Children and visitations/funerals

[corie161]

My Grandma has been given little time to live. This is the first close person my kids age 8 and 5 will see die. When my other Grandma died they were 3 and 6mths, so they don't really remember anything about her.

I'm struggling trying to decide which service, if any they should attend. I don't want to totally shut them out but I also don't want to scare them, but not explaining things right. My DH thinks they should go to the funeral, but not the visitation because he's afraid of how they would react to seeing the body there. I kind of feel they are at the age that they should go, because there will never be a good first time.

We aren't an over the top religious family, but we do attend church on occasion. More times during the Sunday school year than the summer and the kids sunday school, so we do want them to believe that she will go to Heaven.

Any suggestions or tips? I don't want to scare them, but would like them to be able to pay their respects.

 

[disneymama73]

You are right not to want to scare them. Let them participate as little or as much as they want to. I always bring my girls with me to wakes and funerals. I do not want them to be afraid, and they are not. They know that death is a part of life.

Please let them go to the visitation. I think you will be surprised by the way they handle it. My girls' great-grandma died when my oldest was 4, and she handled it very well. She wanted to touch her great-grandma's cheek, and I let her. I didn't want her to be afraid.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such an emotional time, and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. You may want to talk to someone at your church about this, and I'm sure there are books about talking to children about death.

to you and your family.

 

[frndofpooh]

Follow their lead. Describe to them what each might be like, and see how they react. My DS9 went to his first funeral last year and handled it well. We kept DS4 home because he is just too wiggly to handle a service that long.

 

[DebbieB]

I was 12 and my brother 9 when my grandmother died. My mom took us to view her privately, before the regular visitation time. She was the first person I saw laid out.

 

[disneymom3]

I think they are old enough to go to both. I am judging that by my kids though and only you know what yours can handle. My mom died this past Feb adn DD 10 went with me to CA. She asked ahead of time if she had to see grandma's body and I told her the casket would be open but she didn't have to go up to it if she did not want to. She didn't. The first funeral she went to, she was 5 and it was my grandma who she was very close to. That time she did go up to the casket and spent a lot of time there looking at my grandma. Both times she was comfortable because we allowed her to do what worked for her.

Good luck and I am sorry about your grandma.

 

[barkley]

i have mixed feelings on this issue. some kids are fine with a viewing, some think they will be fine with it but have a realy bad time of it (and it can compound the upset other family/friends present are going through). same with just a funeral (closed casket)-some kids are fine, some get realy upset when they realize their family member is in 'that box' and plead to let them out (and the graveside services can be wrenching when a child does'nt understand why everyone is 'just leaving' their loved one behind).

you know your children best and what they can handle.

dh's father died a few years ago and our kids had a very nice visit with him a couple of weeks earlier. we prefered their last memories of grandpa be that. we had a private visitation and inturnment which the kids not attend, but dd came to a memorial service we held a month or so later when people were a bit more composed and able to offer up wonderful memories that she will carry with her forever (she even offered up help to dh in finding photos to include in a power point presentation-people sent photos, and they were shown while some of fil's favorite songs were played). we explained (to dd)the delay in the service as 'grandpa needs some time to get settled in heaven, so we want to wait until we know he can watch down and enjoy seeing all his friends and family get together for him'.

 

[mrsltg]

I definitely think they should go - especially the 8 year old. Explain what they are going to see. You can also ask the funeral director for suggestions as they are well versed on the subject. There are also a lot of books about death appropriate for the age ranges of your kids. They will take their cues from you so as long as you don't make a big deal of how "weird" it is to be in a room with a body they won't, either.

My son died when my dd was 3.5. I read so many books to teach her how to deal with death and to teach me how to talk to her about death. One of the things just about every "expert" said was not to ever refer to the person as sleeping - that really scares kids. Instead, we had some very frank discussions about what happens when life ends. You need to prepare yourself for questions and not be afraid to say, "I don't know." A few months after my son died my grandmother passed away. Unfortunately my dd grew up a lot in a very short period of time. I am now (2 years later) amazed by her grasp on life. I think it's best not to hide things and just deal with questions as they come.

Good luck, and I sorry for your family's hardship.

 

[golfgal]

I agree that you should take them and then if it seems like they are not dealing well with it, take them home or what ever. We had to go to the funeral/wake of a 15 year old friend of DS14's last week. It was AWFUL even for me, but, it is part of life and something they should do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For us when someone dies, we go to the visitation and funeral (esp. if it is family). You pay your respects.
Age is never a consideration in my family, it is expected that the whole family attends and so it would never seem out of place.

My kids have been to many visitations, memorials, & funerals already and they are 9 & 15.
I think it helps with closure to be around family but that is our families way.

You have to decide what is right for your family. Sorry for your loss.

 

[DaisyD]

We were taken to funeral and viewing when we were babies. Since we were exposed to it early on there was nothing scary about. All of my kids have gone to viewings since they were infants and it was no big deal.

 

[tar heel]

My older sons were 7 and 11 when my granny died, and they went to the funeral. I didn't take them to the visitation b/c even my DH is uncomfortable with that -- his family doesn't do open caskets, and he was past 30 the first time he saw an embalmed body.

 

[lindalinda]

I would take them. I have had several family funerals recently , and my young nieces and cousins were there. I would let them know what they will be seeing ahead of time. Visitations in my family are "casual" for lack of a better word. What I mean is, it is a time for hugs and memories and laughter. I think having the children there helps with the whole grieving process. I know I didnt say this that clearly, so I hope it didnt seem disrespectful.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I think parents need to do what they think is best for their children, and perhaps not the same thing for each child, just base it on what you think is appropriate for each.

I never attended a funeral or saw a person laid out until my grandmother died when I was in my late 20s. My parents just thought that children have no place at a somber funeral, and also that it would be frightening, so they always got a sitter when they attended one.

I honestly didn't know how I'd react at one, and at first didn't go up to view her, but eventually did. Yes, it was upsetting, but not frightening.

My DH and I haven't discussed this, but I suspect that we'd also discuss the funeral and such with our DSs and let them decide if they'd like to go or not. DH's beloved grandfather died one year ago this month, and there was no funeral service. We are still hearbroken, but healing.

Oh, gosh! It just dawned on me that his wife is coming to visit us on the anniversary of his death. When she visited at Easter I was concerned that DS (then 5yo) would say something upsetting. He has a tendency to blurt out things like, "I miss Grandpa. He died, you know." But I think she found it healing to be around the kids, and they sort of helped each other talk it through. I'm glad she'll be here rather than being home alone.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I would take them. I have had several family funerals recently , and my young nieces and cousins were there. I would let them know what they will be seeing ahead of time. Visitations in my family are "casual" for lack of a better word. What I mean is, it is a time for hugs and memories and laughter. I think having the children there helps with the whole grieving process. I know I didnt say this that clearly, so I hope it didnt seem disrespectful.

Linda, I think you said it perfectly. I also find children to be a bit soothing at funerals. They always seem to be trying to do something funny or charming to cheer everyone up, and when emotions get a little too heavy, it's nice to have a sweet distraction. Makes me remember what life is all about.

 

[monarchsfan16]

My great grandmother died when I was just barely 11, and my sister was 7. We went to the wake, and were at the church for the funeral, but stayed down in the basement with the sitter my aunt and uncle had hired for my cousin (same age as my sister), until it was time to go to the gravesite. We were more interested in coloring than sitting through a church servce Mom's cousin's 2 or 3 year old son did the same as us: went to the wake, then hung out coloring. We were all given the choice whether or not to sit through the funeral itself, but the wake was not optional (it was close to two hundred miles from home, and about an hour and a half from where we were spending the night, so we couldn't really stay somewhere else)

 

[GoofyBaseballMom26]

I agree with the suggestions to let the children guide you with their wishes. If they say they don't want to go at all, I would not push them to attend the visitation or any service. I don't think children should be made to attend funerals when they are younger but that's just my opinion. I fully respect others opinions that are different.

My father died when my son was 8. They were extremely close and the fact that we had just moved out of state made it even more difficult. However, he did not go see him or attend the funeral and neither he or I regret that decision, even many years later. He says he is glad he remembers his granddaddy alive.

I'm sorry you are having this difficult time in your life. Wishing some sunshine to come your way soon.

 

[jen0610]

First off let me start this by saying that I , at 38 years young, don't do open casket viewings and/or funerals very well.

When my granddad on moms side passed away I was 14/15. Mom told me and my brothers that we did not have to go up to the casket if we didn't want to. I didn't want to, I mostly hung out in the side room, not in the room where the casket was. But when they did the memorial service, I went in and sat with rest of the family, sitting by my aunt. When it was time for the final viewing, I got up and stepped into the isle, to let the rest of the row pass me. My aunt grabs ahold of my arm and tells me I need to go see granddad one more time. I am old enough to know, I can either dig my heels in and cause a scene or go with her, just keep my eyes averted. I did the right thing and just went with her. But, as much as I tried to keep the eyes averted, I still can tell you exactly what my granddad had on and it was not what the granddad I knew, ever wore. This was the last memory of my granddad that I have and it isn't the one that I wanted.

So, I am quickly facing with DH parents, both in their 80's, and my kids on how to handle viewings and/or funerals. My best friend has commited to being at the funeral homes to help out with the kids. DH and the rest of the family, will be emotional wrecks to have to deal with weither or not the kids want to view the grandparents. I won't want to push them towards you have to just to make DH's side of the family happy, but then again I don't want to hold them back if they would want to "see" grandma/dad one more time. DH's family doesn't understand why I can't/won't go up to an open casket. I just know, I would not do well, taking them up to the casket myself.

With my parents, thank the good lord, we don't have to worry about this issue. I come from a family that does cremation. No funeral homes, no casket viewings, just a memorial service and a private family burial at the cemetary. These I have no problem with as well as closed caskets, but let it be an open casket....I'll wait for you in the back of the room while you go pay our respects.

So I guess, what I am trying to say, is let your kids make the decision and let the rest of the family know, so that something like what my aunt pulled doesn't happen. It's still a sore point between my aunt, mom and me.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

DH's sister 46 is about to pass any moment. She has cancer. DD5 and DS4 have not seen her in several months due to her not being able to be around children and the germs. SIL does not look like herself at all; therefore after much consideration, DH and I decided that that is not the way we want the children to remember their aunt. Its just our opinion, I'm sure that whatever you decide will be best for your family.

 

[720L]

I'm in the minority here, I don't think young children should go to viewings. Funerals maybe, but its too scary to see somebody you know dead. I never look at the person if its an open casket. I want to remember them alive.

 

[jacksonsmom]

WHen I was younger my mom 'sheilded' me from visitations and funerals. Death was a taboo subject. My mom still to this day does not deal with death very well.
I had so many unanswered questions when I was younger and they never got answered because my mother would shoo them away.
I know she did what she thought was best, but looking back it wasn't and I vowed to never do that to my children.

So now I have a 7 year old son who has always gone to every visitation and funeral we go too. We have open and honest talks about dying and death and a dead body.
He has never been afraid to go up to a dead body. We talked about the happy memories of the person who died.
I have never shielded him from death.
I want him to never be afraid of a dead body or to help a dying person.
I have seen too many in my family that is so afraid of a dead body or when someone is dying they don't know what to do or they are afraid to 'touch' them.
When my cat died, my son (then 5 yrs old) held and kiss him and said his good-byes.
People said that he was too young to do that, but I believe it was the right thing for US as a family.

I believe in teaching kids (to their level) that there is life and there is death.
Death is nothing to be afraid of though, sad, yes....but not afraid.

So if this was me I would not even question whether or not to bring my child to a visitation. I know I would even if others tell me I shouldn't.

You have to do what feels right to you but also think of your children. Make sure if you have any fears of a death or a dead body that you don't rub those off on them.

I am sorry you are going through this right now.