child left out

[CapeMayMommy]

The family across the street had a house party and every kid on the block was invited except mine. There are many kids on our street, and I thought my daughter and this boy were pretty good friends--they have the same teacher, are at the same bus stop, and are even in the same reading group. I have gone out of my way to talk to this mom. I even invited this kid over for our pre-trick or treat halloween party.

To make matters worst, my daughter saw all her friends playing on the front lawn during the party. It was really heartbreaking for me---she had nothing to do but stew in her envy. After the party, one of her "friends" came over to tell her that they played games and ate pizza. Ummm...thanks for rubbing salt in the wound.

Of course, this kid and family has the right to not include anyone he wants. I guess I can't argue with that----but what do you tell your child to soften the blow? I tried to tell her that it was just a house party, nothing spectacular and that we'll be going to Disney World next month. but that didn't alleviate the sting...

anyone else have an experience like this?

 

[Dax]

Nothing to add, Im sorry, but your screen name and location caught my eye...I am a Jersey Girl...at least I was for 21yrs of my life..and I grew up in Cape May...just happy to see someone from my hometown!

Sorry your little one had to put up with that. Some people just can be so rude.

 

[Mermaid02]

The family across the street had a house party and every kid on the block was invited except mine. There are many kids on our street, and I thought my daughter and this boy were pretty good friends--they have the same teacher, are at the same bus stop, and are even in the same reading group. I have gone out of my way to talk to this mom. I even invited this kid over for our pre-trick or treat halloween party.

To make matters worst, my daughter saw all her friends playing on the front lawn during the party. It was really heartbreaking for me---she had nothing to do but stew in her envy. After the party, one of her "friends" came over to tell her that they played games and ate pizza. Ummm...thanks for rubbing salt in the wound.

Of course, this kid and family has the right to not include anyone he wants. I guess I can't argue with that----but what do you tell your child to soften the blow? I tried to tell her that it was just a house party, nothing spectacular and that we'll be going to Disney World next month. but that didn't alleviate the sting...

anyone else have an experience like this?

I'm sorry.

My son has Asperger's and hasn't been invited to a party since kindergarten so I know how you feel. We just try to do other things- kind of get his mind off what he's missing.

 

[r1lissa]

How old is your daughter?

Take a deep breath... this may sting...but is your DD a bully, is she the "odd one out", the "weird one"? Is there something you need to address with her to find out why she would be left out?
My DS was left out a lot when he was younger because he was a bragger and very bossy. He has mostly outgrown that now

 

[Magpie]

If I was you, the next time I see her, I would just ask the mom straight up, "Hi! I noticed you had this big party, and it seemed like every other kid on the block was invited except mine. Is there a problem I should know about?"

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but I really prefer to get things out there in the open. I mean, for all I know, maybe my kid stole something from her house or punched another kid or did something else horrible and she decided not to say anything about it. Or maybe the other kids just don't really like her. That's something I'd like to know!

And maybe she won't tell you anything. Maybe she'll say it was a mistake. Maybe she'll say your daughter was invited, but the invitation got lost. And maybe she'll be lying, whatever she says. But in any case, you're no further behind by asking.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through that! It hurts to see them sad.

 

[CapeMayMommy]

I'm sorry.

My son has Asperger's and hasn't been invited to a party since kindergarten so I know how you feel. We just try to do other things- kind of get his mind off what he's missing.

thanks...my son has Aspergers too and I thought that maybe that is why we weren't invited. They didn't invite her because they didn't want him to come.

 

[Mermaid02]

thanks...my son has Aspergers too and I thought that maybe that is why we weren't invited. They didn't invite her because they didn't want him to come.

That might be it. Sucks though.

 

[hambirg]

Are you sure that she wasn't really invited? Sometimes it's just a miscommunication. Maybe it was an oversight on their part. I would try to hold judgement until I knew for sure she was specifically excluded.

And frankly, I would just ask the other mom. "My daughter was kind of hurt that she wasn't invited to your child's party. As a concerned parent, I'm just wondering if there is something she is doing that is making the other kids want to exclude her."

That way, you don't come across as some unreasonable parent. And if there is a problem, you can address it.

HTH

 

[minniebeth]

CapeMayMommy, I'm so sorry this happened to your DD~ for whatever the reason, it really hurts. Especially if it's because your DS has Asperberger's.

Shame on people...what the heck is this world coming to? I just don't get why especially when it comes to kids why ALL kids can't be included.

...and yes, my DD was left out of a birthday party last year. All the girls in her class were invited except DD. At first I thought it was a situation where she didn't get an invitation or it was an oversight. No, she is not the "odd man out" or the "weirdo" ...
I found out that certain moms can't get out of ridiculous high school behavior and that's why she was left out. I would never do that to a child.

 

[robinb]

The family across the street had a house party and every kid on the block was invited except mine. There are many kids on our street, and I thought my daughter and this boy were pretty good friends--they have the same teacher, are at the same bus stop, and are even in the same reading group. I have gone out of my way to talk to this mom. I even invited this kid over for our pre-trick or treat halloween party.

To make matters worst, my daughter saw all her friends playing on the front lawn during the party. It was really heartbreaking for me---she had nothing to do but stew in her envy. After the party, one of her "friends" came over to tell her that they played games and ate pizza. Ummm...thanks for rubbing salt in the wound.

Of course, this kid and family has the right to not include anyone he wants. I guess I can't argue with that----but what do you tell your child to soften the blow? I tried to tell her that it was just a house party, nothing spectacular and that we'll be going to Disney World next month. but that didn't alleviate the sting...

anyone else have an experience like this?

That stinks! Maybe the invitation was lost?

Yes, I had a similar experience with a birthday party. We only have a few kids on our block and my DD was friends with the girl 2 houses away from us. They were the same age, were in the same grade and played together often when the girl came home from after school care. Not only did the girl's parents host a big elaborate birthday party that my DD was NOT invited to, but they arranged a fun scavenger hunt for the participants. The Birthday Girl and her gaggle of friends rang our doorbell and my DD was excited because she thought she was going to be invited to the party. Nope. They were looking for a safety pin for their scavenger hunt. *sigh* I don't blame the girl ... she was just having fun.

I ended up telling my DD that the party was just for the girl's Girl Scout friends which was probably true. The parents probably didn't think past the troop and the girl's really close school friends and you have to draw the line somewhere. I still think it was rude to have the kids roam the neighborhood on a scavenger hunt asking the neighborhood kids that were not invited for things. I don't think the parents even considered that might be hurtful.

 

[CarmenPeteron]

I think asking the mother is a good idea. Atleast next time she will realize that it would be a good idea to invite the neighbor kids. It would also be a good lesson for her to teach her child empathy. My mom forced me to invite kids who lived in our building so that there would not be any hurt feelings. I did not like it but I had no choice in the matter.

 

[LuvBug1977]

For my daughter's b-day party I sent her class invites in the mail... a month later one was returned as undeliverable... hope that kid didn't feel like he wasn't invited to ours, but things like that happen out of our control. I invited all the kids, parents and their siblings. I hate that people would exclude a child because they are different. Wish I had an answer to help ease the pain your daughter felt, but I guess there really is no way to fix what is already done. Hopefully it was just an oversight/ misunderstanding on the party host's side!

 

[CapeMayMommy]

That stinks! Maybe the invitation was lost?

Yes, I had a similar experience with a birthday party. We only have a few kids on our block and my DD was friends with the girl 2 houses away from us. They were the same age, were in the same grade and played together often when the girl came home from after school care. Not only did the girl's parents host a big elaborate birthday party that my DD was NOT invited to, but they arranged a fun scavenger hunt for the participants. The Birthday Girl and her gaggle of friends rang our doorbell and my DD was excited because she thought she was going to be invited to the party. Nope. They were looking for a safety pin for their scavenger hunt. *sigh* I don't blame the girl ... she was just having fun.

I ended up telling my DD that the party was just for the girl's Girl Scout friends which was probably true. The parents probably didn't think past the troop and the girl's really close school friends and you have to draw the line somewhere. I still think it was rude to have the kids roam the neighborhood on a scavenger hunt asking the neighborhood kids that were not invited for things. I don't think the parents even considered that might be hurtful.

ouch...

Thanks to those who responded.

I did think that the invitation never came. It's a possibility.

My daughter is 6, and is kind of the teacher's pet, brainy type--a very compliant, sweet child who works hard in school. She's not aggressive at all. My son is 5 and I knew this particular boy though my son was "annoying and boring". I could even see that the mother might have told the son to invite my kids and he might have protested.

My son actually tested in the genius range of iq. I have to remind myself that Bill Gates, Jim Henson, Michael Jackson, Albert Einstien, ect, etc, etc...are all thought to have/have had Aspergers. I admit my son is a little bit of a "nerd". As a mother, it's just hard.

 

[AustinTink]

It breaks my heart to hear your kids aren't invited to parties because they have Aspergers. People are so dumb, so mean.

One of my son's friends has Tourette's and we would never dream of excluding him from parties, sleepovers, etc. If the other kids at the party don't like it.... don't come! The problem is the kids are fine with it, it's usually the parents that spew the hate.

 

[Carl]

Is it possible that the boy only invited boys, not girls?
I agree with the others - I'd just ask.

 

[Magpie]

ouch...

Thanks to those who responded.

I did think that the invitation never came. It's a possibility.

My daughter is 6, and is kind of the teacher's pet, brainy type--a very compliant, sweet child who works hard in school. She's not aggressive at all. My son is 5 and I knew this particular boy though my son was "annoying and boring". I could even see that the mother might have told the son to invite my kids and he might have protested.

My son actually tested in the genius range of iq. I have to remind myself that Bill Gates, Jim Henson, Michael Jackson, Albert Einstien, ect, etc, etc...are all thought to have/have had Aspergers. I admit my son is a little bit of a "nerd". As a mother, it's just hard.

That's a tough situation! We have neighbours who have two children. The younger one gets along well with my daughter. The older one is, well frankly a bit of a nasty brat. I've had to tell her to go home when she's being obnoxious, and then had her turn around with her hands on her hips and say, "You don't get to tell me what to do!" In my own backyard no less!

In the past my daughter has tried inviting only younger daughter to her parties (with only HER name on the written invite), only to have the parents drop off both daughters. Clearly they come as a set.

It's been several years since my daughter has tried inviting them to a party. She sticks to her school friends now.

Maybe since you know that this boy likes your daughter, but dislikes your son, you need to make it clear to his mother that your children aren't a matched set. They don't have to do everything together, and you won't be offended if she gets invited somewhere he isn't. (Unless you would be offended, that is!)

 

[kimblebee]

CapeMayMommy, I'm so sorry this happened to your DD~ for whatever the reason, it really hurts. Especially if it's because your DS has Asperberger's.

Shame on people...what the heck is this world coming to? I just don't get why especially when it comes to kids why ALL kids can't be included....and yes, my DD was left out of a birthday party last year. All the girls in her class were invited except DD. At first I thought it was a situation where she didn't get an invitation or it was an oversight. No, she is not the "odd man out" or the "weirdo" ...
I found out that certain moms can't get out of ridiculous high school behavior and that's why she was left out. I would never do that to a child.

Why do all kids have to be invited to everything? I think kids need to learn that life isn't always fair and equal. So you didn't get invited to the party, oh well, maybe next time. I think that's why we end up with 'snowflake' children. They are raised to think that they have to be a part of everything otherwise it isn't fair.

 

[honugirl]

Is it you that's sad about the kids being left out or are they the ones sad (especially the one with aspergers)?

I ask because I'm a kid who was really weird (possibly borderline on the spectrum somewhere) and being left out never bothered me. For me it meant that I didn't have to face the horrid social situations with people who didn't understand me or care about the things I was interested in. I was actually relieved! I hated going to neighborhood parties!

Looking back, I do get a little sad that I'm still never invited to parties or anything and I still don't have tons of friends, but in general it really doesn't bother me. I'd rather be at home building molecules with my tinker toys for chemists.

 

[diznygirl]

CapeMayMommy, I'm so sorry this happened to your DD~ for whatever the reason, it really hurts. Especially if it's because your DS has Asperberger's.

Shame on people...what the heck is this world coming to? I just don't get why especially when it comes to kids why ALL kids can't be included.

...and yes, my DD was left out of a birthday party last year. All the girls in her class were invited except DD. At first I thought it was a situation where she didn't get an invitation or it was an oversight. No, she is not the "odd man out" or the "weirdo" ...
I found out that certain moms can't get out of ridiculous high school behavior and that's why she was left out. I would never do that to a child.

I don't believe in the "Invite Everyone" mentality. I let my kids invite whomever they want. Makes for a smaller and funner party. And if I know that my kids were invited to an Everyone event, I usually decline. I want them to be invited because the child wants them there, not because they have to have them there.

 

[DisMN]

Is it you that's sad about the kids being left out or are they the ones sad (especially the one with aspergers)?

I ask because I'm a kid who was really weird (possibly borderline on the spectrum somewhere) and being left out never bothered me. For me it meant that I didn't have to face the horrid social situations with people who didn't understand me or care about the things I was interested in. I was actually relieved! I hated going to neighborhood parties!

Looking back, I do get a little sad that I'm still never invited to parties or anything and I still don't have tons of friends, but in general it really doesn't bother me. I'd rather be at home building molecules with my tinker toys for chemists.

What a great and honest reply! I too wondered if sometimes it's the parents who are more hurt at their child being left out, which is understandable. But read this reply and know that being left out doesn't *kill* the excluded children....sometimes they're quite relieved to not have to deal with the social situations!