Child-free, but not by choice?

[PrincessSuzanne]

Hi all, just checking in. Not much going on here. Just getting ready for my birthday trip to WDW.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday. It was nice to be off work for something besides illness.

Sunday we went to Alpharetta for my cousin's 10th birthday, we went to the American Girl Boutique and Bistro. I got 3 dolls for my birthday and we participated in the Birthday party they were having for one of the dolls and that was really fun. The food is fabulous. I know it is a little out there, but that is my kinda thing.

I got a bad report from my Pap last month and have to have a colposcopy on June 12 after returning from our trip and I am not looking forward to that. I always thought I would end up with cancer or someting wrong instead of a baby/child. I am not going to worry about it, because there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

Suzanne

 

[PammyJJane]

PammyJJane--Welcome and thanks for your story. What you describe is what I keep imagining and feeling. We have some things still to work through, but, I think we may end up going that way. I have to sort out the specifics of my eligibility though since I am a US citizen living in Canada. It's always great to hear successful stories and to hear how much love is out there waiting to be found.

For now...we've started a second IVF round. I go for bloodwork tomorrow to find out if I've successfully down-regulated. ....

Best of luck to you!!! I really believe if you want it, parenthood can happen for nearly anyone, one way or another. I always wondered if I'd be a Mom and I didn't know the answer to that until I was 41! I know some of my empty nest friends are considering the foster to adopt option now...

I still think about having a baby - at my age I have NO time to mess around though, lol - so to speak. I would like a little boy though and if I could be guaranteed a boy I'd be trying right now. But then I think...there are some little boys here that need homes...Either way my little ones need to get a bit older. Another child under the age of 5 in this house right now would juuust about send me over the edge.

 

[PammyJJane]

Hi all, just checking in. Not much going on here. Just getting ready for my birthday trip to WDW.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday. It was nice to be off work for something besides illness.

Sunday we went to Alpharetta for my cousin's 10th birthday, we went to the American Girl Boutique and Bistro. I got 3 dolls for my birthday and we participated in the Birthday party they were having for one of the dolls and that was really fun. The food is fabulous. I know it is a little out there, but that is my kinda thing.

I got a bad report from my Pap last month and have to have a colposcopy on June 12 after returning from our trip and I am not looking forward to that. I always thought I would end up with cancer or someting wrong instead of a baby/child. I am not going to worry about it, because there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

Suzanne

Suzanne, abnormal pap smears are very, very common and definitely don't mean you're going to get cancer. They might want to do a little procedure on some tissue if the colposcopy indicates changes in the cells (freezing or laser removal), but even so it won't have an effect on your fertility chances. Try not to let it worry you.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Suzanne, abnormal pap smears are very, very common and definitely don't mean you're going to get cancer. They might want to do a little procedure on some tissue if the colposcopy indicates changes in the cells (freezing or laser removal), but even so it won't have an effect on your fertility chances. Try not to let it worry you.

Been there done tht before. I have had this procedure before, so I am quite familiar with it. I know about what I am in for. I know I have several polyps. I know I have gone the longest of any woman in my family without having a hysterectomy or other severe problems. I have even been diagnosed with HPV and that was before I had even met my husband and been with a man. I have NO fertility. We CANNOT have a biological child without IVF and besides not having the money for that, it probably wouldn't work. I gave up on wanting a child about a year ago. So unless I win the lottery, I WILL NOT be a mother and that is all I know. I am a pretty good predictor of my life. I have too many other people to do for to think about myself.

I'm not worried about it, I have Disney and that is all I have to look forwrd to.

Suzanne

 

[hematite153]

I still think about having a baby - at my age I have NO time to mess around though, lol - so to speak. I would like a little boy though and if I could be guaranteed a boy I'd be trying right now.

Thanks for the support. There's actually some evidence that suggests you can semi-control gender based on timing relative to ovulation. If you really want to try for a boy, you could do some reading on that.

Congratulations on your daughters!

 

[PammyJJane]

Been there done tht before. I have had this procedure before, so I am quite familiar with it. I know about what I am in for. I know I have several polyps. I know I have gone the longest of any woman in my family without having a hysterectomy or other severe problems. I have even been diagnosed with HPV and that was before I had even met my husband and been with a man. I have NO fertility. We CANNOT have a biological child without IVF and besides not having the money for that, it probably wouldn't work. I gave up on wanting a child about a year ago. So unless I win the lottery, I WILL NOT be a mother and that is all I know. I am a pretty good predictor of my life. I have too many other people to do for to think about myself.

I'm not worried about it, I have Disney and that is all I have to look forwrd to.

Suzanne

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. Have a wonderful time at Disney!

 

[hematite153]

Hey Suzanne, in case I don't get on here much in the next few days....

Have a great trip!!!

 

[ReaderGirl]

Hi everybody.

My husband and I couldn't have kids, we're 45 now, and it's just not going to happen.

Everyone has such a different approach; everyone is following a different path... I'd be very interested to talk to Disney fans who were unable to have kids, who have decided against adoption for whatever reason, basically, women who, like me, have decided to go forth with a childless life. I know there are lots of women on this thread who are ardently seeking a pregnancy (more power to you!), so this would be a "different take".

There is a childfree by choice thread, and I've posted there sometimes. I get the feeling that the childfree group is a bit younger than I, and (obviously, given my member name) I'm a stay-home-and-read-a-book sort of girl, not really much of a party girl. And I never said "I want to be childfree"; it just sort of happened.

I think I'll start a new thread and see if anyone wants to chat. I'll call it Childless and Moving On... how's that sound? Here's a little starter -- I live in the Midwest, love Disney (of course), am married, don't have a dog yet but want one, read voraciously, and (drum roll...) I like to tap dance! I love to travel (especially to warm places when it's 10 degrees in the Midwest).

If you are childless and probably gonna stay that way, please come chat with me!
ReaderGirl
P.S. I just finished Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict. Not the best book I ever read, but it was fun.

 

[hematite153]

Hey ReaderGirl, that sounds like a good thread idea. Since I'm in the group that's still actively trying to get pregnant, I'll hang out here rather than risk changing the tone of your new thread. But, I think you're right, the reasons why you end up childfree colour your outlook on many things. So, I hope you find some people who've been lurking around these threads wishing for one that fit them more precisely.

 

[ReaderGirl]

Thanks Hematite (are you a jeweler?),

I hope someone shows up to chat. If not, I'll probably loop back around here!

When I read about everyone trying to get pregnant, it feels like a loss all over again. My biological clock is real, and at some point, it's just over, and I want to enjoy life and not spend time stressing about things I can't control.

Also, I had a serious health scare last year, and I know that life is short, and I want to spend my time living it.

That said, I wish all of you still trying the greatest luck! Lots of people *do* have children, even with fertility problems. So do what's right for you!

Anyway, have a great day! See y'all at Disney!! (I'll be the one watching Mickey's Philharmagic over and over again...).
ReaderGirl

 

[CELTIC246]

My Loving husband booked us our first trip to Disneyworld after our 6th miscarriage this one at 14 weeks. WE seem to have no problem conceiving and have had all the tests but nothing turned up as being "wrong" He surprised me with a christmas at disney as something to look forward to besides having a baby and keeps pointing out how much more we will enjoy taking our kids after we have already been there!! I am a disney fanatic and have dragged DH to Disneyland a couple times a year when we were living in San Diego now that we moved to Hawaii it is a little harder to get my disney fix! I wish us all luck and happiness!

 

[hematite153]

Welcome Celtic246. I'm sorry to hear of your losses and I wish you a fabulous wdw vacation. I agree that every time we go we learn more about how to design fantastic wdw vacations.

We've just finished a second failed IVF round. I'm particularly frustrated because they still can't seem to tell us about anything that's wrong. I had 12 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized and EIGHT made it to day 5--that's practically unheard of! But, the two we transferred didn't implant and keep growing. Argh! We have 2 frozen embryos and we'll have our follow-up discussion at the end of July. I'm doing lots of research in the meantime to try to figure out what options remain.

ReaderGirl--it looks like your thread has gotten some interest and action. Congratulations. Btw, no, I'm not a jeweler, just a former geologist who has always had a fondness for Fe2O3.

Nennie--I haven't heard from you, how're you doing? Feel free to respond by pm if needed.

 

[jelawson]

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[hematite153]

Welcome jelawson!

My advice on what to say and how to handle it is to be open and honest.

If you try to play the game of hiding the fact that you actually are trying, you lose out on the opportunity to get support from your friends and family. Plus, then you end up getting hurt by the people who keep pushing. You may find that if you are honest with people they won't know what to do or say and may stumble (and/or start avoiding the topic altogether) in which case you'll need to do some educating about what you need from them.

I should add that my advice is completely contrary to societal norms, but, it is what I've learned after 4.5 years of walking this path.

However, to support my perspective, there's a fair bit of research on infertility and depression that seems to indicate that the practice of not talking about it makes things worse.

Good luck!

As for your question about adoption from China, I know very little, but, there have been a couple of people on this thread previously who might be able to help.

 

[jelawson]

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[hematite153]

I'm just afraid that my family will say "Oh, you're still young - it will happen" without being sympathetic and supporting me.

Yep, I'm sure some of them will say that.

After our last failed IVF round my mother said, "well, now you can go on vacation without morning sickness." I know that her intention was to be sympathetic, but, it came across as brutally cruel and insensitive.

That's why I said you will probably also have to do some educating with regards to what you actually need from them.

Btw, if you haven't already spoken with a doctor about your difficulties TTC, it might be a good idea. The family history of difficulties might point to things that can actually be overcome with treatment. (Note: most people start with their GP, but, if you can get a referral to an RE they will know a LOT more about what might be going on.)

 

[RCDisneyFan]

hematite153 - thanks for the advice. I'm just afraid that my family will say "Oh, you're still young - it will happen" without being sympathetic and supporting me. As I mentioned before, my mom tried for 13 years before me and my aunt and uncle had issues with conceiving too...and they were older than I am when they finally had their kids. I just wish I could wear a shirt to the wedding that said "We are trying but we aren't successful" or "Childless but not by choice so don't ask!"

The worst person I think is DH's brother. He's greedy and hates that we are DINKS. He and his wife got pregnant right away (nephew is 2 now) and they think we "throw" our money away at Disney. He says "You need a kid - then you wouldn't have so much disposable income" to which I want to reply "YOU ARE AN INSENSITIVE JERK" (but throw in some other words too..) They are planning on starting to try for #2 soon and I just know it's going to happen right away. UGH...

I agree with hematite - talk to people and definitely, definitely go to the doctor if you haven't already. I don't know if your infertility is idiopathic or due to a medical issue. Mine is medical - and although telling people about it hasn't directly helped me come to terms with not having a biological child, I now know nobody at a family gathering will ask us when we're going to have kids and I know there are no sideways glances about "choosing our lifestyle" over having kids. (We go to WDW every year, spend too much money going to the movies and enjoy some wine with dinner occasionally.)

Fair warning, by telling people you may hear a lot of sympathetic clucking and some people will talk to you as if your world has ended because you can't conceive. And we did hear "oh it'll happen for you eventually" ALOT before we found out we couldn't. To me, it's really disappointing, and sometimes I'm a little bit angry about it (it's only been 3 months since we found out) but it isn't the end of my world..

If I were you I would also have a conversation with DH about your BIL. It's absolutely none of his business what you guys do with your income. He could just as easily say you shouldn't go to WDW until you've got enough money to retire. He's being nosy, jealous and hurtful all at once. Not nice. But getting the information that you're struggling out there should at least curb it.

 

[Golden Rose]

This is about as close as I've come to an infertility support group, even as sporadically as I post, so I wanted to come here and talk again. We were looking at IVF, but after doing the Clomid challenge, we discovered I am not a good candidate after all. My numbers were really bad. (I have a three year old that we had no trouble conceiving... how the heck can I be most of the way to early menopause?)

We're looking at either adoption or trying surrogacy with one of my sister's eggs. (My sister said rather flippantly at a family gathering that she would give me eggs, but I'm honestly not sure how serious she is.) A wonderful friend of mine has offered to carry a child for me, and I know she has thought about it seriously and talked it over with her husband... but I'm not going to pin any hopes on that until I talk more seriously with my sister. I'm perfectly comfortable with adopting, but I am surprised at how much resistance I am currently facing with my family. My husband has come around to willingness and interest, but my father has been very negative and my mom hasn't been much better. It would matter to me less what they thought if I were less close to them. I don't know what we're going to do, so I'm gathering the paperwork for a homestudy and going back to meet with the head doctor at the IVF group next week to discuss our options.

In the meantime, we decided to go ahead and buy DVC. (Because there aren't enough things to spend money on trying to have another child. ) We actually were going to put it off, but with all the uncertainty about which route to follow to increase our family size, we decided to go ahead and do it now.

 

[secretpantssam]

I'm reading this post at just the right time. I am not woman trying to have children, but I am actually in the process of donating my eggs. I decided a few months back that I really wanted to help a couple by donating eggs, being that I'm not using them right now, obviously, and some times I really not sure if children are for me. But recently, I've been doing my daily injections which have been making my stomach sore and making feel bloated and very grumpy. My egg retrieval is supposed to be later this week, but I was worried it wasn't coming soon enough. The side effects made me loose sight of why I started this whole process to begin with. But after reading some of your posts, I remembered why I was doing this and why this is so important. I may be uncomfortable for a few more days, but it's really going to mean the world to one couple. So thank you Disers and I wish you all the best of luck!

 

[hematite153]

This is about as close as I've come to an infertility support group, even as sporadically as I post, so I wanted to come here and talk again. ....

Golden Rose -- this is a good group of people, even though the postings have died down. Good to see you again.

It's funny how other people in our lives can have such different approaches from us, isn't it. When we were first talking about TTC (5 years ago!) I didn't think that I could handle adoption because we have lots of bad adoption stories in my family. But, now, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, researching, asking questions, etc. and I think that I want to adopt regardless of whether we are successful at having a bio child. In contrast, my DW started with the question of whether we should bother TTC or just start with adoption. Now, she's really focused on having a bio child and is a lot more leery of adoption.

Depending upon the way your family works, I might feel more confident with egg donation from your friend than your sister. It sounds like she's really thought it through, whereas your sister said it off-hand. At one point my DW and I discussed asking her brothers if they would donate sperm as the closest genetic option for us to have a child that is biologically both of ours. We would have mixed the sperm and therefore not have known which one was the biological father. But, I've frequently been glad that we chose to use anonymous donor sperm without bothering to ask. Family dynamics can be tricky and they don't really need these kinds of added pressures. (If your sister does say she'll donate eggs, make sure she's really okay with it and won't hold it over you later.)

In terms of the rest of the family, you and your DH obviously need to be on the same page. But, once you figure that out, you can probably get some help figuring out how to get your family to commit. If nothing else, there are a bunch of books on the subject, but, you can probably find some online support groups, or, even some local ones.

I'm reading this post at just the right time. ... I am actually in the process of donating my eggs. ... The side effects made me loose sight of why I started this whole process to begin with. But after reading some of your posts, I remembered why I was doing this and why this is so important. I may be uncomfortable for a few more days, but it's really going to mean the world to one couple. So thank you Disers and I wish you all the best of luck!

Thank you for giving someone this gift. The side effects of growing eggs for retrieval can really be brutal, but, you're right, it's a short term problem with a possibility of long-term joy.