Christmas drama ALREADY!!!!!*New Update*POST 86*

[robinb]

Nice idea but depending on the level of allergy it wouldn't be enough.

Yes ... but it really does take both sides to try it. If it doesn't work, the OP and her family drive home. No harm no foul. It's not like they have traveled overnight and are staying at the house .

ETA: I just think there is room here for a possibility of comprise so the OP and her sister can both have the party they want while the allergic people's health is also taken into account. Honestly, I don't see where the OP hosting her own regular party, refusing to go to the sister's house for her party and keeping the parents with her because she has the grandkids is really any kind of "compromise".

FWIW, I really can sympathize with the OP. My sister (and her bird, 3 cats and 4 dogs) hosts Thanksgiving. I can handle it for the few hours I am there as long as I start taking drugs a few days before I go. It's worth it to me to spend time with my family.

ETA2: OP, did your DH convert to Christianity? Does Christmas even matter to him? Could you and your kids possibly got to your sister's house for an hour or two for dessert and leave your DH at home?

 

[disneystacy]

Yes ... but it really does take both sides to try it. If it doesn't work, the OP and her family drive home. No harm no foul. It's not like they have traveled overnight and are staying at the house .

Honestly, I don't see where the OP hosting her own regular party, refusing to go to the sister's house for her party and keeping the parents with her because she has the grandkids is really any kind of "compromise".

FWIW, I really can sympathize with the OP. My sister (and her bird, 3 cats and 4 dogs) hosts Thanksgiving. I can handle it for the few hours I am there as long as I start taking drugs a few days before I go. It's worth it to me to spend time with my family.

We have tried it, over the summer. My sister has 2 cats and they are all over the house. My sister cleaned, vaccuumed and put the cats in another room, hubby took drugs. Still couldn't breathe. Had to stay outside, thankfully it was summer.

 

[ksjayhawks]

So I guess my question is two-fold:
Going foward, do you feel my family should be required to spend the holidays with my sisters husbands family?( I am ok with one day, but 2 is a bit much imo)

How do I make my sister understand that allergies are not something we choose to have, she decided to adopt cats knowing half the family is allergic, so concessions would have to be made based on her decisions?

My solution is I host Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for my family. My sister comes to us on Christmas Eve and she spends Christmas Day with her hubby's family cooking her christmas dinner.
Does anyone have another suggestion?

Thanks.

To answer your questions, no, your family should not be required to spend the holidays with bil's family. There is nothing wrong with wanting time with just your family.

She needs to realize that since 3 or 4 of you are allergic to cats, if she wants you all to come over, she will have to thoroughly clean the house and then keep the cats in one room for several days before the event, as well as on the day of the event. Is she willing to do this? That is a lot of work, especially at such a busy time of the year.

I like your solution:
Christmas Eve at your house with your side of the family
Christmas Day she spends with her dh's family at her house; your parents could spend some of the day at each house

There is nothing wrong with dsis and dbil splitting time with both families. In fact, that is what happens in most families.

If dh and the others who are allergic can handle the cats for a short length of time, perhaps you all could drop by for dessert for an hour or so. OOPS--just read your post, so guess this option won't work.

 

[disneystacy]

Yes ... but it really does take both sides to try it. If it doesn't work, the OP and her family drive home. No harm no foul. It's not like they have traveled overnight and are staying at the house .

ETA: I just think there is room here for a possibility of comprise so the OP and her sister can both have the party they want while the allergic people's health is also taken into account. Honestly, I don't see where the OP hosting her own regular party, refusing to go to the sister's house for her party and keeping the parents with her because she has the grandkids is really any kind of "compromise".

FWIW, I really can sympathize with the OP. My sister (and her bird, 3 cats and 4 dogs) hosts Thanksgiving. I can handle it for the few hours I am there as long as I start taking drugs a few days before I go. It's worth it to me to spend time with my family.

ETA2: OP, did your DH convert to Christianity? Does Christmas even matter to him? Could you and your kids possibly got to your sister's house for an hour or two for dessert and leave your DH at home?

I will not be leaving my husband on Christmas, sorry not a option. Yes he celebrates Christmas.

We will be seeing my sister Christmas Eve. No one has to stay at my house for Christmas dinner. I have no problem with anyone going to my sisters.
I also suggested we eat out for Christmas and it was a no go.

 

[robinb]

We have tried it, over the summer. My sister has 2 cats and they are all over the house. My sister cleaned, vaccuumed and put the cats in another room, hubby took drugs. Still couldn't breathe. Had to stay outside, thankfully it was summer.

Well, bummer . I guess you gave it a good try. In that case, your sister should be understanding why your DH can't go to her house for Christmas dinner.

 

[disneystacy]

To answer your questions, no, your family should not be required to spend the holidays with bil's family. There is nothing wrong with wanting time with just your family.

She needs to realize that since 3 or 4 of you are allergic to cats, if she wants you all to come over, she will have to thoroughly clean the house and then keep the cats in one room for several days before the event, as well as on the day of the event. Is she willing to do this? That is a lot of work, especially at such a busy time of the year.

I like your solution:
Christmas Eve at your house with your side of the family
Christmas Day she spends with her dh's family at her house; your parents could spend som
e of the day at each house

There is nothing wrong with dsis and dbil splitting time with both families. In fact, that is what happens in most families.

If dh and the others who are allergic can handle the cats for a short length of time, perhaps you all could drop by for dessert for an hour or so. OOPS--just read your post, so guess this option won't work.

My sister and BIL won't keep the cats locked up for any lenth of time. One of the cats is extremely nasty and I asked that it be kept in a separate room when my kids are around (already attacked my son). We where there visiting and my dumb BIL let out the cat from the room (on purpose) and it attacked his mother. Thats another story all together though.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

My sister and BIL won't keep the cats locked up for any lenth of time. One of the cats is extremely nasty and I asked that it be kept in a separate room when my kids are around (already attacked my son). We where there visiting and my dumb BIL let out the cat from the room (on purpose) and it attacked his mother. Thats another story all together though.

Polite left the building last Christmas. Your sister is aware of the allergies and she doesn't care. She is being very selfish. Why subject yourself and those allergic to this nonsense? Tell your sister your compromise, if she doesn't like it, too bad for her. Let your parents decide for themselves where they want to spend Christmas Day. Don't let her selfishness ruin your holiday.

As one who suffers from allergies, I understand. I hate the meds, I am half asleep for most of the time. Not my favorite way to spend time.

 

[malibuconlee]

It sounds like your sister just is excited to host Christmas dinner again. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think the biggest roadblock is your DH's, SIL and niece's allergies to the cats. Is your sister willing to lock the cats up in a room and clean the rest of the house? I think if she's willing to try and all the allergic people are willing to take antihistamines then it's worth a go. Otherwise, you will end up sticking your parents in the middle and that's not fair to them.

That's the thing people don't understand. For me, to even be in a house that has the cat dander I have to take zyrtec for a WEEK before the event. I think it's a bit much (and before it was OTC it was pretty expensive because it was on my non-formulary list )

For me vacuuming and hiding the cats just doesn't work. I can last maybe an hour, anything after that and I'm absolutely miserable for 3 days. Just not worth it for me. I developed my allergy as an adult less than 10 years ago and the in-laws really don't understand just how miserable I am because before I would be at their house all the time. Luckily the moved!

 

[Christine]

I'm allergic to cats. I would not go.

Kudos to your husband, though, for trying last time. I wouldn't have even tried. Been there, done that, won't ever go to a "cat" home again. It's just not worth the 2 days of misery I get (the effects last for a day or two).

Lots of people without cat allergies don't get it. I have a few friends with cats and the really don't believe it almost. I'm done trying to convince them.

 

[disneystacy]

I'm allergic to cats. I would not go.

Kudos to your husband, though, for trying last time. I wouldn't have even tried. Been there, done that, won't ever go to a "cat" home again. It's just not worth the 2 days of misery I get (the effects last for a day or two).

Lots of people without cat allergies don't get it. I have a few friends with cats and the really don't believe it almost. I'm done trying to convince them.

I think my sister doesn't think its that big of a deal for my hubby. My mom doesn't really even get it. My mom even thinks that by locking the cats in another room the allergy simply "disappears".

My brilliant mom had a great idea - We all drive a hour to my sisters. My hubby, SIL and niece wait in the car until dinner is put on the table. They all comes in and eat. Then everyone except my parents and my kids (I have to leave my kids) drive a hour home. My parents stay and enjoy dessert with my kids, sister and everyone else.

 

[ilovejack02]

My vote is stay home as a family and enjoy the peace and quiet . : )

But that is always my vote lol, my family learned long ago don't DARE try to drag me into holiday drama.

 

[RachaelA]

I think my sister doesn't think its that big of a deal for my hubby. My mom doesn't really even get it. My mom even thinks that by locking the cats in another room the allergy simply "disappears".

My brilliant mom had a great idea - We all drive a hour to my sisters. My hubby, SIL and niece wait in the car until dinner is put on the table. They all comes in and eat. Then everyone except my parents and my kids (I have to leave my kids) drive a hour home. My parents stay and enjoy dessert with my kids, sister and everyone else.

She seriously thought that was an idea???

 

[TwinsinCA]

People have already covered the allergy issue. I only wanted to add that I would call your SIL and discuss it with her since she and her daughter would also have the allergy issue. That way your DH is not the only "bad guy".

I would also have a big problem spending the holiday with your sister's in-laws. SHE married into that family, you didn't. Period. My SIL is like your sister and thinks "the more the merrier". Well, maybe for HER and her Dh and kids. But for the rest of us? Not so much. I now dread holidays with my in-laws because it is never just my in-laws but my SIL's DH's family too.

You are lucky that this is your sister and you can be blunt about wanting to keep it your family only. I can't really say anything to my SIL.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok so here is the situation.


My family and my sister and her hubby live in NC. Our parents and brother/sil/niece live in NY. My parents and brother/sil/niece always come to NC for Christmas. My SIL 's family live out of the country, my inlaws are Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas. Anyhoo...

Normally I host both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day since for the past few years I was the only one with a home in NC.

My sister and her hubby bought a home last year and wanted to host Christmas dinner. So I did Christmas Eve with our family and my sister hosted Christmas dinner with all of us and her hubby's family as well. Now her hubby and his family are ok people, not really our type of people (kind of stick in the muds who sat on there laptops for most of the day(rude)) but we get along....anyhoo.....

This year my sister asked if her inlaws could come to my home for Christmas Eve since they would be alone(other son is not coming home for Christmas). I agreed, that was fine, no one should be alone. My sister then tells me she will be hosting Christmas dinner again for everyone. Here is where the problem comes in.....My sister adopted cats....my hubby is deathly allergic as well as my SIL and niece. The last time we were at my sisters poor hubby had to sit outside (even after he took a allergy pill).
I explained to my sister that because of hubby's allergy as well as SIL's and niece, we would have to come up with a different plan. My sister was insulted and said "well I guess I can never host Christmas dinner".

Now my feeling is she can host Christmas dinner with his family, no one will be insulted. I nor the rest of my family are really not that keen on spending our entire holiday with BIL's family anyway. I feel she has a obligation to be with them. Most families I know split the holiday anyway between the families. Maybe they don't want to spend the whole holiday with us either.

BTW - I offered to do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner at my home and invite everyone this year, just to keep the peace, but vI don't want this to be my job every year. My sister is mad.

So I guess my question is two-fold:
Going foward, do you feel my family should be required to spend the holidays with my sisters husbands family?( I am ok with one day, but 2 is a bit much imo)

How do I make my sister understand that allergies are not something we choose to have, she decided to adopt cats knowing half the family is allergic, so concessions would have to be made based on her decisions?

My solution is I host Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for my family. My sister comes to us on Christmas Eve and she spends Christmas Day with her hubby's family cooking her christmas dinner.
Does anyone have another suggestion?

Thanks.

I like your solution and I would leave it at that. Sister needs to understand that her house is off limits for your family for hosting, the end.

The fact she is mad is really a non issue and her temper tantrum will not change things.

 

[sunnyday123]

Honestly, after reading your posts, it sounds like either way won't work for her. As a 3 cat family, I would not get mad if anyone refused an invitation to my home because of an allergy. I always ask if DD is having a sleep over if there are any allergies or fears ( 3 cats, 1 giant dog) because it is more frequent than people realize.

I swear every year I'm going to become Jewish for the next holiday just to avoid my family during the holidays.

 

[disneystacy]

She seriously thought that was an idea???

Yes, my mother thought that it would be fine for us to just eat and run as long as I left my kids with her. Crazy I tell ya

 

[rie'smom]

I think my sister doesn't think its that big of a deal for my hubby. My mom doesn't really even get it. My mom even thinks that by locking the cats in another room the allergy simply "disappears".

My brilliant mom had a great idea - We all drive a hour to my sisters. My hubby, SIL and niece wait in the car until dinner is put on the table. They all comes in and eat. Then everyone except my parents and my kids (I have to leave my kids) drive a hour home. My parents stay and enjoy dessert with my kids, sister and everyone else.

Do we share a mom? Mine would say something like this to appease my youngest brother and see absolutely nothing wrong with the idea.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that you came up with the most viable option. Call Sis and tell her that while you appreciate her offer you the allergy issues prevent your family from coming. Present your solution and if she declines tell her that you understand. Tell you parents that they need to do what works best for them and let them decide.

FWIW: I think that your sister is selfish and that your Mom's idea is ludicrous!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Simply decline her invitation....
Let all others make their own decision.

Tell your sister that, of course she can host Christmas and/or other occasions.
It is just that you might not always be able to attend.

Your sister may want everyone and every inlaw together for two days.....
But, those with unrealistic expectations need to learn to deal with disappointment.

PS: My son has severe allergies to cats. Has been taking shots for two years.... STILL bad. My MIL has four indoor cats that are allowed all over the house... they sleep in the guest beds... She refuses to even keep one single room closed off limits to those cats.... MIL doesn't understand why DS doesn't spend nights and weeks at her house.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I explained to my sister that because of hubby's allergy as well as SIL's and niece, WE would have to come up with a different plan. My sister was insulted and said "well I guess I can never host Christmas dinner".

BTW - "I" offered to do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner at MY home and invite everyone this year, ..... My sister is mad.

While I agree with everyone else, that allergies are nothing to sneeze at (read my post above) and are a very real concern..... And perhaps your sister is not choosing to be respectful to those with known allergies.... I just have to say,

OP, the above is where you went wrong....
Re-read the first sentence bolded above..... she wishes to host, there is no WE....

Re-read the second sentence bolded above....
You have basicly, in her POV, re-claimed all holidays....

You should have accepted your sisters plan to host one day if she wishes... Just simply decline for your immediate family.
And, let everyone else do the same, making their own decision.

You should not have told her that her plan was unacceptable.

You should not have usurped by offering to take over the whole gig.

Tell your sister that you hope everyone has a wonderful time at her home on Christmas day... Decline her offer, or tell her that you may be able to stop by for a few minutes for dessert and coffee...

Let her do with that what she wishes.