Cheating spouse?

[ryanshana]

I would understand why she asked me, but I would not understand how she could betray me by spying on me. I would treat it as though she heard a rumor and assumed the worst of me...

No offense but w/ cheating it not something that you can just be oh sooo who was this gift for and expect to receive the truth. I know that a situation I was in, I did ask that question first and was told a lie and I still snooped and found out that I was actually correct.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd get a handle on my finances and then I'd ask him.

And I wouldn't fall for that pseudo guilt "I feel betrayed, how could you think I would do that?" business, because, quite frankly, it would take A LOT for me to think my DH could do that, so if I was thinking it, chances are I wouldn't be wrong. And I would have the epxectation that if he wasn't doing it & I explained my reasons for thinking he was, he would be able to say "OK, I can understand why you might think that".

And yes, it would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed. If my DH thought I was being unfaithful and gave me specific examples of why he thought so and I could see his perspective, I would understand.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

No offense but w/ cheating it not something that you can just be oh sooo who was this gift for and expect to receive the truth. I know that a situation I was in, I did ask that question first and was told a lie and I still snooped and found out that I was actually correct.

One of the things that I said in my post was to expect a lie and determine a course of action to take if one was offered (or if some completely unbelievable version of events was offered).

But if you start from a position of believing that he is guilty and he is not, you have already destroyed the trust in your marriage. Then you might as well have been cheating on him...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...And I wouldn't fall for that pseudo guilt "I feel betrayed, how could you think I would do that?"...

If this is his or her immediate response, they are just buying time to think up a good story...

 

[madtraveller]

I will add that they work in adjacent offices and see each other during work. I am in a different part of the company so don't see them that often at work.

As for other things they are often on MSN chatting to each oth, he has had quite a few female friends in the past, hence why to start with I thought nothing of it.

To add we have no kids.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I will add that they work in adjacent offices and see each other during work. I am in a different part of the company so don't see them that often at work.

As for other things they are often on MSN chatting to each oth, he has had quite a few female friends in the past, hence why to start with I thought nothing of it...

This makes it more difficult as he could really have legit reasons for the contact - but the "gifts" need explaining. Are you sure that she has received these gifts and that he bought them? If so, that is tantamount to finding dirty laundry that doesn't belong. Men just don't do this sort of thing unless there is something there.

If he is buying her things like jewelry, he is either sleeping with her or trying to sleep with her...

 

[DebIreland]

I will add that they work in adjacent offices and see each other during work. I am in a different part of the company so don't see them that often at work.

As for other things they are often on MSN chatting to each oth, he has had quite a few female friends in the past, hence why to start with I thought nothing of it.

To add we have no kids.

May I ask why you believe he bought some personal gifts for her? I'll understand obviously if you don't want to share, no pressure.

I believe that there is software out there which records MSN chats..... just saying....

 

[dismom2005]

You're not 100% positive, but I think in most casses, if you susoect, it's probably true. I don't have much advice, but maybe try and confirm your suspicions, and then confront. Be prepared for anything.. they may try and deny, or fess up, beg forgiveness, make promises. Decide ahead of time what you think will be the outcome.. and make your plan of action. sorry this is happening.

Having gone through this recently and not wanting to get into specifics, I suspected something was going on with my spouse, and bought a voice activated recorder and left it in his car. Unfortunately I confirmed my suspicions within the first few days of having it there. Unfortunately or fortunately, I know my spouse well enough to notice when things changed and it was a gut feeling. Good luck to you my friend.

 

[BlackPearl695]

Trust is OVERRATED! Lying cheats will hide behind a banner of TRUST. Don't worry about snooping. You need to do what you think is right to look out for your family and protect your own heart. If your spouse is cheating, he's probably gonna be lying too. Go with your gut! Don't let anyone try to convince you that your are overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. Those things are for YOU to decide and no one else.

Good Luck!

 

[DebIreland]

I suspected something was going on with my spouse, and bought a voice activated recorder and left it in his car. Unfortunately I confirmed my suspicions within the first few days of having it there.

 

[mickeyboat]

You can also install a keylogger on your home computer, ask for cell phone records, and double / triple check credit card statements and banking transactions. The linked website above has a forum where you can learn about investigative techniques, but you have to have a certain post count to be able to access them.

Personally, OP, I think you have enough information to take the next step of confirming (or debunking) your suspicions.

Your DH never has to know that you are doing some checking. I agree that if he isn't doing anything wrong, he would be hurt to know that you are checking. If he finds out and he's not cheating, you can tell him that you didn't want to cause a problem if there was no reason to cause one. If you find out he is cheating, you need to have information when you confront him.

 

[SydneyFalco]

I post here every now and then but wanted some honest advice, from people who are not aware of our situation.

What would you do if you thought your spouse was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts?

Well, for my money, OP, you've won the "this question will be inversely brief in comparison to its complexity" award. Still, all my good luck with your predicament.

 

[EthansMom]

I'd do some investigating... checking bank/credit card statements, cell phone records, and installing a key logger on the home computer if I seriously thought my spouse was cheating.

 

[LisaInNc]

I would look for someproof because if you confront him and he denies it, you not only tipped him off to being more careful you won't have the answers you want.

If you investigate and you have proof. I would start protecting yourself in case of a divorce. Then I would have a conversation with him and go from there.

Good luck my heart goes out to you!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Probably not likely, but please make sure his female friend isn't helping him purchase a gift for you.

 

[ols386]

I'd be doing some investigation before I started questioning. I wouldn't want to give the heads up so they could try to hide things better than they have been.


Sorry you're going through this

That's what I would do also. I'd do some of my own investigating before I said anythng.

Sorry to the op, if you are in this situation.

 

[sbell111]

Trust is OVERRATED! Lying cheats will hide behind a banner of TRUST. Don't worry about snooping. You need to do what you think is right to look out for your family and protect your own heart. If your spouse is cheating, he's probably gonna be lying too. Go with your gut! Don't let anyone try to convince you that your are overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. Those things are for YOU to decide and no one else.

Good Luck!

I would have an unbelievably big issue with my wife if she had this attitude.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would have an unbelievably big issue with my wife if she had this attitude.

LOL, no kidding...

 

[mickeyboat]

I would have an unbelievably big issue with my wife if she had this attitude.

But you aren't giving her any reason to have that attitude.

 

[sbell111]

But you aren't giving her any reason to have that attitude.

Regardless, trust is one of the bits of rock that forms the foundation of a relationship. I would not wish to be involved with anyone who discounts the importance of trust.