Christmas and other stuffya might like,

[Born 2 Fish]

This was posted on the Dis Boards on June of 08.
It is one of the funniest things I have ever read and some things just need to be re-reposted, so here it is.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great Christmas gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, chest on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?THAT KNOCKED THE FIRE OUT OF ME, THAT HURT
LIKE HECK!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh
and my chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had
no control over the drooling.
Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my hair.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

For all us dog lovers out there,

Doggy, Winter Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A quote from Dave Barry,,

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Employee Christmas Party MEMO


Christmas Party

December 1...To All Employees

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2...To All Employees

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3...To All Employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7...To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9...To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10...To All Employees

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?

The ***** from Hell

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14...To All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Christmas Rum Cake

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit
Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda
1 Cup Butter
2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Baking Powder
3 Juiced Lemons
1 Cup of Nuts

Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.

Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.

Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.

Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).

Sample rum.

Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.

Check run again and bo to ged.

..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Martha Stewart's Letter to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a goodthing.

Love, Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Martha:

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list. Pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter off for school, packing a lunch with one hand-on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you like food that resembles puke! Smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

 

[Born 2 Fish]

(Sung, if possible, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered leterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

You'll love this fruitcake recipe!! I'm sure you can use it yourself, or pass it on to your mother/wife/girlfriend/etc.

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.Sample whisky.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp sugar. Beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup. Turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the flied druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check the tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a flick.
Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something.
Whatever you can find.
Whisk the checky
Greash the oven and piss in the tridge.
Turn the cake tin 350 defrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl through the bloody window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Another favorite Christmas song, from the band Sugarland,,"Nuttin' For Christmas",

I broke my doll on Kenny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in my sister's bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Momma's rug;
I made Ronny eat a bug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Sarah's hair
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Grandma's plants
Climbed a tree and I tore my pants
I filled that sugar bowl up with ants
Somebody snitched on me.

I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I can't be nuttin' but bad.

I won't be seeing old Santa Claus;
Somebody snitched on me.
He won't come visit me because
Somebody snitched on me.
Next year I'll be going straight;
Next year I'll be good, just you wait
I'd start now, but it's too late;
Somebody snitched on me.

I'm Gettin' nuttin', Nuthin'
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm Getting nuttin' for christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

I'm gettin' nuthin' for christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm getting nuthin' for christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuthin' but bad
'Cause I can't be nuthin' but bad
'Cause I ain't been nuthin' but bad.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Another great Christmas song sang by a local boy, Kenny Chesney,(and another new favorite of mine),,

All I want for Christmas

Ooooo, don't you think it's a pretty good plan?
All I want for christmas is a real good tan..

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan,
take me to the Islands put my feet in the sand,
rockin' to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean.
singin Silent Night with the palm trees blowin'..

Ooooo, don't you think it's a pretty good plan?
All I want for christmas is a real good tan..

Well, if you're thinkin' bout getting me a present this year,
let me put a bug in your cute little ear,
How bout 2 tickets to a tropical shore,
where we don't have to wear these winter clothes anymore,
instead of turkey we'll have mahi-mahi grill,
and Pina Coladas in the blender chillin'..

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan,
take me to the Islands put my feet in the sand,
rockin' to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean,
singin Silent Night with the palm trees blowin'..

Ooooo, don't you think it's a pretty good plan?
All I want for christmas is a real good tan..

Well everybody's praying for a Christmas so white,
come to think about it, that'd be alright,
as long as it's sand and not snow on the ground,
and everyday our skin gets a little more brown,
We'll string some lights in a coconut tree,
I'll rub some oil on you, and you can rub some on me..

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan,
I can see us baby on the beach hand in hand,
rockin' to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean..
Baby won't you say you and me we'll be going?
Ooooo, I can almost feel my toes in the sand,
All I want for Christmas is a real good tan..

Don't worry baby, we'll celebrate plenty,
I'll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini..
We won't have to worry about the holiday rush,
it'll be you and me fallin' deeper in love..

Ooooo, don't you think it's a pretty good plan?
All I want for christmas is a real good tan..

All I want for christmas is a real good tan..

 

[Born 2 Fish]

My new favorite Christmas song for this evening.


Merry Christmas from the Family,,
(from Montgomery Gentry)

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Til he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel, The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of pampers , some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night o' holy night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Mix Bloody Marys cause we all want one
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of midol, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- - - Shirley Temple Black

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
- - - Victor Borge

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- - - Dick Gregory

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
- - - Arlo Guthrie

I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
- - - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Because gift-giving and many other aspects of the Christmas festival involve heightened economic activity among both Christians and non-Christians, the holiday has become a significant event and a key sales period for retailers and businesses. The economic impact of Christmas is a factor that has grown steadily over the past few centuries in many regions of the world.


(in case you wantede to know,,Merry Christmas, )

 

[Born 2 Fish]

This Foxworthy song is for all us'uns rednecks. (Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas)

Somebody dun gone to the Walmart
Man this the stuff I got for christmas
Well you cleaned up what ya get
5 flannel shirts
4 big mut tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dogs
And some parts to a mustang gt
There's twelve days of christmas
I know that I got it covers look over there in the corner
That's your stuff too!
Ya
Chorus:--12 packs of bud
11 wreslen' tickets
10 a copinhagin
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of red men
6 packs of spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mut tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dogs
And some parts to a mustang gt
Man this aint normle christmas presnts
No ther redneck gifts
Redneck gifts
Ya like if you buy you wife a pair of earings that duble as fishins luers
Of you can burp the entire chorus to jingle bells
Or if you think that the nut cracker is something you did of the high dive
Or if youve ever miss-spelled any thing in christmas lights
Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for santa claus
What's wrong with that
I never ssaid there was something wrong with it it's just hard to beat

Chorus

Well you know you can't really call it a christmas unless you go down to the penitentery and visit your mamma
Your not lisenin to me get the care key out of your ear
Now I'm gunna do it for you again, now listen !


Merry Christmas Ya'll.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Cops Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Yet he slept all alone.
In a one-bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just what man
In this small house did live.

I looked all about,
What a strange site to see.
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.

No stockings by the fire,
Just boots spit shined bright.
Then something else gleamed,
Reflecting the moonlight.

They were medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds.
And a sobering thought
Soon came to my mind.

For this house was different,
Unlike any I'd topped.
This was the home of an officer,
The home of a cop.

I'd heard stories about "them",
And I had to see more.
So I walked down the hall,
And pushed open the door.

And there he lay sleeping,
Silent and alone.
Curled up on his bed,
In this one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle,
His face weathered tan,
I soon understood
That this was more than a man.

For I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these people
Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the nation
The children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate
On a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed safety
Each month, and all year
Because of officers like him,
This man lying here.

I couldn't help wonder
How many were on patrol.
All alone on Christmas Eve
Out in the shivering cold.

I watched him for hours,
So silent and so still,
And I noticed that he shivered,
From the cold nights chill.

So I took off my jacket,
The one made of red.
And I covered this officer
From his toes to his head.

Then I put on His jacket
With the badge of silver and gold,
With the words "Police Officer"
Emblazoned so bold.

Though it barely fit me
I began to swell with pride,
And for one shining moment
I was an officer inside.

I didn't want to leave him
So quiet in the night,
This guardian of justice,
So willing to fight.

But half asleep he rolled over,
And in a voice clean and pure
Said, "Carry on Santa - it's Christmas,
All here is secure."

One look at my watch
And I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend,
Code four and good night.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Merry Christmas !!!

A new Consumer Reports poll asked people, "What Americans do with Lousy Gifts"

•Forty-four percent made the best of it

•Thirty-nine percent stored it somewhere out of view

•Eighteen percent donated it

•Fifteen percent re-gifted it

•Eleven percent returned it to the retailer

•Eleven percent threw it out

•Six percent tried to sell it

•Two percent posted a picture of it online

•Two percent gave it back to the gift-giver

•Five percent did neither of these things