Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[Planogirl]

I'm more in the camp that says it's more the married man's (or woman's) fault. The single person who is having the affair has made no vows to anyone. True, these "other" women obviously don't care about the spouse or family and how this will affect them but why should they really care all that much anyway? They're morally wrong of course but that's really more between them and their own sense of right and wrong.

The married person is the one who is knowingly breaking a vow they made with another that they were supposed to love and stay true to. It's really a very cruel thing IMO.

The interesting and REALLY sad situation is when both are married to others. I've seen that and you have all kinds of pain in that situation.

 

[dcentity2000]

I would have a very hard time forgiving someone for cheating - if I could at all.



Rich::

 

[Goofball]

I know that for many people this is something that can be worked through and gotten past. I also know for certain that I could not. I'd stick with my DH through any kind of hell and back, but I couldn't continue if he did that to me. If I had children, I can't say for sure that I would leave, but the marriage as I now know it would be over. to you.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Back to the OP, I don't think anyone can answer this question until he or she has been put in this situation. There are so many factors that could be involved, so even those that have been through it may have had a whole different situation than your own.

 

[Disney Doll]

You can get over anything if you choose to, and if the person who did the cheating is willing to really work at regaining your trust.

The bigger question is do you want to get over it. Only you can decide that.

For myself, cheating would be a deal breaker. I don't have children though, so I have different considerations than others may have.

 

[Alice's Mom]

I can't forgive a cheater, and I didn't!

Whether married or in a commited relationship that person made a promise to be true and faithful to you, if they weren't able to they should have never made that promise to you in the first place. I don't think I would even try to make it work, if something was lacking in our relationship, tell me! The person who cheated didn't try to make it work, why should I. Can you tell I was cheated on...badly...

Not only has the person who cheated broken your heart, screwed up any trust you had, but they also put you in physical harm, what if they weren't careful. I'm thankful I didn't have to deal with the latter, but it changed who I am as a person.

Talk about bad timing, the weekend I was going to tell my boyfriend of 5 years that I was expecting, he was was telling me that he had been seeing someone and it wasn't the first time either...we were in college and he would skip class to see other girls, no wonder he had such bad grades!

I moved away and I'm now a very happy single mother to the coolest kid in the world, I am better off without him and thankful he gave me full custodial rights.

Sorry for the rant, I try to never do that.

To the OP, I just don't know what to say except sorry. This is probably especially rough since you are awaiting that darling little girl. I wish you the best and lots of hugs

 

[Pollito916]

Happybratpack - First,

Second, I agree that this is a decision only you can make. Only you know all of the circumstances around your marriage, and what has happened. I also agree that if you are considering staying together, DO NOT disuss it with family and friends. It will only make you and them uncomfortable if you two decide to work things out. I do think it is a good idea to seek counseling, at least for yourself, no matter which way you go. It is good to reaffirm that it wasn't your fault, and you did not deserve to be hurt that way.

Whatever you decide, it won't be easy. Good luck to you and more .

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[aprilgail2]

Happybratpack - I also agree that if you are considering staying together, DO NOT disuss it with family and friends. It will only make you and them uncomfortable if you two decide to work things out. .

I totally agree with this! My friend had a husband that cheated and was just a total moron...well she told everyone about it and now that they are back together no one wants anything to do with them because he is a jerk and she went back with the jerk she told everyone about!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I also agree that if you are considering staying together, DO NOT disuss it with family and friends. It will only make you and them uncomfortable if you two decide to work things out.

Great advice! It might be awfully hard to do, but maybe a counselor can help with the venting.

 

[cstraub]

Dec 30, 2005 ABC news

Cheaters


All told, 16 percent of adults say they've strayed from a committed relationship, including 14 percent who've had sex outside of that relationship, and two percent who've had sexual activity but not intercourse. Twenty-one percent of men say they've cheated, as have 11 percent of women.



As noted, people who are not satisfied with their sex lives are most likely to have strayed, as are single men over 30 (that includes divorced, separated and widowed men, as well as never-marrieds). People 50 and older in general are more likely than younger adults to have cheated.

Cheaters by Age


Age Cheated

18-29 8%

30-39 11

40-49 15

50+ 21




There's a division in motivation among cheaters: Forty-five percent (mostly men) say it was mainly to fulfill a physical desire, while 33 percent (more apt to be women) say it was mainly to fulfill an emotional need.



Nearly seven in 10 cheaters say they stepped out with a friend; 39 percent with someone they just met, 37 percent with a co-worker and 15 percent with a neighbor (multiple answers were accepted). Men and women have cheated with a friend about equally; men are more apt to have cheated with a co-worker or someone they'd just met.



Cheaters are busy: They've had an average of 29 sex partners in their lifetimes (and a median of 12). They're more uninhibited and more permissive — more likely to have watched sexually explicit videos, to have paid for sex, and to have had revenge or rebound sex; and more apt to approve of premarital sex and to say it's OK to have sex without an emotional relationship (45 percent of cheaters say so, compared with 19 percent of others).





Cheating: Who's Done It


All 16%

Men 21

Women 11

No children under 18 19

Dissatisfied w/ sex life 34

Single men 30+ 42




In terms of their sexual adventurousness, more than two-thirds of cheaters have had sex outdoors, three in 10 have had sex at work (more than double the overall rate), three in 10 report having had sex in a threesome (twice the rate for all adults) and another quarter have fantasized about it. Also, half of cheaters say they've had "an unexpected sexual encounter with someone new," double the rate among all adults — suggesting that some cheating may be spontaneous rather than planned

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

As noted, people who are not satisfied with their sex lives are most likely to have strayed, as are single men over 30 (that includes divorced, separated and widowed men, as well as never-marrieds). People 50 and older in general are more likely than younger adults to have cheated.

Interesting, albeit scary!

I don't quite get the one about the single men though. If they're single, how are they straying?

Granted, I've had a glass of wine, but I've read it about ten times and I'm still not getting it.

The study would have more impact if it gave the length of marriages, vs. the age of the cheater. I see that it goes up with age, but is that a direct result out of boredom because they've been married longer, or is it simply because age makes them more indifferent?

 

[mommaU4]

I can't imagine a more difficult decision to have to make. If I found out my DH actually cheated on me I would be crushed. We have known each other since we were 13! It would be a double whammy; betrayal from my husband AND my best friend.
I can't imagine my life without him but if he cheated I know it would forever be this cloud over our relationship. I'm the sort who would always be wondering about the affair and questioning his every move from then on. What kind of a marriage is that? This is one thing I hope I never have to deal with. Hugs to you.

 

[jedi_librarian]

Bear with me here, I need to try to get things out coherently.

Can a person "get over" being cheated on and lied to by someone who is supposed to be the closest to you? I don't understand how - is it a process of eventually forgive and forget, how do you even get to the point of being able to start trusting them again? Does therapy, counseling, etc actually work to build the relationship back or is it just destined to happen again? Once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar?

I found out something tonight that has just devastated me and I'm just sitting here lost. Thanks for any insight and for listening.

First, for you. I know what you're going through. I'm going through it myself. 3 months ago and I'm still asking myself if I can ever get over it. Well, this all depends on you. You know your DH best.
One thing I can say is that even if you do forgive and decide to work things out, you're never going to forget. You're never going to be the same person either. I don't mean that in a bad way necessarily.

There's lots of good advice on this thread. Especially about talking to friends and family about it. Find a close friend you can vent to and that's it. Luckily my family has been supportive of my decision to stay and try to work things out with DH, but I still regret talking about it openly. And I know they must have ill feelings toward him.

Definitely go to counseling. Even if it's just for yourself!! It's s very helpful. It will help you sort out your feelings and you'll figure out what is best for you.

I highly recommend this book: "My Husband's Affair became the Best Thing that ever Happened to me" by Anne Bercht. I read it the first week I found out, and it was comforting and just helped me to think things out.

Good luck with whatever you do and just remember - you've done NOTHING to deserve this, no matter what you may be feeling. You can't control anyone's actions but your own. And in the end you have to decide what is going to make YOU happy. As a good friend told me, never give 100% in a relationship. Always reserve at least 10% for yourself!

 

[Holly]

Yes, it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity and go on to be whole and healthy. It is not an easy road, but in my case it was worth it. I wish you the best.

 

[MinnieM21]

Interesting, albeit scary!

I don't quite get the one about the single men though. If they're single, how are they straying?

Granted, I've had a glass of wine, but I've read it about ten times and I'm still not getting it.

The study would have more impact if it gave the length of marriages, vs. the age of the cheater. I see that it goes up with age, but is that a direct result out of boredom because they've been married longer, or is it simply because age makes them more indifferent?

What they mean by single in that context is not married but in a relationship. Like with me, I may have a boyfriend but I'm still technically considered single because I'm not married.


OP: No great words of advice buts lots of . I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[noseybuddy]

I could NEVER forgive, forget whatever ya want to call it. A mistake like that to me is unforgiveable. Did the person consider the outcome of his or her actions before they decided to cheat? Oviously not, he or she had no respect for that person. If people aren't happy why can't they just separate first, instead of going and cheating. No, I could never forgive it.

 

[happybratpack]

Wow. As I'm sitting here reading post after post I want to say thank you to each and every one of you that took time out of your life to post advice, support, etc. I can NOT tell you how much it means to me since I've spent the day feeling more alone and isolated than I can ever remember.

I also want to say a huge thank you for not flaming me in anyway.

I did get my butt out of bed this evening and I went to the bookstore for a few self help books and I took what is a huge step for me and made an appointment with a therapist for Wednesday morning for myself.

He has gone out of town to stay with family a few days. He is very apologetic and claims he will do anything to help me trust him again. He did state that he cheated to find what was missing from our relationship.

Basically, without reliving everything here it is in a nutshell. Supposedly it started approx 6 months ago. I spoke to one of the women last night he has been seeing off and on since August. She said it was mostly sexual, the last time was the 20th at a hotel here. Before that was her house, etc. She also told me he told her he was single and looking for a relationship. The person that introduced the two of them had also slept with him prior. They met off of a membership-based (I really hate to say this) online swingers site.

On top of those two women I know of two others that supposedly he had some interaction with, but I do not know the extent. Besides the site mentioned above he also had a paid membership to a single parents meet site, but I do not know if he actually met anyone from it.

So, in a nutshell here I sit. I don't know what to do, I have Lily to consider heavily and I'm afraid to talk to any family or friends about it here yet. I am going tomorrow to be tested because the one woman told me protection wasn't used.

I'm going to need to do a Dis sponsorship for my free therapy.

Thank you all again.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Oh, Geez, I am so sorry! What are the policies about the adoption if your marriage does not last? Such a sad, complicated story. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[mickeyfan2]

This is going to be a tough one. Since he has cheated with more than one women and as recent as the 20th, I think it will be difficult (nothing is impossible) for him to stop. I am glad that you are getting counseling and testing done. How soon do you get Lilly. I would do nothing to disolve the marriage until you have Lilly (if being a single parent works for you). How soon can you get her? I would hate to see you lose her after waiting all this time for her and falling in love with her. Having 4 international adoptions in our family makes me really worry for Lilly.