Cheer Competition Drop-Out

[PatsGirl]

I'm begging for help here. My DD8 just started with a cheer dance group two weeks ago. When I signed her up I asked about competing and told the instructor that my DD doesn't like to compete or do recitals, that sort of thing, and she assured me that it wasn't a prereq. If I remember correctly, it was something like "yeah, I know, some of the kids get a little nervous but most of them usually end up loving to compete, but we don't require it".

Well, now two weeks into the practices (and we started two weeks late) they are practicing for a competition on November 5th. It's obvious that each girl has their "part" to perform and that not having one of them show up will jeopardize the routine. So, I mentioned it to the asst coach last night and again today just in passing and told her I was trying to convince DD to compete.

Well, my DD has made it clear tonight that she is in no way competing. I have even tried bribing her (this is a first for me) because I feel like she is putting all the girls in a predicament. Of course, she keeps telling me that she said this right from the beginning. And she did.

To make matters worse (can they be?) I'm not sure I should pay for the cheer sneakers and hotel payment for the competition and just hope she changes her mind. I even went so far as to tell her to call the coach and tell her she won't compete but then she started crying... and OMG, how did we get into this mess?

Help.... Brenda

 

[diznygirl]

She said it from the beginning - she's not leading anyone on, but no one is listening to her. I don't think you should expect her to change her mind. But you should abide by her wishes. Why sholuld that be such a mess?

I'm sorry she's feeling so bad - she shouldn't - she hasn't done anything wrong.

 

[Microcell]

Well, I fall on the strict side of things, my DD does cheerleading too. I think that an important part of things is that she is part of a team, and though maybe she can decide to drop out after the competition, part of being a person of good morals and character means she should compete this time to help out the team and then she should quit the team after this competition if she in fact does not like the competition end of things, because there is a girl who's spot she is taking that would like to compete I am sure.

I understand she said that she didn't want to from the beginning, but part of being on a team means you have to step up and help out the team when they need you.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think I would tell the coach you will NOT be at the competition and then don't go. Make sure they change the routine so your daughter won't be missed. If she said from the start that she didn't want to compete, I wouldn't make her.

 

[diznygirl]

Well, I fall on the strict side of things, my DD does cheerleading too. I think that an important part of things is that she is part of a team, and though maybe she can decide to drop out after the competition, part of being a person of good morals and character means she should compete this time to help out the team and then she should quit the team after this competition if she in fact does not like the competition end of things, because there is a girl who's spot she is taking that would like to compete I am sure.

I understand she said that she didn't want to from the beginning, but part of being on a team means you have to step up and help out the team when they need you.

Normally, I'd feel the same way. But if she was up front with mom and coach, and coach said it was okay, then the 8 yr old here did due diligence. To expect her to compete now is not fair to her for being honest at the beginning of this whole thing.

 

[PatsGirl]

Well, everyone has certainly spelled out my "predicament" Yes, she made it clear she didn't want to compete. Yes, the coach said this was not a requirement. Yes, regardless of these two things, they are now only one month away and I think maybe she should step up to the plate and... then again, she's just a little girl, and why should she when she made herself clear? So no quick and easy answer but a lesson learned for me: make myself very clear (if I didn't) and then let me DD make her choices. I think one of the problems is that she made the choice but we all (myself included) thought she'd change her mind...

Keep em' coming. I've now resorted to bribing from the Toys R Us website but even that's not working.

B

 

[Microcell]

I do understand that she didn't want to compete, but now I think it is a lesson in building character.

Other suggestions that might help her build character but get out of this:

1. Can she find a replacement?
2. Can she go, with you to the coach and talk to her about her reasoning for not wanting to compete?

If she is driven by fear of failure, maybe her coach can help her through that. It is something she really needs to overcome, though I do understand it could be better done in baby steps if that is even the problem.

I wish you luck, but I would be telling my DD she needs to help out the team. Of course my DD is eager to do things like this, if only I could afford the competitive cheerleading. Where do you live? Maybe my DD could be the replacement if you want to pay!

 

[mom2boys]

Perhaps you should call the coach and explain the situation again. Things can be hectic at practices. Maybe if you, the coach & the girls "talk it up" she will be willing to give it a shot. My kids love staying at hotels - especially if there is a swimming pool and a group of friends their age. Will she get a trophy? that might encourage. I'd strongly encourage (proabably insist) she try it once.

 

[rascalmom]

Don't force her - a melt down in the middle of the competition could be worse than her (you) letting them very firmly know that she won't be competing. I would look for another group or activity - most cheer groups do compete, could you possibly find her a dance or hip hop class that doesn't emphasize competition?

A bribe isn't a good precident to set - she will either expect it each time or learn not to trust you to keep your end of a bargain when she says she doesn't want to do something. If this was a longer term commitment, I'd be all for enforcing the "team spirit" mentality - but she made it clear from the beginning. And they still have plenty of time to adjust their choreography if you make it clear now. The adults need to listen. Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I have a very good friend who forced her dd into some activities - & let's just say the child is MAJORLY rebelling now. Best wishes

 

[Microcell]

Don't force her - a melt down in the middle of the competition could be worse than her (you) letting them very firmly know that she won't be competing. I would look for another group or activity - most cheer groups do compete, could you possibly find her a dance or hip hop class that doesn't emphasize competition?

My Dd is in Young Champions, and they only do parades, and you REALLY don't have to do them if you don't want to. They also have a showcase that is totally your choice as well. It is non competitive, to the point where I think it will be a detriment to DD soon. Well, gotta get DS in school before I can make the income to support the $2000.00 or so it costs to be on a competitive team a year around here. Young Champions is about $50.00 a semester here.

 

[PatsGirl]

Microcell: One of the reasons we joined this class was because it was so inexpensive, $75 for 15 one-hour classes. My DD has taken figure skating at $20/hour and jazz dancing for about the same. When someone mentioned this class that was so cheap and so much closer, we jumped on it. My DD is pretty good too and I think she is really enjoying it.

Mom2boys: I went online tonight and showed her the hotel and pool and told her every team wins a trophy -- it's just not working. Maybe if we both sat down with the coach and discussed jsut what happens at the competitions and then, without pressuring her (like I'm not doing that now ), let her make her final decision. Because who believes a kids when they say "I don't want to do, I'm not going to do it, No way, Not for anything" No, just kidding. She is pretty adamant but it is all based on her fear of failure.

Just a side note: When she took jazz dancing, she kept telling me she didn't want to go to the recital and I told her fine. This was a routine that didn't matter who showed up and within a week or two of practicing, she asked if it was too late. She had a great recital and we have the pictures to prove it so I don't understand her hesitation this time again.

 

[mom2boys]

Just a side note: When she took jazz dancing, she kept telling me she didn't want to go to the recital and I told her fine. This was a routine that didn't matter who showed up and within a week or two of practicing, she asked if it was too late. She had a great recital and we have the pictures to prove it so I don't understand her hesitation this time again.

Would it help to give her a friendly reminder of this?

 

[Microcell]

That is it! I am moving to where you are! What I really want her to do is joing pop warner so we can go to WDW!!!!

 

[PatsGirl]

Sorry Microcell, don't mean to tease but her cheer team does go to WDW for the Nationals , I think it's the second week in March this year. Asked the coach about this as well and she said they weren't sure the younger kids would be going this year but we could always go and show support for the older kids.

And yeah, already tried this bribe too Didn't guarantee that we'd go but offered that if she liked competing this might be an option, she says "that's sounds like alot of fun but you are still taking me in November even if I decide not to compete, right". Well, of course, dear, this vacation is more for me than for you I just couldn't go without you and not feel guilty.

 

[N.Bailey]

IMO, you should listen to your daughter. She should feel no sense of obligation in anyway to do what some perceive to be the "RIGHT" thing. She made her intentions known from the get go. She's done nothing wrong. Stand beside your daughter and do what's right by her. To heck with this competition. Why would you risk your relationship with her by bribing her? If you don't stand beside her now, the next time she won't even consider your feelings, or she may not tell you something that she'd have told you had you stood by her. Ya know, that trust thing? It mostly works the other way around, but IMO, this is going to come back and bite you in the behind if you don't do what's "RIGHT" by her. Your daughter has done nothing wrong. Let her know that being honest and upfront counts for something.

I would probably have a chat with her about quitting the dance group too. It's obvious that they expect 100% participation. I agree with the other poster about looking around for an alternative for her.

My daughter hates competitive sports too. For many years she'd only be on the swim team during the winter because during winter, there was no competition. It was basically training only. During the summer however, she never wanted to be on the team. Eventually she joined the summer team (she's a strong swimmer), but it was her decision. Sure, her father and I, along with her coaches tried to encourage it each year, but she was never pushed.

Good luck. You've certainly got a situation to deal with there.

ALL MOO

 

[Nancy]

From an experienced Dancemom...recitals and competitions are two totally different things. If she is that against the whole comp thing I would not force the issue. Even if the coaches try to make it seem like the competitions are just to go out and have fun, the girls put tons and tons of pressure on themselves. I have seen the most horrendous meltdowns at competitions! Never see meltdowns at recitals except for the baby classes (3 and 4 years old). She might be hearing the girls talk about other teams and them not being good, or certain girls not being good and she is afraid she'll let the team down. There are so many reasons why she might not want to do comps.
I would have a talk with the coach, with your daughter there and explain everything. I would not do bribery, what if she says ok then has a meltdown? Then not only will she feel like she let the team down, but she'll feel like she let you down.

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to compete? maybe she is just afraid of losing.

 

[PatsGirl]

Nance: I know you are right and the trust thing is a huge issue. I would never force her to do this but I was hoping with just a nudge, she'd change her mind and overcome her fear, and in the meantime, help out the team. I think I'm going to let us both sleep on it tonight and we'll talk when we're fresh in the a.m. If she still is as adamant as she is tonight, I'll let it go, call the coach and we'll find a new class where competing isn't an issue.

As right as it is for her to build character and help the team, it is even more "right" for me to back her up right now and teach her that she can make choices and stick to them, meanwhile sticking up for herself. I do feel that we've been misled and your post has made me aware that I am misleading DD when I should be protecting her not making her feel like she's done something wrong. Thank you for helping me put it in perspective.

Brenda

 

[pattyT]

Oh man -
tough situation all around -
I can't offer any real advice -
has she formed friendships on the squad??
I know the first year my DD cheered pop warner i asked when the big vomp was - planned a trip to Disney the Following week - paid for it - and then found out they gave me the wrong date for the comp and we would be gone - DD therefore sat out half of every practivce - if not more) She was devestated and felt left out.
3 1/2 years later and we don't do Pop warner anymore - but Competitive Cheering! Again the friendships formed help a lot.
good luck

 

[luvflorida]

I agree with Nancy.

Recitals and competitions are very different events. The pressure is on during competitions, and as much as everyone says to go out and just have fun, there IS a lot of pressure to perform and win the coveted trophies.

Your daughter was upfront about not wanting to compete and it seems that you made it clear to the coach, or whoever you talked to before signing your daughter up, that she did not want to compete. It also seems that they agreed that she would not have to compete if she didn't want to. I don't think you or your daughter are the ones who are failing to live up to an agreement.

I would never force my daughter to compete when she already made it very clear that she didn't want to do so. I would back up my daughter and call, (I think your daughter is too young to do this herself), and explain what everyone had agreed to previously. I also would try not to feel bad about the situation.

I can't imagine the knots I would have in my stomach if I made my daughter go to a competition against her will. I would almost EXPECT a meltdown of some sort, me and/or her!

Who knows what the future may hold for your daughter if you listen to her feelings this time around. My DD15 would never have felt comfortable at the age of eight competing in anything! Last year, at the age of 14, she auditioned for a dance competition team and began competing in hip hop and jazz for the first time. The first competition was truly nerve wracking for all of us, but she went out and did an awesome job, and now she LOVES dance and competing! I've seen a tremendous growth in her, socially and emotionally, since she has been on dance comp. Like I said, though, at a younger age, she would have fallen apart.

Sorry for this being so long, but I just feel strongly that your daughter will know when and if she will be ready to take that next step. By listening to her now, I think things will be much easier down the road.

Good luck to both of you. I know it's hard to deal with these situations!

 

[amid chaos]

There is a cheer competition this Saturday at Brockton High School. Maybe if she sees one without fear of competing in it, it would help her to see exactly what goes on.
But I wouldnt force her, she was very clear from the beginning.