Can't stop crying

[yasuern]

Okay in May of 2008 I was diagnosed w/ a form of Leukemia known as ALL and shortly into my treatment I also found out a had what they called Philidelphia chromosome(also known by many other names) which meant my treatment course would now change and the route would be a Bone Marrow Transplant - And I got VERY LUCKY as I had 3 perfect matches - anyways on Sept 4th 2008 the BMT took place - and at the 100 day Bone Marrow Biopsy - all clear and at the 6 month BMB still all clear and all my WBC (that they can see) were the donors,


However I am coming up to the scheduled 1 year BMB and cannot stop crying and am so afraid that it will show the leukemia has returned - I worry not for me but my beautiful smart funny independent and unique 14 y/o daughter - it was VERY hard on her and I never want to see that kind of worry and sadness in her eyes again - but I know if the results are bad then I will - and it will again be my fault for her sadness.

I know DH is worried too but he really can't talk about any possibilty of it returning and DD only 14 I can't burden her with my worry and fears and so I often sit quietly sobbing when the others are sleeping or at work and school.

I am just so very scared


Thanks for listening

Sue

 

[tigger813]

Hugs and prayers for you!

 

[boundfordisney]

try and think possitive my prayers and thoughts are with you! I have a suggestion that may help, go out and buy yourself a joke book then whenever you are sad and feel like crying go to the book and read it maybe you will find something to laugh about, they say laughter can be the best medicine!

 

[MinnieGal]

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Heres a for you. Its o.k. to cry. Sometimes I do it in front of my family, sometimes in my room etc. Yest. I was crying because I thought I almost died 7 months ago and here I am, a survivor etc.

Every day is a blessing, look at it that way. I know the tests are always scary. I have to have blood tests every 4 months, sonograms, scans etc. Whatever they want to do. I am on pins and needles till those results come back. I think its hard on the teenagers. My 3 ds are 21,19 and 17. Honestly they just dont get it. Ds 21 saw me in the coma, and I have had 6 operations so far this year. Ds 19 said just because mom doesnt have a bald head, doesnt mean she doesnt have cancer etc. I think he "gets" it the most. At this time of life their worlds are just so infinite etc.

Surround yourself with a good group of supportive friends and family. The dis breast cancer sisters have adopted me on the cb. They are great, you can join us too. I have thyroid cancer, stage 4. Does your local hosp. have a support group, ACS etc. My faith brings me alot of peace and comfort too. I also know 2 people with the philadelphia chromosome. They are both fine post BMT.

Blessings to you.

 

[mommasita]

to you.

I think it is completely natural in your situation to be scared. This is a great place to talk about it, we are very caring and have giant shoulders to lean on.

Thankfully it seems your appt should be soon. I will say prayers for you and your family.

Please give us an update when you can..

 

[CarolynU]

My thoughts are with you, and I'm sure that you are worried all the time. I lost my DH to colon cancer in 2006 and what a rollercoaster ride that was. I'm also awaiting my own results of tests for ovarian cancer (Next Wed) and I also dread telling my DD and DS that they have to go through it all over again with me.
Life sucks sometimes.

 

[yasuern]

Thanks for all the support - But our worse nightmare has been confirmed my leukemia is back - I need to have more test to see exactly what if any course of action will be - also the need to confirm what type of the disease I have as it may not be the same as before(but i'm betting it is)


Guess I will attack this one day at a time


Again thanks your compassion


Sue

 

[stacopp]

I am so sorry to hear your news- I am sending you and hoping for the best

 

[luvmarypoppins]

So sorry to hear this news. Yes, its one day at a time. I just get up and say, thank you God for today. I pray your drs. will come up with a good treatment plan for you. Cancer is tough, so we just have to fight a little more tougher too. Hang in there!!

 

[Country Flower]

Sue, you have to visualize yourself healthy, no more negatives thoughts, you are what you think, so please be positive and you are fine. Write it and repeat it. Read books that distract you and make you feel good and see movies that make you laugh.

 

[CarolynU]

Oh Sue,
I'm very sorry. Not the news that you wanted to hear. Thinking of you.

 

[frdeb1999]

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Towncrier]

I just wanted to add my prayers for you, for your family, and for the doctors who are searching for a cure for you.

 

[mommasita]

I am sorry for your news.

I think you have the right attitude. One day at a time, one battle at a time is all you can do.

If you ever need to let it out, I am a PM away.

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I am so sorry.

I have watched my sister battle breast cancer for the last year. She is only 36 and has 2 young sons. I know the majority of her worries have been about this has affected them.

It's ok to cry. I know when I was first told about my sister, it seems like I spent days crying. My eyes just wouldn't dry up no matter how hard I tried. I understand about not wanting to worry your family and I am truly sorry that your news was not good. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[minkydog]

Sue, you have to visualize yourself healthy, no more negatives thoughts, you are what you think, so please be positive and you are fine. Write it and repeat it. Read books that distract you and make you feel good and see movies that make you laugh.

I am so sorry that you're going through this again. Hugs to you and your family. As you know, cancer is a family illness. It affects everyone, so everyone needs to be included in the recovery.

Although I have never had cancer, I have experienced serious illness and I just wanted to reiterate this advice. Where once you were crying and scared of "what if it's back", now you know and you can come up with your family battle strategy. Even though it's scary, I believe it's better to know than to not know. So, the first thing is banish negatives--that would be anything that does not add to the harmony of your life. Eat fresh foods, lots of veggies and fruits and whole grains. Watch things that bring a smile to your face--this is not the time to follow "House!" I recommend HGTV and America's Funniest Videos. Start writing a Gratitude list--what are you grateful for TODAY? Think of one thing(your eyes? your children? french fries?) Add one thing every day and refer to your list when things get bad for you.

I wish you the best. I'm really sorry you're having to go through all this. I hope you can find some things to distract you from the serious side of life, at least for a little while.

 

[minniebeth]

Sue, I'm sorry to hear your news...other posters have wonderful words of wisdom, I ditto what they've all said, but want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers and your family as well...

 

[TruBlu]

No words of wisdom - just lots of 's.

Stay strong and fight your beast. Just know that you have lots of Dis buddies cheering you on.

 

[dakuhn]

Know that the sadness in your DD's eyes is not because of you or anything you have done, but because you are so loved! Yes, what is happening to you makes her sad, but believe me, others are there to pick us up when we are down!
Sending strength and blessings your way.