Childless by Choice people making rude comments about kids, to people who have kids.

[melancholywings]

If this is a coworker I'd tell her that although you respect her right to an opinion you don't want to hear it when you've obviously chosen to have children. She sounds immature and either clueless or is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. If you were gay you wouldn't have to put up with listening to her gaybash in the work place, or man bash if you were a male, having children is no different.

 

[chrisw127]

Straight up, I'm childless by choice. It'll remain that way forever. I'm not mommy material. I know it. I've known it all my life. I also have a rare disease that may have a genetic component, so in order to spare future offspring the horrors of what I've gone through, it's just better to leave them as a glimmer in my eye.

Until you've walked a day in our shoes, it's really hard to understand, much like I will never understand why people seem to find babies fascinating or why some people get a kick out of Einstein's theory of relativity.

The comments I put up with... I still get the "when are you going to get married and have kids?", "aren't you sad your parents won't be grandparents?", etc...

Sometimes I spew some of that stuff just because I'm sooo tired of hearing about little Johnny's bathroom habits and little Emily's first trip to the zoo for the bazillionth time. It's a defense mechanism because the topic of kids is honestly a very confusing and frustrating topic for me. I'm not really sure how to tell parents that it's a really uncomfortable subject. It's kind of like being dropped in Spain and not speaking a lick of Spanish or trying to do higher level mathematics when just plain algebra is confounds you.

It also can be from a fear reaction too. I honestly am afraid of most kids. I don't understand them, never have... Even when I was a kid, I was just naturally drawn to adults. Most of the time I didn't even play like a kid. My favorite recess activity was walking around the running track reading a good book, working in the library, or being a kitchen aide. The only time I ever held a baby stuff spewed out both ends, it wasn't pretty. For me, being around kids most of the time is as scary as someone who's afraid of dogs being put into a kennel full of them.

If it happens again, maybe trying to change the subject would be helpful. Redirection is always good. Good luck! It's not easy to be on either end of the spectrum looking in.

Hey, Honu. Hope you are doing okay. Thanks for your honest comments. It's interesting to hear from the "other" side.

 

[chrisw127]

Please remember that not everyone who is childfree by choice calls mothers "moos" or worse or disparages children. I have a number of friends who don't want kids and they are not cruel to children just, at most, disinterested. In fact, a number of them have lamented the lack of sane childfree communities online; they are as bothered by the rabid childfree types as parents are and they know it does their position no good.

I have been lucky; I really enjoy my childfree friends. I love the fact that when I want to do something, they are a lot more flexible than my mom friends. It also gives me a different perspective on the debate than I might otherwise have. It's true that it's much more acceptable for parents to make what the childfree may consider rude or insensitive comments to people who choose not to have children, simply because having children is the norm. My childfree friends have heard it all, from being called "selfish" to the old "but you'll die alone" from "well-meaning" co-workers.

I think a little understanding and respect from both sides goes a long way (and I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, just in general). It's true, you won't reach the worst offenders, but that's also true from both sides.

OP, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Your friend sounds like someone I used to know--of course, she's on baby number 2 now.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I agree; to have children or not? Both are completely valid choices. Being caught in a situation where you cannot choose is painful at best. But to project intolorace, hatred and vitriol onto someone else for their choices is just completely inappropriate, and sad.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think it comes from the fact that people who don't want kids don't want to put others before themselves *hence* the selfishness. Someone cared enough to have you, put you before them, why wouldn't you want to pay it forward unless you are too into yourself to do so??

Now I will say that I don't believe EVERY childless couple is this way - some people just aren't in to it, but I also feel that those people don't go out of their way to bash, badmouth, and make others feel miserable for having/wanting children.

It's bad form what she's doing.

My bold. I can say with authority that I'm aware of several people who, having birthed children, did not put their children first. I'd say they were at least a distant third.

The reasons for having children can be as selfish as the reasons for not having them.

Everyone's situation is individual, everyone's assessment of their ability to parent is subjective, and it's so not worth arguing about.

People who LIKE to argue or insult people on this subject I suspect have some deep, ugly issues and should probably be avoided in general.

 

[Lilohulagirl]

Sorry to hear you are getting these comments. A good few months ago I posted in this forum about this exact same topic.
Its horrible to hear, and I hardly ever see this paticular person any more. Because I got insulted by comments and didnt want my daughter to pick up any vibes.
I also get the constant You are brainwashing your Daughter with Disney!!!! Which gets boring.

 

[Manda]

It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that she is childless by choice. She's just a rude person and there will be rude people who think they are superior to everyone else for their choices on every side on any decision. I have one kid and will only have one kid and was very close to the decision to not have any kids... I totally see either side. But even my choice to only have one opens me to up to all kinds of rude and just nosey comments about when I'm going to have another or how I'm screwing him up for life by not giving him a sibling. Some people just don't know when to not open their mouths. And that is true of people with kids and without kids. And like the childless person posted previously... I sometimes say snotty things to people with multiple kids because I finally just lose it after hearing over and over again about how wonderful it is to have 3 or 4 or 12 kids and the joys of watching them play together and how sad my son will be when I die and blah, blah, blah. Sometimes, I just snap when, usually, I'm fairly laissez faire about such things. =)

 

[Nancyg56]

"I would never say to her that people who don't have kids are selfish."


You might not, but there are SO many people who would, and do, think and say that sort of nonsense.


But because I know them, I know the utter crud that's been spewed at them from family and friends, and strangers, even. Selfish is not what they are at all, but that's the main thing that people who have kids will describe the blissfully child-free as being.

I find this so sad. I have never understood why it has to be one way or the other. My DD has one child and she and my DSIL have chosen not to have more. My DS and DDIL have decided not to have children. Some of the comments my DD has endured from some family members are terrible. No one would dare to say anything to my DS.

There are just rude people who have decided that it is okay to impose their opinions on such a private decision on others.

I think it comes from the fact that people who don't want kids don't want to put others before themselves *hence* the selfishness. Someone cared enough to have you, put you before them, why wouldn't you want to pay it forward unless you are too into yourself to do so??

are you serious? Do you really think that childless couples are childless because they do not want to "put another before themselves"? You consider something so personal and so private between two people "paying it forward"?

The reasons couples choose to remain childless are their own, I would never presume that I knew their reasons nor would I consider it any of my concern. I do know that for whatever reason, if a couple does not have children, that is their own decision but I really think that saying that the couple does not care enough if really taking a leap. I know people who are childless, some by life and some by choice. I don't know any whose decision was simply because they only cared about themselves.

OP- there is never any excuse for rude and insulting comments. I think that I would tell your coworker that I am hurt by her insensitive remarks and ask her to please stop.

 

[honugirl]

Hey, Honu. Hope you are doing okay. Thanks for your honest comments. It's interesting to hear from the "other" side.

Thanks! I'm hanging in there. You're welcome. It's not easy to put my feelings out like that, especially when I've been attacked in the past.

 

[leilaandjamilsmom]

The NOT POLITE response, "Too bad someone didn't tell your mom that!"



Sorry.....not something I would actually say to someone, but people like that make me want to sometimes.

Just remember...kids are great!

I love love love that comment back about "too bad someone didn't tell your mom that, I laughed out loud when I read that hilarious

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

are you serious? Do you really think that childless couples are childless because they do not want to "put another before themselves"? You consider something so personal and so private between two people "paying it forward"?

The reasons couples choose to remain childless are their own, I would never presume that I knew their reasons nor would I consider it any of my concern. I do know that for whatever reason, if a couple does not have children, that is their own decision but I really think that saying that the couple does not care enough if really taking a leap. I know people who are childless, some by life and some by choice. I don't know any whose decision was simply because they only cared about themselves.

Okay... wow... glad you read the rest of my post before getting all worked up.

I don't think that everyone is like that, but I do know of some people who honestly don't want kids because they don't want to give up buying themselves things or travelling or buying nice things. That is selfish.

And yes, the majority of childless by choice have extenuating circumstances or have no interest in child rearing. But LIKE I SAID... I very rarely hear those people purposely degrading other people's children, especially to a mother.

 

[Colleen27]

Okay... wow... glad you read the rest of my post before getting all worked up.

I don't think that everyone is like that, but I do know of some people who honestly don't want kids because they don't want to give up buying themselves things or travelling or buying nice things. That is selfish.

No, selfish would be to have children without the willingness to make the necessary sacrifices to raise them well. Choosing to go against the social grain and not have children because a child doesn't fit into one's chosen lifestyle is not selfish in the least; it is a decision made from admirable self-awareness, IMO. Too many people marry and have kids because it is what is expected, without any though to whether they have what it takes to be a good spouse and/or parent.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Again, I personally KNOW people who have used that as their reason. Wanting to pamper themselves for the sake of having nice stuff is selfish and they have no qualms letting people know that kids would cramp their style.

My aunt and uncle are childless by choice, but they have NEVER, ever made rude comments about kids to any of us. They travel, buy things, but have no interest in having their own. They don't flaunt their materials or their trips just for the sake of doing so and I know they aren't alone.

Not every person who chooses to remain childless is like this, but there are a select few who ARE that way and they shouldn't be allowed to project their distaste for children to others, especially an expecting mother. OP should stand up to that person and tell her to shut it. They are a toxic individual who has to put others down to feel better about themself. There is no need for that person to continue spouting off personal opinions, especially in public areas of work. It is rude, and more importantly, unprofessional.

 

[chrisw127]

Thanks! I'm hanging in there. You're welcome. It's not easy to put my feelings out like that, especially when I've been attacked in the past.

Hey. I'm glad to hear you're okay. I don't go over to the CB often but I've often wanted to let you know that I hope you and your family are doing okay.

Take care.

 

[Alesia]

People making rude comments about you family choices has nothing do do with how many children either of you have. They're just rude people.

I have one daughter. She is the absolute light of my life, but I have no desire to have more kids. I'm perfectly satisfied with the one I have. I have been told that I'm selfish for not giving my child a sibling. I've been told that I'm selfish for not giving my husband a son (seriously!) I've been treated like I must hate children if I don't want more than one. You name it, I've heard it. I just had to learn to let it go.

The size of my family (or anyone else's) isn't anyone's business.

 

[yrdlyprincess]

My comment to her would be "I think that their are people in this world who just should not have children-- and it's a good thing that some of them don't." I wonder what she would say if someone said to her-- what is your mother thought that way & never had you??? I wonder if she & her husband want them but CAN'T havethem?? that is still no reason to act that way-- sorry that she says those things to you - especially when your pregnant-p.s. congrats!

 

[lisalisalisa]

I remember telling my sister who had just had my beautiful Nephew that 'I would rather have a cat'. I am suprised that she ever spoke to me again.

I was of course consummed with raging jealousy as I had tried unsuccessfully for 5 years to have a baby. I still cringe when I think about it.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

My first thought is that perhaps she truly does want children, and by vocalizing her opposition in such a negative fashion, she is trying to convince HERSELF she is doing the right thing.

Just go on and be happy... I tell my son when someone picks on him it is because the person feels bad about himself... and we should feel sorry for these people rather than hate them for their actions.

 

[jinia]

If my mom was in the room I suppose I would so "Isn't that an interesting opinion." If she weren't I mightv'e lead with that and finished with "Please feel free to keep the rest to yourself."

I have an only child and I get the most asinine remarks --I mean advice all the time from people.

Thank God there are people who know themselves, their means, or there desires well enough to make informed choices without other peoples permission or guideance!

 

[tiggspring]

kwitcherkicken99 Congrats on the new baby on the way!
Sorry your coworker is acting like a putz but hey at least it wasn't your Mom. When I announced that I was pregnant with my third child my Mother said "another one?!!!" and the thing is she wasn't joking. Luckily she is 11 hours away so my kids don't get upset when she isn't even intrested to talk to them by phone. They don't know her. She does send presents and is thoughtful in that way but she is not relationship material. There is nothing wrong with not having children. Some people just don't connect with them. Some people are selfish jerks. Only she knows why she acts this way . It's hard work to maintain a family and if you don't like it the kids pay so she is doing the right thing by not having them. Just be glad this woman isn't family. It has taken me a long time to learn to accept the things I cannot change while maintaining some level of a relationship. I wouldn't waste too much energy on her remarks but I would tell her once that they make you uncomfortable. Do it serious or by any of the jokes here, many had me rofl, just don't expect it to stop the comments. If she is like my mother she won't get it so just enjoy your life!