Caring for elderly 86 mom....older sibs are not helping

[Chris2597]

My dh and I have been caring for my mom (age 86) for a number of years, as her health has failed to due age, illness, and injury. She is living in her own home, which is about 5 minutes from our house. My older sibs live about 1200 miles away, call weekly, show concern, but dont visit. As she has become more frail I have asked my sister to respite me so that I can get away a couple of times a year (1 week, twice a year). My sister tells me that I can not expect : her to "drop everything" and rush out here to watch mom....so I can have a break. I told her that we could set this up months in advance so that it would be convenient to both of us and that her expenses would be paid if $$ is an issue. I have a helper that comes in several times a week to help with hygeine and cooking...so it basically would be someone to just be there..... I think my brother would come out for one of the weeks but he has his own health issues and it would be awkward if mom needed help dressing....My sister told me that she would be here if "something happens", meaning moms funeral but cant commit to help with her care. My sister and her dh go on NASCAR trips and have total freedom....I guess she is making sure it stays that way...
I am sure I am not the only one that is caring for their parent with no help from their siblings. How do you handle it ....Caring for the parent while on vacation, resentment towards sibs that are not helping, what do you say to them, ect....
I am resenting my roll as caregiver so much lately....I try not to let my mom see my resentment(she is innocent in all of this)..This has been going on for years and years and I am tired. I am not an only child and I am sick of hearing about the help I will get "someday".....My sister and I are not on speaking terms at the moment, as I told her that her mom needed her now, not when she was gone (this was after her I will help you when something happens to mom comment)and if that is what she is waiting for she might as well not come then.

 

[luvwinnie]

I am so sorry. I think that is HORRIBLE of your sister. Thankfully, I have 2 great siblings and we all pitch in for my parents (esp. when my mom was so sick the last 8 mths of her life), but DH's brother moved away and even when he lived here wasn't much help when their dad was sick. It's very sad. In a way, you have to feel sorry for them because imagine how they will feel when their parents are gone...and it's too late to show them they love them. I think I would write sis a long letter detailing how you feel, but honestly, if she doesn't have it in heart to be there for your mom, nothing will change her mind. Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter.

 

[Ranatra]

Shame on your sister for her totally SELFISH behaviour.
In no way should caring for your Mother be totally on your shoulders! Your sister needs a good talking to, I can't believe she said that to you!!
She should be thanking her lucky stars that you are caring for your mother and she should do whatever she can to lighten your load.

I take care of my 81 year old Mother fulltime, she lives with us. She has heart problems and dementia. My twin sis helps me out tremendously, coming here 3-4 days a week and keeping my Mom whenever we go away. (she lives an hour away) She also takes her home with her 1 full weekend a month. (she works every other weekend)
But my 3 brothers, that's another story entirely. They don't even visit or call to see how she's doing. It used to make me very angry, but now I just know they're losers and they have to live with the decision they made to be
horrible sons.

*Edited to add: I understand about the awkwardness of your brother caring for your Mom, that's exactly why I never asked my brothers to stay with my Mom for any period of time while I had to be out. She needs help with bathroom stuff because of her dementia.
I just didn't think that they wouldn't visit either!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As far as resentment, I suppose you accept the fact that your sibs are not going to help and move on.
Now I don't have the exact situation you have, but I do understand sib resentment.

It took me a long time to make peace with myself. I listen to Joyce Meyer and Dr. Laura to help through my rough patches. I try to look forward always. (It isn't easy sometimes.)

Do you have power of attorney for your mom? I would start there. Frankly I would make sure her affairs are in order since you are the primary caregiver.
I know hiring people to come in sounds odd for sure and expensive.
I don't have a solution for your mom in that regard but I am sure if you do some digging you can come up with one.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[PrincessDeb]

I am in a similar situation with my DMIL. She's 83 and still lives alone much to my husband's DS and DB's digust. My husband is much younger than them (different father). They both moved away years ago and act like they're doing us a favor any time they visit her (which used to be about once a year). Because we are around (and are the only ones with kids), his mother has done alot for us financially. Last year when she was very sick with uterine cancer, they both came into town to try to railroad her into a home since they didn't want to have to "worry about her" anymore. (Thankfully, she pulled out if it!) Now they have both disowned her (and us of course) because she won't move and she's given us so much for helping her. I am grateful that my husband's ex-wife is a geriatric nurse-she's been the one helping us. It's pathetic. Good luck with your situation. I know it's hard being a caregiver. I'd like to keep DMIL out of the home as long as possible.


Deb

 

[miss missy]

This makes me so sad! I know I am heading this way with mine. When the time comes and Mom needs help, I see the writing on the wall. I have no answers, but I have a lot of heart for what you are going through.

 

[chris1gill]

Well, my FIL lives with us, he's 88 with alzheimer's... my MIL is still alive, but she's not able to care for him on her own, or at least not safely able to care for him..... She's able to sit with him for short times if we really need to get out and do something...

Anyhow, they both live with us, my DH wound up cleaning out and selling one of their homes... Now he is cleaning out another of their homes, it's taken 21 dumpsters... see a problem here? It's taken him years to do this... it's almost done, then he'll have to sell it... then there will be one more house after that, with probably the same number of dumpsters IMHO.... it's a bad situation....

Does his brother help AT ALL??? NO... not one finger for NOTHING.... I'm disabled myself, but yet I still help to care for HIS father?! They helped ONCE when we went on vacation a number of years ago, after that they said they could no longer do that.... FIL was too much for them apparently?

I'm quite resentful of them personally... my MIL is too & it's her son! But, regardless, I think when the parents are gone, there will be no relationship between DH & his brother... it's just what it is...

 

[rascalmom]

This thread is an eye-opener for me. Being an only child at this point, there won't be anyone around to help me with my own parents when that time comes. MIL lives about 6 miles from us, so her care will eventually fall to dh & I also. DH's sister lives in Washington state, so I don't see much help coming from her. Hugs to the OP and the others of you dealing with this - it is in my future & I feel for you.

 

[mtemm]

have you considered an assisted living facility? they can be so wonderful. your mom could have her own place, but still have people there if she should need them.

 

[DizBelle]

have you considered an assisted living facility? they can be so wonderful. your mom could have her own place, but still have people there if she should need them.

I agree. If Mom needs so much care, maybe an assisted living facility is the way to go. Then ALL of the kids would have significantly less burden.

 

[MAKmom]

My BF told her sibling a few years ago they needed long term disability insurance for their Mother. She said they all needed to chip in. 2 balked at the idea. She said fine Mom can live with you. They came up with the money.

She developed Alzheimer's in her 60's & is in Sunrise. She has a 1 bedroom apartment with kitchen & living room.

Your sister is a brat. Tell her even if your not going to do it that your Mom is going to sell her home & use all her money for an Assistant Living Center. Tell her it is ashamed all the MONEY will be gone. Tell her that you need your freedom. You get the point of the conversation. Hit the ball in her court & let her think about what you said for a few days.

 

[MinnieFan]

I can totally sympathize with you. We have had DH's elderly mother living with us for the past 14 years. The most frustrating thing is that DH and I can't do anything right in her eyes, while she thinks DH's brother (who never bothers to call, write or visit) is just wonderful. I thank heaven for DH's sister, who lives in another state, but who takes MIL to visit at her house for a couple of weeks a year so that we can take a vacation.

I don't know what you can do to melt your sister's icy heart, but bless yours for doing this difficult job.

 

[roseprincess]

to the OP and everyone else caring for their elderly parent/parents.
It is a hard thing to do, take care of aging parents, physically and mentally.
My 90 yr old grandma is in a nursing home for about 3 and a half yrs now. My grandma lived with my aunt and uncle for a few yrs, when she was ambulatory and didn't need much help. The past 5 yrs, grandma's health started going downhill and needed to be more wheelchair- bound due to her bad arthritis in her spine. When this started happening, my aunt kept whining to my mom that their mother had to go into a nursing home and if my mom can find a nursing home in our area. My aunt and uncle lived about 2000 miles away at the time. My aunt did help find a nursing home on hte internet for grandma and did some of the initial paperwork for medicaid for grandma.
Now, grandma is in a nursing home, a few miles from me and my parents.
The thing is, my aunt(my mom's sister) hardly visits my grandma. My aunt and uncle have moved about a few hundred miles from us (uncle is in the military), a lot closer than they were before. I could tell my mom has some resentment of my aunt(her sister) because she hardly comes to visit, only maybe once a yr. My aunt, who is a lot younger than my mom, about 18 yrs. younger than my mom, just doesn't want to come here to visit. My aunt has her own life and travels for school, all over the country. Aunt and uncle have grown chidren. I get upset that my aunt can't even show up 2 or 3 times a yr to see grandma?! So, it can happen like this, sibling resentment of who takes care of aging parent/parents. I do get on my mom's case that she should call my aunt and tell her to come visit a little more often. Even tho grandma is being taken care of in a nursing home, grandma wants family visiting as often as possible.

To the OP, an assisted living facilty or nursing home will take respite patients for a couple of weeks at the most, in case you want a break, vacation, etc. You could probably look into that at your local nursing home for your mother, just a temporary thing, so you can have a break.


Rosemarie

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters who've recommended looking into an assisted living facility. There are many lovely facilities that will offer your mother the care that she needs and give you the break that you need. I also agree with other posters that you should sell your mother's home and use her assets to help pay for her care expenses. There is no reason to "save" your Mom's assets so that your sibling gets an inheritance.

 

[Chris2597]

Thank you for all of the good wishes. I am very frustrated right now....I know someday i will look back and will be glad that I was here for my mom but right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. My dad died 11 yrs ago....so this has been going on for sometime. My sister is very selfish and I shouldnt be surprised by her. I have let her whine her excuses at me for years, cancelled my family plans because I couldnt leave mom and have tried to let it roll off of me. However, I have had enough. I think part of my problem is that I am looking back at all of the lost opportunities with my own family because I had to stay near home to look after mom.My kids have grown up and most of their memories revolve around caring for GM...The missed school functions, because mom was sick or needed me as I walked out the door for the choir concert, the cancelled vacation plans because of mom....The vacations that we went on but I had to arrange elaborate care plans for mom (it is hard enough planning a vacation, packing, ect...for a fam of 5 and then planning care for mom at home), worry about her while gone,,,ect....Nothing really has been strees free and relaxing....which has not been the case for my sister....she and her dh go to NASCAR, Palm Springs, Vegas, weekends at the lake, dinner out ect....without a care in the world. We dont even have a contact # for her in case of emergency while she is gone.
Asst living may be an option but she really wants to be in her own home. We are trying to make that possible for as long as we can...not to mention the high cost of Asst liv. Her $$ from saving and house would be gone in no time and medicare does not cover asst. liv, just nursing home care.
The last straw with my sister was when she promised to care for mom while I helped another family member that lives out of town. My mom was so excited that sis was going to come and help, visit....She commited 6 months prior to the date, a month before when I called to confirm...she said she wouldnt come out, never had intention of helping but it made it easier for her to say yes at the time....Now how is that for a slap in the face. I told her exactly how I have felt for all these yrs but had held back. It felt great to blast her but didnt change a thing, we have only talked once since.... She called me when mom had another health crisis and my brother had called her to tell her about it and she wanted to know more from me.
I think the other stresser is...my mom has put my sister and my brother to a lesser degree on a pedestal...She makes sure their birthdays, Christmas are never forgotten....She will not rock the boat with them at all, tells me I should apolgize to my sister for making her feel bad for not coming to help.... This year I didnt even get a Happy b day...She asked me last yr what I got with the Christmas $$ she gave me...I told her "you didnt give me anything for Christmas"...she said " oh, I thought I told you to just write yourself a check".....this was a month after Christmas and she spends Christmas day at my house, opens gifts in the am with us.... She remembers the one dinner my sister made her after my dads funeral. She will rave about how wonderful it was...11 yrs later.
The stress of dealing with an frail/sick elderely parent, daily living stress, stress from my own children (teens and young adult), and feeling very under appreciated is about to do me in. I dont want to praised from the rafters, but......

 

[arminnie]

To the OP, an assisted living facilty or nursing home will take respite patients for a couple of weeks at the most, in case you want a break, vacation, etc. You could probably look into that at your local nursing home for your mother, just a temporary thing, so you can have a break.

I think that's a great idea if your mother would agree to it. Just be sure to make it really clear that this is a temporary stay. She might actually like it.

I know that my grandfather had to go into a nursing home for a couple of weeks several times when he was recuperating from a hospital stay. He understood that it was temporary.

My parents used to do everything for my sister (12 years younger than me). They did all of her laundry, ironing and even cut her grass - she was in her 40s! I used to tell her not to complain if she had to spend more time taking care of them when they were older after all they did for her.

But when my mother got sick I moved 2000 miles across country to move in and help (my company let me telecommute). My sister did a lot, but I think it just comforted my mother more for me the oldest to be there and be in charge. My dad and my sister didn't know how to deal with the doctors. My brother (the billionaire with no job) on the other hand didn't even bother to come visit the last year and a half of her life. His loss.

I live with my dad - age 85 now. He's in great shape but doesn't clean. If I'm gone for a week or two my sister will come visit but doesn't help him with any housework. If there is an "accident" on the carpet I usually have to clean it up when I get home.

 

[EthansMom]

Asst living may be an option but she really wants to be in her own home.

Chris, you have a responsibility to see that your Mom is safe and well-cared for. But you also have a responsibility to live your life for yourself and your other family members as well (your kids, etc.). Despite your Mom's wishes, it is time to find another way for her to live that allows you the help you need.

You have spent the last 11 years making sure that your Mom got what she wanted. It's time to make sure that you get what you want and need.

Please look into assisted living. I know DH's grandmother is in assisted living and it is paid for largely with her SSI checks and each of her children kicks in a bit for the difference.

Good Luck!

 

[lisajl]

to you! My sister and I are dealing with this too. My sister gets to riled up about stuff though. Our mom has alzheimers and is in a nursing home. I have been trying to go see her this week but my oldest son has been sick and now I am getting it. My mom looks at it as I don't love her, never want to see her, etc. She yells at my sister about everything, tells us our DH's are having affairs, etc.
She is really getting worse.
One brother lives about 30 minutes away, the other about 1 1/2 hours away.
They did not even call her for Mother's Day. Our oldest sister lives in Dallas and could care less what happens to mom. She only wants moms tea set (that mom gave to me, cause I take care of her), and moms money.
My sister and I have hidden some of moms money. We have it in seperate accounts so the other siblings don't know about it.
If mom needs anything we buy it for her. Sometimes we use her money, usually we use our money, but we keep a running tab on everything we take out of her account. Just in case there are questions later.

Good luck to you.
Lisa

 

[froglady]

Chris, you have a responsibility to see that your Mom is safe and well-cared for. But you also have a responsibility to live your life for yourself and your other family members as well (your kids, etc.). Despite your Mom's wishes, it is time to find another way for her to live that allows you the help you need.

You have spent the last 11 years making sure that your Mom got what she wanted. It's time to make sure that you get what you want and need.

Please look into assisted living. I know DH's grandmother is in assisted living and it is paid for largely with her SSI checks and each of her children kicks in a bit for the difference.

Good Luck!

You are absolutely right! I've been sole caregiver for both parents since 2000, and just DM since my dad's death in 2002. I also have 4 brothers who for various reasons have not helped me (either distance or circumstances)

Moving my mother into assisted living this past month was very difficult, but it had to be done. Her memory is getting worse and worse, and she just needs more care on a day to day basis than I can give her. I also had to arrange "babysitter's" for her when I travelled, and I've had to come back early twice because of problems.

My DD's last year at home was just a blur, and I also missed out on DS's activities. DH had been getting so little of my time. My own health was suffering.

I would have continued on this way for God knows how much longer if the administrator of the senior's apartment where she was living hadn't sent me a letter stating that unless more daily care could be provided, DM would have to move to assisted living. That shifted the burden of making her move off of me and unto a non-family member.

OP, is there any way you could get someone else involved? A doctor, minister, neighbor? Perhaps if your loved one is told by someone else that moving would be best for all involved she would be more willing to accept it?
I know that DH had to intervene to get my parents to move from their home to someplace closer to ours, as the constant travelling was wearing me down, and taking too much time.

My mother's assisted living bill is paid monthly, and is HUD subsidized (but not in her case...yet) They are used to transferring the cost to medicaid, etc when the need arises. There is no way of knowing who is paying "full" price and who is not. The residents are given as much assistance as they need, but are encouraged to be independent. Some are not even considered "assisted" living; many still drive and work part time. They just want to be prepared if they need help suddenly, or don't want to worry about cooking their own meals, doing laundry and cleaning, etc.

As EthansMom said, after an initial "breaking in" period, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I feel as if a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and today I actually had time to do something "fun" with my mom.

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow, I am so sorry. Your sister is being very selfish. But, I think it is time that you accept that is the way it is and move on. I think I would just cut ties with her completely.