Care Facilities Placement

[WEDWDW]

Have any of you ever had to place a loved one in a care facility?

If so,was it a good experience or did you later have regrets?

 

[NannyBeBe]

We had to place my mother and my mother-in-law in car facilities. We had no issues with their care. The only complaint I had was that the food was atrocious. No salt, no sugar, no spices -- very bland. And of course the cost was very high. We drained all of their available funds and then drew on our own savings. It was a hard decision to make but in both cases, we were unable to physically care for them in our homes.

 

[kymom99]

My mom spent about a month in a nursing home before she died. They were nice enough but understaffed.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

My mom is starting year 10 at her memory care facility. I know it's an unusually long time, but it is what is it. There have never been regrets with either myself or my sister. I do not like that ownership just changed about 8 months ago. That is something that happens too often, everywhere and for all levels of care facilities. I think the food where my mom lives is very good. At this point, my mom's cost are mostly paid by a state program, supplemented by SSI.


VISIT as many places as you can, ask alot of questions.

 

[tvguy]

Not sure if every state has these, but California has Residential Care Facilities for the Elderly. They are in residential areas, no more than 6 residents, private room, large public area, 24 hour staff. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and had a stroke 2 days later in the hospital. The stroke meant living on her own was no longer an option, nor was any treatment of the cancer. She spent 6 weeks in a rehab center and their discharge staff discouraged me keeping her in a large facility like theirs. The concern being exposure to illnesses. They recommended the RCFE. It was as good a fit as could be expected. And they were set up for hospice care if that became necessary. She lived there for about a year before the cancer caught up with her. Her health insurance had an RN check on her every week. Her LTC insurance paid all but $600 a month of the cost. Her Social Security, and small pension were enough to cover that, and covered all the costs of keeping up her house, just in case she did recover enough to come home.

 

[tvguy]

My mom is starting year 10 at her memory care facility. I know it's an unusually long time, but it is what is it. There have never been regrets with either myself or my sister. I do not like that ownership just changed about 8 months ago. That is something that happens too often, everywhere and for all levels of care facilities. I think the food where my mom lives is very good. At this point, my mom's cost are mostly paid by a state program, supplemented by SSI.


VISIT as many places as you can, ask alot of questions.

That is an unusually long time. My mom did a LOT of homework before buying Long Term Care insurance. As I recall she said the average Long Term Care stay is 18 months. She bought coverage that would cover 3 years. Her instructions to me were that if she needed more care than 3 years, I was to dip into her savings, then tap into the equity in her house.
I was soooooooooooooooo fortunate that my mom did everything she could to plan for everything she might need at the end of her life. But still was tough. With a cancer diagnosis her immediate wish was to to have the lung impacted removed. We did not get far enough along in the decision making process to know if that was a reasonable option for an 89 year old in otherwise good health. She had a stroke two days later, and the Doctors said THAT took all cancer treatment options off the table.

 

[mommasita]

Yes, we had no choice with my father in law. He had Lewy body dementia.
He broke his hip, and after that we realized that as family it was no longer possible to provide him with the care he needed to keep him safe 24/7.

He was in a long term care home about 5 minutes from us, in a private room, and we all took turns going for all 3 meals each day. He didn’t eat much to be honest, but we wanted to know and see and note what he ate and watch some tv with him.
We would roll him outside in good weather. He had good and bad days, but the staff was excellent with him. My Sister in law became could friends with a PAB, and he would text her throughout the day. We would bring them all kinds of goodies, for they worked so hard, and we appreciated it.

He stayed until he sadly passed, about 3 months, we do not pay for these services.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Yes my mother is currently in a nursing home with dementia. She gets good care.

 

[HopperFan]

Moved MIL into memory care as FIL could no longer care for her. They lived more remote so quality home care was non-existent. She moved 5 minutes from us so OUR family spent a great deal of time with her. We were overall very happy with her care but were in process of looking at nursing homes as her physical care was becoming beyond the scope of the memory care facility. She passed before that happened.

It is not simple on any level and likely varies widely based on where you live, amount of services there and their financial ability to pay. I know after going through this with his Mom, DH insisted we get LTC insurance and make clear our wishes to the family. Here you either better have lots of money OR your options are extremely limited.

But to simply answer your question we experienced negative and positive things from the facility to extra services to family dynamics to cost to lack of options .... To live in a metro area and have such limited options in the overall picture was sad.

 

[longboard55]

My mom is 98 and has been in senior care for 10 years, started in a large assisted living and now in a residential care. Great care but very expensive. We have no choice, minds is gone and totally immobile, basically they sit in lazyboys all day. If they own a home I would do the in home care as long as possible, which is also expensive but cheaper than living in a facility. But there comes a time when that is not enough.

 

[Rogue1677x]

My dad was in a nursing home for a few months last year after falling and hitting his head again. While he was there, he fell out of the wheelchair a few times (kind of slid out and banged his head on nearby surfaces), until it got bad enough he had to be admitted to geriatric psych.

He's now permanently on a medical floor at the hospital because he's not eating.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mom is starting year 10 at her memory care facility. I know it's an unusually long time, but it is what is it. There have never been regrets with either myself or my sister. I do not like that ownership just changed about 8 months ago. That is something that happens too often, everywhere and for all levels of care facilities. I think the food where my mom lives is very good. At this point, my mom's cost are mostly paid by a state program, supplemented by SSI.


VISIT as many places as you can, ask alot of questions.

And don’t make an appointment.

 

[mjkacmom]

My MIL had to go to assisted living when FIL died (he was 96, she was 95). It was decent, SIL is a nurse nearby so she popped in several times a week. $11,000 a month out in the boonies. She passed after a year which funds left over.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mom is 98 and has been in senior care for 10 years, started in a large assisted living and now in a residential care. Great care but very expensive. We have no choice, minds is gone and totally immobile, basically they sit in lazyboys all day. If they own a home I would do the in home care as long as possible, which is also expensive but cheaper than living in a facility. But there comes a time when that is not enough.

My friend is paying $2000 a week for home care for her 96 year old mom.

 

[longboard55]

My friend is paying $2000 a week for home care for her 96 year old mom.

We are paying $12000 a month for live in care at a residence home with the 6 guests, which is at the higher end. But the worse part is they sold their home which has probably cost us another $500,000 because it has gone up in value. We got about 2 more years before the money runs out.

Clearly it is a get what you pay for type of deal. It is amazing, my parents were so thrifty their entire lives and invested wisely and had a lot of money at one time, than it all gets blown in the last few years.

If you are lucky enough to have a sibling volunteer to take the job, keep in mind, this is not an easy job and they need to get paid. You will save in the long run. Trust me

 

[barkley]

And don’t make an appointment.

your local ombudsman is a great resource as well. we also found when we visited an elder law attorney in the area my mom lived that they can be very forthcoming about which places one might prefer (or avoid) based on individual needs/desires.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My grandmother was in an assisted living place for years before she passed. She lived in a more independent apartment style before moving up several floors later on when she needed more watchful care. She was moved there after living in her duplex that she got after my grandfather passed and was living alone but progressively got worse. The move was done after she ended up driving quite a long ways away from her area and hit a school bus, thankfully no injuries but that was the day the keys were taken away and the long term facility talk started. The place she lived in was a nice place and expensive as well. The only thing they had issues with was they had to have them take more care and attention to the alcohol as my grandmother was an alcoholic and at dinner they would have a glass of wine allowed but she would convince her friends at the table to give her their wine, that had to be stopped eventually. Actually..hm I seem to remember there being a short period of time where they got on them to help my grandmother with bathroom/bathing wherein they said they needed to be quicker at attending to when my grandmother pressed the assistance button within the bathroom. But to my knowledge there wasn't some ill will going on nor serious concerns about level of care.

No one could really physically take care of my grandmother and already had to take care of my autistic aunt (my grandmother's eldest child technically speaking).

 

[LuvOrlando]

It is a tough process but MIL is exactly where she needs to be at the moment.

No-one knew MIL was deteriorating until FIL passed from cancer and then, because she was always a difficult person, it took a really long time for the grieving family to realize she wasn't being difficult, she was incapable of self care. Over 2 years, first there was outdoor lawn/snow workers, then there were inside cleaners, then a meal service, eventually a private cook who became a caregiver, then another caregiver, then cameras she would turn around, then another caregiver but the caregivers were taking advantage of her, one moved her husband into FIL's old room and SIL discovered this because a strange mans stuff was in her dads room. Whole situation was tough because MIL was a nurse and aware of a lot of things she should do or say on a good day to get her way so she seemed coherent enough to complain to the Dr's about all sorts of things but was making things up (this was sadly her normal personality) but she was also utterly incapable of self preservation of any kind. She was like a smart toddler who sounded capable but wasn't so it was very tricky to get the Dr onboard.

MIL has been in care for maybe 4 years and 3 memory care places so far. The thing is these places have staff turnover and policy changes like any other business so someone needs to watch for changes. The first place was picked mostly because they had a free spot and getting her in was so necessary, it was lovely for a long time but then MIL wasn't being bathed and they left her uncared for a few times too many so off to the second one. The second spot was great for about a year until a bunch of staff just quit unexpectedly, or was fired, whatever happened was super disruptive and MIL fell (but told me she didn't fall - that was sketchy) so they pulled her out of there and moved to the third spot. Now in the third spot she seems well cared for and is clean and eating regularly.

I suppose my biggest takeaway is to NEVER conceal someone's deterioration from other family members because if something happens and everyone is left playing catchup the consequences can be awful. It was hard to watch all this play out & it would have been much easier if FIL had been honest and told someone, anyone, even MIL's Dr what was going on so the Dr could advocate for MIL but since FIL didn't reveal anything to a soul it was uphill all the way as it is very difficult for adult children to intervene with an uncooperative adult parent. Second take away is if a loved one is in a facility someone needs to pay close attention to what is going on with staff and standards of care because things can change rapidly and no-one is going to tell you as things slide downhill, you need to see it for yourself. One random hour a week can tell you everything, smell the room, show up at meals, look at all the other people and the facility and listen to how workers are talking to other patients.

 

[robinb]

Clearly it is a get what you pay for type of deal. It is amazing, my parents were so thrifty their entire lives and invested wisely and had a lot of money at one time, than it all gets blown in the last few years.

Believe me, the places that take Institutional Medicaid can be pretty terrible. My best friend had a stroke and ended up in a place that charged 1/3rd that OOP. She ended up going through 4 different places. The best one was all the way out in the boonies and very difficult to get to so we moved her closer to me (I was her POA) and it was terrible. The care there was awful. They basically took whatever easy shortcut they could. The previous place had her out of the bed and in her wheelchair or chair every day and the new place left her to rot in the bed ... even after I asked them to get her up.

Some places will accept Medicaid after someone self-pays for a certain amount of time. You may want to reach out to your facility when the money starts to runs dry. I still regret not pressuring my friend more to sell her house because she could have self-paid at a much nicer place instead of getting stuck with a Medicaid bed. She was convinced that she was going to return even though she couldn't walk and it was impractical and too expensive to modify her home with less than $1000 in her bank account. Now, she's passed away and Medicaid is going to claw back what they spent from the sale of her home so it's all going to her health care anyway.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

suppose my biggest takeaway is to NEVER conceal someone's deterioration from other family members because if something happens and everyone is left playing catchup the consequences can be awful. It was hard to watch all this play out & it would have been much easier if FIL had been honest and told someone, anyone, even MIL's Dr what was going on so the Dr could advocate for MIL but since FIL didn't reveal anything to a soul it was uphill all the way as it is very difficult for adult children to intervene with an uncooperative adult parent

It took about 7 years for my two sister-in-laws and my husband to get to see their mom in a different light. I had to tread as carefully as I could but my "hey your mom is having trouble keeping up with conversations" was met with "oh no I think she's okay". My "hey you're mom keeps forgetting what she told us" or it was when she would message "we're getting together at 5:30 right at Texas Roadhouse??" despite the fact that she was the one that had suggested both the time and the place both were in a group text and both were almost immediate texts that one could scroll up only a teensy bit to see it.

Finally about 2 years ago one of the sister-in-law's said "mom can't keep up with anything in the conversation, she just adds some random topic asking if that's what we're talking about", it was the first time that particular sister-in-law said it out loud what I had been talking about for years.

Last year was when I brought up hearing aids most especially for my step-father-in-law who has always had poor hearing especially in one ear that I also said "hey you know there's a very strong correlation between dementia and hearing loss it's possible your mom may be having hearing issues especially in a more crowded environment like a restaurant where she's not able to follow the conversation as well maybe you might suggest she get her hearing checked". My husband mentioned it to his mom only to find out step-father-in-law has had hearing aids for the last year but never wants to wear them which makes me sad because I don't want to lose his input and presence and mother-in-law was like "oh....maybe I should get mine checked they would be covered" as a direct result of my husband mentioning it (because I had brought it up) whether she did or not I'm not aware of. My mom has had hearing aids since her 50s not because she was having issues keeping up but because she brought up hearing concerns with her doctor.

The other sister-in-law has always been more perceptive though her siblings IMO never really gave her that due, she's just considered the youngest by far and all that can go with that.

So I would also say sometimes the people on the "outside" pick up things you're not able to see (and understandably so) on the inside.