Caring for elderly parent

[SpecialK]

My dad is 92 and has been in good health until he started failing about 2 years ago. He's still competent and able to take care of himself, but he needs a lot more help than he used to. He has three children but I live the closest so most of it has fallen on me.

It's sometimes been difficult juggling my family and his needs, but I really feel I've done my best. Lately, he's been complaining to other family members that I'm not doing that much for him. I'm hurt and angry, and I really feel like flaking out on him completely lke my older sister has. Other times I'm consumed with guilt.

He was always a difficult man so it's not like I feel that his attitude is a result of dementia. He doesn't recognize that I'm juggling a number of responsibilities. I can't face him right now as a result of this and I'm wondering what to do next.

Anyone else ever struggled with a similar situation?

 

[Scratch42]

Scratch

 

[FTWFAN]

I have been in your place and it is not an easy place to be!In June 2000, my Mom passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer. She left behind my Dad who was 83. A few months later, he began having trouble getting around so my sis and I decided to start staying with him at night. At that time my kids were ages 2, 3 and 11. I also worked full time! It was very difficult. After a long day at work, I would go home and get my family situated and then go to my Dad's(every other night). I would get there, fix his dinner, listen to him tell me that I didn't do it right, clean the kitchen(something else he said I didn't do well enough), straighten the rest of the house and then try to get him to bed. The next morning--get myself dressed, fix his breakfast(if I fixed oatmeal he would want grits and vice versa), I never made his coffee the way he liked it, etc. Do you see where this is going?????I griped, I complained, I cried at some of the things he said to me and many times I did not want to go stay with him. Sometimes, I just wanted to yell at him that I was doing the best I could!!!!!!Then, 6 days from the 1yr anniversary of my Mom's death, he passed away in his sleep while I was fixing dinner.
After all my griping and complaining, I would give my right arm to have him, and my Mom, back! I would clean, cook or do anything they wanted. Even if it were just for one day!
I know what you are going through is very trying! But remember, he is your Dad and one day he will be gone!
I am sorry this is so long. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest also. Because like I said, I do know how you feel!!!!! Hugs to you! If you need to talk, just pm me!

 

[CarolA]

I have not gotten there with my parents, but we went through this with my Grandmother. The older she got the MEANER she got, by the end she was just horrid. (The nurses in the hosptial would run in and out! I can't blame them!)

I have always admired my fathers late wife. She never knew my Grandmother before the mean set in and she was as good as gold to her! My Grandmother was so mean to her and insisted on calling her THAT WOMAN!

 

[arminnie]

Almost three years ago I took early retirement and moved from the San Francisco area to Arkansas to move in with my father who is now 83.

He's really in pretty good shape most of the time - but boy when he is not it is all of the things that you all have mentioned.

When he was recuperating from a knee replacement two years ago he told the doctors that I was NEGLECTING HIM AND WOULD NOT FEED HIM!

I guess they've seen all of this before - this was at the Reynold Center on Aging - which is a nationally recognized geriatric center (one of the top ten in the country) as they did not call social services on me.

We did get a referral to a dietician. My dad told her that I did not know how to cook (I am considered a very good cook by others) and that my oatmeal was lumpy. Bless her heart she laughed and told him that he should fix his own oatmeal! Which he does to this day. He's convinced that he was dying and that oatmeal saved his life.

Because my dad has had no major health problems other than a heart bypass 15 years ago he is just a bear when he is not up to par. He is convinced that he is going to die (we are all going to die at some point) if he has any aches or pains. The man has never had a headache in his life so the slightest pain drives him crazy.

I've tried to have a sense of humor about all of this - it's easier for me to laugh at his grumpiness than to feel hurt or angry.

 

[Bildmouse]

Took care of my elderly mom for many years before she died. She would call her friend and tell her I was never there and did nothing when I was. This friend lived across the street and saw that I was there daily. At the time I had two in high school that were able to come to her house for lunch and two little ones that grew up going to gram's everyday before they were old enough to go to school. I would drop the younger ones off at school and go to her house and do the cleaning and laundry before she got up so she never SAW me doing a lot of things. My DB lived at home and I would try to fix dinner for the two of them before I left to get the kids from school and take care of my house. She just got very mean in the last few years of her life and there would be many days I would go home and cry. It wasn't easy but I know I did the best I could with the situation.

 

[SpecialK]

Thanks for the replies. I'm usually able to blow off his moodiness but this time I just snapped. It helps to hear about what other people have faced. Thank you for sharing.

 

[btass]

Did you ever have fights with your siblings over the elderly parent?

My father just had a "slight stroke" and my brother and one of my sisters has been getting at me for not calling them every minute of every day to update them on his progress and where he is (hospital/home). They are counting on me because I live 5 mins. from my parents house.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think the crankiness comes from the relaization that they need to ahve someone there. I mean picture yourself...right now you are a functional indpeendent adult, but little by little, as you age, you will be less functional, you will lose some of what you were a little bit every day. Things that used to take you 5 minutes to do will take you 10 etc. It's natural to lash out at those closest to you, because you feel the most comfrotable around tehm.

 

[SpecialK]

That's part of the problem here. I have two older sisters. The oldest is childless, lives about 45 min. away, and only sees my dad at holidays which my other sister and I host. She calls him once a year - to thank him for the birthday check which he sends religiously.

My other sister lives about 30 min. away and basically only comes around when I'm on vacation. She doesn't work, her youngest is 15, and she's always "too busy" to help out. I told her last week that I need help and she agreed to take on more responsiblity for our dad's care. I'm really hoping she follows through.

 

[Mercy]

Have you considered putting him in an assisted living facility? I recently put my mom in one. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, but in January we found it had spread to her brain. She has done well with her treatments, but could not be on her own any longer.

I work and have 2 kids, and my brother and his wife both work and they have 3 kids. Anyway she has been there for about 3 months, and it has worked out well. I know she is in a safe place and is being taken care of. I visit her often and she seems to have adjusted to where she is. I know they are expensive, and I don't know what your dad's financial situation is, but I just thought I would make the suggestion.

 

[froglady]

I'm caring for an elderly parent, and I understand.

A few years ago (when they were both alive) I attended a series of classes at my church. That helped me so much.

The geriatric specialist said something that has always stayed with me. Basically, you can't possibly do enough,so you have to decide how much you can do. Then, decide how everything else can be done.

My dad didn't want a cleaning lady. I insisted, and paid for it myself. I felt that my time was best served accompanying them to doctors' appointments, paying bills, and taking them shopping.

I forced them to move into housing for the elderly about a mile away.. Well, actually, my husband did. He told them that unless they eased my burden, he would do all in his power to keep me from running myself ragged,even if we had to cut all ties with them. They hated it, but after my father died (6 months after the move) mymother admitted that it was the best thing they did.

Remember that their complaints are sometimes all they have, and they have lots of idle hours to sit around thinking about them, and becoming more frustrated that they can't do anything about it.

No matter how much you do, there will ALWAYS be more that you could have done for them. You're going to feel guilty no matter what you do, so do what you can and ignore the rest.

I found it interesting that when I was without power, and so busy taking care of day to day needs, my mother was more independent than she had been for months! hmmm

BTW, one participant in my class died last year. The last I heard, his mother is still going strong.

 

[JayBee]

When my brother decides to stop by Mom's once every other week it's a BIG Announcement! Whoo-hoo "L" visited her!! yipee!!!............well I'm there 3 mornings a week, getting her bathed,changing the diaper, doing her hair, doing the shot and although she does thank me it's never.."Gosh , Jaybee came by today!!!"

 

[SpecialK]

Mercy - We have considered ***'t living but he won't hear of it. He's competent so we can't force it. It would make all of our lives easier and he could certainly afford it, but our hands are tied.

froglady - Thanks for those tips - you offer a good perspective.

JayBee - How about it??!! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[chrissyk]

I've watched my mother bend over backwards to care for the elderly parents who abused her as a child. Actually, they're still pretty darned abusive, but at least now she could walk away from it if she chose to. I'll be honest. I'm SICK of this! My mother is nearly 65 years old herself, and these people have ALWAYS come first. My mother lives her life to serve them. She calls herself their "slave," and says that they raised her to be a slave.

Of course, it's never enough for them either. My grandfather regularly takes nasty spills, but my grandmother never calls 911. She calls my parents, who are no spring chickens themselves, to come hoist him off the floor yet again. The last time he did end up in the hospital, and social services did get involved. They have done exactly NOTHING to force my grandparents into assisted living, though. My grandparents could easily afford it, too, but they prefer to be a huge burden on my mother.

I'm sorry to vent here, but I'm so sick of it I can't even put it into words. DH and I decided to move to FL to get away from that family. They expected me and my sister to help take care of them too. My sister fell for it somewhat (but has wised up). I basically refused to cater to them, so they consider me a bad person and leave me alone. Now we're here in FL in our new house, and I couldn't be happier to be far away from that awful situation!!