Children and visitations/funerals

[corie161]

Thank you all for your advice. It will definately be a difficult time and my kids do know it's coming. My grandma was the most energetic, funny woman I know. She definately loved life. She has been in a nursing home the last several weeks because cancer broke a bone in her leg and has now taken over her body. The kids have been to visit her in the nursing home. She was at one time doing well enough to make it home, but since had an episode where her medication had to be increased and is pretty lethargic. She will still talk and has some of her witt about her. The kids know she is definately not the person she was.

She has 8 living children, 12 total, and I certainly have my share of cousins and 2nd cousins, so the visitation and funeral will most likely be full of people of all ages.

I will talk to my DD especially about what to expect and give her the choice about being there. Same with DS. It's a difficult thing to discuss and have been dreading this day for a long time.

 

[SuBeat]

My in-laws passed away when my kids were 3 & 7. We chose to take them to the viewing early, then left them with my sister's family while we stayed for the duration. They also both went to the services, but sat with my mother so that if they got upset she could leave with them. They did see these grandparents on a fairly regular basis, but weren't exceptionally close to them.

My own mother passed away in June. This was a much different situation. For one, she lived with us and they couldn't have been closer to her. They were there to see the ambulance take her to the hospital, and spent the day there, knowing what was going to happen. I was reluctant to even let them come back to see her before she died. I didn't want that to be their last memory of her, but a wonderful nurse talked me into it since it was something they both wanted.

After she died, they wanted to see her again. Her wishes were to be cremated, so if they didn't see her then, there would be no other chance. They had their opportunity to say good-bye.

They are now 12 & 8 and they remember the grandmother that loved them so much and was so involved in their lives...they don't dwell on that last day. This was the right choice for our family, but I would never presume that it was the best choice for every one else. I never would have forced my own kids to do anything they didn't want to do, and don't think anyone else should either. But if the child feels the need, I think that should be respected too. I'm sorry I didn't have that chance with my own grandfather when I was the child.

So sorry you're having to go through this.

 

[padams]

My parents also shielded me from funerals and visitations as a child. They didn't take me to any of my grandparents funerals (I was 5, 8 and then 10 when they died). In fact, I didn't attend a funeral until I was 26 years old (partner in my law firm died)!

I wish my parents had allowed me to go to my grandparents' funerals. It would have been much more natural. Instead, my parents' hangup (they don't like funerals and especially visitations) was imposed on me.

 

[lclark0621]

Talk to your kids. They are of an age where they can understand the basics. See what they will be comfortable with.

I personally, wont ever take DS to a viewing/wake. As a child, I was always forced to go to the viewing/wake when someone died. And coming from a large Italian/Irish family, we had more then a fair share of deaths every year.

I always dreaded it. I had nightmares. It was awful. I just remember being a kid & having to kneel in front of a dead body. It did not matter who it was. To me, it was just a dead body.

Even today, to me, it is still a body. When a person dies, the body is no longer them. And it is really morbid in my mind to have to go through all of it.

(Just my opinions...No flames please).

To this day, I wont go to any viewing/wake, and rarly will I attend a funeral. I know it is a mental scare from all those in my past. But I just cant get past it.

In my opinion, it is more important to "say goodbye" & spend time with a person BEFORE they die. I would rather have a million memories of playing with relatives & spending time with them, but the first thought I have of a lot of my relatives, is seeing their body in a coffin. Not the memories I wish I had. Those really outweigh the fond memories I have of those people.

 

[pumba]

my sister just passed away a few months ago and she had four little grandkids that were with her during the days before she passed away and was with her when she died (at home) and also at the funeral parlor and they were honorary pall bearers with the older grandkids. It was beautiful to see this.
One funny thing happened when we were at the house when my sister was still a little aware of things going on and one of the youngsters saw her shut her eyes and yelled outloud as we were all crying and looking on......IS SHE DEAD YET.......my sister bless her heart opened her eyes and smiled a big smile..
I think it is good to prepare the kids......especially the 8 year old and tell him what is going on........the kids at this age need a little guidance with these things..

 

[minnieandme]

I think you should let them go. Let them know what's going on and that it's a chance for them to say goodbye. My DS8 was 2 when my granddad died and he still remembers it to this day. He wasn't scared or anything. Kids are resilent and only have fears of those who passed on from what they hear us adults talk about.

 

[PaulaSue]

I take my girls. I pack a bag of quite toys and not messy snacks.

One time I took my MIL (Dh was out of town working) to my GM funeral to help with the kids since I would be talking and I knew my parents wouldn't be able (KWIM) to help me with them.

IT is hard being a parent to stuff like this. Just do what you think is right for your kids. Oh having a back up if they don't do well might be good too.

 

[CEDmom]

Personally unless you're having a closed casket I wouldn't take young children to the viewing. I think the funeral is a perfect place for them to say good-bye as well as honor their grandmother.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm in the minority here, I don't think young children should go to viewings. Funerals maybe, but its too scary to see somebody you know dead. I never look at the person if its an open casket. I want to remember them alive.

Well, I disagree with you. We do not find them "scary". We find them healing.

 

[puffkin]

When my brother died (17 years old- car accident) it was almost sad to see how terrified many of his friends were to view the body. Many had never been to a viewing/funeral before. Not only did they have to deal with the sudden loss of a friend, but also their fears of the funeral. Since they were teenagers, many also came together and not with parents (since the parents didn't know my brother), so there was not a lot of guidance and they were all kind of huddled in the back, unsure of what to do. I think it made a difficult time even more difficult for them.

If you think your children are ready for it, I would take them to both. I just think it is better to expose kids earlier rather than later.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with everyone else, it really depends on your children. use your judgement.

Here's something else to think about. Your kids will still be affected by the idea of death, even if they don't attend services.

Hannah and Emily were 1 and 2 when their Grammie died. They absolutely did not understand what happened, and we did not take them to the viewing or the funeral. But since then, we have talked a lot about Grammie, and a lot about death and dying. It is so hard to explain it to kids who have a lot of questions, but do not have the capacity to understand the answers. Hannah is now 6, and she talks a lot about death and dying - even to the point where she gets obsessed and worried about it at times. She is very afraid of me or her father dying, and petrified of dying herself. She even asks questions about what happens to your house when you die. She is working so hard to process the information, and comes up with some of the most intelligent questions.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[mom2boys]

We have always taken our kids to funerals. DH's best friend was killed in an accident when my kids were 7 & 8. The funeral was 3 hours away and we have no family in town, so they went with us. They were fine. Three months later there only living grandparent died. They went to his funeral. The funeral director in our town re-opens the casket just inside the church entrance. (I've never seen this done anywhere else.) The kids were a bit surprised to see "Pappy" lying there at first but they weren't tramatized.
DH's aunt died last Spring. She was my oldest's Godmother. He asked to if he could go to the funeral (it was a school day). We gave him & his brother the option of going to funeral or going to school. (5th & 6th grade at the time) They both choose to attend the funeral. They have always behaved appropriately. They were also a nice destraction for the families of the deceased. Talking to kids creates a momentary diversion from the grief.
In my opinion, visitations are just that, a time for family & friends to visit with one another and share memories of their deceased loved one.

 

[pooh4evr]

I would take them but they don't have to go up to the casket and look- we have taken our kids to wakes and funerals before but kept them in the back. I did not go to my Dad's funeral or wake - I was 4 - may have been a bit much but our Mom did take us to the cemetary until others in the family started giving her trouble for it - like it was going to scar us for life and turn us (me 4 DB-3 Ds 18 mos and Db newborn) into serial killers or something. We are all pretty normal- I think!?

 

[famofsix]

Tell your kids what to expect and then go with what they feel comfortable with. We went to a funeral in July for a close older great uncle. DD11 did not want to go near the casket (it was open at the funeral) and neither did DD9. DS7 wanted to see him so I took him up, just me and him and he looked with a sweet and curious look and then he saw his great Aunt and gave her the biggest hug (I wanted to cry). DS1 didn't have clue but we took him to the funeral and I spent some of the time in the nursery with him during the service. The part that was really good was the church had a reception afterward the burial and a lot of people thanked us for coming and bringing the kids.
I am sorry for your loss, I am sure whatever you decide will be the right thing to do for your family.
On a side note, my mother was and is afraid of being near an open casket so I had a lot of fear about it but I had to face that fear when a high school friend died years ago and now I don't fear the viewing. I just see it as a way to pay my respects.

 

[schlepsnort]

Funny I should come across this thread...earlier this week we buried my Grandmother. She finally gave in after years of illness. I have 3 DSs all below the age of 5. We left the 2 yr old and 4 yr old at a friends house and brought the 6 mo old with us.
I knew that the 2 yr old would not be able to handle the quiet and the length of the services and the whole day in general (we had visitation and the funeral all in one afternoon, very quick very hectic). And my 4 yr old is more sensitive and given what my Grandmother looked like at the time of her death I knew that it would lead to night terrors for him. But we also had the added 'bonus' of a family member who tends to be a bit..uhm...over dramatic shall we say? And I knew that her emmy award winning tactics would freak him out as well.
So we figured for this one he would sit it out.
It's really up to you and take into consideration ALL aspects of these events, it's not just that it's a 'body' but how it will appear, how those around you will be reacting. My DS is highly sensitive to the emotions of those around him so I knew that people getting highly upset would set him off. That may not be your case.

Good luck and I hope you don't have an actress in your family like we do. She actually managed to throw a hissy fit in front of the casket and run out of the room crying hysterically twice during visitation. All this and she was wearing heels! I gave her extra points for that..

Good luck and you are the best judge for what your kids can and cannot handle. Perhaps taking them to the gravesite afterwards and not the visitation/funeral is an option? That way you can talk about memories of Grandma and remember her when she was alive and happy instead of at the end.

 

[NikiM20]

My dad died when I was 7....I wish my Mom wouldnt have brought us to the visitation or the funeral.....The last (and most vivid) memory of my dad is him laying in the casket. That was over 20 yrs ago and I can remember it like it was yesterday. Don't bring them...its too painful years later

 

[sha_lyn]

I say take them if they are prepared for it. Don't force anything and like someone else said do not say the person is sleeping, resting etc.

Both kids have been to funerals. When DS was little we lost a lot of family members. I think the first viewing/funeral he went to (that he was old enought ot know what was going on) was my MIL when DS was 4. MIL (and most of DH's family) are/were in Michigan so we really didn't have the option to have a sitter.
DS did go near MIL with DH or I for the couple of days before the funeral. However right before the clsoing of the casket he went up with his cousins. He wasn't really close to MIL (because of the distance she only saw him a few of times). I remember him looking so grown walking up there with all the cousins who were all pre teens-young adults.

My cousins OTOH had never seen a dead person until they were all adults and our grandmother died. They really were freaked out by it all. my one cousin (the middle child, only girl) couldn't believe I would touch our grandmother. I was also the only one who was in the room with our grandmother when she died. My great aunts would have been, but they had been up for so long that they really needed to get some sleep. I went home and napped for a couple of hrs, but my dad, unlce and cousins went home and waited for the call.
As a child I remember going to several viewings/funerals but for some reason I ended up not going to my grandfathers funeral. I remember being very upset that day at school and crying during gym. I think maybe I had a test or soemthing that I couldn't miss. I guess it was second grade.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

Let me preface this by saying that it is late here and I have not read all of the responses, but I will tell you what we did in a similar situation.

Summer 2004: we lived in New Orleans, and we knew we were about to be transferred to AZ (DH is military). So we planned a round robin driving trip to visit all the grandparents (3 sets) before we moved the grandkids (then 5 1/2 and 2 1/2) out west. The agenda was NOLA to Atlanta to At Louis to Dallas to NOLA over a 2-week period. Adventurous, but not undoable.

While in St Louis, DH's cousin died (lung cancer). Since St Louis is where the majority of his family lives, it was almost a blessing in disguise. We delayed our departure from St Louis by a day in order to attend the visitation. Unfortunately, we could not delay for the funeral. We explained to DDs what was going on, and that we had to say "Goodbye" to Patrick. They (DD1 really, since DD2 was too young to understand) were OK with the whole thing.

The moment I remember involves Patrick's DD. She splits my girls. And my DDs were the only other children at the viewing (hard to get a baby sitter in an unfamiliar town when everyone you know is going the same place you are!). Patrick's DD was so happy to see other kids! They formed a lifelong bond in a couple of hours. My girls only see her once a year to 18 months, but my oldest remembers her. And she remembers my girls. Despite the distance, they are truly friends. And the thing that strikes me most is all of the adults smiling and laughing while watching the 3 girls. It broke my heart to leave the viewing because it reduced Patrick's DD to tears, but we had no choice at that time.

Do what is right for you, your kids and your family. And to you all.

 

[barkley]

i think one thing to take into consideration is what you can reasonably anticipate the reactions/behaviours of others attending a viewing/funeral to be.

i've known more kids to be upset/scared by emotional outbursts/scenes by family and friends at these events than anything else. i have one friend who as a child went to a relativly young family members funeral who was doing well with it until a very grieveing family member kept sobbing 'it's always the good ones-only the truly good die young'. it realy confused her young mind.

these are such emotionaly charged events, unless i was comfortable that my child could handle what i anticipated might transpire i would likely opt not to have them attend.

as a side note-my father died when i was 19. although it was a closed casket my mother opted to have a visitation the night before the funeral-i chose not to go. my memories of the 'funeral' process are positive-i recall the service where there were visably upset but largly in control family and friends, a very supportive situation-my brothers (who attended the visitation) is entirely different. all they recall of the entire process is my mother having a huge emotional meltdown, throwing herself on the casket, pleading to open it and say a final goodbye, her collapsing in a heap and having to be physicaly removed from the funeral parlor. her reaction greatly temepered their experience-as a result all 3 despite a belief that funerals are helpful in the grieveing process for the living are adamant that when they pass no services whatsoever will be held. they do not want any of their family members to potentialy endure the final memories of their loved one in such a negative manner.