Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[Disney_1derland]

Wow. I just want to add my thoughts and support to the thread. Therapy for you is the best thing that you can do because it will help you figure out where you stand and will help you muddle through your feelings which will wax so many ways in the coming weeks. Please know that you do have support here, and objective people who will listen and are always here to bounce ideas off of.

 

[chyam]

My heart goes out to you especially at this time of the year, I have read through each and every post and everyone has something of value to say. I will add my 2 cents worth.........get out, this man did not meet a woman and have an affair, he went out seeking them! and not more than just one, One I could forgive and if it was something that just happened, but to actively be seeking one is a whole nother ballgame. I don't think I could ever trust him no matter how much therapy. Although the therapy will be good for you, so you really know that you are not the one at fault here, you will soon have a daughter that will be taking up more of your time and you don't want to be wondering every minute where he is or what he is up to.You and your daughter deserve someone who will be there and love only you, he seems very selfish to have even considered something like an affair knowing that soon you were going to have a family together. We are all here for you and please post your feelings, it is always good to let it out..........besides we are cheap therapists, and many here have been through exactly the same thing you are going through, and many have come out better people, and have found another person that they are happy with and can trust.

 

[lemondog]

Oh dear. Let me start by saying I have not read through all the posts -- just your original post and your update. So this may have already been said. I also gather from your siggy that you are in the process of adopting a child from China? My heart truly goes out to you.

As someone who has adopted internationally (my 4yo was adopted from Russia), I can honestly say that nothing would have stopped me from completing that adoption, even a philandering husband. I suppose you have to do what's right in your heart, but I know if it were me, I would have stayed at least until the adoption was complete. If you were not in the midst of an adoption, then I would say definitely, kick him to the curb. But like you said Lily must weigh very heavily in all of this.

I suppose I have not been much help, other than to say I am here with a great big . Definitely seek therapy -- both of you together, hopefully -- and even if you are not able to patch things up (I honestly would not be able to ever trust my DH again), at least you can hopefully find some closure to the whole situation.

 

[misskrystal]

Someone I care for was cheated on quite badly by her partner. He had a very long affair (we're talking years) with her best friend. He actually had a child with this woman while he was with my friend.She not only god mother to their child, but also present at the birth!

When my friend found out, she left him. Like anyone else in her situation, she was left with many issues, but she's moved on, re-married and is happeir with her new DH than she ever was with that loser.

I don't think she could have felt any worse at the time, but things are better than ever for her now,

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thank you again. Everything with the adoption will be fine as I started the process as a single applicant (since I was at the time) and his involvement was an addendum. It's just a matter of paperwork. There is NO way I will jeapordize that.

Honestly, knowing that everything will be ok with the adoption, I would leave. This wasn't just a one night stand, but was actively seek out people, had sex with more than one person, and compromised your health by not even using protection.

Sad that you've gotten close to his kids and might lose that, but perhaps you can continue with a relationship with them. How old are they?

If there was a risk to the adoption I might stay with him until it was final, but since that isn't the case I couldn't take the chance of staying with him.

You seem to really be thinking through this rationally and that is wonderful! You're obviously a smary woman and you will make the decision that is right for you.

 

[summerrluvv]

Based on this, if it were me, the relationship would be over. This wasn't a one off occurrence, this was a deliberate plan to cheat. He cheated often and over an extended period of time. He knew that you are in the adoption process and that this might jeopardize those plans, but he chose sex over your darling daughter to be.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but pulling a band-aid off fast is easier in the long run. Take to a lawyer, look into getting the adoption modified to be just you and move forward. You are a strong smart woman and you have more self-respect than this.

to you for your sad times but you will come thru this.

ITA with everything you posted. If it was an isolated incident my feelings would be different.

Good luck OP

 

[ericamanda01]

I don't have any advise, I just wanted to offer my support through this very difficult time.

 

[Kim in TN]

Just wanted to add my . I've followed your adoption story since the beginnning, and to read your current post makes my heart break for you! My advice to you is do what feels right for you and do what it takes to bring Lily home. You will be in my thoughts and prayers You vent anytime you need too.

 

[jedi_librarian]

Thank you again. Everything with the adoption will be fine as I started the process as a single applicant (since I was at the time) and his involvement was an addendum. It's just a matter of paperwork. There is NO way I will jeapordize that.

I just can't ask my daughter to trust someone I don't trust and I refuse to put her in that position. Uuuuuugh. What a mess this is.

The thing about this whole situation that really really hurts is that we were best friends, way before anything else. I've never been as close to a person as I am to him. He has two precious children that I've fallen in love with over the last 3+ years and that's a huge factor here too.

Anyway, I don't want to come across as a drama queen here, it's just a "safe" place to ramble on. Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and advice. I am going to visit the therapist on Wednesday and go from there. My head tells me to run, my gut is indecisive and my heart just hurts.

You are NOT a drama queen. What you are going through is a very traumatic experience!!! I completely understand how your head and your heart are feeling different - but the important thing is time. Don't rush to make any decisions. I think it's great you've decided to go to therapy. That's a great first step because there's no way anyone should just "deal" with this on their own. The therapist will help you sort your feelings out and eventually, in your head and in your heart, you'll know what you need to do.

P.S. Again, I highly recommend the book I posted about before. The author has children and talks about how they dealt with it as a family. Also another good book is Infidelity: A survival guide by Don Lusterman. The cover's stupid, but it's a good book. Sorry, I'm a librarian, so I always have a good book to recommend.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Wow. I don't know what to say, other than I'm so sorry. I've never laid eyes on you, but my heart breaks for you nonetheless. In my mind, I just figured it was a one-night stand that you'd found out about.

Your husband's cheating was definitely premeditated and calculated. That alone would make my decision to leave. If for nothing else, to have pride in who I am. It's not easy and you're going to go through some difficult stages, but you will get through it.

Regardless of the issues I deal with, I did move on and found a wonderful man. I'm the type that thinks everything happens for a reason, and I believe that my ex, who I met when I was only 12, was meant to be in my life, so that my two daughters could be brought into this world. The man I'm with now, is my soul mate. I went through hell to find him, but I did and I'm happy with my life.

Bring your precious girl into your life; I can promise you won't regret it and with time you'll see that there was a path meant for you too. Children can help you heal in ways that you never thought possible.

Do seek counseling. I was involved in an online divorce support group, but I should have seen someone one on one. Who knows - they could have brought out the issues I'm dealing with now and helped me with them. It can't hurt and will probably make a world of difference in your healing.

You're going to take a roller coaster ride for awhile. Just know that there are (obviously) so many here who have been in your shoes are wanting to help you, if nothing more, than to offer a shoulder to lean on.

 

[Feralpeg]

So sorry to hear this. My thoughts will be with you!

 

[chasbos]

Wow - you sure need a

I am glad to hear that you got out of bed and headed to the bookstore. You still have to be a strong person and figure out what you and your Lily will need.

Nobody can tell you what you should or should not do - you are the one who has to live with your desicion. So take your time and make sure you decide what is good for you and your new daughter because in the end, it is yours and your daughters happiness that counts.

Stay strong!

 

[Ava83]

 

[halld6479]

I was once told by a lady that had been married 30+ years, A person can forgive another person and move on, but it takes a special person to forget and move on. After the first few months the forgive came pretty easy if you want to save your marriage, but after 5 years I have failed to "forget" what he did to our marriage. And I must admit on some days I hate him all over again but I signed on for better and worst and I take that to heart, I try to see the reason I loved him and the secutiy he does bring and weight it out that I could find worst out there, drugs, gambling, abuse, drinking.

 

[TDC Nala]

This is a guy who has been going on sex partner websites, meeting multiple partners, passing himself off as a single guy and not using protection. That isn't just "cheating," it's very serious.

 

[Disney Doll]

Your husband's behavior would be a deal-breaker for me.

He did not get "lured" into a one night stand. He did not develop an "emotional which turned physical" relationship with a co-worker.

He actively sought out multiple sexual partners, did not use protection, passed himself off as single...it's too disgusting to even think about.

If you need him to finalize the adoption, then hang in there till that's done. If you don't need him to finalize the adoption, then kick his sorry, slimy, disgusting, pathetic, lying, cheating butt to the curb, get your baby girl and move on to a wonderful life with someone who will appreciate you and all the good you have to offer.

Let him stay with his pathetic "swinger" friends and wait for karma to kick him in the ****...and believe me, it will. And that wil be a good day. And he'll deserve every bit of what he gets, and then some.

This isn't a man you want as a partner. This is a sicko. Do you want this sicko near your child????

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Your husband's behavior would be a deal-breaker for me.

He did not get "lured" into a one night stand. He did not develop an "emotional which turned physical" relationship with a co-worker.

He actively sought out multiple sexual partners, did not use protection, passed himself off as single...it's too disgusting to even think about.

If you need him to finalize the adoption, then hang in there till that's done. If you don't need him to finalize the adoption, then kick his sorry, slimy, disgusting, pathetic, lying, cheating butt to the curb, get your baby girl and move on to a wonderful life with someone who will appreciate you and all the good you have to offer.

Let him stay with his pathetic "swinger" friends and wait for karma to kick him in the ****...and believe me, it will. And that wil be a good day. And he'll deserve every bit of what he gets, and then some.

This isn't a man you want as a partner. This is a sicko. Do you want this sicko near your child????

I could not agree more not agree more.
OMG,I wanted so bad to say what you just did.I tried but I just couldnt.

 

[Alice's Mom]

I just read your update and all the subsequent posts and I think you should run, run from someone who thought something lacked in your marriage so instead of talking to you or trying to fix it, he broke it with multiple people he sought out.

You started your adoption process as a single woman and maybe it should end that way. I was pregnant when I walked out the door and I have never regretted my decision a second.

 

[cstraub]

I was once told by a lady that had been married 30+ years, A person can forgive another person and move on, but it takes a special person to forget and move on. After the first few months the forgive came pretty easy if you want to save your marriage, but after 5 years I have failed to "forget" what he did to our marriage. And I must admit on some days I hate him all over again but I signed on for better and worst and I take that to heart, I try to see the reason I loved him and the secutiy he does bring and weight it out that I could find worst out there, drugs, gambling, abuse, drinking.

Some things should never be forgotten. There is nothing "special" about forgetting. The special should be that the person never hurt you by cheating in the first place. The special should be finding the person who will hold you dear and NEVER hurt you. Someone who will love you and care for you and do anything for you. That is "SPECIAL". JMHO

 

[trip]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You need to make a very difficult decision.

You mentioned he had 2 other children. If he was married before did he have the same problem ?