Child Support

[torinsmom]

I didn't have time to read through all 12 pages, but living in NC, I can tell you the way they decide CS is probably the most fair way to do so. They have a chart that shows how much the average family with $X total income spends to raise how every many children are in the divorcing household. Then they look at what % of the income the custodial and non-custodial parent earn. So, if a family with 2 children with a combined income of $50,000 splits up, and the noncustodial parent makes $25,000, they would be expected to pay 50% of whatever the figure in the chart shows. Things like daycare costs, etc, can increase that amount.

In my case, my ex and I made about the same thing and he only had to pay $225/month. No daycare costs to add in, but he did have to keep insurance on our son. The amount did not change when he worked a second job, or I worked a second job. It was barely enough to buy my son's share of food once he hit 8 or 9, not to mention clothes, housing, extracurricular activities, toys, etc.

 

[Mkrop]

I wasn't specifically referring to HER ex. I don't know people's person situations and the comment I made was a general one.

Non custodial parents shouldn't be stretched so far beyond their means they can't live themselves either.

Their kids need to be taken care of yes. I agree 100%.

However if I was going on trips. ..getting my nails done etc and my ex was having trouble...I dont get how someone could accept money with a clear conscious if he was visibily struggling. (And I don't mean crying poor me). But that's just me.

Sent from my Samsung S3 using DISBoards

I think the problem is that most of the moms are dealing with a dad who is down on his luck, they are dealing with a deadbeat, who is either avoiding paying, or spending his money unwisely like gambling or drinking. At least these are the dads I have heard about with my girlfriends.

 

[Aliceacc]

Sorry, my question was answered when I read a bit more.

 

[torinsmom]

I wasn't specifically referring to HER ex. I don't know people's person situations and the comment I made was a general one.

Non custodial parents shouldn't be stretched so far beyond their means they can't live themselves either.

Their kids need to be taken care of yes. I agree 100%. ,

However if I was going on trips. ..getting my nails done etc and my ex was having trouble...I dont get how someone could accept money with a clear conscious if he was visibily struggling. (And I don't mean crying poor me). But that's just me.

Sent from my Samsung S3 using DISBoards

I agree with parts of your post. Neither parent should be stretched beyond their means in order to pay their part of supporting their child. However, in my personal experience with my ex, his being stretched was his own fault. He is constantly buying things like big screen tvs, a boat, expensive cameras, etc., while complaining that he has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. He got $40K in a settlement and in 9 months it was gone, with barely anything to show for it. So, I don't feel bad that I go to Disney World or to the beach. I work 2 jobs and have a very strict budget otherwise.

My son is now 18 and I receive nothing, even though he is still dependent on me. I do appreciate my ex keeping my son on his insurance. He has to insure his younger child, so it doesn't cost him extra, but he isn't required to do it.

 

[hellow]

He is not going to be able to have the same lifestyle he did when he was married. That is one of the things that come with divorce. Even if the mother works they are now supporting the kids and two households with the same income. Living expenses go up when you divide the household. That's the way it works.

This is exactly right. I sometimes wonder if people really think this simple concept through before they get divorced with young kids. I remember my DBiL complaining that he had to pay $700 a month for his 3 kids' child support while we were paying more than that for daycare alone for our 3 kids.

Reading through all the posts, the 50/50 custody sounds like the ideal situation for all involved. Then you avoid the whole accountability issue, where one parent is accusing the other of not spending the money on the kids. I totally agree with PP who say that the best thing that you can do for your kids is try to be civil with your ex, and keep the best interest of the kids in mind. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

OP: I feel so bad for you, dealing with the loss of your husband and then watching your son's world fall apart. Even if you can't help him financially, being there for him while he deals with a very stressful situation is worth more than money.

 

[jaminmd]

He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.

I'm married and I never get a day off so I'm really not understanding your point. When you decide to have children, that comes with the territory. How would you feel if he was still married to her? All of his money would be supporting the household.

ETA: I didn't realize we were up to page 13 already, lol. I'm late to the party.

 

[Aliceacc]

Reading through all the posts, the 50/50 custody sounds like the ideal situation for all involved. .

... except, perhaps, the kids.

It's rough on them no matter how it's done I guess. But being bounced from one "home" to another, without ONE they can really call their home, is rough on the kids. Having half their stuff on one home and the other half in another can be confusing.... two sets of clothes, two sets of toys, two sets of friends. The old "I left my homework at my dad's house" excuse comes up more often than you would believe (and frequently from the really good kids, not just the kids grasping at any excuse.)

I really don't know what the answer is. I'm sure divorce is incredibly hard on all concerned. But I do wish and hope that the adults who bring kids into the world would place THEIR needs at the top of the list of priorities.

 

[torinsmom]

... except, perhaps, the kids.

It's rough on them no matter how it's done I guess. But being bounced from one "home" to another, without ONE they can really call their home, is rough on the kids. Having half their stuff on one home and the other half in another can be confusing.... two sets of clothes, two sets of toys, two sets of friends. The old "I left my homework at my dad's house" excuse comes up more often than you would believe (and frequently from the really good kids, not just the kids grasping at any excuse.)

I really don't know what the answer is. I'm sure divorce is incredibly hard on all concerned. But I do wish and hope that the adults who bring kids into the world would place THEIR needs at the top of the list of priorities.

My cousin's judge back in the 80's was way ahead in his thinking. The parents got a 2 bedroom apartment where they each had a locked bedroom. They were the ones who moved every 2 weeks, while their kids stayed in their own home with their own things. I think that is the way to go.

My son only went to his dad's 1-2 weekends a month and it was more of a novelty for him when he was younger. As he got older, he grew to dread the weekends where he couldn't go to parties, movies with friends or just do nothing. Now that he is a young adult, he drives over for a few hours and then comes home.

 

[violetrose]

I haven't read through this whole thread but I have seen some men who are truly deadbeat dads and don't want to pay. I've also seen the custodial parent spend all the money on herself and then go back to court and ask for more. I dated a guy who had an ex-wife like that - he was making good money so his child support was a lot, like $1000 per month for one child and that was back in the early 80s. She would leave the kid with her mother and go on lavish vacations, always had the best clothes, a brand new car, etc., but the child was always ignored. She took him back to court a few times, he felt guilty over the child and agreed to pay more. The last time she threatened to take him back to court he told her he was going to ask the court for custody of their daughter. She changed her tune after that! He did eventually get custody of the child after she found a new sugar daddy and her daughter just got in the way. We broke up after a year of dating but I always remained friends with him just because I always thought of him as one of the "good guys". It's not always the guy at fault, although that certainly does happen more times than not. I always used to tease my husband when we were younger that he could never leave me because he'd have to pay so much in child support for 3 kids.

 

[Disney Doll]

My cousin's judge back in the 80's was way ahead in his thinking. The parents got a 2 bedroom apartment where they each had a locked bedroom. They were the ones who moved every 2 weeks, while their kids stayed in their own home with their own things. I think that is the way to go.
.

This was a great idea.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

TP

 

[JessB320]

The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

TP

Not to mention it doesn't account for any children not from that union, so half siblings from before or after will never be able to spend time together in the same house.

 

[Turn the Page]

Not to mention it doesn't account for any children not from that union, so half siblings from before or after will never be able to spend time together in the same house.

Plus, what happens when one or both parents move on and remarry. Are the new spouses supposed to pack up and move in with the kids every other week too?

I think the situation outlined above is a good temporary solution. But I don't think it is feasible long term.

 

[JessB320]

Plus, what happens when one or both parents move on and remarry. Are the new spouses supposed to pack up and move in with the kids every other week too?

I think the situation outlined above is a good temporary solution. But I don't think it is feasible long term.

Yes exactly.
Now I'm not saying divorce is a good thing, but I don't think it's always this horrible physiologically scarring event either. Lots of kids friends have talked about liking having two homes . Things like two Christmas's and two birthdays, double the presents, having two rooms the can decorate different ways. More vacations , I realize these are superficial things, but things, but to kids they appear to be bonuses lol . I heard one kid talk about how he loves the week rotation because if he gets grounded at one house, he normally isn't at the other house .
Now that made me chuckle, nothing like working the system. If your going be bad do it at the end of the week !! Then your only in trouble for a day before you leave!

 

[NHdisneylover]

The difficulty with that arrangement (having a home where the kids stay, and the parents alternate weeks) is that it costs so much. You need the home for the kids, plus homes for each of the parents. Not many people can afford that.

TP

I had a student whose parents did this. The parents split the cost of rent on an apartment that they stayed at when it was not their turn to be at the house. It was cheaper than having maintaining two places big enough for the kids, and the kids were not the ones with all the hassle and stress of being constantly on the go.

I think that is a great solution, but I agree it could get very problematic if their are kids from other marriages, or if the new parents have a job relocation or want to get serious and move in with or marry someone else, etc.

 

[hellow]

I knew a couple who each rented a side of a duplex! The kids walked from one side to the other as needed. You would have to have a good relationship with your ex to do this, but I thought it was great that they were obviously trying to do what was best for the kids. I always wondered how hard it would be to see your ex with a date over though. That could be tough.

Having come from parents who probably had the worst divorce imaginable, I love to see parents trying to make the kids as comfortable as possible.

 

[Babypants24]

Divorce is tough. There are so many different scenarios. I'm divorced and get child support weekly. I have gotten the comment from my ex about not having any money and not wanting to pay the amount that was calculated by our mediator. We eventually did work out an amount together and only hit a speed bump after some confusion from the court. Of course I wish I got more weekly, but I make do with what I get. I work part time at around 22 hours a week. Day care is way too expensive, but thankfully I have a friend who watches my two kids and charges me practically nothing Between my check and the child support, I make about an average income of someone that works full time, maybe a little less.

We work at the same place, have since 2002. That's how we met. It's not too weird working together. It usually only happens one day a week. I work opposite his schedule which works very well. Sometimes though it can be tough with vacations, plans, school functions or appointments and his fiancés work schedule. She works from home and needs their apartment as quite as possible. I try to get some me time, but it's not always possible. I've adapted to the situation and accepted that I won't always be able to do what I want without the kids. I'm restricted. Thankfully I have amazing parents who are very helpful with many things.

My ex also wants one of his two days off a week to himself. This annoys me for a couple reasons. Reason 1 is because I don't get this luxury. I don't get a day off. Really the only time I get away from my kids is when I'm at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means. I love both my kids with all that I am. They can be a handful though and if I'm on a couple day stretch with them not visiting their father, it gets very stressful. About twice a month I'll get the random text from one of my parents who will ask if they want to go to their house. Reason 2 is personal and I won't be sharing.

What a lot of fathers or people don't understand is that the support they pay is meant to go toward all of the expenses for your kids. This includes rent, gas, electric, heat and hot water. Not just clothes, diapers, groceries, etc. They still need a place to live, transportation to and from school, sports and such, heat and hot water as much as all the other things. So when I use my child support checks towards my monthly rent, I'm not wasting their money. I'm providing a place for them to live.

I believe there are a lot of misconceptions about child support. At the end of the day though, as long as my kids have shelter, food, clothes on their backs, supplies and transportation available from both homes and the love of two parents, what should it matter, right?

 

[ols386]

A lot of posters are quoting the above and trying to bash the OP for her son feeling this way. My take is he is feeling (mourning) his old life when he had a wife and kids and a real family. To him it seems like he has 'no life' because the life he had is not there anymore.

I agree with you.

 

[MIGrandma]

Child Support is a very touchy subject. DS has two older children (19 and 17) with his first wife, and an 8-year-old with a former girlfriend (they never married).

With the older two they shared custody for several years. One parent had them for a week, and the other parent had them the next week, etc. It worked and the kids didn't seem to mind much, except for the "rules of the house" being different in each household. That was the hardest part for them to deal with I think.

The 19-year-old just finished up her second year of college and I know DS foots half the bill for that. The 17-year-old has lived solely with DS for 2 years now, and the ex-wife does not pay any child support. I think she should, and DS does too but he doesn't want to "rock the boat" to get her to pay.

For the younger child DS pays $400/month. The former girlfriend is always asking for more money though. Like the other day she wanted DS to buy a pair of baseball shoes (cleats) for him. He said no, he would pay half. She didn't want that.

I'm sure divorce is hard, even moreso when children are involved. OP, I understand how you feel bad for your son.

 

[livie1205]

I'm a fan of this. I like for the parents to switch off weeks or some other form where they each get to spend equal time with their kids. If each parent has the child an equal amount of time, then they are both equally responsible for providing for the child both emotionally and financially and no child support should end up needing to be paid.

Without reading every page..... NOT true, I am sorry but even with 50/50 there are still cases where CS is still needed. At least one parent will be covering health/ dental and other things luje that and those things are NOT cheap these days and here in florida even with 50/50 alot of the time CS of some sort still gets ordered. My dh pays CS and he has 50/50 and before I got full custody of my son I still got CS and when someone skips out on it the kids pay, my ex owes 22,000!