Child picking up on things - like Grandma is nosey?

[100AcreWood]

So dd is almost 11 and she is starting to pick up on issues in the family - like my mom is super nosey and gets into everyone's business. It's interesting to me that she is old enough to see patterns in people's behaviors already. So when she said Grandma can't keep her nose at out of anyone's business I laughed. I told her she was right that Grandma is a good person but she is bad about asking personal questions and trying to stir up trouble. Then I noticed on her camp form last week they had to write about three things they wanted to do this year. She wrote about sharing with her siblings and trying new foods and trying to find one good thing about Grandpa (my father in law). Wow, I guess she is on to them.

So she is suppose to spend a week with my parents this summer (just for fun, they have a pool). But the closer we get the more apprehensive I am about sending her. She told me Grandma really gets on her nerves and asks her a lot of personal questions (ugh). She also said Grandma never stops talking about her people. She said they can't even walk through the mall without her commenting on people's clothes or make up. I know my mom is a super nervous person and never stops talking so she fills the air time with lots of things she shouldn't. I told my dd maybe she should just spend one night instead (or even none at all). Lately my mom has been telling me I'm not paying enough attention to my dd and that she feels abandoned by me (making me feel angry and defensive). I sat down with dd and she said I have no idea what you are talking about. I never told her anything and I don't feel abandoned. So Grandma is trying to stir up trouble .

Relatives! What a challenge.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So dd is almost 11 and she is starting to pick up on issues in the family - like my mom is super nosey and gets into everyone's business. It's interesting to me that she is old enough to see patterns in people's behaviors already. So when she said Grandma can't keep her nose at out of anyone's business I laughed. I told her she was right that Grandma is a good person but she is bad about asking personal questions and trying to stir up trouble. Then I noticed on her camp form last week they had to write about three things they wanted to do this year. She wrote about sharing with her siblings and trying new foods and trying to find one good thing about Grandpa (my father in law). Wow, I guess she is on to them.

So she is suppose to spend a week with my parents this summer (just for fun, they have a pool). But the closer we get the more apprehensive I am about sending her. She told me Grandma really gets on her nerves and asks her a lot of personal questions (ugh). She also said Grandma never stops talking about her people. She said they can't even walk through the mall without her commenting on people's clothes or make up. I know my mom is a super nervous person and never stops talking so she fills the air time with lots of things she shouldn't. I told my dd maybe she should just spend one night instead (or even none at all). Lately my mom has been telling me I'm not paying enough attention to my dd and that she feels abandoned by me (making me feel angry and defensive). I sat down with dd and she said I have no idea what you are talking about. I never told her anything and I don't feel abandoned. So Grandma is trying to stir up trouble .

Relatives! What a challenge.

What does your DD want to do?

 

[Southernmiss]

Yes what does your dd want to do?

If those are the only issues, I think my dd would be ok. She is pretty level headed and easy going. My dd would shrug her shoulders at some of their actions and keep on going.

Your dd might get a new perspective on her grands by staying with them for a week and find that one nice thing or more abt grampa. Or she may have a bad experience and say never stay with them again!

11 is a good age to learn that people are different and how to get along with all types, even if they are family.

She might be able to help grandma see things in a different light, too !

 

[scrapquitler]

So dd is almost 11 and she is starting to pick up on issues in the family - like my mom is super nosey and gets into everyone's business. It's interesting to me that she is old enough to see patterns in people's behaviors already. So when she said Grandma can't keep her nose at out of anyone's business I laughed. I told her she was right that Grandma is a good person but she is bad about asking personal questions and trying to stir up trouble. Then I noticed on her camp form last week they had to write about three things they wanted to do this year. She wrote about sharing with her siblings and trying new foods and trying to find one good thing about Grandpa (my father in law). Wow, I guess she is on to them.

So she is suppose to spend a week with my parents this summer (just for fun, they have a pool). But the closer we get the more apprehensive I am about sending her. She told me Grandma really gets on her nerves and asks her a lot of personal questions (ugh). She also said Grandma never stops talking about her people. She said they can't even walk through the mall without her commenting on people's clothes or make up. I know my mom is a super nervous person and never stops talking so she fills the air time with lots of things she shouldn't. I told my dd maybe she should just spend one night instead (or even none at all). Lately my mom has been telling me I'm not paying enough attention to my dd and that she feels abandoned by me (making me feel angry and defensive). I sat down with dd and she said I have no idea what you are talking about. I never told her anything and I don't feel abandoned. So Grandma is trying to stir up trouble .

Relatives! What a challenge.

That's around the same age that my DD figured out the same thing about her Grandmother. We taught our DD coping skills about how to deal with Grandma's behavior (never tell her more than you have to, don't feed into her gossiping, don't encourage her by asking her too many opinions, and most of all 'smile and nod and let it go'). Mostly DD doesn't go there too much, but she has learned to cope with it and have a good time when she does go, knowing that that's just the way Grandma is and we can't change other people's behavior, we can only change our reaction to it.

 

[100AcreWood]

That's a good way to put it.

Dd feels very conflicted about going. On the one hand she enjoys spending time at their house. They have a pool and my Aunt has a pond for fishing. It is a different experience staying in the country . But she says Grandma gets on her nerves with her endless questions. So I told her we need to think about whether we should just decline the offer. We go to their house for day trips (they are an hour away) in the summer so I think we should stick to doing that and avoid any exposure longer than 5 hour . My mom has lots of opinions that are very interesting. Like she thinks my 6 year old is making up her lisp to get attention. She should win an academy award if that were true. And my oldest suffers from high anxiety. My mom said she would never have that problem if I had not had more children. She thinks the stress of having siblings did this to her (I'm an only child by the way). And she is happy to share her opinions with my children. Oh my goodness. It never ends!

Of course I would love it if my mom would just stop causing trouble (she enjoys conflict) and be supportive instead of trying to turn us all against each other but as you said we can't change people's behavior.

 

[powellrj]

I really think I would send her for the week, she may find that grandma is much different when you aren't around. I know my kids found that out about my mom!

 

[Planogirl]

I would let her go. It sounds like she is well on the way to understanding different personalities and I bet that she'll be able to handle the questions.

 

[Skywalker]

Well not everybody's grandparents (or parents) have to be perfect. And nosey seems like a pretty minor complaint. I think your daughter should go! We all have to learn to deal with all different types of people. Quirky / annoying but otherwise loving grandparents would be last on my list of things to be conflicted about.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I agree I would send her. If the grandparents are good people and love your dd they deserve time with her. It's important for kids to learn how to deal with people who are different and to understand you can love people even though you don't always like them. My grandmother nor is my mother but I and my dd cherish time spent with them. When they are gone she will be glad she had time.

 

[mom22belles]

The passive aggressive side of me says... ' Mom I have decided to take your advice and spend more time with DD therefore she won't be coming to your house!'

 

[mom2rtk]

Sounds like your daughter know Grandma's flaws. So it's not like she'll believe everything Grandma has to say. I say send her.

 

[wiigirl]

I really think I would send her for the week, she may find that grandma is much different when you aren't around. I know my kids found that out about my mom!

Same here.

 

[mmackeymouse]

It's a sad and hard and strange thing, isn't it? I personally have no experience. One grandmother passed before I was born; the other when I was three. I adored her though, and so did everyone who knew her. She was a very good person.

My cousins' grandma on the other side is...well, it's a struggle. She doesn't drive (as in never learned to drive), so she is very dependent, she feels sorry for herself a lot, and she is very, very meddlesome. None of her kids really want to deal with her. They are caught between if they don't take her places (like on vacation), they get the guilt trip, and if they do, they have to babysit her, as she has medical problems and has had spells in the past, and worry the whole time, which ruins everyone's vacation.

Without getting too in detail, however, this woman said some very mean and rude things about my uncle and my aforementioned grandmother and their whole family while her daughter, my now aunt, was dating my uncle. She called them trailer trash (they didn't even live in a trailer) and commented on how they were from the wrong part of town. But, when her husband would go to the bars and get drunk, because she did not drive...it was always my uncle or grandmother that would pick him up and take him home.

Now, my cousins were always aware of her neediness and insecurity and nosyness issues, but when they found out about the history, they were about 15,16...boy, it was not good. Despite knowing this woman their entire life, and never knowing the other grandmother, they were completely protective of the one they never knew, and very angry at their living grandmother. That was when the tides turned.

I will never forget my cousins visiting...and this was immediately after they found out about the drama...and my male cousin was just seething. He told me he would be really upset if our uncle died, which our uncle lives very far away and we are not super close...but then he goes on to say he wouldn't even care at all if his grandmother died. Oh man...that was an intense moment.

Things have mellowed out since that moment. You can never go back and uncross that line. But, they love her and will always love her. They just...don't like her a lot of the time.

 

[100AcreWood]

Well not everybody's grandparents (or parents) have to be perfect. And nosey seems like a pretty minor complaint. I think your daughter should go! We all have to learn to deal with all different types of people. Quirky / annoying but otherwise loving grandparents would be last on my list of things to be conflicted about.

Totally agree. I have plenty of nosey relatives and friends. It's the part where she stirs up trouble that is the worst part. She gets personal, too personal. She'll ask you about your bowel movements. She'll want to talk to my dd about puberty (not cool, I have different ways of parenting in that arena). And it's when she tries to tell dd she should be upset about something that never even occurred to my dd to be mad about. Oh that's irritating. And even though my dd sees through it now, I hate that she has to put up with it. She has to work to steer my mom away from topics. I think I'm bothered because I'm seeing her to do the same things she did when I was that age. Grrr.

 

[WDSearcher]

I'd send her. In addition to just knowing how to deal with lots of other types of people, she needs to understand how people can change as they get older. Grandparents can be very laughable, certainly, but they can be insightful and sensitive too, particularly in relating family histories and helping explain where your family's roots are planted. She needs to know the value of those grandparents, not just dismiss them because they have a couple of traits she doesn't like.

If it were my daughter, I'd probably give her an assignment of sorts -- I'd hand over a batch of family photos and have her sit with grandma and grandpa and identify people and places, or share stories about the events. Maybe if grandma has a topic to talk about, she won't nervously default to gossip.

Or maybe ask your daughter what she'd like to know about her family history or about the era in which your parents were her age. Look at it from the stand point of, say, an American Girls doll. Your DD may find it fascinating to know what it was like when her grandparents were 11.

 

[100AcreWood]

I'd send her. In addition to just knowing how to deal with lots of other types of people, she needs to understand how people can change as they get older. Grandparents can be very laughable, certainly, but they can be insightful and sensitive too, particularly in relating family histories and helping explain where your family's roots are planted. She needs to know the value of those grandparents, not just dismiss them because they have a couple of traits she doesn't like.

If it were my daughter, I'd probably give her an assignment of sorts -- I'd hand over a batch of family photos and have her sit with grandma and grandpa and identify people and places, or share stories about the events. Maybe if grandma has a topic to talk about, she won't nervously default to gossip.

Or maybe ask your daughter what she'd like to know about her family history or about the era in which your parents were her age. Look at it from the stand point of, say, an American Girls doll. Your DD may find it fascinating to know what it was like when her grandparents were 11.

That's a great suggestion. Maybe she can talk to my Dad about family history. His family is very interesting. I've never gotten much out of my mom and what I have has been very disturbing. It might explain why she seeks out conflict.

I am planning to send her but I told her I would call twice a day to check in and if she wanted to come home she needed to let me know. I know my mom and she will act hurt and try to make her feel bad for leaving but I'lll handle Grandma's guilt.

Thanks for letting me vent! Dis is much cheaper than therapy!

 

[hereyago]

You grew up with your dm being like this? You need to teach your dd to not put up with personal questions: she can tell grandma that question is too personal and change subject. She wants to gossip or fish for info?dd can say isnt gossiping considered rude?

Your mom acts like that because people enable her by answering personal questions or listening to her when she gossips.


You can stop the cycle.

Say your dm says your dd isn't reflecting her elders when she wont answers personal questions or calls her out on gossiping,YOU need to tell her that her behavior isn't acceptable and it has nothing to do with respecting elders.

 

[Laura66]

She may be as nosy as you say - but could she also be lonely and missing you and the kids and just wanting to know what's going on to be needed or involved?
We are a very tight family and right now all three (11, 19 & 22) live at home. Some don't mind when I ask things to make conversation - and because I'm really interested and sometimes it bugs the snot out of them!
I imagine when they're gone and have families of their own its going to be very hard to navigate that road between being interested and involved and being "nosey".
So many of us here are SUPER invoved with our kids - some still paying their expenses and having curfews for kids over 18 - I'd be interested to see how they step back when the time comes!

 

[Goddesstree]

I like the idea of sending her with a pass to come home if grandma makes her miserable. I also like the idea of telling grandma that her questions are too personal and make her uncomfortable. We've got a grandma like that in our family - but she's more bossy-controlling, and we tolerate her as much as we can because we love her.

 

[hereyago]

You know, you can love someone and not necessarily like them? And my idea of love doesn't give anyone even a family member a Carte Blanche to act badly and disrespectful.