Caring for elderly 86 mom....older sibs are not helping

[Breezy_Carol]

I think the other stresser is...my mom has put my sister and my brother to a lesser degree on a pedestal...She makes sure their birthdays, Christmas are never forgotten....She will not rock the boat with them at all, tells me I should apolgize to my sister for making her feel bad for not coming to help.... This year I didnt even get a Happy b day...She asked me last yr what I got with the Christmas $$ she gave me...I told her "you didnt give me anything for Christmas"...she said " oh, I thought I told you to just write yourself a check".....this was a month after Christmas and she spends Christmas day at my house, opens gifts in the am with us.... She remembers the one dinner my sister made her after my dads funeral. She will rave about how wonderful it was...11 yrs later.

I feel for you. My 85 yo mom lives in a retirement community.

I always make sure everyone in the family gets a card and a check for any event but my birthday gets forgotten. My brother could call and remind her of one day a year.

She is currently staying with me for a week because she had minor surgery and needs twice a day wound care. My brother lives 5 hours away and shows up on Mother's Day and is the chosen one. Before my father passed away, I drove 50 miles one way, three times a week to visit and help for over 3 months. My brother came 3 times. He gave the eulogy and wasn't he wonderful. I understand the resentment.

I have no advice, just

 

[PaulaSue]

to everyone going through this.

My family is going through this with my GM and my other side just did this with my Nana.

It really has waken me up to the facts of life, that Dh and I are both onlies, and we need to get a plan for our parents and ourselves so our kids don't have too.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I could have written the OPs post. My parents are both in their 80s and need constant care. I moved back to my hometown 12 years ago to be near them when their health problems started. I am the youngest of 5 and I am the ONLY one who does anything for them. My siblings are truly worthless human beings and only breeze into town the week after Xmas to collect their gifts. For the most part, they don't call or write other than the obligatory Mothers Day cards. My sibs expect me to take care of the parents while somehow managing to keep my job (that requires me to travel alot), maintain my household and most importantly raise my 2 children. My DH does more for my parents than my siblings ever have.

I have 2 close friends who are going thru the same thing with sick older parents and siblings that refuse to help. We joke that we need to start a "Worthless Siblings Club".

My Mother cries and begs not to be put into a nursing home or assisted living. How can you not react when your 81 year old Mother is sobbing?

to everyone caring for elderly parents.

 

[arminnie]

My Mother cries and begs not to be put into a nursing home or assisted living. How can you not react when your 81 year old Mother is sobbing?

I know it is TERRIBLY hard, but at some point (and your mother may not be there yet) you have to think about her safety and well-being vs. her wishes. Just like you don't let a 5 year old child play in the street even if they cry to.

We went through this with my uncle's wife. He was trying to take care of her (no children), and it just wasn't working. We (nieces and nephews) helped a lot, but finally had to get the social worker at the hospital involved. They refused to release her back to her home because she was not going to get appropriate care.

After she was in a nursing home she actually was quite happy. She loved the attention. We took my uncle into our home after hospitalizations several times until he too finally had to go into a nursing home.

When someone finally needs 24/7 care it cannot be done by one person. My best friend (an only child) was TOTALLY devoted to her mother with Alzheimers. I cannot describe what all she did for her. But she did realize that she was not doing her mother a favor by keeping her at home. She put her in a good nursing home and visited her at least 2-3 times a day.

 

[ksjayhawks]

My 85 yr old dm lives with us. When we got out of town, she goes to the nursing home for respite care as she should not be on her own. You will need to get her doctor to write a letter stating that she cannot be on her own and needs the care, you will need her current meds, and last physical report for sure. Check with a nursing home and get it arranged in advance so that you will have everything--paperwork wise--that you will need.

It is pricey, but so worth it. My mom is good mentally, but physically she isn't and just can't be left alone. If she fell, she would never be able to get up. I have no sibs, so it gets to be quite a burden at times and we need the break.

It may be time for you to put her in a home. You are her caregiver and there with her all the time so you are the one who needs to make this decision. If dx and db don't like it, remind them that they can take her in their home and care for her. Be sure to get power of attorneys written up and a will. I would do that soon if it is not already done.

Good luck.

 

[momof2inPA]

It took me a long time to make peace with myself. I listen to Joyce Meyer and Dr. Laura to help through my rough patches. I try to look forward always. (It isn't easy sometimes.)

Oh, gee, I hope you take better care of your mom than Dr. Laura took of hers.

 

[DISUNC]

I'm in the same boat as you OP! I am the sole caretaker to both my aged parents. Both have serious illnesses. Had to alter my whole life around (job/living arrangement...etc) to do this.
All my siblings help as much as they can, except for one. If fact my one sibling just likes to ! My choice is to ignore this sibling. No time for this foolishness.

This is a monumental task, and most times can "suck the life" out of you. Assisted living is rather pricey for 2, and my mother would never survive outside her home. I have tried day nurses, etc...but unfortunately do to my parents...."attitude" none of the health care workers last very long!

For me, I have many friends who are in the same position so this HELPs Greatly! We get on the phone & "kvetch". I will be going on vacation the end of July.....and it cant come soon enough! Have to make many arrangements well in advance, health care workers, food, cleaning services...etc. However I told my siblings for this 2 week period I am gone....JUST DO IT! I dont want to hear otherwise.

Take it one day at a time...BUT plan AS much as you can in advance!

 

[XYSRUS]

My family has been where you are now. Mom wanted to live in her house. All of the kids didn't want to pitch in to help. Only two of them did all the work. Well that went on for a while until the two were burned out. Me, being one of the two. Anyway, we all decided to move mom to an independent living apartment. Different from assissted living, but still expensive. Her needs are totally met. She is in a physically safe environment, meals, cleaning, socializes with peers her own age etc. It is definately expensive but 1. I don't expect an inheritance. My gosh, it's her money and she should use it for her care. 2. Everyone stays sane and you can concentrate on your immediate family. 3. Caring for an elderly person/family doesn't come cheap. So save for the rainy day in your life. I know it's exhausting and maddening. You have to decide on what's right for you. As far as your sister is concerned, I really wouldn't talk to her again. Break off the toxic relationship even if it is family. Maybe your brother could give some money each month or just take mom out shopping or to lunch. P.S. I bet your mom defends your sister til the day she dies. AAARGGH
Good luck.

 

[mylilnikita]

Hi
I am sorry you having to go through that. I am an only child, well a 38 year old child-lol and I live with DM, who has beginning Parkinson's, but she is able to get around. When DH left- -my DF told me to come stay with them because one day I would need to help them out. Before I get slammed for living with my parents: I paid rent, cooked, cleaned, took Dad to chemo. Well, unfortunately it was true, DF was diagnosed with lung cancer in late 2003 and the following July he passed away. DM had pneumonia last summer and had surgery on her lung and was in the hospital for a month and a half including going to a rehab. And I went sometimes twice a day.So it is DD7, DM-73 this year and myself. DF made sure DM was taken care of financially, but I make sure everything gets paid and still do everything around the house, except the lawn, I pay someone for that. I have had stair railings put on the outside steps and have left an area open so heaven forbid I need to put in a wheelchair ramp in.
When my GM was alive, DM tried to take care of her, but no offense,but DM has always been a little self absorbed, so that didn't go over very well. Her siblings that were still alive, my uncle who was being too much of a horn dog and my aunt who lived in MD would even come down to VA without telling my GM, so GM ended up going in a nursing home. Funny thing about when people go into nursing homes or pass away, all the people who come out of the wood work to see what they can get.
Well the irony is my aunt who didn't want to help decided to move to Fl and help elderly, sitting with them ,running errands. And now, kharma has rolled around, she doesn't have anyone to take care of her and has been having medical problems, my uncle passed away a few years ago, so now it is just DM and my aunt for our immediate family.
I take DD on a vacation every year and DM has a companion aide come in for a few hours each day that I am gone. She is capable of doing things, but when DF retired, he took over all of the duties and DM just makes food for herself, but doesn't clean or anything else.
I don't know what I would do if I had a sibling that didn't help. I remember the year DF died I plan my vacations a year in advance and everyone had their own opinion about leaving DM a few months after DF passed away. How dare I have a life for myself and DD. So I had to break it down to them, my DF would have wanted me to go on the trip. His last week, prior to knowing it was his last week, I was going to take DD to state fair and he was mad that I said I wasn't going. The day I was going to go originally was the day he passed away. I told him if anything happened and I wasn't there, I would never forgive myself, so he knew I was going on vacation at the end of the year and told me to whatever happens for me to go. DD is my only child and I don't know how to figure out how she wont have to take care of me when I am older.

 

[froglady]

mylilnikita,

You ask how you can prevent being a burden to your daughter? There are no guarantees in life, but there ARE somethings that may lessen your chances.

My mother was told 30 years ago that she needed to lose weight, or would become diabetic. She was told that the extra weight was putting strain on her arthritic joints, and would cause her pain in later years. She was told that she needed to move more, which would help with losing the weight, and would keep her more flexible.

She didn't do any of this back then, and the pigeons have come home to roost. She would almost joke about it! "Oooh, my doctor would be so mad if he saw me eating this, but it's just so good."

She refused to take an active part in her health care, and left it to others. She doesn't have the faintest idea of what medical conditions she has, what meds she's taking, and what she should be doing to help herself. Her previous apartment offered an exercise class geared towards the elderly three times a week. She would always "forget" or it was "too early" or "I'm just too tired" when I started calling her at 8AM because of the other excuses.

Quite frankly, the only way I could keep her healthy was to be with her every day, pushing her every inch of the way.

So my advice is to take care of yourself, be as healthy as possible, have a variety of interests, both active and quiet, and try to have a good enough relationship with your child to be able to discuss the tough issues, and follow through. My mother always said that when my father died, she wanted to move into a certain facility where assisted living was available. When the day came, she fought me for 4 years until it HAD to be done...4 years when I had to do all of her shopping, laundry (she is now incontinent, and has been so for two years), taking care of medications, driving to doctor's appointments, taking care of her cat, etc

So do what you can NOW to make your life, and your daughter's, better LATER.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Been there, done that. Sibs didn't want to help, criticized the care I provided, and the most galling part was that my sibs DIDN'T WANT my parents but in my mother's eyes, they could do no wrong. I didn't entertain her enough, take her out to dinner enough, drive her around enough, keep a clean enough house, etc., etc. but my sibs were darn near perfect in her eyes. They got the , I got the criticism.

When I worked in a geriatric psych unit, one of the nurses I worked with (who didn't know about my experience) mentioned that it's always the child who is the caregiver who the parent ends up thinking so little of and not appreciating!

After a year, I told my sibilings it was someone else's turn and they needed to discuss among themselves who would take my parents next (they are all middle class and had an extra bedroom available). They were LIVID but my brother ended up taking them and also apologized to me for not having helped before (my dad had Alzheimers for a long time before he came to live with me and only a couple of us were helping out him and mom).

I still don't wish to speak to my 3 sisters--none of us were ever particularly close anyway, and after being ganged up on and told how horrible I was to expect them to help, there is no love lost there. (One of my sisters who was so critical of me finally invited my mom to live with her and after 4 months, packed her up and sent her back to live with my brother! She couldn't take it!)

Assisted living is expensive, but at 86, your mom will probably not outlive the $$ she would have from selling her house (and as another person mentioned, she may do well in an idependent living apartment and not even need assisted living). I think you owe it to yourself and your own family to consider this as an option--you should not feel guilty about wanting time and attention for your own kids.

 

[Chris2597]

I appreciate all of the advise and stories of your own. It is heartwrenching. I am so worried about her....One of the saving parts of her in her home is my ds 20 that lives with her....He of course...is 20 so he is out and about much of the time,but comes in and out and keeps an eye on things. I call daily and/or go over, I also have a lady that comes in 3-5 dyas a week to assist with food preg, tidying up the kidchen, bathing and just sitting to talk....This has been wonderful. I worry about how long this situation will stay enough. Her hip is in so much pain right now. She had hip replacement surgery on her right hip last year, recovered, fell and fractured her pelvis this spring, went to rehab and recovered and has been home doing very well. Physical therapy comes to the house 3 times a week which has been great. but I dont know how much longer that will happen. She says her left hip is hurting. The concensus is arthritis and she is full of osteropororis. Poor mom she is so frail....and it seems that everytime I visit....something else is not right.

 

[tiggerlover]

I am sorry that you are the sole caretaker of your elderly mother. I am on the other side of this, I am the daughter that lives 8 hours away while two of my sisters take care of mom (79) most of the time. Mom lives on her own since my father passed last year, she is just around the block from my middle sister and she (unfortuneately) gets mom 24/7 (sometimes she is very overwhelmed). My oldest sister is 30 min away and does see mom several times a week. I know that it is a big burden for my middle sister and I try to do what I can from a far, but it is limited. Mom is self-sufficient, but has become very forgetful and is for the first time experiencing bill-paying and life on her own. I visit when I can and mom comes down by me for a long weekend here and there (she doesn't like to be away too long), but that is all I can manage. Dh and I work full time, we have a child who goes to school and simply can't afford to go home more than a couple of times a year (monetary wise and vacation time wise). We do our best, but sometimes I feel guilty that DSIS has such a burden at times. My brother lives about 12 hours from mom and usually doesn't do much of anything. For my part it isn't a lack of not wanting to help out more, it is just that I am limited in what I can do.

 

[froglady]

tiggerlover,

As the caretaker sib, I know there is still a lot you can do to "help" from afar. First and foremost, once in a while it's nice to recognize all your sib is doing.

I received a card thank-you card from one brother who never calls me (but he does call my mother) thanking me for all I do. Trust me, that helps! Another brother sent me flowers out of the blue, just to cheer me up. That made my day.

Don't forget to remember you parent's birthday, mother/father's day, Easter, Christmas, etc. My mother is so excited by any mail she gets; she has a special box where she saves every note and card! Photos of children are always appreciated, and she shares them with everyone in the facility.

When it's time to send a gift, check with your caretaking sib. Your parent might really want something, but is afraid to ask. Also, there may be health changes that preclude certain gifts. My mother really can't eat the whole box of chocolate one brother sends her every Christmas without creating health problems. And does my brother really think that she doesn't know it's the same gift he sends EVERYONE, including his business clients?

So be creative. Sometimes just paying attention to your parent through cards, letters, phone calls, etc is an immense help to the caretaker.

 

[LoraJ]

I think the DIS needs a Caregiver support group.

To the OP, I send you .

I agree with those who say you should just have mom go into an assisted care facility for a week or two so you can get a much needed break. I am sure she would understand.

My BF and I have been taking care of his dad who has been in and out of the hospital since March fighting colon cancer. My BF is the only relative in the area so he's carried most of the burden. Some family has been sending money. His dad's ex-wife and daughter came up for a weekend and that was great. But so far we've had to cancel 2 vacations, our place is a dissaster because we basically go to work, go to the hospital come home, eat dinner, sleep. My BF moved in around the time his dad first went in to the hospital, so he's not really unpacked yet. We do what we can for ourselves, but it usually comes down to maybe a movie or going out to eat once a week.

What we've been going through makes me question my own fate. I don't have any children. Who will take care of me when I am older? So scary.

 

[tiggerlover]

tiggerlover,

As the caretaker sib, I know there is still a lot you can do to "help" from afar. First and foremost, once in a while it's nice to recognize all your sib is doing.

I received a card thank-you card from one brother who never calls me (but he does call my mother) thanking me for all I do. Trust me, that helps! Another brother sent me flowers out of the blue, just to cheer me up. That made my day.

Don't forget to remember you parent's birthday, mother/father's day, Easter, Christmas, etc. My mother is so excited by any mail she gets; she has a special box where she saves every note and card! Photos of children are always appreciated, and she shares them with everyone in the facility.

When it's time to send a gift, check with your caretaking sib. Your parent might really want something, but is afraid to ask. Also, there may be health changes that preclude certain gifts. My mother really can't eat the whole box of chocolate one brother sends her every Christmas without creating health problems. And does my brother really think that she doesn't know it's the same gift he sends EVERYONE, including his business clients?

So be creative. Sometimes just paying attention to your parent through cards, letters, phone calls, etc is an immense help to the caretaker.

I am in close contact with my sisters and I do let them know I appreciate them. Although I have never thought to send flowers, that is a good suggestion. I talk to my mom several times a week and I do send her things through the mail, some times I just call to say hey hope you are having a nice day. So I do my part as best that I can and I am grateful for my sisters.

 

[froglady]

I am in close contact with my sisters and I do let them know I appreciate them. Although I have never thought to send flowers, that is a good suggestion. I talk to my mom several times a week and I do send her things through the mail, some times I just call to say hey hope you are having a nice day. So I do my part as best that I can and I am grateful for my sisters.

Then it sounds like you're doing a lot more than most of my sibs. Seriously, I understand my siblings' limitations, (two of my older brothers have childrenYOUNGER than mine, and I had my last atage 42!) but it sure was nice when they acknowledged that my efforts are making THEIR lives easier.

 

[tiggerlover]

Then it sounds like you're doing a lot more than most of my sibs. Seriously, I understand my siblings' limitations, (two of my older brothers have childrenYOUNGER than mine, and I had my last atage 42!) but it sure was nice when they acknowledged that my efforts are making THEIR lives easier.

I am trying my best and I know they understand. I would love to live where they all do, but the cost of living there is out of my reach, so I do what I can. I think that is all we can do, do the best we can and remember the sacrifices of our siblings. And again, thanks for the flower suggestion, I think I will do that for my sister.

 

[Chris2597]

I am sorry that you are the sole caretaker of your elderly mother. I am on the other side of this, I am the daughter that lives 8 hours away while two of my sisters take care of mom (79) most of the time. Mom lives on her own since my father passed last year, she is just around the block from my middle sister and she (unfortuneately) gets mom 24/7 (sometimes she is very overwhelmed). My oldest sister is 30 min away and does see mom several times a week. I know that it is a big burden for my middle sister and I try to do what I can from a far, but it is limited. Mom is self-sufficient, but has become very forgetful and is for the first time experiencing bill-paying and life on her own. I visit when I can and mom comes down by me for a long weekend here and there (she doesn't like to be away too long), but that is all I can manage. Dh and I work full time, we have a child who goes to school and simply can't afford to go home more than a couple of times a year (monetary wise and vacation time wise). We do our best, but sometimes I feel guilty that DSIS has such a burden at times. My brother lives about 12 hours from mom and usually doesn't do much of anything. For my part it isn't a lack of not wanting to help out more, it is just that I am limited in what I can do.

Tigerlover
I would be over the top happy if my sibs did a fraction of what you are doing. I think you are doing more than most out of town sibs concerning care of the elderly parent. It is not reasonable to feel that out of town sibs can help to the same degree that an adult child living in the same town can do....I have never placed those expectations on my siblings. However, they could and should be doing a lot more than they are. It would not hurt them to come out once a year or at the very least once every 2.....to not only visit mom but to give me a rest.

 

[kaw1218]

First of all to all of you. I think it is great that there are so many children willing to help their elders. I am also glad that your first thoughts were NOT to send them to a nursing home(my sis works at one-not horrible but not great either)They are sooooo depressing.


I think you are all wonderful people. I know it is very hard not to be resentful. My mom took care of her MIL for 16 years before she passed away.
Its hard. We never went on vacations as a child.....to this day my mom resents that. Hopefully you can arrange for a small vacation. You do need time to yourselves.
I will definately send some prayers and pixie dust your way. I think you definately need it. Hopefully everything will get easier and things will work out.