Children and Mothers new boyfriend?Your thoughts

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
You bet you put your needs on hold. Too many children get abused by the nicest of men. They later down the road tell about it. I just don't find this such a tough choice. I hear way to many cases of abuse by these live in boyfriends. Just put the question out there to see what people think. I think I got an idea.

Well, I have heard of too many fathers who molest (and some beat and even kill) their own children. Do you think women should just not allow fathers to live with their children?

 

[DiaDeGuadalupe]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
You bet you put your needs on hold. Too many children get abused by the nicest of men. They later down the road tell about it. I just don't find this such a tough choice. I hear way to many cases of abuse by these live in boyfriends. Just put the question out there to see what people think. I think I got an idea.

Just to put a different spin on this, my parents are still together after 37 years. I was molested by the husband of one of my Mom's relatives. It can happen to anybody at anytime by some of the closest people to you, not just live-in boyfriends.

Yes, it's awful that there are people out there who like to mess with kids. I had a lot of the usual issues that follow molestation for many years afterward. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I'm sure I will always have that little voice in the back of my head asking if I'm sure it's ok for her to stay at so-and-so's house overnight (thankfully she hasn't reached the sleepover age yet). Anyway, off on a tangent here. I want to say that it's one thing if the mother had just found out about the abuse, and got the boyfriend arrested right away, and it's quite another if the mother had known for a while and just let it keep happening. I feel for ZachnElli's nieces because they can't control who walks in and out of their Mom's life and it's obvious that their Mom doesn't care all that much, either.

Anyway, my 375 cents.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by luvmarypoppins
Well my cousin is one of the ones that meets a guy on the internet and before you know it, he is already moved into the house. Hello, she has a teen age daughter and a son and an alcoholic ex who could most likely care less about his kids. I think its terrible to do this to her kids. Even my aunt told her off. She replied, I have to have a social life etc. We think her kids should come first, especially with a non supportive both emotionally and financially father. The son was in counseling etc. One guy moved in from colorado and moved out, another one left, and I know there was another one in the picture lately. He brings a cooler and stays on the week ends. I feel the kids sure deserve better than this, Is this what they have to remember for the rest of their lives? Its a sad situation for our family anyway. After 2 husbands you think my cousin would have learned her lesson the hard way but its looks like the kids are learning things the hard way.

Hmmm.............I think we must be related. Your cousin sure sounds like my sister. She takes such terrible risks with her children. She thinks I'm just a prude.
I tend to agree more on the side of the OP.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by twinmomplus2new
I am with Angel, I do think some of these comments are judgemental.
I am a single parent. I also am seeing someone. We just traveled with all 6 of our combined children to Florida for 9 days. However we were and are very responsible. Two hotel rooms connecting. He slept in his room I in mine. However we were all there together.
He and his children are staying here with us for a week as they are out of state. My twins will sleep with me in my room. He and his kids will sleep in my twins room.

Not all parents who date are irresponsible. Some of us are quite careful, quite responsible and have only the childrens best interests in mind. Everyones life needs to continue and painting all situations with the same brush is very presumptious.

I'm curious....he's from another state?

 

[LoraJ]

A few years ago, I dated a man who was a single father. He lived an hour away from me and he only had his son on weekends. The son never remembers his parents being together since they weren't together long and were never married.

I was introduced to his son pretty early in the relationship. I wasn't comfortable with satying over. But one day the son asked me to. It wasn't traumatic for him because his mother was the type to move in a new guy every six months.

I got very attached to his son. When his father and I broke up over a year later, I think I was more distraught over not seeing his son anymore than being upset about the dad. I did continue to see both of them for a while until it got to be too hard.

I have a feeling his son is going to have a hard time ever being in a good steady/stable relationship. I don't think he has ever been around someone close to him who has had one.

I don't regret being involved in his sons life. I think I was a possitive influence on him. At the time his parents were dealing with a nasty custody battle which put more stress on him than any kid should have to deal with (mom was brainwashing him and feeding him stories to tell the mediator).

I don't know if I could ever date a single dad again though (well hopefully I won't ever have to think about that since I am in a good relationship now). The heartache was too much.

That said, I think the OP is way off. I think that the SO's should be introduced into the children's lives at some point. It depends on the child involved. I also agree that moving in someone too soon is not a smart thing to do.

I used to hang out on stepmothers message boards. It seemed as though the SO's who were inrtoduced earlier to the children had an easier time with them. There were stepmothers on there who got so used to the single parent without the kids, that it was hard on them when the kids suddenly came into their lives and they resented the children.

I think my ex's philosphy was that if I couldn't get along with his child, I wasn't going to be worth it since his child is the most imprtant thing to him.

Sorry, I am babbling now.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

MissyC

Yes, he is from another state. We dated many years ago for 5 years. We had a falling out married other people. But continued to maintain a strong friendship for the last 12 years.
(So Again this is not just some stranger I am subjecting my kids to.)

Both of our marriages ended, and as friends we took our kids to Disney after the marriages were over. After that trip we decided perhaps we should revist our relationship. And we have it is almost a year later and we are all happy kids and ex-spouses are ok and have both indicated that this is a wonderful thing. That We are all adults and everyone deserves to be happy.

And if it doesn't work out. thats ok too. Because we are first and foremost friends. And the kids on both sides will continue to be loved and cared about by both of us. He was there for my dd's first day of Kindergarten and will be there when she graduates in June. AS a friend or boyfriend it doesn't really matter. as someone who loves my kids. Somtimes it can actually be very simple.

 

[floridaminnie]

Being a single parent there are certain sacrifices that you have to have in your life for you child. I have a dd who's 5 and it took me almost five years to start dating again. She doesn't meet anyone that I'm dating. It's just not fair to her. She comes first in my life since I'm basically the mommy and the daddy. Her father's involvment is next to nothing and at his convience. (that's a whole 'nother story there). So there isn't much "me" time running around and everything. There is a lot that I do sacrifice for her, but she's worth it. One day I do hope to marry and find someone that will be a father figure for here, but right now she's my main responsiblity.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Tnk, I sent you a pm.

TC