CBS MORNING SHOW TO GO WITH NINETY CO-HOSTS
Will Appear on Gigantic Rotating Turntable, Complete With Trapdoors
In a decision intended to break the mold of morning television, CBS today announced that its Early Show would now feature ninety co-hosts appealing simultaneously to ninety different demographic groups.
CBS said the ninety-host format would offer a startlingly new option for viewers used to traditional morning shows, which generally feature two hosts, a newsreader, and a fat, unfunny weatherman.
In addition, according to Early Show executive producer Michael Bass, Having ninety hosts will keep our viewers from despising any one host too much.
The ninety hosts will appear on an enormous mechanized turntable, rotating on the same principle as a Lazy Susan at Thanksgiving.
But instead of offering a sumptuous buffet of holiday treats, the Early Show turntable will usher forth a hodgepodge of network retreads and miscellaneous has-beens, including former Today host Deborah Norville, former Olympian Mary Lou Retton, former U.S. Vice President Walter Mondale, and the 80s rock band Dexys Midnight Runners, perhaps best known for their hit song Come On, Eileen.
Each host will have an opportunity to speak for approximately fifteen to twenty seconds before the turntable moves to its next position and a new host appears as if by magic, Mr. Bass said.
The new turntable set-up will also allow the network to open a trapdoor below a poorly performing host, abruptly eliminating him or her from the program forever.
The stakes couldnt be higher for CBS, who faces the prospect of their affiliates reclaiming the two-hour morning block to air local programming, infomercials, and hotel-room quality hardcore pornography.
***Borowitz Reports****
Will Appear on Gigantic Rotating Turntable, Complete With Trapdoors
In a decision intended to break the mold of morning television, CBS today announced that its Early Show would now feature ninety co-hosts appealing simultaneously to ninety different demographic groups.
CBS said the ninety-host format would offer a startlingly new option for viewers used to traditional morning shows, which generally feature two hosts, a newsreader, and a fat, unfunny weatherman.
In addition, according to Early Show executive producer Michael Bass, Having ninety hosts will keep our viewers from despising any one host too much.
The ninety hosts will appear on an enormous mechanized turntable, rotating on the same principle as a Lazy Susan at Thanksgiving.
But instead of offering a sumptuous buffet of holiday treats, the Early Show turntable will usher forth a hodgepodge of network retreads and miscellaneous has-beens, including former Today host Deborah Norville, former Olympian Mary Lou Retton, former U.S. Vice President Walter Mondale, and the 80s rock band Dexys Midnight Runners, perhaps best known for their hit song Come On, Eileen.
Each host will have an opportunity to speak for approximately fifteen to twenty seconds before the turntable moves to its next position and a new host appears as if by magic, Mr. Bass said.
The new turntable set-up will also allow the network to open a trapdoor below a poorly performing host, abruptly eliminating him or her from the program forever.
The stakes couldnt be higher for CBS, who faces the prospect of their affiliates reclaiming the two-hour morning block to air local programming, infomercials, and hotel-room quality hardcore pornography.
***Borowitz Reports****
