Caring for Parents Question

[MDer2FL]

Tricky Tink --
Your mom needs a BIG reality check!!!

 

[disneymagicgirl]

Crazy! Maybe she could apply for jobs at Wdw!

 

[Keli]

I know you love your mom and this has to be a painful thing to endure. But I think you are doing right in saying no. Your mom needs to keep being responsible for herself until her age and/or health dictate otherwise. 50 is not that age by a long shot.

 

[buzz5985]

If it were my parent, I would make sure she got a thorough physical and mental evaluation to rule out any physical or psychological (in other words, treatable) causes for the bizarre behavior. If it were my parent, I would follow up to make sure that happened. If there is a diagnosis, there may be community services available.

I agree with above post. If this is unusual behavior for your mother - this could be early onset of Alzheimers disease. One of the early signs is making poor financial decisions.

My Father was diagnosed with dementia - and we missed a lot of the early indicators. We were lucky enough that he had saved enough to enable him to live in an Assisted Living Community for Alzheimers. They gave him back his dignity - but were also able to keep him safe. Something living with us couldn't give him. I came home one night from work and found him in the backyard, while it was snowing, in shorts and no shoes.

Janis

 

[MrsPete]

Quit her job at 50? I'm almost 50, and there's absolutely no reason I'd need to quit for physical reasons. Some of my friends aren't quite as spry as I am, but none of them are over-the-hill or unable to work in some capacity!

Here's the silver lining: Quitting your job doesn't mean you can never go back and find another job at some point in the future. That's the obvious answer. She needs another job.

 

[2disneyboys]

#1 I agree w/ previous poster.. if this is unusual behavior, call her dr!

While DH & I will do anything needed to take care of any one of our parents, this theory is based on them being unable to take care of themselves. othewise, lack of planning on thier part does NOT make this MY problem.

I would tell mommy dearest that she needs to get a job, she needs to take care of all of her debts (perhaps enroll in a credit counseling group?) and that you will be happy to provide emotional support and "be there" for her, but that does not include financial assistance nor residence in your property.

good luck op

 

[HM]

OP? Any news on what's happening with your mother? Have you responded to her?

 

[TRICKY_TINK]

I just got back on this board. I've read all the posts. First off, no she didn't retire she quit. She felt they were going to fire her. Stupid I know cause now even though she work for the company for 17 year she won't get unemployment. Worse than that they liquidated her 401k and mailed her the check...she cashed it! So next year she will have a hefty tax. She is living off that and her royalty. The land is protected as a trust so creditors cannot get it. I know this because it's not the first time she has been so far in debt, she has claimed bankrupt before. Also two husbands whom she was married to and supported have tried for partial ownership of the royalties and failed. She spends money like it's going out of style. She is what I call a Floridiot. Which means native Floridian who thinks they are rich cause Northerner's with money came and bought a house next to them. Oh yea my sister is one too! I swear I must have been switched cause I'm nothing like either of them. So she is just spending what little she has, not paying down her debt or mortgage. I know what she is going to do. In a few years 2 max all that money will be gone and she will cry poor, homeless and starving to me and my sister. She has a medical record a mile long from the labor intensive job she held so she thinks she can't get a job for anyone cause they will look at her records and say no way. To top it off she has no medical coverage right with lifelong medical issues she is supposed to be medicating and going to therapy for. ugh I just don't even want to think about the situation she's put herself into.

 

[palmbeachmom]

I just got back on this board. I've read all the posts. First off, no she didn't retire she quit. She felt they were going to fire her. Stupid I know cause now even though she work for the company for 17 year she won't get unemployment. Worse than that they liquidated her 401k and mailed her the check...she cashed it! So next year she will have a hefty tax. She is living off that and her royalty. The land is protected as a trust so creditors cannot get it. I know this because it's not the first time she has been so far in debt, she has claimed bankrupt before. Also two husbands whom she was married to and supported have tried for partial ownership of the royalties and failed. She spends money like it's going out of style. She is what I call a Floridiot. Which means native Floridian who thinks they are rich cause Northerner's with money came and bought a house next to them. Oh yea my sister is one too! I swear I must have been switched cause I'm nothing like either of them. So she is just spending what little she has, not paying down her debt or mortgage. I know what she is going to do. In a few years 2 max all that money will be gone and she will cry poor, homeless and starving to me and my sister. She has a medical record a mile long from the labor intensive job she held so she thinks she can't get a job for anyone cause they will look at her records and say no way. To top it off she has no medical coverage right with lifelong medical issues she is supposed to be medicating and going to therapy for. ugh I just don't even want to think about the situation she's put herself into.

I'm sorry because I know this is going to sound harsh, but it kind of sounds like you aren't ready to try and separate yourself from her issues, be it out of love or maybe a little guilt, and as long as you let yourself be involved in HER problems, nothing will get better. She doesn't sound like she wants to help herself, so unless you take a stand and say "no way", you're going to have an ongoing extra dependent for the rest of her life. And that is really going to stink for your own family

 

[mm1971]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

Let me answer in two ways:

1 - Because your mom has put herself in this position and has the health and means to get herself out of it, I say stick to your guns and tell her to behave like an adult and not a teenager/child. Be responsible and do the right thing.

2 - In the situation where either of my parents were unable to take care and support themselves, I would not hesitate to do whatever I could to help them (including living in my home). We are nearing that situation with my in laws. Health issues and potential income (not correctable) reductions may create a situation where the families will need to assist in some ways.

Unfortunately, family is family. She will always be your mom. I would tell her how you feel and provide whatever help you can without putting yourself in the same position. I would in no way allow her to sleep on my couch for the foreseeable future. Good luck!