybe her family and yours should get together for a movie/pizza/dinner whatever. Change the subject. If necessary just get off the phone. Thats what Dh does with his sister. She tends to "ambush" him with things (MIL has Alzhimers, SIL somehow can never help out over a holiday---even when she's promised). I've taught him not to reply immediately--I've got another call coming in, oops there goes the timer, whatever. Gives him time to think and then reply. Makes a huge difference.

Whatever you decide, you will get through this. Christmas will come, kids will be happy, you will see your family, etc. I hope you have a great holiday.