Children and Mothers new boyfriend?Your thoughts

[sweet angel]

I think the OP may have been referring to people who do this often, and tend to put their needs ahead of their kids.

That MAY have been what the OP meant, but that's not how it sounded...at least to me.

Moving in with someone is a huge commitment, with or without kids. Some people (with or without kids) just don't get that.

I see nothing wrong with a single parent dating as long as it's done intelligently.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by sweet angel
That MAY have been what the OP meant, but that's not how it sounded...at least to me.

Moving in with someone is a huge commitment, with or without kids. Some people (with or without kids) just don't get that.

I see nothing wrong with a single parent dating as long as it's done intelligently.

ITA

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

Originally posted by sweet angel
How about really, really, really, really judgemental.

This is not being in any way judgemental. A topic was open for debate. I personally find this a serious issue. To answer part of your question, yes you do put your life on hold for your children.You had them ,they are your first priority.

 

[sweet angel]

I hope for your sake you're never in the position to have to make that decision.

I'm not saying the kids shouldn't be the first priority, but I firmly believe that it's okay to date and to move on.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think this is a situation that is hard to generalize about.

I do not think that anyone (man or woman) should let their child become attached to every Tom, Dick, or Harriet that they date. I think it's too confusing for the child. I think that single parents have to be willing to make sacrifices for their children's well-being, which can sometimes stink for their personal life. I think many, if not all, situations can be worked around, perhaps by dating when the child is with the other parent, or becoming friends with other single parents and swapping babysitting services on occasion for dating.

I think if you are going to introduce someone to your child, they had better be pretty special and pretty willing to be a part of everyone's life and stick around.

 

[mom2alix]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
It wasn't just their family..the parents won't let them sleep at anyones house who has a male in it so its not like they just didn't like this one guy...I have a firend who married a woman with two children and he didn't want any of the daughters friends to come over when the wife wasn't home, he always felt it was not appropriate for the daughter and her firends to be alone in a house with just a male.

I should have been clearer. (I didn't mean to imply anything negative about your friend or her DH.) This over the top distrust of any male being in the house seems like a HUGE paranoid thing with these parents. Perhaps they have had some sort of situation in their family that makes them so distrustful? I'm sure you don't have any idea since this is a friend of a friend situation.

I just can't imagine anyone insisting that a man leave his own home before they consent to a chaperoned sleepover with the wife present.

What is the world coming to?

 

[sweet angel]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
I think this is a situation that is hard to generalize about.

I do not think that anyone (man or woman) should let their child become attached to every Tom, Dick, or Harriet that they date. I think it's too confusing for the child. I think that single parents have to be willing to make sacrifices for their children's well-being, which can sometimes stink for their personal life. I think many, if not all, situations can be worked around, perhaps by dating when the child is with the other parent, or becoming friends with other single parents and swapping babysitting services on occasion for dating.

I think if you are going to introduce someone to your child, they had better be pretty special and pretty willing to be a part of everyone's life and stick around.

I think you said what I was trying to say...only better!

 

[wvjules]

I've been divorced for several years. My DD has never met any man I have dated. All sleepovers are when she isn't at home. I agree that a revolving door of men is hard on children so I will not subject her to that. When I find the right one and have been with him for a while, then she'll meet him. Until then, it won't happen.



OT: Are you referring to the Mom Kills Biker Boyfriend case? I don't think he touched her daughter. BTW, has a verdict been handed down yet?

 

[froglady]

Originally posted by wvjules
I've been divorced for several years. My DD has never met any man I have dated. All sleepovers are when she isn't at home. I agree that a revolving door of men is hard on children so I will not subject her to that. When I find the right one and have been with him for a while, then she'll meet him. Until then, it won't happen.

That is exactly what I meant! You have a dating life, but your children aren't involved. When a "keeper" comes along, they'll meet him. IMO, that's the way it should be. And even then, I would hope you would think very carefully about bringing him into your home, and having day to day exposure to your children. Certainly not something to rush into!

 

[ZachnElli]

I have a sil who moves in with men, or they move in with her after knowing each other for very short periods of time. Usually, 6 weeks to 3 months. And yes, my 2 nieces have been abused in every way possible. I don't think she should have custody of the girls at all. And she has lost them before and could currently lose them again. Latest boyfriend was arrested for hitting my 9 year old niece after sil dropped charges for him hitting her. It's sad. Everyone in the family has tried. But she always puts her sex life first (no, not love life). I do think single parents can date responsibly, I've seen it.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I am with Angel, I do think some of these comments are judgemental.
I am a single parent. I also am seeing someone. We just traveled with all 6 of our combined children to Florida for 9 days. However we were and are very responsible. Two hotel rooms connecting. He slept in his room I in mine. However we were all there together.
He and his children are staying here with us for a week as they are out of state. My twins will sleep with me in my room. He and his kids will sleep in my twins room.

Not all parents who date are irresponsible. Some of us are quite careful, quite responsible and have only the childrens best interests in mind. Everyones life needs to continue and painting all situations with the same brush is very presumptious.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
I was watching a case on court tv about a 3yr. who was molested by her mothers boyfriend. One subject that makes me so angry is when women move their boyfriends in with them and their children. Or they move in with them. I believe when you have small children you don't subject them to men that are not their fathers. Too many children are being abused by the mothers boyfriends/husbands. These kids grow up needing therapy. I think this is complete selfishness on the part of the mother.Take care of your kids first. Wait to have relationships with men. Most of these men could careless about the girlfriends kids. I just think in this day and age divorce is so wide spread. People tend to think about their emotional needs first,instead of the most precious gift we are given,our kids. Just looking for a little feedback on this subject.

And then there are the situations where children are blessed by having a stable father figure in their lives. Biological or not.

Sure there are women who subject their children to every man who seems a slight 'possibility', but there are just as many, if not more, who take their time and make sure the reationship is long-term before introducing the BF into the family. There is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, it many times enhances, rather than detracts from, the childrens lives.

Too many children are being abused by the mothers boyfriends/husbands.

Too many children are abused by their own fathers, uncles, grandfathers, neighbors, teachers, coaches...etc Just because a man is not biologically related to a child does not make him a predator or uncaring towards a womans children.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
Too many children are abused by their own fathers, uncles, grandfathers, neighbors, teachers, coaches...etc Just because a man is not biologically related to a child does not make him a predator or uncaring towards a womans children.

ITA. I didn't address the abuse issue for that very reason.

 

[auntpolly]

If you want to use my DH as a test case of someone who is grown now and grew up with a mom who dated a lot:

He has such horrible memories and bad feelings about it. The men my MIL dated (probably 6 mo. to a year at a time) did not sleep over - ever - but he really resented the disruption of his life, and having to get used to a different guy every year or so. THese guys weren't sexual predatores or anything, but DH has very creepy feelings about them.

My advice is to be very very very very sure about your relationship with a guy before you introduce them to your kids. My MIL had (still doesn't) no idea the bad feelings my DH had over this. Don't parade 10 or 12 through their lives like my MIL did.(I love her to bits - really - I just think she made a mistake with this.)

 

[SandraM]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
yes you do put your life on hold for your children.

Oh, get real. How could someone possibly bring up normal children if they put their own life on hold?

Putting your life on hold is the other extreme of moving boyfriends in every other week. I don't think a single mother should go to one extreme or the other, but I do think she should put her childrens needs first. That doesn't mean she should have no life of her own. Quite the opposite, as a mother with a normal life is a much better influence on her children than a mother living her life on hold.

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

You bet you put your needs on hold. Too many children get abused by the nicest of men. They later down the road tell about it. I just don't find this such a tough choice. I hear way to many cases of abuse by these live in boyfriends. Just put the question out there to see what people think. I think I got an idea.

 

[wvjules]

My needs have not been put on hold, but they have not diminished from the wellbeing of my daughter. She will always come first no matter what I do in my life. But I need "ME" time too. There are somethings I can't go too long without.

 

[sweet angel]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
You bet you put your needs on hold. Too many children get abused by the nicest of men. They later down the road tell about it. I just don't find this such a tough choice. I hear way to many cases of abuse by these live in boyfriends. Just put the question out there to see what people think. I think I got an idea.

I'm sure if you look, you can also find "too many children" getting abused by their own fathers (or mothers even, to be fair).

Let me ask you...are you or have you ever been married? Do you have kids? If the answer to both is no, then you have no right to judge what others do until you have walked in their shoes. And I hope that if you should find yourself in that type of situation, you follow your advice.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Wow...what a touchy thread...
I think it is unfair to lump all single moms into the category of moving abusive men into the home... I do think the majority of FIT mothers make positive decisions where their children are concerned...which would be dating on THEIR time...when either the kids are with their father, or visiting grandparents, at the sitters, etc. I think there are plenty of loving men out there who would never harm children, and are supportive of the women they fall for who happen to be moms, by respecting their decisions of holding off to meet the children, and of course by NOT being abusive men.. That's just a ridiculous statement.

 

[TDC Nala]

the parents won't let them sleep at anyones house who has a male in it so its not like they just didn't like this one guy...I have a firend who married a woman with two children and he didn't want any of the daughters friends to come over when the wife wasn't home, he always felt it was not appropriate for the daughter and her firends to be alone in a house with just a male.

There's a difference between a father worrying about young girls staying in a home where he is the ONLY adult (complicated by the fact that he's a stepdad), and young girls being told they may not stay in a home just because one or more of the persons residing there happens to be male, even though at least one adult female will be present.

The first is caution on the father's part and the second seems to be an overreaction on the part of the girls' parents.

Wonder what these girls are going to think about males as they grow up... sounds like they're getting an example that says to see them all as possible or even likely predators.